Kanye West Is Good for the Environment

What, you thought we wouldn't notice?

Dude always recycles:

You may know parts of his new joint, "Everything I Am," as...

- Kanye West, "Is That Your Car?"

And you may know parts of another new joint, "Homecoming," as...

- Kanye West, "Home"

OK, no more Kanye from me until I actually review the record.

Album of the Year

Hate him if you must--and you know I resent Late Registration--but the man can make fly hip-hop.

Production is ridiculous.

- Kanye West ft. T-Pain, "Good Life" (Clean)

That Dread You Feel Is Michigan Football

If not this year, then when?! FUCKING WHEN?!

The most bittersweet days each year are those when pre-season college football polls get released. Most college football fans probably don't agree; most probably feel that few days are sweeter. After all, if writers and coaches are starting to prognosticate, then it must mean that something, the thing, is finally about to start. Polls flying around mean that college football is in the air.

And that's sort of the problem for we who reside in the Wolverineville. College football is about to begin...so cue up the attendant excitement and anxiety.

Realistic Michigan football fans (and remember, "fan" is short for "fanatic," so this is small group of people) must operate with a reservoir of hope matched only by the accompanying reservoir of disappointment. Every season brings with it new expectations and ends with new failures. UM will beat Ohio State but lose to Iowa because it can't punt; the Maize and Blue will have a fantastic offense but a swiss cheese defense; Michigan will be BCS bound but will come home defeated. Soaring heights, like those achieved last season when the Wolverines started 11-0 and were omnipresent in national conversations, come with sickening depths, like losing to Ohio State and doing whatever it was that Michigan did against USC. That's how it is with the greatest of pedestrian coaches running things, and it rarely changes:

4
4
0
3
2
3
4
3
3
3
5
2

Listed above are the loss totals from each of Lloyd Carr's seasons at the helm of the college football institution which he inherited. 36 losses every twelve years puts you at 3 per season, and that is fine if the upper limits of very good are what your program aspires to achieve. Apparently, that's also enough to have your job in perpetuity at Michigan. For those keeping track, this will be the tenth year since Lloyd went undefeated, and he hasn't played for a national title since. He's only lost at least two every year since, he has lost more than two in seven of nine, and he's only won one BCS game. But man is he a nice guy.

What may seem like uncalled-for Lloyd bashing is where this season begins because 2007 may be Lottery Lloyd's last best chance to win a national title and keep Michigan apace with the programs it theoretically counts as peers. Like, the best ones. Ones that win national titles and important bowl games. This season, Carr has a senior quarterback; a senior running back who doubles as a team captain and a leader of messianic proportions; a top-five draft pick at left tackle; the best returning receiving tandem in the nation; a schedule that sees Penn State, Oregon, Notre Dame, and Ohio State come to Ann Arbor; and a slew of opponents trotting out first-year starting QBs, including ND, Wisconsin, and OSU. The offense should be incredible and the schedule sets up nicely.

But with Carr it's always something, and this year it's two big somethings: defense and special teams.

Years of modest recruiting success on the defensive side of the ball will be apparent this season when Michigan trots out a back seven best described as "potentially better than you fear" and a defense that is alarmingly not deep shallow. Why will it be doing this (to us)? Well, let's see: Michigan hasn't recruited linebackers well since it hasn't coached them well (thanks, Jim Herrmann), hasn't put many in the NFL lately, and has squandered the few elite kids interested (remember Brian Cushing? He starts for USC). It's lost most of the best safeties to recruiting rivals that win more of the important games and have coaches who are better at their jobs. And cornerback recruiting has been a sick joke, replete with last-second reversals (Jai Eugene), questionable circumstances (Justin King), and freak accidents (Victor "Macho" Harris). All of this has left Michigan fans to wonder if God just hates us. Henne, Hart, Long, Manningham--and it will all come down to an untested defense? Why? Are we all named Job?

With fall camp over, the defense appears to look like this:

Defensive Line: An expected strength. If healthy, Tim Jamison will find has way to quarterbacks; if mature, Brandon Graham will do the same and be somewhat more stout against the run; Terrance Taylor and Will Johnson will be hard to move along the interior, and based on what I've read, it sounds like they may be to Alan Branch what he was to Gabe Watson--the casual observer may not notice a tremendous difference. Good. The line also has some depth, but it's not yet clear whether those young men are bodies taking up space or actual contributing football players. Making that distinction should likely have been a tag line on the summer workout shirts worn by the UM defenders. Like this:



Linebackers: *sigh* ...oh boy. The best place to start is with fifth-year senior and captain Shawn Crable. Since moving into West Quad as a freshman, Crable's been one of those players whose potential soaks through his shirt but about whom you always say "If only...." If only he could gain more weight, if only he could play better against the run, if only he were more consistent. Over the past two years, Crable has been a good-not-great contributor who excels when rushing the passer. This year, he'll need to anchor the LB corps, so there can't be a whole lot of "If only." Instead, I hope to read press clips and teammate quotes that include the word "finally." After that, it gets uglier.

You know how Alberto Gonzales got by for a while because even his most outlandish press conferences and pitiful Congressional appearances could always be measured against the even more outrageous bullshit that Donald Rumsfeld was serving up? And you know how all that stopped and Gonzales was forced to endure the scrutiny all by himself once Rumsfeld was gone? Well last year, David Harris was Rumsfeld and lots of other people were Gonzales, but in a good way. Harris was just phenomenal--he shed blocks, he blew up plays, and cleans up messes. He was arguably Michigan's best and most valuable defender, not least of all because he made lots of people look good. Nice for him but not nice for Michigan, Harris is now a New York Jet and Michigan will be starting John Thompson at MLB. Thompson had the game of his life two years ago against run-oriented Iowa and has practically been in a witness protection program since. His problem is that he can't defend the pass and is not always playing as he did against Iowa. So if you're a Michigan opponent, you'll want to run a lot of plays that involve a fullback taking on a middle linebacker or a lot of plays that force linebackers to cover receivers, because Thompson isn't a known entity. And his backup is a redshirt freshman, Obi Ezeh.

The other linebacker slot belongs to Chris Graham, whose nickname, "The Brick" has taken on a sad accuracy during his time in Ann Arbor. Originally called Brick due to the force with which he'd deliver a hit, it now seems that hi earliest teammates were making a prescient forecast regarding the inanimate object with a football IQ most akin to Graham's. He just misses a lot of plays, running past them, failing to see them develop, or something else. He'll be backed up by an inexperienced sophomore, Jonas Mouton, who is said to be the hybrid rover that defensive coordinator Ron English prizes--a dude who can play like a linebacker but move like a safety. It will take Mouton some time to grow into his role, though.

After that, we can't even talk about linebackers because the only ones remaining are likely to redshirt or never make a meaningful play.

Are you starting to see why I was a little heated at the beginning of this post? How is the cupboard so bare? Didn't Carr and his staff realize several years ago ago that UM was headed for this? Mysterious internet "insiders" and the message-board posters who love them have been discussing these issues since forever.

Defensive Backs: Please make it stop.

Michigan's best cornerbacks are like an unproven pitching staff in need of a big off-season acquisition. The ace, Morgan Trent, is really a number-two starter. He's got great velocity (he can run fast) and can win games (play well) when he's in a good rhythm (not struggling with his confidence), but he is also likely to surrender a key hit (like a big play) during crunch time because he's just not built for the duties of being the top guy. The guy opposite him is one of those players with great stuff but no control. That would be the preternaturally gifted Johnny Sears--Michigan's most athletic player, we're told--a corner who just doesn't really know how to play football. He's said to have had a good fall, but there isn't a Michigan player who hasn't in as long as the internets have been alive.

Behind them are uber-freshman Donovan Warren and corner/safety/corner Brandon Harrison. The former is fast and made for the position but inexperienced and lacking muscle. The latter is back to being fast and a little more seasoned, but he hasn't played the position for a while and was already missing plays when all he had to do was run forward and grab someone. Did I mention that the defesive line was expected to be good? It needs to be.

Safety might be a little more promising. Your strong safety is senior Jamar Adams. He's steady, albeit unspectacular. Your free safety is Steve Brown, fast but young, and it took him almost all of August to win the position from career backup Charles Stewart. Like linebacker, safety doesn't feature much depth due to some horrible recruiting.

So that's the defense. In sum, it seems like it will have the potetial to be strong, but there is little quality depth--unlike programs where they have good players to back up the starters and have coaches who not only plan for attrition but develop players to mitigate personnel losses. An injury to Crable will be a potential disaster.

The other potential season killer is the kicking game. Scholarship PK Bryan Wright has a strong leg but can't consistently make field goals, leaving those duties unsettled heading into this weekend's opener against Appalachian State. Two walk-ons are also in the mix. I don't even want to talk about it. A god-body offense undone by kicking--that's the stuff of ignominious legacy down in Tallahassee.

So with the outstanding questions about the defense and the kicking game, what's the outlook for Michigan this year?

Best case scenario: Michigan beats Oregon in a shootout, outscores Penn State while getting a few key kicks through the uprights, gets the defense strong enough to limit Wisconsin, finally tips the Buckeyes, and goes on to victory in the BCS title game, defeating some better team thanks to a great offense and some balls-to-the-wall play calling in Lloyd Carr's farewell. 13-0, BITCHES!

Worst case scenario: Michigan loses the Oregon shootout, Penn State slows down the offense and exploits the Michigan corners, some Big Ten team seizes upon the team's crushed spirits, Wisconsin is too good, and Tressel still owns Carr. 7-5, mass suicide.

Likely case scenario: Michigan wins a shootout against Oregon, Michigan wins a closer-than-comfortable game against undermanned Notre Dame, and the mental lapses caused by three straight trying games lead to the wheels falling off against Penn State, which capitalizes on special teams errors and defensive lapses to win against UM for the first time in a decade. Michigan rebounds during October only to lose the showdown in Camp Randall, but Lloyd Carr luckily avoids invoking his fire-damage insurance by beating Ohio State for the first time since 2003 (because I will burn down his house and riot if UM loses). Michigan goes to the BCS and TBDs. 10-2, pending bowl outcome. Hype starts for the Ryan Mallett era on November 18th.

BlogPoll: Season #3, Ballot #1

We've really missed her voice on key football issues like which thongs looks best at night on ABC.

Well, in case you hadn't noticed, a large portion of the summer has gone missing, not to be seen again until next year. For someone who spends hours of his life figuring out which shorts and sneakers he should wear in tandem when the weather accommodates such fashions, this development is troubling. Pretty soon, it will be back to too many layers, too much bundling up, and too little sunlight. But it's not all bad. As summer winds down, football appears on the horizon. Michigan kicks off in three days!

For the twentieth-ish consecutive year, I will be a lunatic college football fan, and for the third consecutive year, I will be a BlogPoll voter. Don't know the BlogPoll? See here. And read this: led by god-body Michigan blogger and internets guru Brian of MGoBlog, the BlogPoll is created by a consortium of college football fans who follow their teams closely and type prodigiously. I was having some technology issues, so I couldn't vote in the first of the two (!) preseason polls, but participation is now gonna be a weekly thing. Throughout the college football season, I will be voting in the BlogPoll, writing about Michigan on a weekly basis, watching other games, and hopefully curating the key developments of the season. It all starts with this post.

Below, please find my inaugural Blog Poll ballot for the year. I'll be composing one each week during the season. And before we get to it, I'd just make a few points:

1) Fuck the schedules. I am not ranking who has the easiest road to Pasadena, so don't respond with shit like "How can you have Iowa so low?! It doesn't play Michigan or The Idiots and Inmates University of This State Blows."

2) Fuck last year. I don't think that polling is a continuum with continuity from year to year. Florida won the national title last year, you say? Great. How did it do in the draft? Oh, it lost its defense, you say? Well, that's why it's not in the top five. Show me something.

3) Fuck the rosters. Well, not fully. Talent is an important component in the formula for success in college football, but so are coaching, preparation, and intangibles like emotion, confidence, and experience. Michigan might have as much talent as any team not from L.A. (not so fast, UCLA), or maybe Baton Rouge, but it also has Lloyd Carr and his cavalcade of we-don't-make-excuses excuses for the inevitable failure. That matters. So please, none of those "Suchandsuchteam has such better personnel than soandsoteam." That might be true, but recruiting rankings don't guarantee wins. Nor are retroactive national titles awarded after each spring's NFL draft.

Instead, I am just trying to answer one question: Head to head and playing on Jupiter in a stadium simulating Earth conditions, who wins?

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Southern Cal	25
2	LSU	24
3	Texas	23
4	Oklahoma	22
5	Wisconsin	21
6	Florida	20
7	Ohio State	19
8	West Virginia	18
9	Louisville	17
10	Michigan	16
11	Virginia Tech	15
12	California	14
13	Boston College	13
14	Florida State	12
15	Penn State	11
16	Nebraska	10
17	Rutgers	9
18	UCLA	8
19	Georgia	7
20	Auburn	6
21	Arkansas	5
22	Iowa	4
23	Navy	3
24	TCU	2
25	Boise State	1

Dropped Out:

Thoughts?

Hipster Olympics

Showtime!

Remix: Ain't nothin' but trouble, God/When I kick in the door/With D-Block, E-V-E, and the Double-R...

There are a lot of verbal signatures in rap music, from groans to grunts to "Just Blaaaaaaaze," and among them, none is more redundant than when Swizz Beatz says something like "Swizzy" at the opening of one of his productions. From those distant shouts in the background to the tinny, synthesized sound, when can't you tell that it's a Swizzle productshizzle?

I ask because it's even more redundant when he does it on his own songs from his own album. On five of eleven songs on One Man Band Man, he proclaims "Swizzy" within 30 seconds of the given song coming on. On the other six, I think he says "It's showtime" so that you never get confused. Wait a minute, are you sure this is a Swizz Beatz song? It doesn't say so.

Swizzy's new joint is an anachronism. It sounds like a lot of late-90's Ruff Ryder records--similar style, similar quality: a few inspired street anthems; some mediocre filler; and a few too many grating blends of electronic creativity gone awry. (It even has Drag-On making reference to "Down Bottom.") That it ends with the beat from "C.R.E.A.M." playing as Jadakiss fades out on the remix of "It's Me Bitches" is only appropriate. The ultimate decade-too-late Double-R joint should, of course, make reference to a defining joint of the yesteryear whose void allowed for the entire Ruff Ryder experience in the first place. Back in 1998, Wu-Tang had somewhat faded, DMX and Jay-Z were taking over, and Swizz Beatz, using his computers and samples and synthesizers, was crafting a new sound that helped run the New York City streets for a fleeting but memorable moment. As I think about it, it's entirely unsurprising that listening to One Man Band Man takes me back to late nights in high school when I'd finish my homework while Hot 97 kept me company.

P.S. Before anyone gets too worked up about Swizzy's rapping, let's just agree that listening to a Swizz Beatz record for the rhymes is like reading Playboy for the articles: you're missing the point.

- Swizz Beatz, "Top Down"

Oh, and speaking of doing your thing, decade be damned...Brand Nubian has a "new" old record out. Fuck yes! This joint, Time's Running Out, is said to be what they recorded but shelved back when they ultimately made Foundation. I've only heard it once so far, bust I like it. Pretty solid Brand Nu.

- Brand Nubian, "Brand Nu Hustle"
- Brand Nubian "Somebody Told a Lie" - Sounds like a certain Jay Dee song, doesn't it?

- Not gonna be sold on the UGK, I don't think, but I did like the discussion over at No Trivia.

Music for a Monday on a Tuesday: I Spray from Far Away

What? This is what you get when you search for "I spray from far away everybody hit the d-e-c-k". Jesus was gullier than you thought.

It was cute a few years ago when everyone tried to pretend that Houston was taking over hip-hop and that the Houston sound was some kind of a movement. They said that Mike Jones could rap; that Paul Wall was teh awesome; that Chamillionaire was worth your brain cells. This was a time when Little Brother was boring but those hollow synthesizer chords were all so amazing; when rapping about a car over and over and over while chopping off syllables or contorting the words was almost as brilliant as Ulysses. It was a wonderful time that gave us all-time classic albums like...uh...

There were, of course, the occasional songs that worked--the rhyming was tight or the beat was right or the vibe was just fun. I still like Slim Thug's "The Interview" or Z-Ro's "The Mule," for example. But listening to the new UGK album--which is maybe more emblematic of the Port Arthur sound, since lumping it in with so many pieces of disposal plastic seems unfair--I have arrived at a personal revelation: I will just never understand the mystique of Texas hip-hop.

Underground Kingz is a thoroughly solid production showcase, it has its moments of engaging rhyming, and it is a leading contender for Pleasantly Forgettable Album of the Year. Like most double albums, the track list is bloated, and the finished product is diminished by the self-indulgent length, but it's otherwise fine. Though Pimp C's incarceration likely saved us from even more verses that are simultaneously grating and somehow quaint in their mindless profanity and casual vileness, he appears to be in his element as both a rapper and producer. Bun B, whose voice I like a good deal, gets to do his Texas dignitary thing, and it all comes together nicely on an album that I don't yet want to take off my iPod but surely will not put back on once it eventually is retired from steady rotation by some point next month.

But that's where its appeal ends for me, and that's the disconnect. Perhaps I need to be of a certain Texas geography to fully appreciate the endless pimp talk and matter-of-fact drug dealing, or maybe I need to know car enthusiasts who really care about their cars. I don't know what I'd have to do to really get into UGK, but whatever I've done in my 25 years obviously has been insufficient preparation. As I listen to Underground Kingz and consider its music and words, just as I've done with previous UGK albums, I slowly grow bored. Verses like this just don't do much for me:

If you know like I know you would get down on the flo'
I keep a magnum for they back and I keep a swisha full of 'dro
We can get down for my dime and we can fuck, on the low
And if you didn't want a Pimp then what'cha fuckin with me fo'?
Every lady ain't a hoe and every hoe ain't my bitch
It take a real trill nigga to recognize this type of shit
Every girl around me legit, I don't fuck around with no punks
Ride with me she holdin a pistol while I'm whippin and poppin the trunk
We gon' blow a lot of skunk and we gon' make a lot of bread
And we ain't never gon' have no problems 'long as she hear what the fuck I said
Pimpin ain't dead it just moved to the website
Still like to get my dick sucked under the street lights
I'm Tony Snow, I'm out here livin by the code
In love with a lifestyle, not no bitch I'm in that mode
I'm lookin at you you choosin me my dickhead never stop
I'm Pimp C bitch, I'm superstar, we headed to the top

Thank God he's home, right? We needed that.

It's not as though I am trying to be one of those annoying hip-hop heads who insists that a verse has to incite a revolution or pass as an opaque history lesson. Bragging and sexism and posturing and all kinds of other supposedly regrettable content are staples of rap music that I like. I just find this iteration to be empty. The rhyme construction is simple; the verse is loaded with canned jargon; the scattered focus befits a lazy rapper. It just seems like so many other MCs have said such similar stuff in more engaging fashion. Compare this verse to something Raekwon might spit--infinitely more captivating in its dramatization, a Rae rendering would likely be far more memorable and interesting to pick one's way through.

And yet, the overall aesthetic of so many songs on Underground Kingz, replete with the soulful production and distinct verse construction, appears to perfectly match the mood and lifestyle UGK represents and curates. So in that regard, I am again left to think that I simply do not and will not get it.

- UGK, "Underground Kingz"

Meanwhile, I just want to reiterate that I remain unenthused about Lil' Wayne and experience no confusion about it. I get what everyone says--he plays with his voice and he says all kinds of crazy shit and he rhymes like he's plugged into the Matrix and directly absorbing information as it is fed into his brain. I get all that. But all that doesn't compensate for the fact that his voice, though gravelly and theoretically dripping with pathos, remains annoying as fuck. Nor does it make him any less self-aware to the point of contrivance. I think Kanye West is a better rapper; I'd much rather listen to him. His voice is easier on the ears, his routine, though arrogant, is more accessible. Freak out if you want, but with Kanye, so many of his gimmicks connect to a larger whole. Wayne does it too, and quite well at times, but there are also so many verses where he seems to just be rhyming almost recklessly. That, too--the manic urgency--seems to play into his persona and appeal, but it comes off as this wasted verbal energy. Unfairly, I also don't like the low bar from which Wayne benefits by now clearing. I can't help but think that people wouldn't be as breathless in their assessments of dude if he hadn't started out in a hip-hop boy band spitting relative nonsense. He's improved, sure, and radically challenged the old prevailing image forged during the era of Cash Money bling-bling decadence. But now, there's a soft-bigotry-of-low-expectations thing going on with him.

- Kanye West ft. Lil' Wayne, "Barry Bonds"

Finally, let's congratulate 50 Cent. He's still trying to find a way to get his album to sell, putting out crappy single after crappy single. This one will get at least five spins from me, though, as opposed to the two or three that other stuff from Curtis has gotten. Of course, it required that he do his best Ja Rule impersonation, but it's been all downhill since Get Rich, so who's surprised? The rapping blows, but this one will get at least five spins because the beat is modest but sort of hypnotic.

- 50 Cent, "Part-Time Lover"
(P.S. I only have wack-ass Kay Slay's version. Sorry.)

America's Mayor. Just Not When the Yankees Are On.

Ooh, what a hero.

Did people see this bullshit? And he's running on being a 9/11 hero? He's dishonest, he's racist, he didn't do anything materially important for public schools, he married his cousin, he held a press conference to announce a divorce from a different wife--what do people like about Rudy Giuliani? His resolute leadership during a tough time? It sounds like back in 2001 he was defining "tough time" as losing in the seventh inning.

Beyond the rank hypocrisy and the insulting manipulations, Giuliani is so unsavory because he is a perfect embodiment of all that ails America's political system. There is so little honesty--intellectual or otherwise--and so little scrutiny on the part of the electorate that well-funded grandstanders can piss all over your face and tell you that a storm just went by while no one does anything about it. Certainly not the lazy, feckless, pathetic Democrats who run campaigns promising change and substance and then explore new cavities of their rectums instead of reading the bills they pass and offering important ideas.

Why can't this country wake up from this somnambular stupidity and make our system actually work? This is beyond partisanship; this is about governance. Having free will at the ballot booth means nothing if the people pulling the levers aren't even pretending to care about making informed choices. It's pathetic.

Real Talk about Iraq

The Washington Post's Jonathan Finer drops knowledge on the first-hand accounts offered by visiting dignitaries who jet off to Iraq and come back to herald some sort impending promise or doom.

I'll take the word of a formerly embedded journalist over the word of some pandering politician any day. But that's just me. Maybe Iraq really is just like an outdoor market in Indiana. Maybe.

"He Runs a Clean Program"

He needs to start glaring at his players like that.

Why do Michigan football players keep finding ways to spend time in the company of law enforcement? Look at this ridiculous end of the story:

The charges against the pair lengthen a string of recent legal incidents involving Michigan football players.

Wide receiver LaTerryal Savoy pleaded not guilty last week to a charge of indecent exposure, and is facing trial next month. Also facing trial in September is linebacker Obi Ezeh, who has been charged with driving while intoxicated.

In March, defensive back Chris Richards and tight end Carson Butler were charged with an assault on another Michigan student. Richards was found guilty of one count of aggravated assault and one count of assault and battery, while Butler was cleared of all charges.

Although both Butler and Richards were dismissed from the team in March, Michigan coach Lloyd Carr said prior to training camp that he was considering reinstating Butler.

Another player dismissed by Carr in March was defensive end Eugene Germany, who was ticketed for marijuana possession in February. Germany had pleaded guilty to two counts of resisting arrest in 2006.

And that doesn't even account for Adrian Arrington's legal woes.

I am as maize-and-blue as a person can be, and maybe I'm overreacting a smidge since this is SOP at a place like Tennessee, but can you please explain to me how Michigan and its fans can credibly maintain that it operates with a higher moral standard--something that I've taken pride in over the years--if the players are starting to get in this kind of trouble on a regular basis? Every program has its share of problems and no coach can ever prevent all of his college students from being, well, college students, but an uncomfortable trend is emerging here.

As for the title of this post, if Lloyd Carr, who already isn't beating Jim Tressel, isn't winning bowl games, and isn't winning national titles, also isn't going to keep his players out of trouble, then what, exactly, are he and Mike DeBord doing as they lie in each others' arms each night? They're certainly not innovating.

I find all of this disappointing. The occasional drinking ticket or bar fight is a part of life, but all of these "fluke" incidents? It's times like these when I am forced to throw up my hands and turn to Brian for the solace offered by his pwning of insufferable Notre Dame internets flamers.

Good News for Ghostface Fans?

Little-known fact: Harrison rocked the ill Wallys

Thanks to Spine Magazine, I saw on Pitchfork (which I wouldn't otherwise be reading) that the next Wu-Tang record is going to have a cover of the Beatles' "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." And the only thing that sprung to mind was, "Didn't Ghostface already do that?"

- Ghostface Killah, "My Guitar"

The Least Gully Prison in the World

You know how Morgan Freeman says something in Shawshank Redemption about prison time being slow time? Well, he obviously never went to jail in the Philippines, where prison time is all about...dancing?



What ever happened to shanking people in the shower (), trafficking in cigarettes, and inciting racial conflict? These dudes either would have been killed in ten seconds by Adebisi and Pancamo or they would have taken over Emerald City. I can't really make up my mind.

Looks like that Indian dude and all those wedding parties (seriously, so many--see for yourself) just got served.

Romney's Plan to Restore NFL's Image? Strong Defense

"Throw some D's on that bitc--oh, hey, Honey"

HOLLAND, MI--Hoping to further establish his Conservative bona fides and maintain the momentum won following his straw-poll victory in Ames, IA last weekend, Mitt Romney today unveiled his plan to restore the National Football League's image, one that has been tarnished by recent scandals.

Seizing upon the news that disgraced Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick may have stolen dogs and used his Bad Newz Kennels to finance terrorism, Romney spoke out against the NFL's leadership and offered a bold plan for rehabilitation.

"Despite his best efforts, Roger Goodell has thus far fallen short in defending America," said Romney as he spoke to a small group of reporters who arrived in Holland early to cover tonight's tribute to Ronald Reagan. "If the NFL is allowing its players to finance Al Qaeda and imperil our nation, we need to send a message to the terrorists and to the football players everywhere that we won't stand for it." Raising his voice and growing impassioned, Romney added, "We must protect this house!"

"Several months ago, I argued that instead of closing Guantanamo Bay, we should double it. And now more than ever, I believe that is the best course of action for our nation. If fines and suspensions will not teach the Michael Vicks and Pacmans of this world that America rejects terrorism, we should send these criminals to Guantanamo. We'll see how much they can make it rain, or how many dogs they can electrocute, or how many Iranian missiles they can buy once they're stripped of their rights and denied access to our legal system."

For much of the race, Romney has jostled for position with former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani as both presidential candidates have sought to establish themselves as ideal successors to President George W. Bush and worthy champions of the war on terror.

Giuliani had no official position concerning Vick's alleged connection to Al Qaeda nor ways to help the NFL, but a campaign spokesperson, speaking anonymously, suggested, "If elected President, Mr. Giuliani will explore all options while leading the fight to protect America. Anything that involves imprisoning and mistreating black men will likely be a critical component in his planning. Putting the Bengals, or even the entire city of Cincinnati, in Guantanamo is something we'd look at." The Giuliani staffer added that preliminary talks addressing the possibility of an extreme rendition for Terrell Owens were already underway.

It remains unclear how the introduction of the NFL's image into the general discussion will affect the presidential race. A source familiar with the Romney camp assured that Romney and his inner-circle believe that pressuring Roger Goodell into stronger action and linking America's security to the NFL's reputation problem was a way to win favor with the many swing voters too stupid to follow anything substantive but quite content to make important decisions based upon answers to questions like "With which candidate would you most want to have a beer?"

"Think of it this way," encouraged the Romney adviser. "Mitt is going to struggle in New York because he's a social conservative and that's Rudy's home turf. But if Mitt becomes the candidate who will make Michael Strahan and his wife disappear without putting up any further fuss, and if he can do that while creating the illusion of progress as he imprisons people for any kind of reason--well, suddenly he's given a lot of those Giants fans something to think about. And then, think about that nationally. How many Ohio voters would love to never hear about Chris Henry again?"

Following his speech here tonight, Romney will fly to New York for a meeting with Goodell to discuss the Romney plan and to pick up tickets to the Patriots-Colts game scheduled for this upcoming NFL season. And though the Romney campaign is focusing its efforts on the NFL's image, the candidate did have time to mix in a few social agenda items.

"One person who won't be going anywhere is Tom Brady. He's spreading his seed, and judging from the talent he's pulled in, perhaps he's hoping to live the principle," joked the Mormon with a wink.

More Superbad

Your Jump to Conclusions Mat is Broken

Where's the square for "I wish I could order League Pass right now"?

"Stern blamed a 'rogue, isolated criminal' for the betting scandal that has devastated the league and threatened the credibility of every referee."

(N.B: I've added the emphasis because I'd like to address this bullshit.)

I am not going to pull a Bill Simmons and make some obnoxious proclamation about being a better-than-you-are NBA fan. That's not my thing. I'll just say that I am an NBA devotee, and as such, I was never sucked into the vortex of alarmist hysteria that made it difficult to love basketball last month. Similarly, I was dismayed that so many people wound up in there.

Look, is it really bad that a referee might have altered game outcomes? Absolutely. Should that referee be fired? Absolutely. Should that referee be prosecuted for breaking the law? Absolutely (especially since this is a country where we love holding people accountable unless they've done innocuous stuff like destroyed countries, killed innocents, broken laws, lied, and shredded the Constitution).

But has the NBA been devastated? Fuck no. Has the credibility of every referee been challenged? Fuck no.

How, exactly, has the Lig been devastated? Is there a critical mass of people out there who honestly believe that the Donaghy situation is a harbinger of the NBA's demise? The first in a series of revealing scandals that will invalidate the league's history and forever erode the integrity of its competitions? Is the three-headed monster of John's apocalypse rising from the waters? If these people exist, have they all convened at Oliver Stone's house? The league sure didn't seem devastated this summer when the Celtics launched that new reality show Which Nine of These Twelve Doesn't Belong Here? The Association sure didn't seem devastated this summer when June was filled with the deafening buzz generated by a most intriguing draft. The L sure didn't seem devastated even today as I allowed myself to feel excited about Houston getting the band back together. Tomorrow and next week and next month and on and on into the foreseeable future, these things will still excite me. And if they don't, I will just watch this video and return to my regularly scheduled adoration:



Does Tim Donaghy make Tracy McGrady any less intriguing? Does he make Kobe any less of a marvel? Will you no longer care about the Golden State takeover merely because one idiot white dude (redacted because this served no real purpose and detracted from my point) who is admitting his guilt fucked up a few games? It's terrible that he did it--don't get that twisted. But has he devastated an entire league? As far as I can tell, he devastated David Stern's summer vacation. But I survived Hurricane Bob while on vacation once--these things happen. Betting on the games is one individual's unforgivable offense. It falls short of original sin.

And as for the other idea--that all NBA officials have been tarnished--all I can do is laugh. Again, are the Oliver Stone fans convinced that Joey Crawford and Ed Rush were in on it? I am not defending the officiating, in general: it is inconsistent; refs seem to believe that stars actually are supposed to get calls; and too many games can feel arbitrarily decided. So, if the NBA "cracks down" on officiating and makes the system more uniform, that's a wonderful improvement. Defenders should be allowed to look at Dwyane Wade in the fourth quarter without drawing flagrants. But I reject the idea that somehow the Donaghy fiasco tars all officials. They were already plenty bad, but that doesn't prove corruption.

I realize that openly championing my fondness for the NBA might render these thoughts unconvincing, the whimsical rants of a blind NBA zealot. I also realize the editorial character of SB, where the cult of Lil' Wayne does not exist and Lloyd Carr can never do enough, might make some readers inclined to think that this pro-NBA defiance is just another lunatic-fringe opinion. But I will gladly endure those suspicions and dismissals as I take a stand for something that's been eating at me for weeks.

Honestly, people think this will be an enduring problem?

The Harrowing Vision of Sight

I went to see No End in Sight today. I think it's a movie that every American must see. I can't offer a review that goes beyond the universal adulation that it has already received, but I would add this: the movie addresses the ongoing U.S. occupation of Iraq in a way that transcends partisanship and instead speaks to the fundamental issue of competency in governance. Regardless of one's ideological bent or personal opinion of George Bush, this movie should resonate with anyone who likes to presume that our government makes informed decisions with our best interests in mind. Setting aside for a moment the varying levels of cynicism that so many of us harbor, I'd hope that I just described the vast majority of Americans, because so much of this country's identity stems from this fundamental premise of democracy as we practice it.

No End in Sight is not so much revelatory as it is a perfect articulation of so many things we already know: this administration has been lazy and arrogant as it has enacted its policy agenda. It is a collection of decision makers who are ill-qualified for their jobs, whether it be due to obvious incompetence, absent intelligence, conflicts of interest, or other reasons. The Bush Administration is fundamentally characterized by its neglect of, if not hostility toward, intellectual rigor and detail--the new book Tested seems like another illustration, this one taken from the domestic arena--and No End in Sight is an infuriating, crucial reminder.

I'm not the only one who thinks so, either. Peep the NOW feature, embedded below:

Part 1


Part 2


Part 3

When You Make a Little History on Friday...

4 Masters + 4 PGAs + 3 British Opens + 2 U.S. Opens + 31 years old = Nicklaus in trouble.

...the rest that you make over the weekend can seem a little empty.

Not the most scintillating PGA Championship, but as always, witnessing greatest-of-all-time-ness manifest itself is fun. Just five to go, with Augusta a constant and U.S. Opens at Pebble, Bethpage, and Torrey Pines coming up, like Woods needed help. Plus, he's got a game that might finally have fully come together again. All year long, his putting looked wack, and when he was putting well, he wasn't hitting it close enough to the holes. But now, things done changed.

Something for the road, admittedly one major too late:

I'm on My New York Shit

Back in town. Should have the Bangin' on and poppin' by the end of the weekend. We'll have to discuss Lollapalooza, Lil' Wayne in The New Yorker, Barry Bonds, and Tiger.

For now, I refer you to a review of Common's album that I wrote for the fam over at Brooklyn Bodega.

Travelin' Man

Jyeah!

Straight Bangin' hits the road this week, with stops in Chicago for Lollapalooza and then Miami for work. Updating will happen, but it may be sporadic.

Before I go, here's a set I'd like to see this weekend...

Set List 1
Present Tense
Animal
World Wide Suicide
Hail, Hail
Untitled
MFC
Light Years
Fatal
Better Man (w/ Save It for Later tag)
Comatose
Satan's Bed
Indifference (w/ Ben Harper)
Green Disease
Release
Leatherman
Black
Alive

Encore 1
Smile
Elderly Woman
Rearviewmirror
Baba O'Riley
Leash

Encore 2
Footsteps
Crown of Thorns
Sonic Reducer
Search and Destroy (w/ Iggy and the Stooges)