Bucket Blogging: An Emotionally Difficult Day for Us Both

Buckets say: not not gay.

N.B: The following is courtesy of erstwhile Straight Bangin' contributor The Buckets, my sister. She dug herself out of the Midwest winter to get worked up and slap off a kufi. Enjoy. - Joey

This is really hard for me.

I was once one of “Sports Guy” Bill Simmons’s biggest fans. I was there from the start, even remembering when he was still known through the site www.bostonsportsguy.net. My support persisted despite taunts from naysayers who would deride him with things like, “He says basketball is his favorite sport and he doesn’t know anything about it!” I loved the Friday posts and lived for mid-week mailbags. (Peep my personal all-time favorite mailbag from July 25, 2003.) Running diaries--regardless of the event--were always a treat. (My favorite running diary can be found here: ; and a close second.) Bill and I even shared some of the greatest moments of television history together: we relished the first seven episodes of The OC back in August 2003, and we lived through the Coral-Mike (a.k.a. Miz) Real World/Road Rules Challenge dynasty together. (Let’s also not forget the wonderful Rachel-Veronica duo! Oh, the days....) It was a glorious era. I even stuck by him when he became a writer for the Jimmy Kimmel Show back when it started. We were a match made in heaven. At least we were in 2003.

Bill did so much more for sports life than turn me into an avid Sports Guy reader. I became obsessed with the Daily Quickie; I was pretty familiar with the Page 2 columnists from 2002-2005; and his basketball commentary really helped my Virtual GM game. He helped propel me into becoming, what I like to believe was, a legitimate sports fan. Because he did so much for me (not to mention TOTALLY boosting my street cred with my brother’s older friends and my own high-school-aged male friends), nearly vomiting from reading his Super Bowl XLII column was disturbing to say the least.

Looking back, I suppose we all knew, on some level, that Sports Guy was over in 2005 when, in typical ESPN overdoing-it fashion (e.g., 90-minute SportsCenter), his domain on Page 2 was expanded from the twice-a-week system to the “Sports Guy’s World” I’ve come to know and disdain. His increased production resulted in recycled jokes and mediocre articles. As he became a brand name with a book tour, his humorous, smart voice lost its warm authenticity. He became a shell of his former clever, irreverent self.

(I’d also like to note that had the Red Sox remained World Series-less, Sports Guy could have remained a force for longer. Who is he if not a brooding Red Sox fan?)

In the name of full disclosure, I should tell you that my Sports Guy reading has really waned over the last two years. Partially for lack of interest because I no longer play fantasy sports, but more so because I can't let my warm feelings for Bill be completely erased by the modern era of low-level mediocrity. I read him occasionally, but definitely not regularly. However, today was a special occasion. One of his beloved teams endured a horrible defeat. How could I not read what he had to say?

Well, I went to his column and was greeted with more of the same. None of it was too noteworthy. Then, I came to #2 on his cute little list of eight things he will forever remember about yesterday’s game(emphasis added):

2. Speaking of Brady, if the Patriots had finished 19-0, I planned to start my column with a scene from the Patriots' postgame party. Through some mutual friends (people I forced to talk to me), I had arranged to hang out with Brady's crew for what promised to be a laid-back celebration in somebody's hotel room, probably no more than 15-20 people since Brady's circle is surprisingly and refreshingly small because everyone was horrified when Mitt Romney gave him a personal shout out pre-Super Bowl. Because it was a rare chance to catch Brady in an unguarded moment -- and an important moment at that in which I could blow him-- I spent most of Friday and Saturday thinking about that first paragraph and all the different ways it could start how I could steal him from Gisele. I kept seeing Brady sitting in a chair with his right ankle encased in ice, quietly sipping a bottle of champagne with a satisfied smile on his face…

WHAT THE FUCK????????????????????

Okay, a lot of people love Tom Brady. He is the undeniably greatest dreamboat to end all dreamboats. My two roommates and I spent at least five minutes per quarter of the Super Bowl discussing how incredibly hot he is, especially in football pants and when he's all sweaty. But Bill Simmons is staging a gay out for him. Where is the cheeky irreverence, SG? Bill completely gives up his trademark voice, instead becoming a sycophant. But moreover, have you ever heard a grown man and generally respected sports writer sound more like a high-school freshman girl about to attend a cool senior guy’s party? (A party at which she’d probably be taken advantage of, possibly drugged.) Sports Guy has not only lost his voice, but has done so in effort to gain the favor and approval of a sports icon. Sports Guy is more like Sports Boy. Next thing we know, he’ll be the bat boy for the Red Sox’s opening day in 2008!

Sports Guy, you are not the writer I once knew, and therefore it is time for me to give you up. February 4, 2008: a heartbreaking day, indeed.