Melancholy Triumph

A perfect microcosm for this series: Baron bringing it and Dirk getting punked.

Before the internets, the proliferation of new media, and the 24-hour news-industrial complex allowed people like me to memorize the names and descriptions of high-school juniors who may one day deign to enroll at a school like Michigan to play football or basketball, there was Baron Davis, arguably among the last of the super recruits before there really were super recruits.

Of course, Davis was neither the first nor the last of the media-heralded freshmen: witness Lew Alcindor and Kevin Durant. However, there was something special about Davis, who entered college at a time that predated Carmelo Anthony but after the paradigm had shifted and people began to reasonably assume that a freshman could substantially change the course of college basketball. Initiated by the spread of televised Midnight Madness events and thanks to a growing focus on recruiting, the acknowledgment that talent could sometimes trump experience, and the nascent hype machine that we now all know so well, Davis was among the notable whose reputations preceded them as contemporary legend. I speak from experience, because I was one of many who knew Davis was the truth upon seeing him play only a few times, the highlights verifying the projections.

But again, he wasn't any old precocious baller. He was, rather, a phenomenon, reputed to embody the evolution of the point guard. Equipped with an excellent handle, the ability to jump out of the gym, speed that made him nearly unguardable, and even a jump shot, Baron Davis, I was told, could do it all. Audacious but gifted, and capable of dropping dimes, hitting from anywhere, and absorbing contact while finishing, he was the best possible version of the point guard Stephon Marbury always should have been. And he wasn't even that tall--he was just that good. He even had the kind of name that lent itself to promotion and cultural transcendence. A kid who loved John Wooden but held against UCLA the fact that the O'Bannon-era teams weren't especially likable, I was even a little scared of Davis, mostly because I envied that UCLA, and not a Michigan or UConn or UNC, had secured the services of a basketball Jesus.

Baron Davis was supposed to change the game.

But as we all now sadly know, the game changed him. Far from the messianic figure he was slated to become, Davis's career has amounted to little more than periodic but fleeting sensational displays of athleticism strewn across an otherwise blank canvas of the pedestrian. There have been too many losses and too many nights shooting 7-23 with 8 turnovers to allow the soaring dunks and determined jumpers to stand as a clear legacy. He operates with a seductive flair that makes his triumphs even greater, but they are unfortunately not enough. Of course, that Davis is not what many thought he might be owes largely to injuries that have derailed so many seasons. The knees, the back--still not even thirty-years-old, Baron Davis is an old man who was robbed of a prime. It is a testament to his enduring preternatural ability that he can continue to summon so much esteem and command so much good will among fans of my ilk.

Davis will surely go down as the sort of player that had to be seen to be properly appreciated, because the stats and the records won't ever present an accurate portrait. And when searching for a snapshot of his greatness, last night's Game Four against Dallas would be sufficient. It was a grand display of bittersweet basketball. For every resilient pull-up, confident drive, and exhilarating moment, there was the sorrowful understanding that what was taking place was enhanced by its rarity. There was also the nagging concern that the next play could always result in a crippling injury. As great as Davis is when driving to the rim and banging inside, how can any fan not worry that a knee will get tweaked or his back will act up? To root for Baron Davis is to experience the pangs of mixed emotion.

Davis, himself, seems to exude this mournful realism. Whether it is the beard that makes him look somewhat grizzled, the knowing eyes that always seem to grasp much of what is also unsaid, or the expressions of moderated enthusiasm, Baron appears as though he's always participating in the collective sadness that his fans cannot shed while assessing him and watching him work. There is a tragic element to his persona ever more pronounced as he succeeds, and he likely knows it. That lends an urgency to his and to the Warriors' cause; we can't squander this wonderful moment because who knows if we will see it again.

Assorted Notes
- The Dallas-Golden State series feels like an extended opening weekend in the NCAA Tournament. The favorite plays a more structured, traditional style; has the marquee player; has great size; has a roster of players with defined roles and types; and would be winning if the other team would just stop being so difficult and "play the right way." The underdog, meanwhile, plays a looser niche style; has the overlooked player with great ability; has limited size; has a roster of players who are largely interchangeable; and has the audacity to think that it can impose its will on the favorite. Were it not somewhat insulting and backwards to compare 12 of the 350 best basketball players in the world to a team like Virginia Commonwealth, we might call the Warriors the best college team ever. They don't even run plays; they just penetrate and share the ball. It might really be more apt to say that the Warriors would likely win the Rucker.

- Here's who has played like a real MVP in the playoffs: Kobe; Duncan; Nash; McGrady; Kidd; Davis. Here's who hasn't: Dirk Nowitzki. So far, he's not even the best player on his team, and he is so woefully ill-equipped to deal with players who can run, jump, and be resourceful like the guys on the Warriors. In Game Four, alone, Dirk seemed to be in the picture, hopelessly flailing, every time that Golden State got a second-chance basket, loose ball, or layup. This has been embarrassing.

- In the rush to anoint Steve Nash, people seem to have forgotten that Jason Kidd remains the best point guard since Magic Johnson. I believe that Nate has my back on this.

- When Matt Barnes hit that big three on Sunday night, and Stephen Jackson put him under his arm and started muttering, what do you think he said? "Now you only owe me ten cigarettes"? It can only be described as "horribly unfair" that Chappelle Show never had Charlie Murphy play Jackson is some kind of skit.

- Um, Tracy McGrady needs to go to the basket more often. Talk about a guy for whom a back injury is an omnipresent concern...

- I can't imagine that Miami losing to Chicago was all that surprising for anyone who's followed the Lig during the past few months. Perhaps the sweep was unexpected, but are people really shocked that the Bulls won, notwithstanding the media's obsession with last year's champion losing? Chicago is much deeper, has the front line needed to defend Shaq, and got to play against a hobbled Dwyane Wade. Plus, Miami had looked old and hurt and tired too often this year. I n November thought that the Heat would return to the Finals because a healthy Dwyane can't be stopped when he brings his referee posse with him. But he wasn't healthy.

- Watching the Nuggets is not fun. I try and I try, but I can't get into them. Despite certain aesthetic elements that are enticing, just knowing that the team is again going nowhere thanks to the usual problems makes it terribly boring to me. And that Carmelo basically only wants to shoot is disappointing.

The Rawkus Era: Hip-Hop's Last Great Hope

This goes out to all area cliques...

(Ed.'s Note: What follows is a submission from Straight Bangin' Hot Isht Bureau Chief and Dork Magazine co-founder James. It was written in response to the discussion from last week about Cam, snitching, Kelefa, and all that. Big up to James, and please discuss.)


The Rawkus Era: Hip-Hop's Last Great Hope.

I remember the Rawkus era; I really thought Mos & Kweli were leading a movement that would bring some much needed intellectualism and levity to hip hop. They were basically outcasts in hip-hop and had to suffer through endless idiotic questions like "are you conscious?" or "why are you conscious?" Eventually all the pressure changed them. I'm not saying they sold out. If you ask me, Mos has given up any hope of being the kind of hip hop artist he wanted to be (the kind with street appeal, as well as college radio appeal). Kweli is still trying, but he’s seen better days. Where was the criticism then? There was a thriving underground scene and a number of great R&B acts as well. They were all marginalized. So after all that the Imus debacle has exposed in hip-hop, I’m pretty cynical about hip-hop getting it’s act together. The music has gone too far down the road of nihilism and anti-intellectualism to turn back.

But some context is needed, lets go back to July 2, 1996. Tupac was dead and Biggie had less than a year of life ahead of him. Jay-Z was winning over fans with Reasonable Doubt, an engaging album about an introspective hustler. Two albums dropped that day, and both would prove pivotal in the direction hip-hop was going in.

The first was It Was Written by the 22-year-old Nasir Jones. The album disappointed fans and critics alike, and not because it was bad (it was and still is a great album), but because we expected Nas to transcend the gangster aesthetic that was (and still is) de rigueur, with the street reporting he made legendary on Illmatic. Instead, we got Nas Escobar and he was rapping (and supposedly living) the "drug dealer’s dream." Here’s a review from Rolling Stone, back in the day:

Literary skill is not the prime attribute of most hardcore rappers; these days the main attraction in hip-hop seems to be authenticity, not articulation. So the second album from Nas is frustrating. It Was Written proves that this New York native from the borough of Queens possesses a phenomenal way with words and some savvy musical sense. It's a pity that he doesn't put his verbal dexterity and powers of observation to better use.

"If I Ruled the World," Nas' current hit single, is a less-than-representative example of his talents. It's more of a crossover con job. Amid the synth sweetening and the song's catchy chorus, Nas tips his hand and reveals his true vision: a place where we can raise our children in peace; marijuana is legal; cocaine comes uncut, so we can make more money from it; and cops can't go undercover to make a bust. The connections--and contradictions--may seem obvious, but Nas doesn't acknowledge any discrepancies. His self-serving dream world is the stuff of others' nightmares.

Nas was pressured to by Columbia to copy Big, who’d attained pop success with a mix of street singles, club songs, guest appearances on R&B records, and a silky smooth makeover courtesy of Puffy. The expectations for Nas to surpass Biggie in terms of record sales were high. Nas traded then manager MC Serch for Steve Stoute, and they conceived his second LP, It Was Written, a conscious attempt towards crossing over (the album went triple platinum). Perhaps Nas’ declaring Hip Hop Is Dead with his latest album came 10 years too late.

The other album released that day was Stakes Is High. Stakes Is High was the first De La album not produced by Prince Paul, and it was our introduction to the modern De La Soul, a trio of stalwarts who were defiantly opposed to hip-hop’s increasingly self-destructive ethos. This was best demonstrated with Dove’s verse on the title track of the album:

I'm sick of bitches shakin' asses
I'm sick of talkin' about blunts,
Sick of Versace glasses,
Sick of slang,
Sick of half-ass awards shows,
Sick of name brand clothes.
Sick of R&B bitches over bullshit tracks,
Cocaine and crack
Which brings sickness to blacks,
Sick of swoll' head rappers
With their sicker-than raps
Clappin’ gats
Makin' the whole sick world collapse
The facts are gettin' sick
Even sicker perhaps...

The album did poorly and proved that De La Soul and their brand of hip hop was no longer lucrative, meaning major labels weren’t going to waste money pushing it. Stakes Is High also introduced Mos Def and recast Common as a member of the Native Tongues. Stay with me, I’m taking this somewhere.

Enter Brian Brater and Jarret Meyer, two passionate (and possibly naïve) hip-hop fans, with a plan and a friend with a lot of money (James Murdoch, son of Rupert Murdoch). Here’s an excerpt from their bio:

In the Fall of 1995, the two of us, college friends from Brown University, saw a truly exciting underground movement emerging in New York's hip hop scene. Hip hop had always had an underground, but it had been a minor league, where artists cultivated their skills and awaited their shot at a deal on a major. But as the '90s progressed and the commercial potential of the genre became apparent to the majors, there became more and more pressure on the artists to emulate "the formula." In response to this the underground, instead of chasing the labels demands, did an about-face and began making music without regard for commercial palatability or crossover potential.

Of course all the labels ignored this movement and dismissed the artists. But we saw this as a tremendous opportunity. So, with bankrolling from another childhood friend, we started Rawkus and created a home for this rebel music. A truly grassroots movement, we released a string of 12's during 1996 and early '97, which we later repackaged as Soundbombing (the first label released mixtape), with the hopes that the cream would rise to the top. And it did, by that spring it was clear that we had 3 big acts on our hands: Company Flow, Talib Kweli, and, of course, Mos Def.

And that brings us back to the beginning; if there were any hope for hip-hop it was Rawkus. They had the money, the talent, and a noble mission. So what the fuck happened? After successful albums by Blackstar, Soundbombing 1 & 2, and Mos Def’s Black on Both Sides, reality began to set in. They inked a joint venture with MCA to take their proven talent mainstream. Sadly, MCA folded soon after the deal and Rawkus was purchased by Interscope/Geffen (the former home of Death Row, the current home of G-Unit and Aftermath). Interscope wanted to shift Rawkus's focus to something more marketable than underground acts making music they felt good about. The relationship didn’t last, but I think we all know what the executives at Interscope had in mind. Here’s what Hi-Tek had to say about Rawkus in an interview for allhiphop: "They took chances and gave their life to underground hip-hop when no one else would. I really appreciate them. I think Rawkus was part of keeping real hip-hop music alive in its down times." Sure Rawkus re-emerged in 2005, but they suck now. Sorry.

So, to those who say hip-hop isn’t so bad, I say you’re delusional--corporate forces dictate what will become popular. I mean, they have the money--they hold all the cards. But poet Taalam Acey does a better explaining this than me. Watch:



And to the people who still hope hip-hop can be a balanced representation of modern urban life, I was you 10 years ago and I got burned. Watch out.

It's Friday

You front like it's not cool, and yet, that's just not true.

And that means that erstwhile blogger The Jesus will be in town for the weekend. And that means that karaoke will be sung and trouble will arise.

Here are ten songs that will make the karaoke experience especially memorable:

10) Crowded House, "World Where You Live"

9) Motley Crue, "Home Sweet Home"

8) Styx, "Fooling Yourself"

7) English Beat, "Save It for Later"

6) John Parr, "Man in Motion"

5) Heart, "What About Love"

4) Duran Duran, "A View to a Kill"

3) The Outfield, "Your Love"

2) Simple Minds, "Alive and Kicking"

1) El Debarge, "Rhythm of the Night"

Links of Distinction

The dude's using a computer. Period.

- Peep game: soul psychadelicyde

- Peep game: No Trivia

- Long overdue peep game: She Real Cool

- A Weed Owner's Last Stand

Things That I Never Thought I'd Say:

They both spoke a lot without saying shit. As usual.

Joe Biden and Christopher Dodd are two of my three favorite presidential candidates. The other is John Edwards. I can't believe how many things Biden and I agree upon. And Dodd was great--dignified, of sound policy. Unreal.

Hillary was boring and her usual low-energy, no-conviction self.

Barry Obama (we're friends from high school) needs help. Big time. Dude was verbose but empty, and his soaring rhetoric came off as hollow political spin devoid of concrete ideas.

Mike Gravel is hilarious. I hope he finds a George Soros to bankroll his operation so that he can remain in the public theater.

Rudy Giuliani Is as Stupid as Some Rappers

To be fair, this almost certainly would scare terrorists. And Barry Obama can't match that.

You may have heard of Rudy Giuliani. He's the racist, overzealous prosecutor-turned-New-York-mayor who married his second cousin; considers himself to be an arbiter of morality even though he had a public extramarital affair; hangs out with sleaze balls like Bernard Kerik; stood by Don Imus and George Allen; and panders almost as much as Hillary Clinton.

Mr. Giuliani would like to be president. Were his personal life not already such a mess, and were his political niche not already so ill-defined due to his ever-changing "convictions" (what an awesome pun given his legal history!), Mr. Giuliani would have a major problem: he's full of shit.

Don't just take my word for it. Read this.

Electing a Democrat would make America more susceptible to a terrorist attack? Really? Really? Really? Are you sure, Rudy? Do you need a minute?

How about this: could you explain why?

“I listen a little to the Democrats and if one of them gets elected, we are going on defense,” Giuliani continued. “We will wave the white flag on Iraq. We will cut back on the Patriot Act, electronic surveillance, interrogation and we will be back to our pre-Sept. 11 attitude of defense.”

He added: “The Democrats do not understand the full nature and scope of the terrorist war against us.”

Oh, that makes sense. Democrats don't understand the terrorists the way that Republicans do. Right. That's why Republicans imagined a link between these terrorists and Iraq; why the U.S. diverted resources from capturing terrorists in Afghanistan; why Americans die from acts of terrorism on a daily basis in a country that Republicans decided to occupy for literally no good reason. It's all because Republicans understand terrorists so well and have done such a great job protecting America.

Like I said: full of shit.

The Other Internets Post of the Year (And I Don't Mean Mine)

If you live in Cam's building and get grimy in 4E, you're safe.

There is so much good blogging going on these days that I can't really keep up. And that, in part, owes to the fact that there is so much bullshit going down in the "real world." Because you know that your favorite sarcastics and dissenters and real-talkers have little to say if people act right.

But they don't.

Instead, they act like ignorant assholes. And people like HR can then rightly light their asses up for the incessant hypocrisy and poison and stupidity that they constantly try to peddle and sell. Read this post on Start Snitching. It captures so much of what I feel as I watch Cam'ron (not so) quietly celebrate his street ignorance; as I listen to Russell Simmons seize a self-aggrandizing media moment and make a hollow pronouncement that you know he'll never follow himself or even care about next week; as I read Kelefa Sanneh glorify the worst aspects of hip-hop in the world's best-known newspaper.

Let's just be clear on a few things:

- The fictionalized romance of crime--present everywhere from HBO to Only Built 4 Cuban Linx--is something that all reasonable people can enjoy. Martin Scorsese wins Oscars for it. Dressing up self-defeatism as some kind of noble street code and representing your manipulative distortions as archetypal behavior is just stupid, though. I am not saying that mistrust of the police is unfounded. Despite steering clear of criminality, I don't trust most police officers, and I am usually nervous just talking to them. Nor am I saying that the police even want to help poor black people, because they may not and, as people like Mike Davis would argue, they may need poor black people to remain poor and black. But proudly declaring that you'd never snitch, not even on a serial killer living next door, is foul. Unless you think it's good that even church-going 14-year-olds would rather witness crime and harbor criminals than try to help stop them. After all, who'd want that when they're baaaaalliiiiin'?

- Russell Simmons is a hysterical, opportunistic misogynist who probably uses the n-word around his kids and certainly doesn't care about who uses which words when he makes money off of them.

- Kelefa Sanneh is a technically impressive writer--he's got a great vocabulary, constructs his sentences well, and so forth. He even has a sense of humor. In that regard, he's qualified to write for The New York Times (I know, I know--says me). But given how indiscriminate his taste is; how shallow and specious his reasoning can be (I tire of the routine in which he celebrates commercial success as though popularity validates artistic merit); and how his predilections all skew toward the crappy, mostly degrading rap music of Young Jeezy and Lil' Flip, is it fair to wonder if part of his supposed authority stems from his skin color? I mean, does the Times just assume that since he's black, he just has some kind of intuitive hip-hop sense? That's racist. And what does it say about the newspaper that it is happy to let its lead hip-hop writer promote so much garbage? I mean, how is his taste any different from that of an absurd Pitchfork writer? Those guys are always killed for their rap fetishes. I'm not saying that they're not guilty, but let's also recognize that Sanneh, as a critic, is of the same ilk.

- Most of this is marketing. As Cam says, record companies and rappers make money off of the stop-snitching shit and all the other elements of criminal behavior that get sold. If they didn't, rappers would be saying something else, like rapping about who likes butter or who needs a haircut. (Wait, De La already did that and everyone thought it was funny.) Russell Simmons indirectly makes money by advocating for a bad-word ban because it makes him seem like some moral paragon. It's all about appearances.

I'm not trying to get all Joe Buck on everyone and become an overbearing moralistic jerk. Nor am I arguing against balance or perspective--things don't have to be all of one thing or another. There is room for the Dip Set. Usually, they're funny. And usually you can just shrug as Russell Simmons runs his mouth. But at some point--a point like that at which we've recently arrived due to this confluence of recent events--you have to wonder if everyone needs to be held more accountable. It's not OK for the powers that be to perpetuate an endless cycle of degradation with a widespread audience serving as tacit, if not enthusiastic, accomplices.

With Apologies to Phife...

This is what my mind looks like these days. Sort of.

...the Bangin' is a blog of the people, not a blog of the fame.

You'll be pleased to know that Passion & Bangin', LLC convened a task-force meeting today to discuss The List and to review The Spreadsheet. We are collecting data and moving forward. All goes well with the project, and an end result should be reached by next week.

In the meantime, I wanted to provide a small sample of the input that this project has generated, just for the sake of contemplation and discussion. While vigilance in the name of integrity is a mandate and completely wack ballots will be rejected as though this were Florida in 2000 and I were Katherine Harris, the very nature of this project erodes a certain amount of supposed moral authority. Who am I to judge someone else's beliefs? While it is fundamentally impossible for a Kay Slay mixtape to be the greatest record of all time (or anything from Sheist Bub), the purposely vague notion of "greatness" allows for the (somewhat) credible inclusion of many records that you might not have seen on previous lists. In some ways, that's the point. So peruse what follows--I've posted entries from the blog-less, as my blogging peers will still be counted and have their own outlets, after all--and continue bombarding me with lists and suggestions. It's greatly appreciated and plenty fun.

From The Biz Never Loses...

Love your site. Also love the Knicks. And hate Wince Carter. And Hate "N8" aka 50 Cent's little brother. Bigger fan of Isiah than you, though.

On to music....

For the sake of variety, I only mentioned groups once in the top 25. Hopefully not too late to get my votes counted. As requested (I think), included commentary...And I'm sure I'll change my mind by tomorrow.

1) A Tribe Called Quest - Low End - 16 years later the only flaw I can find is the song "What"

2) Eric B & Rakim - Paid in Full - I saw Rakim live at Times Square this past fall...still deservedly afforded the respect of the greatest of all time

3) Nas - Illmatic - These three albums are like Dirk, Nash and Duncan this year...any one could win MVP and I'd sleep alright. This album was probably perfect in every way but length

4) Public Enemy - It Takes a Nation of Millions - if the vote were limited to people born in the 70s, this would win

5) Run DMC - Raising Hell - Sadly, I'm worried too many new jacks will ignore the likes of Run DMC. By the way, none of my favourite Run DMC tracks are on this album, but this was the best one start to finish. Question - did Run DMC ever have an album cover that wasn't awful? But you loved them all anyway, right?

6) Wu Tang Clan - Enter the Wu Tang - I get goosebumps thinking about how excited I was the first 5 times I listened to this album. By the way, can we agree that Raekwon would make the best lawyer ever? Not sure about his judicial expertise, but I do know his voice when he talks would be hilarious as a defence counsellor

7) Organized Konfusion - Stress: The Extinction Agenda - I presume I will be the only person who votes for this criminally underrated album. This LP had it all - beats, lyrics, emotion, guest shots, brilliant theme songs, gospel chorusus, lots of spelling out of the group name, one of the all time remixes for "Bring It On," and a Beatles sample backwards on the title track

8) Slick Rick - The Great Adventures of Slick Rick - Damn new jacks are gonna front on this too

9) Biggie - Ready to Die - "There's gonna be a lot of slow singin and flower bringin/if my burglar alarm starts ringin"...RIP

10) Freestyle Fellowship - To Whom It May Concern - I'm an east coast head through-and-through...but this was on some next-level ish. Brilliant

11) Outkast - Aquemini - I can't decide if Outkast or De La is greatest group ever. Big Boi may have got better, but this was Andre at his peak

12) De La Soul - Buhloone Mind State - I remember being in high school and the jazz track on this blew my mind. I literally went out and bought "A Love Supreme" and took up listening to jazz

13) Main Source - Breaking Atoms - This was just so hot when it came out, and it still sounds fly today

14) BDP - Criminal Minded - It should be higher in terms of excellence and influence...but we are talking favourites, right? Stellar album nonetheless

15) Ultramagnetic MCs - Critical Beatdown - I hate how Kool Kieth has been coopted by internet freaks who hate most hiphop. The beats on this album were insane

16) Dr. Dre - The Chronic - Doggystyle is probably more memorable, but this was the one I loved. Skits, rhymes, beats - it was all so fresh

17) Jay-Z - Reasonable Doubt - My biggest beef was that it dragged after the 14th or 15th track...but it sounds just as good today as it did 10 years ago

18) EPMD - Business as Usual - How do you choose between the first 3 EPMD albums? I guess this album had no fillers, plus both Redman guest shots were bananas

19) Reflection Eternal - Train of Thought - If Kweli didn't cram too many syllables into lines every now and again, this would have been top 10

20) Big Daddy Kane - It's a Big Daddy Thing - Just sheer rhymed his ass off for this album

21) Mos Def - Black on Both Sides - If you get past "Rock and Roll," Mos is water, excuse the pun, throughout. It's sad that he couldn't recapture the magic

22) Mobb Deep - The Infamous - Absolutely owned the east coast, not just New York, in 1995

23) Common - Ressurection - I may have somewhat forced this in to ensure that Common had an album in the top 25. It's strange, there are not many better emcees than Common, but he still doesn't have that one, signature classic album. This is closest

24) Pharcyde - Bizarre Ride II the Pharcyde - Chris Rock, in discussing this album, noted that only in hiphop do we have "one album wonders." This album was the off the wall, but fly as hell. And it still sounds just as insane and hilarious and infective as it did 15 years ago

25) Kanye West - College Dropout - Tough to choose over Late Registration, which has fewer throwaway tracks, but this has more classic gems. This and the Pharcyde are the two albums I feel sheepish about including, to be completely honest

If I had submitted the next 25 as my top 25, you probably would still not haved batted an eye:

26 A Tribe Called Quest Midnight Marauders
27 Black Moon - Enta Da Stage
28 De La Soul - 3 Feet High and Rising
29 EPMD Strictly Business
30 Outkast ATLiens
31 Diamond D - Stunts, Blunts and Hip Hop
32 The Roots - Things Fall Apart
33 Snoop Doggy Dogg- Doggystyle
34 Pete Rock & CL Smooth - Mecca and the Soul Brother
35 Aceyalone - A Book of Human Language
36 Souls of Mischief - 93 Til Infinity
37 NWA - Straight Outta Compton
38 Gza - Liquid Swords
39 Jay-Z - Blueprint
40 Scarface - The Fix
41 X-Clan - To the East, Blackwards
42 Gang Starr - Step Into the Arena
43 De La Soul - 3 Feet High and Rising
44 Raekwon - Only Built 4 Cuban Linx
44 Nas - God's Son
46 Kool G Rap & DJ Polo - Wanted: Dead or Alive
47 KMD - Mr. Hood
48 Brand Nubian- One for All
49 Eric B. & Rakim - Let the Rhythm Hit Em
50 Jungle Brothers - Straight Out the Jungle

And I still can't find room for these 40 classics. Sigh.

De La Soul - The Grind Date
Quasimoto - The Unseen
Marley Marl - In Control, Vol I
MF Doom- Operation Doomsday
KRS One - KRS One
Cannibal Ox - The Cold Vein
Blackalicious - Blazing Arrow
Blackalicious - Nia
LL Cool J - Radio
BDP - The Blueprint of Hip Hop
Tupac - Me Against the World
Method Man - Tical
Jay-Z - The Black Album
Nas - Hip Hop is Dead
Kanye West- Late Registration
Common - Like Water for Chocolate
Bizmarkie - Goin' Off
Run DMC - Tougher Than Leather
Ice Cube - Amerikkkas Most Wanted
Public Enemy - Fear of a Black Planet
Black Star - Black Star
Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
Ice Cube - Death Certificate
Public Enemy - Fear of a Black Planet
Company Flow - Funcrusher Plus
Biggie Smalls - Life After Death
Gang Starr - Hard to Earn
Organized Konfusion - Organized Konfusion
Del - No Need for Alarm
Smif N Wessun - The Wrecknoning
Prince Paul - A Prince Among Thieves
Ghostface Killah - Ironman
MC Lyte - Lyte as a Rock
Divine Styler - Directrix
Lauryn Hill - Miseducation
Special Ed - Youngest In Charge
OC - Word...Life
3rd Bass - Cactus Album
Jeru - The Sun Rises in the East
Big Daddy Kane - Long Live the Kane

From our man Zilla, his list of greatest records (not necessarily favorites):

1-"Enter the Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers" Wu-Tang Clan. When 7 of 12 tracks from an album become classic singles, I don't really know how you top that. There's not one minute of filler on this album--the skits are incredible, RZA changed music forever with the beats, the Clansmen were funny, vivid, hardcore, poignant and original....it's perfect, front to back. If you listen to the whole album, by the end you feel like your smoking dust in the hallways of Staten Island, freestyling with the nicest MC's in the area while cats are dying, getting robbed and counting money all around you.

2-"It Takes a Nation of Millions" Public Enemy. Everyone picks this as the best hip hop album of all time, but I don't find it as enjoyable as Wu-Tang's debut. I understand the importance of it, politically and sonically. And Chuck D never gets enough props as an MC by himself. By in my mind, it's number 2 simply because Wu gets more plays today than PE in my life.

3-"Illmatic" Nas. Possibly the most hyped rap debut album of all time with the most unrealistic expectations put forth afterwards. Also, the best 40 minutes in hip hop ever. I like how Nas changed the game from an MC's standpoint--up until then, the best MC's were superheroes with over the top personas and egos. I think people related to Nas because he was soft-spoken, introspective and human. There was no "Nas" character the same way there was a "Big Daddy Kane" character or "Biz Markie" character. It was like evasdropping on someone letting out their thoughts of over incredible beats.

4-"Straight Outta Compton" NWA. Definitely not their best record as a whole, but it's crazy that in 2007, people still follow the blueprint of this album to a "T"--excessive violence, degrading women, drugs, guns, hood shit, jokes, f*ck the police. This is hip hop's punk rock record.

5-"Paid in Full" Eric B and Rakim. Party records. MC records. Fast rapping. Slow rapping. Perfect for the car, the stage, a mix show. Rakim never wastes one bar and the beats fit him like a glove while sampling the best parts of the best soul records ever (Barry White, Lynn Collins, James Brown, Kool and The Gang, Syl Johnson, etc.).

6-"Doggystyle" Snoop Doggy Dogg. The greatest party gangsta album ever. The best Dr. Dre beats ever. Classic album cover, skits, guest apperances, hooks, videos, etc. Snoop was clearly the star and the biggest rapper of '93-'94 and he's been playing catch-up to this album for the past 10-12 years.

7-"Ready to Die" Notorious BIG. I actually like "Life After Death" better than this album simply because by the end of "Ready To Die," I want to slit my wrists. But Biggie really held it down in every aspect on this record without a ton of guest appearances--perfect flow, charisma, stories, bragging raps, introspective joints, great hooks. Some of the beats are suspect ("Respect," "Friend of Mine"), but everyone can rap along to every word of the majority of this album ("Big Poppa," "Warning," "Juicy," "Unbelievable"). And "The What" is the best hip hop duet ever made.

8-"Raising Hell" Run-DMC. The first big pop record in hip hop. These guys were like a great basketball team--everyone knew their roles at all times. Jay was the backbone on the beats, DMC was the superhero and Run was the brash, energetic lead man. I think Run-DMC were better at making incredible singles than they were at making full albums, but without this album, hip hop wouldn't be as big as it today period.

9-"The Chronic" Dr. Dre. Without this album, the West Coast would've never been taken seriously. I think Dr. Dre has brought more cats into the game than anyone else--anyone he works with puts out at least one single or album at some point. This album is really R&B over East Coast drums and breaks, but he fooled everyone into thinking it was dangerous and gangsta.

10-"Only Built 4 Cuban Linx" Raekwon. Another album everyone tries to duplicate with skits, movie samples, mafioso talk, aliases, etc. Rae's never lived up to the expectations of this album, but dammit, how can he? It didn't even matter that Ghostface outshined him--Rae was still in control of this album and opened up crack rap, Scarface samples, and styles and slang no one had ever heard before. This was RZA's first real score to a film.

11-"Midnight Marauders" A Tribe Called Quest. You can interchange this with "Low End Theory," but I just like this record better because of the samples and the vibes compared to Low End, which was stripped down and kinda dark in comparison. Both have classic singles, album covers, guest apperances, etc. Like Run-DMC, the guys all knew their roles and the listener benefits from it. Probably the most carefree hip hop album that still stands the test of time.

12-"Amerikkka's Most Wanted"-Ice Cube. Cube made one of the best political, gangsta and East Coast albums ever in one shot. I think the Bomb Squad almost delivered better beats than on "A Nation of Millions" here. Like Nas and Rakim, Cube didn't waste one lyric on this entire album. The skits were coherent, the concepts were real and thought-provoking and the attitude was "f*ck you!"

13-"Aquemini" Outkast. "ATLiens" is my favorite Kast album, but this really changed everything. This album brought southern rap outta the south while still being true to the region. Experimental without being indulgent. Progressive without being boring and pompous. Basically, this is the album the Roots have been trying to make since "Things Fall Apart."

14-"Criminal Minded" Boogie Down Productions. The ultimate b-boy album. This album feels like the Bronx, and I've never even been there besides a few baseball games. Hard drums, anthem hooks, reggae flows, swagger, ego, intelligent lyrics, timeless singles. This is textbook hip hop.

15-"3 Feet High and Rising" De La Soul. "Stakes is High" is my favorite De La album, but this album made it okay to be a quirky, weird kid in hip hop and still be taken seriously. Fun, loose, original, nerdy--the Plugs and Prince Paul just made a weird album and it happened to have a massive single ("Me Myself and I"). The guys were so smart and comfortable it was scary.

16-"Long Live the Kane" Big Daddy Kane. The most entertaining MC of the 80s at his peak. If you were an MC, you didn't wanna battle him here. If you were a chick, you probably wanted to have sex with him. If you were a hip hop fan, Kane was your hero. If you went to a show, he was gonna tear it down. The songs are memorable, the beats are raw and catchy, the ego and swagger is unmatched...this was a clinic on "Why I'm better than you." And that's hip hop 101.

17.-"Strictly Business" EPMD. This is how every major label rap album should be---beats for the car and the club, coherent clever rhymes, 1 producer, no filler or meaningless skits, 10 songs. They made it look so easy to be funky, hard, cool and fly. "It's My Thing" still knocks damn near 20 years later.

18-"The Infamous" Mobb Deep. There must be something in the water in Queensbridge. I had never heard an MC like Prodigy before this album--a cold-blooded, emotionless villain who couldn't even get served at a bar. Havoc worked wonders with 2 bar loops of mainly dark keys and strings. Even the beats by Q-Tip fit the rest of the album perfectly. These guys were terrifying in a really subtle, soft-spoken way and the picture they painted of QB was more shocking and frightening than on "Illmatic."

19-"Makaveli" 2Pac. If you listen to this album then listen to 50 Cent, you'll see and hear how 50 built his persona--picking fights with other rappers, sing-songy hooks, chest-naked photos, club joints, gangsta talk. But Pac actually had substance and concepts, 2 things 50 never will touch. Probably the most lyrically challenged of all the greatest MC's bar for bar, Pac's passion, energy, anger, fear and storytelling skills make up for that. And this album is concise, intelligent, angry, descriptive, smooth and fierce all in 12 songs.

20-"Reasonable Doubt" Jay-Z. Again, if you listen to "Illmatic" and "Ready to Die," you'll hear what inspired Jay--the introspective street hustler who loved money, cars and clothes but had a lot on his mind. I still don't understand why Ski didn't produce the bulk of Jay's later material, cause "Feelin It" and "Politics As Usual" fit Hov pefectly. "Brooklyn's Finest" would be a hit record today. "Can't Knock the Hustle" is the epitome of Jay-Z as an MC. Plus "Dead Presidents" might be the best song he ever wrote. This was like the east coast "Chronic" with better MCing--smooth R&B beats mixed with some DJ Premier.

21-"Things Fall Apart"-The Roots. They really nailed it with this one. I don't get why The Roots ran away from the neo-soul Philly sound--they've never sounded as comfortable on record as they did hear. Black Thought absolutely murdered every rhyme, Malik B and Dice were still hanging around, and the guest apperances from Mos Def, Common, Beans and Eve all hit the mark. At times indulgent, but always fresh and funky. And "Step into a Realm" is harder than what any mixtape rapper says to this day.

22-"Fantastic Vol 2." Slum Village. Welcome to the Jay Dee sound, stolen, jacked and pillaged ever since. Despite the fact that none of these guys could go bar for bar with anyone of solid skill, they introduced a style which now dominates mainstream rap--exclusively using your voice and flow as another instrument in the track. It's still a great record for the car, for a party, for headphones, whatever. The most influential hip hop album from the midwest ever.

23-"Muddy Waters" Redman. Beginning to end, the best album of Red's career. Pure entertainment. Blunted, sub-bass beats from Erick Sermon and Rockwilder. Lyrically, this is Redman's zenith, and that's saying a lot. The skits were still hilarious and memorable. The formula was the same from the first two albums, but tighter and more focused. It's such a basic, funky, blunted hip hop record and yet no one's made an album like this, and no one ever will.

24-"Blowout Comb" Digable Planets. This is like an intro course to hip hop. Dirty ass classic breaks? Check. Jazz loops? Check. Homages to NYC, graffitti, the corners? Check. Originality? Check. Tag team raps? Check. Original concepts? Check. The most underrated hip hop album of all time hands down.

25-tie "Liquid Swords" GZA and "Supreme Clientele" Ghostface. Both records completely epitomize both MC's, who are 2 of the greatest to ever touch a mic.

"Liquid Swords" is the most intelligent street album ever made. Dark, depressing, cold, vicious. You can only listen to this album in the winter. GZA too wasted not one rhyme at any point. Classic songs: "Liquid Swords, Shadowboxin, 4th Chamber." Classic guest apperances, yet no one outshined GZA. This is album for MC's.

"Supreme Clientele" is every critic's favorite pick to show how cool they are, how much they dick-ride Ghostface and Wu-Tang. There's just so many layers of weird shit inside this album it's hard to know where to begin. Ghostface made sense for about 10 mins of the whole record and it's still believable, engaging and incredible. Soulful, psychadelic and grimy all in one. Again, no one can even attempt to make a hip hop album like this.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Enta Da Stage" Black Moon
"Moment of Truth" Gangstarr
"Paul's Boutique" Beastie Boys
"Fantastic Damage" El-P
"Resurrection" Common
"Black on Both Sides" Mos Def
"6 Feet Deep" Gravediggaz
"Life After Death" BIG
"The Blueprint" Jay-Z

From comments-section superstar Kwis, among the few Buckeye fans that this site can like, let alone tolerate...

This was a near impossible task. The whole thing is so subjective, but that’s to be expected. What made things particularly difficult for me was the temporal nature of taste in music. There are albums, Heltah Skeltah’s Nocturnal is a perfect example, which I thought were 5-mic classics when they were released, but when I listen today I literally cannot understand what I was possibly thinking (note: still a good album, just nowhere near classic status). Likewise there are albums that are inarguably classics that nonetheless sound a little dated today, i.e., Enter the 36 and all pre-Love Movement Tribe. Finally, there are albums that didn’t make huge splashes initially, but stick with me and etched their way in to classic and, more importantly, timeless status. Stakes is High is a great example of this. It's an album I didn’t even particularly like on first listen, but now listen to with greater frequency than any other De La release by leaps and bounds.

In order to try to have some semblance of a measurable standard, I focused on albums that are, for me, timeless; albums that grew on me and continue to grow on me; albums I listen to today and believe I will still listen to in 10 years. Anyway, my take…

1) Outkast – ATLiens—No album before or since has had such an initial impact on me. I literally remember walking to the record store the day this came out. I had plans to go out that night and wanted to get home so I could quickly listen before my ride got there. When my ride came, I told him I was staying home and I sat there and listened to this album straight thru, over and over, until sometime the next morning. Since then, I’ve only grown more fond of it. A complete package in terms of an overall feel, fantastic lyricism and stellar production that is unrivaled. I have great trouble deciding what my number 2-10 albums should look like, but number one is a cinch. Aquemini and Stankonia probably belong on this list. They’re easily top 35.

2) Common – Resurrection—This is kind of a sentimental emcee’s favorite. Common’s wordplay on this record is so dense that I literally still catch new stuff from time to time and I’ve worn this thing out on cassette and CD several times over. Also the fact that he’s pretty clearly drunk on the majority of the recordings is just fantastic. The whole album is just fun in a way that very little hip-hop these days is. I remember liking the introspective sensitive Com when he first started with that bullshit. I’m sorry.

3) De La Soul – Stakes Is High—Masters hitting their stride and the introduction of what remains the only hip-hop being made for grown ass men. Everyone knows De La crafts fantastic albums, that they’re effortless (if not always as quotable as their counterparts) on the mic, but what seems to always go overlooked is their taste in beats. Every single De La album is fire production wise and lots of it, particularly recently, is homemade. They make my top ten as producers, why don’t more producers use chord changes?

4) Pharcyde – Labcabincalifornia—It may be becoming clear, I like albums that are cohesive works as opposed to a bunch of good songs slapped together. This record actually sounds like it could have been recorded in one take it is so seamless. Like Stakes, it is a fun record. There is not really one song that stands out as a classic single, it’s the whole thing taken together and the effortlessness of it all. My favorite Dilla work.

5) Smif n Wesson – Dah Shinin’—This was a really difficult choice. There are a number of crime rap albums from this era (Cuban Linx, Reasonable Doubt, Illmatic, War Report, Infamous) and, quite frankly, if it weren’t for the strength of that body, I probably wouldn’t put any single one of those albums so high. Consider this a nod to the BCC boys for beating out such an exceptionally strong pack. It may also be the case that I cite this as my favorite among those albums to be contrarian, but it ties back in with my love for cohesive albums that are evocative of a consistent mood. All of these albums do this well, but none as well as the Shinin’. While Cuban and RD are great albums to fantasize to, this is some everyday shit. Also a good example of emcees who, in the moment and with the help of outstanding production, probably transcended their actual abilities (as evidenced by….their careers).

6) Goodie Mob – Still Standin’—I identified 37 albums that I thought fit the criteria and then broke them down into smaller groups to rank. This is the last among my undeniable, take to a desert island albums. It also fits into the category of albums that are stronger than their parts. Black Ice is among my favorite songs of all time, Organized Noise peaked, and so did Cee-Lo, signaling his pending quit rapping and start singing bullshit that has robbed our generation of several classic albums.

7) Lil Wayne – The Carter—I’d probably rank this higher if I weren’t scared Joey would delete my whole list. I was shocked at how good this album was and its still the best piece of work Weezy has put together. Also Fresh’s highest achievement on the boards.

8) Dead Prez – Let’s Get Free—Like many of my favorite albums this one grows on you one track at a time. The production is stellar throughout and the songs become your favorite song on the album one by one until you realize the whole thing is a classic.

9) Boogiemonsters – Recognized Thresholds of Negative Stress—Wow, writing this list makes me realize how its been way too long since I listened to this record. This and the B.U.M.S. rank as one and two on most slept on albums of all time.

10) 2Pac – Me Against the World—There had to be some Pac on this list. I thought this was the proper choice. It was kind of the halfway point between Pac’s two personalities. He realized how much people loved the Thug image, but hadn’t bought into it to the point of cartoonishness yet and he still had the humility that made the world fall in love with him.

11) Raekwon – Only Built—This could easily be in Dah Shinin’s spot. Other people will say enough about this album.

12) O.C. – Word…Life—This has become a Sunday afternoon cleaning the house standard. I remember my parents used to listen to Credence Clearwater when they cleaned the house. I’m sure there must be some kind of connection in there.

13-16) Mobb Deep – The Infamous; Nas – Illmatic; Jay – Reasonable Doubt; BIG – Ready to Die—I flip flop constantly about which of these I like better, with the order usually looking like this. Sometimes CNN War Report sneaks in too, but I didn’t have room for it here.

17) The B.U.M.S. – Life n Tymes—My affection for this album probably owes in large part to the life experiences associated with it and the fact that I still feel like way to few people know about it (you know how that is). Word of advice, don’t be one of those people, find this record.

18) The Roots – Illadelph Halflife—Definitely Thought’s pinnacle (and people talking about Tipping Point and such are out of their fucking minds), not as much of a “live band” album as the others, but dope as fuck nonetheless. A little bit more daring then Things Fall Apart, which is why it's here.

19) Bone Thugs n Harmony – Creepin On A Come Up—I’m from Cleveland. We about lost our fucking minds when this shit became a hit. Plus that Vibe article that Ben wrote had me asking right along with these guys, why don’t they get more respect? No Surrender is still a fantastic song to put on and dream of shooting cops.

20) Redman – Dare Iz A Darkside—I can see the arguments for the Whut? Thee Album, thought not any of the others. Its again a sentimental favorite and influenced me a lot as an emcee, but it really is great. The Def Squad at their peak, the skits are actually worthwhile, the whole album has this same cosmic theme. The whole shit just worked. It worked so well, he’s been trying to recreate the formula ever since (see: Red Gone Wild).

21) Slum Village – Slum Village—I know its early, but given that I’m eschewing old school classics for shit I actually still listen too, I’m ging to ahead and add this and predict that I’ll be talking about this album in a few years the way I talk about Boogiemosters and the B.U.M.S. now. For some reason, fan’s of the original Slum kinda slept on this despitethe fact that the production doesn’t miss a beat (no small task losing Dilla) and Elzhi si an absolute man eating beast on every track AND T3 steps his game up. This Weezy and the next one are probably my favorite albums in the last 3 or 4 years.

22) Clipse – We Got It 4 Cheap Pt. 2—Given the ubiquity of mixtapes these days coupled with the fact that this shit is STILL in my changer, it has to get shine. I liked Hell Hath as much as the next guy, but I really hope these guys branch out from the Neptunes at some point.

23) Dr. Dre – The Chronic—Yes, this should obviously be higher, but I really don’t listen to it that much anymore and I wanted to be honest with the way I ranked things. Still a groundbreaking classic. What more can I say.

24) Camp Lo – Uptown Saturday Night—Still don’t know what the fuck these guys were talking about, and still don’t give a shit. They were coooool. This is it, WHAT?

25) Kanye West – College Dropout—Say what you want, the album was ridiculous.

From Gary, admitted new jack, college-bound senior, and hip-hop scholar...

Being a new jack (born 1989), eventually I realized that the angle I had been fed about all rap being crap was bullshit. And after getting rid of the G-Unit CD I had, I knew that I had no choice but to go back into the annals of history and pull out all the gem I had missed. With the help of my brother (ten years my senior) and the Internet, I had some sort of direction with which to dive headfirst into the boombap. If you weren't there the first time around, finding some of these CDs can be a pain in the ass, yet the treasure makes the search more worthwhile. My feelings for these albums are somewhat like any Rogain-using baby boomer's feelings for Bob Dylan, Hendrix, Cream, etc. Some of these bought from an actual store, others I downloaded, others I borrowed from my brother, others I bought CD-r copies of from collectors. I'm still missing a lot of the classics like Sex Packets, The Infamous, The Chronic, Body-Hat Syndrome, 21 & Over, Only Built for Cuban Linx, Liquid Swords, Return of the Funky Man, most of Run-DMC's shit, etc...but I'm fuckin' trying. Combine this with the challenge of keeping up with new music, and, well you get the idea. Some of my comments are brief, but words write themselves where they need to be written. Here goes:

25. Vaudeville Villain (Viktor Vaughn)
Any rapper who samples the Scooby Doo theme song and makes it work gets a pass. Doom's flow and diction decimate most of his peers.

24. Soul Survivor (Pete Rock)
With Pete Rock at his best, pre-PETA Common Sense, 2/3 of the Wu, and a living Big Pun, how does this not get in? Think of this as definite proof that Pete Rock > DJ Premier. The only track that's not 100% dope is Truly Yours '98.

23. Uptown Saturday Night (Camp Lo)
Two of the finest character actors in rap music.

22. Licensed to Ill (Beastie Boys)
Looks horrible on paper, but it works!

21. On Fire (Stetsasonic)
The second-oldest album on the list. A perfect melding of boombap and '86 bravado from the first hip-hop band. Take that ?uestlove.

20. No One Can Do it Better (D.O.C.)
Talking shit for 50 minutes usually doesn't work, but the D.O.C. pulls it off with flying colors over some of Dre's finest, yet simplest beats. 'No One Can Do it Better' is one of the few albums where the actual music takes a back seat to the rapper. D.O.C. is also the only member of N.W.A. who has not had his dillz in The Game's mouth.

19. Ready to Die (Biggie)
Do I really need to explain this?

18. Run-DMC (RUN-DMC)
See above.

17. Genocide & Juice (The Coup)
Boots Riley is the most underrated rapper in the known universe. His flow, diction, and clarity are so very razor-sharp. Lately he seems to be suffering from wack beats, which pains me greatly. He seems to intelligent to be toiling in obscurity. I would cream my pants if he were to appear on the Daily Show.

16. Criminal Minded (BDP)

15. Unfinished Business (EPMD)
I'm getting very lazy about the commentary on each album.

14. Midnight Marauders (A Tribe Called Quest)

13. Paul's Boutique (Beastie Boys)

12. Slaughtahouse (Masta Ace)
This albums challenges the status quo perhaps even more so than 'Nation of Millions.' No one has had the balls to make such a statement since, at least not with as much attention to detail.

11. The Great Adventures of Slick Rick (Slick Rick)

10. Whut? Thee Album (Redman)

9. Death Certificate (Ice Cube)

8. Illmatic (Nas)
I would have put this higher, but the fact that the demos and unreleased tracks (Deja Vu) are better than most of what actually made the album sets it back. However, 'The World is Yours' is one of the best rap songs ever made.

7. Black on Both Sides (Mos Def)
Stop laughing. This one holds a special place in my heart, since it was one of the first great rap CDs I ever heard. Dude deserves to be clowned the way he acts now, but in 1998, the man had vision.

6. Organized Konfusion (Organized Konfusion)

5. Fear of a Black Planet (Public Enemy)

4. Buhloone Mindstate (De La Soul)

3. Resurrection (Common)

2. A Prince Among Thieves (Prince Paul)
The best concept album EVER. Flawlessly executed. The first and last word on why the drug trafficking thing is bullshit. Breezely Brewin reminds me of a more energetic Guru, which is a good thing. Probably the most cohesive album on this list.

1. It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (Public Enemy)
I really had no choice. No album is ever fucking with this. 'Nation of Millions' contains no less than five of the best hip-hop songs of all time: 'Don't Believe the Hype', 'Night of the Living Baseheads', 'Rebel Without a Pause','Bring the Noise' & 'Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos'. The less popular songs like 'Louder than a Bomb' & 'Party for your Right to Fight' also shame anything else I can think of. Shit, I even like 'She Watch Channel Zero'!

Honorable Mention:
3 Feet High & Rising
AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted
Business As Usual
Business Never Personal
De La Soul is Dead
Elif4zaggin
Enter the Wu-Tang
Kill My Landlord
Latyrx
Long Live the Kane
The Low End Theory
Stress: The Extinction Agenda
Word...Life

From long-time reader Deen, as in The Infamous...Mobb Deen...

Long time reader here. This should be really interesting. Here goes:

1. Nas - Illmatic
I'd didn't realize how good rap could be until I heard this. After my 2nd listen, I had a new favorite.

2. Jay-Z - The Blueprint
Most prefer Reasonable Doubt, but this was the soundtrack for my first semester of college.

3. A Tribe Called Quest - Midnight Marauders
It's better than Low End Theory. If that's blasphemy, bring the pain.

4. Outkast - Aquemini
So organic and assured. Very underrated.

5. Wu-Tang Clan - Return The 36 Chambers
Ain't Nuthin Ta F' Wit makes me feel like punching pregnant ladies, but...

6. Mobb Deep - The Infamous
Makes me want to punt the fetuses inside them.

7. Dr. Dre - The Chronic
It was either this or Doggystyle, they're essentially the same CD.

8. Eric B. & Rakim - Paid In Full
This isn't the token old school pick, this shit is great. Even the instrumental tracks shit on Jeezy.

9. De La Soul - Stakes Is High
The O.G. grown man offering. Fuck Kingdom Come.

10. Common - Resurrection
The most personal CD on the list for me. Book of life described my existence so accurately, it spooked me.

11. Nas - It Was Written
If there are any redeeming qualities to crime and drug rap, you can find them ALL on this...

12. Biggie - Ready To Die
...and this.

13. Ice Cube - Death Certificate
Violent, Hilarious and Conscious. We'll never see shit like this again.

14. DMX - It's Dark and Hell Is Hot
Fulfilled all my teenage fake thug fantasies.

15. EPMD - Business As Usual
These dudes souded like retards and no one can hold a candle to them today.

16. Ghostface Killah - Supreme Clientele
It took 5 years to get this shit and the only parts I could explain to anyone else are a glorified scratch and a crackhead skit. Love it.

17. Gangstarr - Moment of Truth
One word: Primo.

18. Big Pun - Capital Punishment
Too bad he died, but he was never going to top this. Never.

19. Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth - Mecca and the Soul Brother
T.R.O.Y. = Classic.

20. Fugees - The Score
The perfect balance of rap, pop and world influences.

21. Camp Lo - Uptown Saturday Night
Ghostface for the masses. Too bad they disappeared. Ski can make a beat. Damn.

22. The Roots - Things Fall Apart
Not an apt title for that disc, but the music was excellent anyway.

23. Pharell - In My Mind
Just kidding. Pay attention.

23. Raekwon - Only Built 4 Cuban Linx
So dense, so cinematic...yeah, yeah. It's good. Done.

24. GZA - Liquid Swords
I didn't know what clever meant till I heard this shit.

25. Diamond D - Stunts, Blunts and Hip Hop
Best producer driven album ever.

That was fun. Note that I tried to restrict each artist to one album on the list (except Nas). Thanks for the opportunity.

Did You Get the Memo: A Note from Headquarters

This should be on everyone's desk this morning.

DATE: 04.23.07
TO: ALL CONCERNED PARTIES
FROM: JOEY
RE: WASN'T MY RAP BALLOT SUPPOSED TO BE POSTED; AND HOW ABOUT THEM WARRIORS; AND WASN'T IT A LITTLE BIT CHILLING (IN A GOOD WAY) TO WATCH TMAC TAKE OVER THE THIRD QUARTER; AND IT'S A MONDAY, SO WHERE'S THE MUSIC; AND DON'T YOU HAVE SOME RACE-RELATED THINGS TO SAY ABOUT WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU WRITE ABOUT SINCE YOU ALWAYS ARE TALKING ABOUT RACE; AND DIDN'T YOU GO TO THE JORDAN CLASSIC AGAIN THIS YEAR; AND OTHER GRIPES

The answer is "yes." I was supposed to post some ballots; the Warriors are good; TMac is a flawed deity like Scottie was, and that's what makes them so lovable (); I do have new music to pontificate about; I do think most things are racist and spent a good portion of Friday talking about that (sort of); I was at the Jordan Classic; and yes to everything else.

Warm weather hit New York this weekend. So did my crippling need to work in my backyard, the NBA Playoffs, a mild case of LSAT anxiety, and the aforementioned Classic. The warm weather meant I could go outside (and wear pink); my preoccupation with the backyard that redeems the dilapidated building in which I live meant that I spent five hours on Saturday killings weeds, pruning dead trees, and moving soil; the Playoffs meant that I had DVR priorities with which I could relax when taking breaks from other things; the LSAT meant that I had a bunch of homework; and the Classic meant that I was thoroughly disappointed by a sloppy game more stringently officiated than Heat-Bulls. It all combined to eff this blog the eff up.

But the good news is this: I also got to work on The Spreadsheet ("T.S.") T.S. is my friend, your friend, and everyone's friend. It does things like add up raw scores for every album that people have nominated to be among the 25 greatest hip-hop records of all time. It averages those scores, it keeps track of how many times a record receives a vote. It even has a color-coded system that keeps each list separated from the others. T.S. is the height of internets-rap-nerd innovation for the relatively low-tech (like me). And it will be completed by the end of the week so that our little album project can be unveiled before the Warriors play the Rockets in the Second Round.

More good news: real posts will be back like Kevin Willis starting tomorrow--some select lists submitted; some Music for a Monday on a Tuesday; and some whatever else.

Thanks for understanding.

-- MANAGEMENT

Eat Fish, Toss Salads, Submit Rap Ballots

Lists, please...

As many Straight Bangin' readers are aware--at least, judging by the number of submissions I've received--on Monday I posed a question (some might say challenge): What are the 25 greatest hip-hop albums of all-time? There are few rules associated with this project--name the records that you think qualify, however you're defining them, and try to put them in some order. (For the sake of convenience, it might be easiest to think of which albums are your 25 most favorite, but that is a suggested guideline meant to offer assistance. It's not a mandate.) As was stipulated, lists will be "scored" with albums placed at #1 earning 25 points, those at #2 earning 24 points, and so on. Each nominated album will then see its cumulative score divided by the number of votes it received, and the 25 highest averages will then be selected for the final list. Entries will be tallied by the accounting firm of Passion & Bangin', LLC, and the results will be unveiled next week. To preempt concern, just know that once the information has been fully digested, there will have to be some executive decisions made about outlandish situations. Like, what happens if someone's list dates back to 2004? What happens if only one person submits Rotten Apple as the all-time greatest, thereby assuring it an "average" of 25?

But don't trip. We'll work it out.

In the meantime, though, I wanted to disclose my ballot and seize upon a cool opportunity afforded by this project. So, below, please find my picks, and over the weekend, look for some notable ballots submitted by blog-less readers who have nonetheless chosen to participate. I think it will help everyone get a sense of the diversity in opinion that has been aroused by this calling.

I also encourage everyone to continue sending in submissions. I've gotten some excellent extracurriculars--the next 25; classic singles; memorable but not great albums--that will also find their way onto the interwebs next week.

The 25 Most Bangin'
25) O.C., Word...Life
This album could have been recorded in one take and it wouldn't surprise me because the dude's flow is just unreal. Plus, the beats, Buckwild's in particular, are a resonant testament to elemental hip-hop. Is there a realer "real talk" track than "Time's Up"?

24) Camp Lo, Uptown Saturday Night
I was obsessed with the discursive rhymes and staccato deliveries.

23) Slum Village, Fantastic, Vol. 2
What Slum Village lacked in lyrical strength relative to its peers on this list it made up for in vibe. This was a classic "everyday shit" record. And, it was also a production showcase for Dilla. One of the best collections of beats I've heard.

22) Digable Planets, Blowout Comb
Pretty much the definitive jazz-rap album. This might be the most underrated hip-hop record ever.

21) Eric B. and Rakim, Paid in Full
This isn't only about the album's legacy. This is mostly about Eric B. taking James Brown music and making it sound good in a new way. This is mostly about Rakim stringing together rhymes and alliteration and assonance in all kinds of ways.

20) N.W.A., Straight Outta Compton
Were the production not so creative--the cutting, the sampling, the party music?--and the rhymes not so emotionally charged, it would be among the all-time greatest because no record has ever encompassed a social context and the sound of an entire region so vividly.

19) Pharcyde, Bizarre Ride II the Pharcyde
Did it ever seem as though any rappers were having a better time? This album holds up surprisingly well over time, as well.

18) Common, Resurrection
Though people love to hate on Common's bohemian tendencies, crappy experimentation, and nearly contrived soft-spoken demeanor, they can never tell you that he isn't a god-body MC. "Book of Life," "Chapter 13" (!)--so many joints.

17) GZA, Liquid Swords
With production that constantly calls to mind a gray, cold day somewhere in poor New York, this is the perfect distillation of the Wu-Tang style. So then why isn't it higher? Purely a matter of nebulous personal preference.

16) Mobb Deep, The Infamous
I am done writing about this record. People just know.

15) Notorious B.I.G., Ready to Die
Here's something we don't say enough about this record: part of what makes it so consuming is that the first six tracks are sequenced sowell.

14) Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth, Mecca and the Soul Brother
Pete Rock invented: the remix; the sample; the segue; the interlude; the paradigm for producers. And C.L., smart and gifted, sounded perfectly matched to the music.

13) Big Daddy Kane, It's a Big Daddy Thing
Kane might be the best rapper of all time, with all due respect to Rakim and whomever else might get nominated. Not only could the man rhyme, and not only did he have a microphone presence that is nearly unmatched, but he could rip any kind of song. That was all on display here. Also, "Wrath of Kane"? God, I still lose my shit...

12) Ice Cube, Death Certificate
For a while I was convinced that Cube's best album was Predator because the rhyming was still tight but the musical style was somewhat more diverse. However, upon reflection, this record's honest political fury and un-skip-able beats make it Cube's greatest accomplishment.

11) Black Sheep, Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
Dres could rhyme for days, and the beats had this edge to them that set the record apart from theoretical peers--as the Sheep note at the opening--and offered a unique take on that softer sound that the Native Tongues had popularized. It's also a hilarious album--Dres rewards attentive listening.

10) The Roots, Things Fall Apart
Do You Want More?!!!??! is perhaps the best Roots entry point for the uninitiated since "they play their own instruments," but this album is an incredibly blend of hip-hop influences. Black Thought was harder but less accessible on Tipping Point; here, he was dense, as always, but also at his best. It was also a personal gateway into a deeper appreciation of rap music.

9) De La Soul, De La Soul Is Dead
Any one of De La Soul's first four albums is a justifiable choice for this list. Think about that--Three Feet for its impact; Buhloone for its jazz renderings, introspection, and humor; Stakes for the on-point rhymes. Dead is my pick, though, because not only was it a cohesive, true album, but the rhymes were simultaneously playful but serious and the production was so consistently good but also so varied.

8) Dr. Dre, The Chronic
What explanation is required?

7) Ghostface Killah, Ironman
A valid criticism of Ironman might be that while Liquid Swords remains timeless given how emblematic it is of the Wu, this album has a certain dated quality. But, I can't tell if it really has grown a little old or if I simply can't separate it from the vivid images of my teen years that are forever evoked like Pavlovian responses. A little less eclectic in its general tone, Ironman remains my favorite of the Ghostface catalogue because though a masterful storyteller, he sounds younger, hungrier, rawer, and more Wu-eccentric. Now he's mostly just eccentric; on Ironman, he scolds a woman for fucking up her Mathematics.

6) Public Enemy, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back
This album is a beast. But you already knew that. Were I a little older, I'd imagine that this would be #1 on my list.

5) A Tribe Called Quest, The Low End Theory
This is likely a momentary tumble from the top spot, but I have recently started to think that Marauders is stronger.

4) Raekwon, Only Built 4 Cuban Linx
The perfect cocktail of Wu, Scarface, Italian-mobster nostalgia, and pure rap music. I find it staggering to consider how much important, memorable material is on this one tape.

3) Wu-Tang, Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)
If you allow for the fact that there is no rap music without the records that came from the 1980s, name a single more influential album made since. This pretty much literally initiated a revolution in music. Oh by the way, it's also loaded with incredible music that, were it only found outside of context, would still merit high esteem.

2) Nas, Illmatic
Yup, it's a good one.

1) A Tribe Called Quest, Midnight Marauders
If you were to conjure the usual list of assets that great rap albums must possess, no joint would measure up as completely. Beats, rhymes, tone, consistency, cohesion, influence, humor, topical content, flow, teamwork--whatever you're looking for, save for some ignorant-ass shit, you'll find here.

You Run with Po-lice; Cam Runs from Po-lice

In this picture, Cam'ron represents those people in the t-shirts with the stop signs. It's pithy.

You know, I was going to write something lengthy (and perhaps interesting) about Cam'ron's scheduled appearance on 60 Minutes this weekend now that a preview story has made the rounds. The big news, of course, is that Anderson Cooper interviews Cam, and Cameron Giles explains that snitching is both such a grave threat to his business position and such an egregious violation of his code of ethics that he'd not even talk to police to report a serial killer living in an adjacent apartment. Cam would be shocking and disappointing were he not so predictable.

But let's dispense with the lengthy sociological probing that would have ensued had I wanted to write more. I mean, we all get it: Taking these sorts of rappers seriously seems stupid to educated people. The "Stop Snitching" movement and other trends of mass ignorance seem so intractable because we have rendered poor black people so powerless. And a glorification of Cam's fictionalized reality is troublesome if it compels people who don't have Cam's wealth and political capital to imitate the destructive shit they hear about in music. Let me know when I hit upon a new idea.

I guess my point is that this all gets tedious: the mainstream's feigned outrage and concern; the fact that there is no will to make change; the discomfort with issues of race and class that prevents us from saying to people "this is dumb, here's something better."

Maybe HR will have more. I mean, he's kind of at the opposite end of the snitching spectrum.

*sigh*

Links That You Need to Read

- HR has been killing it while covering the Virginia Tech shooting.

- Free Darko has put together one of the most enjoyable basketball series in a while. Peep part one and part two.

-Women, please remember who it was that allowed Samuel Alito to decide our rights.

NBA Award Tour 2007

You know, because no one else would hand these out if I didn't.

(Ed.'s Note #1: This post is best enjoyed if read while listening to the following:

- John Tesh, "Roundball Magic"

It just lends a certain air of excitement.)

(Ed.'s Note #2: Some more post-season thoughts are here.)

(Ed.'s Note #3: Everyone posts end-of-year awards right about now, and it gets a little boring. Without deviating all that far from reality, I usually endeavor to be a tad bit different, not just for the sake of it, but also because it makes for more fun.)

Although some people would have you believe that I hate the NFL (which I don't) and resent its success (which I do only a little), most of the negative things I write about it and its players are actually based on some reason, some modest circumspection. I mean, bullshit and unbelievable people are why God made blogs. (They were also made to chronicle all things Dip Set.) On matters of greater on-field consequence, I'd like to think that my dissension is similarly warranted. And of that justifiable "criticism" (or "observation" if you're a little less sensitive and don't get excited about things like July mini-camps), I would cite the bland NFL MVP discussion as a mild shortcoming of the league. No one ever really cares who wins the MVP award in the NFL. Peyton Manning. LaDanian Tomlinson. Tom Brady. Columbian, Dominican--yeah, whatever. Sure, award-related feuds like the one between the steroid user in San Diego and the tall guy with all the Jordans in Miami are fun, but those are few and far between. Mostly, everyone just knows who's good and waits for the Super Bowl. It's the same in baseball. MVP's won are Hall of Fame credentials, but they seem to count for little else. Outside of Minnesota, does anyone really care that Justin Morneau won it last year?

Given how much discussion it generates and what so many people take it to symbolize, the culture surrounding the NBA MVP award is distinct. For as long as a month or more, people worry about who's going to win as writers and fans build cases that they carry around as ammunition. The tepid fascination and subtle urgency that can characterize the discussion owes to the award always getting set in a historical context, with its heritage uniquely intertwined among the lineage of NBA greats. All MVP designations are validation, of course, but the mythology of the NBA MVP award contains a self-perpetuating element of timelessness: we worry about who's worthy given whom else has won, and this indelibly etches more and more names into the stone tablets that fans consult each spring. While the fact that he's white, can look awkward, has obvious holes in his game, and plays in a unique environment has made Steve Nash's recent MVP reign even more polarizing, that it implicitly argued for Nash deserving to be spoken of in terms reserved for Michael and Magic and Kareem and all of them was by far the most unsettling factor for Nash's detractors (myself included). Why it was unsettling is discussion for another day (or the comments section), but that it caused such a stir to begin with is futher evidence of the NBA MVP's singular place among post-season awards. (And let's not kid ourselves, NBA fans: that last sentence, though true, is sort of silly.)

In general, there appear to be elements of summation and declaration that come with the MVP award, an odd paradox since it is handed out before the playoffs conclude and creates a false sense of finality. If Dirk Nowitzki wins this year's award, that doesn't mean that he was the best, that Dallas will win, or that the matter is settled. But people pretend that it carries that weight (perhaps just so that they can argue otherwise). And that makes the whole thing a farce and a great deal of fun for people who can maintain some measure of perspective.

Let that be a precursor to what follows.

Ten Intriguing Storylines (in no real order)
10) "All Things Through Christ," and Other Large Humans of the Next Generation - Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh, Al Jefferson, Tyson Chandler, Tyrus Thomas, Emeka Okafor, Andrew Bynum, Andris Biedrins--all creepin' on the come-up. Amare and Yao, already way the fuck up. Big men had ceded control of the Lig to the perimeter darlings of the new age, but this season was auspicious for the future of big men.

9) We'd Like You to Know that Shawn Marion Would Like You to Know That He's Undervalued - It got played out as the season wore on (thanks in no small part to Seven Seconds or Less), but Shawn Marion finally got some deserved shine, and was happy to tell you about it. Around the Association, secondary dudes like Josh Howard seemed to earn greater recognition.

8) Things (are) Done Changeding - Golden State has made the playoffs with a young-ish nucleus. So have the Bulls, a team that challenged for the second seed in the East until last night. Orlando and the Lakers, two more playoff teams, are young. And New Orleans was in the race through the final month thanks to a youthful nucleus. There is promise to be witnessed.

7) My Favorite Player Isn't on the Team Yet - A long time proponent of the NBA's age requirement, I feel validated as I look ahead to next year and prepare for the Oden and Durant obsessions that were cultivated on ESPN and CBS every weekend this winter. Overall, it's good for basketball.

6) Jews Love Basketball - Micheal Ray made that clear; Elie Seckbach made that clear; and best of all for the NBA, the Jewish media elites who own teams, serve as kosher lawyers, and get that moneeeeey made that clear. No league is doing more with all media--notably television and internets--to provide fans with access to players and content. It makes for better fandom and robust blogging. Peep our man and the communal growth.

5) Punks Jump Up to Get Beat Down - There were many culprits on December's memorable fight night. And the coterie of ignorant offenders got told by perpetual Man of the Year David Stern.

4) Dream Teams - Dallas plays team ball. Phoenix plays team ball. San Antonio plays team ball. Golden State plays team ball. Washington plays team ball (kind of). Eliminating certain defensive restrictions has helped boost scoring, but the aesthetic improvement in the game also owes to a renewed focus on teamwork. There are many more teams I now enjoy turning on. (Sadly, not really the Knicks.)

3) Gilly the Kid - Kind of self-explanatory. This was Gilbert's year.

2) All I Wanna Say Is That They Don't Really Care About Us - Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Grant Hill, Steve Francis, Ron Artest, Peja Stojakovic, Mike Bibby, Brad Miller, Jermaine O'Neal--none of them matter right now. Most won't matter ever again. That's nearly an entire generation of players.

1) Kobe Bryant, All-Time Great - While I've always admired his game, Kobe Bryant was one of my least-favorite players for a long, long, loooooong time. But that changed this year. And not only has he won me over, but having watched what he did this year, I don't think it's a stretch to call him the most talented player of all time. He doesn't have Michael's rings, and he hasn't elevated a team as MJ did, but he's a better shooter, even more explosive, and probably as competitive. When assessing what it was that he could do, Kobe will be remembered as one of the five or ten greatest players ever.


Carter Memorial Biggest Punk Award - Nate Robinson, New York Knicks*

A perfect encapsulation of what he brings to the table.

This guy doesn't do a single thing to help his team win. He's forgetful on defense, sloppy on offense, totally undersized, and his priorities seem to primarily include dunking, trying spectacular and spectacularly stupid things, fighting, acting hard, and going for dolo. I hate Nate Robinson. There is nothing cute about him. He wields none of that internets-ennui appeal. He is just a fucking cancer on my team.

Charles Oakley All-Gully First Team

Pushing Michael off the block and out of position. Gully.

G - Nate Robinson - Hatable, but brolic.
G - Flip Murray - If you watch The Wire and Oz and listen to enough G-Unit, you probably think that Murray, upon seeing gunmen following a woman into his house, should have bum rushed them. But that's how people get shot. Instead, he slammed the door, avoided bullets, and then went out and hit a game-winner the next night. Gully!
F - Stephen Jackson - After getting hit by a car, I would be on the ground convulsing. Jackson was licking shots.
F - Zach Randolph - Only the gulliest take bereavement leave at the strip club.
C - Tyrus Thomas - Technical not a center, but someone on here has to get gully on the court, and this most certainly qualifies.
Coach - Joey Crawford - Um, the dude t'd up Tim Duncan, challenged him to a fight, and then quit the NBA while dissing Dick Bavetta on the way out. I mean, yeah, it was Tim Duncan, but still...


Brad Lohaus All-Non-Gully First Team

Oversized plaid in some dive bar? A glimpse into Mike Dunleavy's future.

G - Tony Parker - Dropping horribly cheesy Euro rap records and allowing Sports Illustrated to get its Us Weekly on at your expense is not gully...
G - Kobe Bryant - ...neither is knocking guys in the head as you come down from jumpers just because they're doing what they're supposed to be doing and playing defense...
F - Carmelo Anthony - ...neither is throwing a punch and then running away...
F - Mike Dunleavy - ...neither is being Mike Dunleavy...
C - Brendan Haywood - ...neither is pulling a teammate's hair.
Coach - Bob Hill - Middle-aged retread white guy. 'Nuff said.


Coach of the Year - Sam Mitchell, Toronto Raptors

Game recognize game

I thought that Toronto would struggle to score; wouldn't shoot well; and just didn't have the players. Instead, they're the the East's third seed in the playoffs.

2) Jerry Sloan, Utah Jazz - Another team that had some question marks. He's developed Deron, made Memo a legitimate weapon, and gotten Boozer back on track.
3) Brian Hill, Orlando Magic - Taking a young, limited team to the playoffs.
4) Avery Johnson, Dallas Mavericks - Three ten-game win streaks. Hello!
5) Jeff Van Gundy, Houston Rockets - Lots of injuries, minimal depth, and still playing at home in the first round.


Most Overrated Coach - George Karl, Denver Nuggets

When the best thing we can say about you is that you went to UNC, you're not a good coach.

I really don't get why Karl still commands respect. His work with the Sonics was ages ago and since then, he flamed out in Milwaukee and has presided over Denver teams that are never as good as they should be and can't get out of the first round. What a mastermind.


Executive of the Year - Bryan Colangelo, Toronto Raptors

Yeah, this guy was really killing Phoenix. Nice move, Robert Sarver.

Got it right trading for T.J. Ford, drafting Andrea Bargnani, and reinvigorating the franchise.

2) Chris Mullin, Golden State Warriors - Rehired Nellie, and that mid-season trade got Golden State over the hump, quite an accomplishment.
3) Joe Dumars, Detroit Pistons - Improved the bench and overhauled the offense by adding Webber, all on a limited budget that will allow him to re-sign Chauncey.
4) Carroll Dawson, Houston Rockets - It's a tradition.
5) John Paxson, Chicago Bulls - Wallace signing was OK, I guess, even though Tyson Chandler has been better in the tangible ways. However, just wait until he wins a playoff series and still gets to pick in the lottery just for giving up bad-heart, no-defense Eddy Curry.


Worst Executive of All Time - Isiah Thomas and Charles Dolan, New York Knicks (tie!)

An action shot from the Idiots Convention.

*sigh*

*sigh*

*sigh*

What's even left to write? Isiah, we all know about. Dolan is just about as stupid. How did that contract extension work out, you assholes? Please stop holding my team hostage!


Rookie of the Year - Brandon Roy, Portland Trailblazers

(Insert pun here)

I believe that I was calling this since last June. That's all.

2) Andrea Bargnani, Toronto Raptors
3) Randy Foye, Minnesota Timberwolves
4) Paul Millsap, Utah Jazz
5) Jorge Garbajosa, Toronto Raptors


Sixth Man of the Year - Leandro Barbosa, Phoenix Suns

He keeps his back so straight when he drives...

What a unique scorer. He is a good shooter whose lightning quick, drives with awkward posture, hits a lot more shots than you think he will, and never stops attacking. That's pretty much a perfect bench asset.

2) Jerry Stackhouse, Dallas Mavericks
3) Manu Ginobili, San Antonio Spurs
4) Jamal Crawford, New York Knicks
5) Antonio McDyess, Detroit Pistons


Most Improved Player - Monta Ellis, Golden State Warriors

Best dunker ever among those who weigh 160 lbs.

Monta become a reliable scorer, expanded his game, and was among the most exciting young men to watch.

2) Kevin Martin, Sacramento Kings
3) Deron Williams, Utah Jazz
4) Luol Deng, Chicago Bulls
5) Devin Brown, New Orleand Hornets


Defensive Player of the Year - Shawn Marion, Phoenix Suns

Has he mentioned that they don't run plays for him? It's been at least five minutes.

Controls the boards, defends anywhere on the floor, fouls up passing lanes, and hustles most of the time.

2) Bruce Bowen, San Antonio Spurs
3) Marcus Camby, Denver Nuggets
4) Tyson Chandler, New Orleans Hornets
5) Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs


Most Valuable Player - Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers

"One of the best yet"

Let the debate begin. "Most valuable" is, of course, an ill-defined term. Kobe is my pick because he's the best player, so obviously he is of exceptionally high value in general. He has guided a relatively unathletic and inexperienced team lacking a great point guard to the playoffs, providing greater context for his value. He is a lethal scorer and strong defender. And he would always be trusted to take the last shot in any big game.

2) Tracy McGrady, Houston Rockets - I was so impressed by TMac this year. Beyond numbers and wins, he was a fantastic leader who is always happy to hustle on defense and defer to his teammates unless he's needed, as he was when Yao was out. In response, McGrady elevated his team and got them homecourt advantage against Utah in what should be the best opening-round series in the playoffs. McGrady was quietly sensational this year.
3) Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns - I've come around on Nash. I still think he benefits from the system and gets to play with great players, but it's not fault of his that his coach knows how to use him. Plus, he clearly makes things easier for his teammates, his moxie is off the charts, and he's a wonderful passer. He's had a great year, but I don't think he means more, in general and to his team, than the guys listed above him.
4) Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs - The Spurs just keeping kicking ass thanks to their quiet, dependable leader. People should be cherishing all these years that Duncan has given us. That's a cliche, but there is truly a simple pleasure to be had while watching him operate.
5) Chris Bosh, Toronto Raptors - When Bosh is healthy, he's just about unstoppable, and he has fully embraced the responsibility of leading a youthful team to the third seed in the playoffs. That needs to be recognized.


All-NBA First Team
C - Tim Duncan
F - Chris Bosh
F - Tracy McGrady
G - Kobe Bryant
G - Steve Nash


All-NBA Second Team
C - Yao Ming
F - Dirk Nowitzki
F - LeBron James
G - Gilbert Arenas
G - Dwyane Wade


All-NBA Third Team
C - Mehmet Okur
F - Kevin Garnett
F - Shawn Marion
G - Josh Howard
G - Chauncey Billups


Straight Bangin' Select List**

Straight Bangin's idea of perfection ()

Hall of Fame Members: Scottie Pippen
Coach: Jeff Van Gundy
Also Receiving Votes: Tyrus Thomas, Baron Davis, Chris Paul, Antawn Jamison, Yao Ming, Josh Howard
Dropped Out: Larry Hughes, Charlie Villanueva, Ben Wallace, Chauncey Billups, LeBron James, Manu Ginobili

It was a year of shakeup for the Select List...

10) Antonio McDyess
9) Monta Ellis
8) Gilbert Arenas
7) Dwight Howard
6) Paul Millsap
5) Tim Duncan
4) Kevin Garnett
3) Josh Smith
2) Michael Redd
1) Tracy McGrady

* This award was created at the height of Vince Carter's Bitch Period. Two years ago, he outdid even his usual bitch-ass, always-injured, no-account self and earned this award's naming rights for all of time by playing gutless, immature, selfish basketball in Toronto. No supposed "superstar" quits on his team and sulks his way into a trade; then, after forcing said trade, starts doing his Half-Man-Half-Amazin' thing again instantly and shamelessly; and later admits to tanking! If there is any karma in the universe, Vince will get hurt in the playoffs, cost his team a playoff series, and watch helplessly as his career falls into a Grant Hill-like downward spiral, replete with injury after injury but without the comeback. Vince Carter is still such a sucker-punk asshole--even though he remains an excellent player. I wish that Charles Oakley would come back and pretend that Carter were a money-owing Tyrone Hill or a girl-chasing Jeff McInnis.

** Simply a list of my ten favorite players, most chosen for inexplicable, esoteric, and/or capricious reasons.

All Roads Lead Here

That we don't know what's about to happen makes this a fitting photograph.

You may have already heard about this, but the Dallas Mavericks and the Phoenix Suns were really good this season. You also may have heard that Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash are the two players who most deserve to be recognized as MVP. Surely you've heard that Dallas meeting Phoenix in the playoffs is the only culminating event that will properly validate this season.

And so, in other words, you've heard a lot of bullshit.

This was an odd NBA season. While last year's campaign felt unremarkable and somewhat diffuse having lacked a cohesive narrative that retrospectively helped to organize individual storylines and themes, this year's was wrongly miscast as a Dallas-Phoenix coronation, obscuring too many other actors and actions around the Lig. And it started early on: the two most-discussed topics in the NBA's opening weeks were What Is Wrong with Dallas and What's Happening with Phoenix. As those two ships were righted, the smoothness of the sailing was then glorified. At the all-star break, we took a moment to both recognize the superlative play of the individuals steering the vessels (that Josh Howard is just so...) and to anticipate a looming showdown, one that would reprise recent playoff battles and define the Association. With it clear by the beginning of March that the Mavs and the Suns would enter the playoffs as favorites, only a god-body scoring performance by Kobe Bryant to steal attention away from The Story.

Whereas the culture of college basketball celebrates parity among the best teams, the counterpart culture of the NBA seems to yearn for a monolithic presence. If not a single player then a single team; if not a single team then a single rivalry. For whatever reasons, equilibrium is oftentimes exclusionary.

And that is lamentable, because placing too much emphasis on Dallas and Phoenix, however much those teams deserve the recognition (and don't get it twisted: I am not arguing that either hasn't earned our admiration), neglects NBA realities that enhanced the Lig this season. Even more bizarre is that many of the stories--San Antonio's steady title campaign; Kobe's ascendancy to a place next to Michael's; TMac's evolution; Toronto's renaissance--that have been rendered secondary attractions may very well culminate in the playoffs, the NBA's definitive stage and the long-time vehicle for ultimate definition.

In no other sport do the playoffs serve as such an authoritative arbiter of the truth: when we reflect upon years past, we invariably look toward the enduring images left in May and June. Some of this practice owes to our, sports fans', belief that true accomplishment, and thereby Platonic form, can only be forged in playoff fires. Another component, though, is that while any of 82 games cannot stand out individually in the way that any of 16 might, they don't have to, because best-of-seven playoff series are oftentimes representative microcosms. Really, in our basketball judgment system, the playoffs are left as a theater for both opportunity and consequence. Will the Spurs, heretofore defined by simply not being Dallas or Phoenix, emerge victorious as a retooled championship contender or will San Antonio be diminished in defeat as a team in steady decline? Will Tracy McGrady earn praise for changing his game and leading his team or will he instead hear more rebuke for playoff failure and a greater inadequacy? Will winning a series help Kobe Bryant be recognized as the true Jordan successor or will losing limit Bryant's contemporary legacy to feats of great scoring alone?

Some of these hypotheticals may seem grandiose, but are they really distortions? Think about how media will frame our resulting opinions. For a team like San Antonio the difference is stark. Win and the headline is: Led by the best front office in the Association and the era's greatest player, San Antonio is always in contention. Lose and instead we read: Despite a savvy front office and Tim Duncan, the Spurs window is closing, as they cannot get by Dallas and Phoenix. Quite a difference, and therefore, it's not wrong to approach the playoffs as a dramatic referendum on so many questions. What is wrong, though, is to enter the playoffs insistent that only one of these short-form reality plays--and one that is not even assured of happening--can offer ultimate salvation for the season.

Before the year started, it was widely assumed, and even hoped, that LeBron, Dwyane, and Carmelo would emerge as signature actors in a new era of NBA drama. But as was cautioned, the forecasted revolution will take time. The Cavs were wretched at moments throughout the year and, honestly, aren't much fun to watch. Without a healthy Dwyane Wade, Miami seems like a contender in name only. And for all of the social and cultural factors that might otherwise make Carmelo and Denver engrossing subjects, I don't particularly care for either. Yet these limitations did not impair the NBA this season, for while it may not have followed the assumed schematic, it took a no-less intriguing path. So, too, might these playoffs fail to meet expectations while actually exceeding them. Unquestionably among the best and most entertaining teams, Dallas and Phoenix would likely author a wonderful showdown. But so might Dallas and San Antonio. So might Chicago and Detroit. So might Houston and Utah in the first round alone.

As was the case with the regular season, the playoffs are chockablock with compelling subjects and enticing potential. You just have to know what you're looking for and fuck whatcha heard.

Addendum: Michael Wilbon's column today speaks to some of the Dallas-Phoenix obsession.

This Guy Is a Bulldozer with a Wrecking Ball Attached

Tony for Mayor.

Yeah.

New York, stand up.

Got your boy in the...lineup!

Big news today: Dennis Coles, aka Tony Starks, aka Ironman, aka Ghostface Killah will be the headliner at this summer's 3rd Annual Brooklyn Hip-Hop Festival. Brand Nubian, Big Daddy Kane, Little Brother, Rhymefest--the Hip-Hop Festival always comes correct. And this year it has again outdone itself by getting Starks in the building. The FestivalIt has rapidly emerged as an annual music highlight and must-attend event.

This year's event pops off on June 23rd, and the festival has grown into a five-day affair. For more information, hit up the Brooklyn Bodega. Below, find the press release announcing the good news.

Ghostface to Headline 3rd Annual Brooklyn Hip Hop Festival

The Brooklyn Hip-Hop Festival, taking place over five days in June, is honored to announce Ghostface as its 2007 headliner. The legendary Wu Tang MC goes by many names but whether you are a fan of Tony Starks, Ghost Deini or Pretty Toney, you know Ghost is one of the best yet.

Ghost will be headlining the final day, June 23rd, of the third installment of the Brooklyn Hip-Hop Festival produced by Brooklyn Bodega, The Room Service Group and Seven Heads Entertainment. This year's Festival will return to Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge. Brooklyn Bodega is also pleased to announce that the Festival is expanding park-wide and will include not only the tented Tobacco Warehouse but the entire state park with world class views of The Brooklyn Bridge, the Manhattan Bridge and downtown Manhattan.

"Ghost is simply in his own category. His track record of hits is over 10 years long. He has rocked with everyone from Beyonce to MF Doom. Who else can say that? His versatility and borderless creativity is exactly what the BHF is all about. As we move park-wide we couldn't ask for a better MC at the top of the bill," Festival Chair, Wes Jackson.

Ghostface began his career as a member of one of the most groundbreaking groups of the 90's, the Wu Tang Clan. Born Dennis Coles, he also served as executive producer for the classic Enter The 36 Chambers album as well as other group and solo projects from Method Man and the ODB. In 1996 Ghostface dropped his first solo record, Ironman. He has since emerged as the most consistent member of Wu Tang releasing over six official and unofficial albums and mixtapes. He is currently signed to Def Jam and released two albums, Fish Scaleand More Fish in 2006.

Ghost is one of the few MC's that blurs the line of Hip- Hop's numerous subgenres. He has worked with an impressive array of artists from his Wu Tang brethren and longtime partner Raekwon to crooner Carl Thomas to Jadakiss to Nas to the late J Dilla. His stream of consciousness rhymes are legendary. His lyrics can be as picturesque as The Last Poets and as passionate as a Coltrane solo.

Ghostface joins Consequence, Skillz, and Tanya Morgan on the bill. "Ghost is an excellent addition but we are not done yet," adds Festival Director Alma Geddy-Romero. "In the next few weeks we will be announcing some legendary names from the past as well as some outstanding new artists. Last year we introduced Lupe Fiasco to Brooklyn and brought Big Daddy Kane home. Look for more of the same this year."

The Brooklyn Hip-Hop Festival takes place over five days in June. The 7th, 14th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd.

The first two dates will take place at the powerHouse Arena in DUMBO while the last three will all be held at Empire Fulton Ferry State Park. For more info, including ticketing, visit www.brooklynbodega.com.

The Festival was founded in 2005 and jointly produced by The Room Service Group and The Brooklyn Brewery. That 1st year the Festival was held at the parking lot of the Brewery's warehouse. With the help of Festival co-Chairs Steve Hindy, founder of Brooklyn Brewery and Brewery co-owner Robin Ottaway, the BHF was able to move to its current location. Together The Room Service Group and The Brooklyn Brewery sponsor and produce events in the Hip-Hop community all year round with the Festival serving as the crescendo.

The Room Service Group is a full service agency based in DUMBO, Brooklyn. RSG specializes in new media and experiential marketing and consulting in the Youth/Urban/Hip-Hop space. Clients include Amp'd Mobile, VU Games and Def Jam.

Brooklyn Bodega serves as RSG's creative department and is responsible for the creation and execution of all experiential marketing initiatives. Brooklyn Bodega also maintains a destination site/blog at www.brooklynbodega.com that serves as the official Festival site and year round source of content and editorial.

My Blog Contract Makes Posting This an Imperative

Update: This video was removed because it was fucking up my website. You can find it here. NSFW (foul language).

Quick Links: "I Am a Look"

- This is too funny. I can't wait until we get the inline skating companion to this seminal video. Dip Skate Night Skaters all day!

- Tommy Thompson gets his Micheal Ray Richardson on as he boasts about how he, like Jews, gets moneeeeeey. Were Thompson not a complete joke, I'd imagine that people would be particularly riled up about this, although his clumsy praise is no different than what MRR said. To me, the only (key) distinction is that Thompson is generally evil, whereas MRR is ultimately neutral in his impact.

- Peep game: Henry's new grind Street Census

- If anyone other than Peter Jackson has the temerity to make a Hobbit movie, there will be kufis slapped off and bunions stepped upon.

Virginia Tech Open Thread

I don't know that I have much to say about such a horrible, shocking tragedy, but I wanted to acknowledge it because the Virginia Tech community is in my thoughts.

My only other reaction is that guns shouldn't be so easily obtained in this country.

Music for a Monday Project: What Are the 25 Greatest Hip-Hop Albums of All Time?

If anyone nominates a G-Unit record, your IP address will be blocked.

I know, I know. You're rolling your eyes; you're thinking mean things about me and this internet. Another one of these stupid internets gimmicks? I get it. This kind of project can be contrived and boring and self-involved and all that. They've been done before. Again, I know. But indulge me for a moment.

Last year, amidst a flurry of emails back and forth lamenting the current state of music criticism and the unfortunate circumstances that have given rise to all kinds of would-be taste-makers who glorify some of the worst rap music, some friends and I thought that collaborating on a top-25 albums project would not only prove to be cathartic but might also give voice to rap fans with a certain taste not common to those who would have you believe that Young Jeezy is that crack. It sounded simple enough, of course, but it never got off the ground. Over time, it also started to seem a little silly to me: the list would have plenty of Wu-Tang records, some Tribe, maybe some MF Doom, Illmatic, The Infamous, Ready to Die, and an assortment of other stuff that anyone who reads these sites would likely see coming. There is merit in such a list, of course, not least of all because my prospective collaborators write about music so well and would likely crystallize the enduring appeal of many cherished albums in a truly resonant manner. However, there would be greater merit in a more inclusive list, one compiled by a larger chorus of voices.

And that's where we're at now. We being me. I'd like to hear from everyone.

Over time, as I've made Straight Bangin' into the fledgling cultural force that is the envy of bloggers that hope to one day reach a few hundred readers, I've gotten to "know" (not biblically) so many articulate rap fans with similar interests and tastes. I've also gotten to know those with markedly different preferences but a shared passion for the music and for the dialogue it inspires. A commonality among us seems to be that few ever feel fully satisfied with the supposedly definitive lists that TV stations and magazines and newspapers and mainstream websites produce. So now might be a chance to try something different.

I'd like to see if we can't create an internets top-25 rap albums list. I would use a simple weighted scoring system to rank the records. Albums placed at #1 would receive 25 points; those at #25 would get 1 point. I'd take the mean average of each nominated record and divide it by total votes received. The records that received the 25 highest vote totals would get slotted onto the list in order of average points, from most to fewest.

This will require some effort--accurately and deliberately conjuring 25 albums takes time. If you like this idea and have a blog, please post your list. Explain your choices, don't explain your choices--do as you wish. Just let me know of the link. If you don't have a blog, shoot me an email: straight.bangin@gmail.com. If you can't think of 25, list however many you can. Post nominations in the comments section here if you'd like. By next week at this time, I'll round up early responses and see where we are. If no one wants to participate, I'll just list mine and then cry in a corner somewhere in my apartment.

What do you think?

Update 1: The responses have begun to roll in, and I appreciate the feedback so far. Please keep it coming if you want to participate. The more, the better. Literally--it will make the results far more interesting.

Update 2: Some friends raised a good point--"greatest" is an ill-defined term, and it may not even be the appropriate word. So, please give me your 25 most favorite albums, as that may make things easier for some, and remove any supposed obligatory inclusions. For instance, you need not feel compelled to include something by Public Enemy just because you think that you're supposed to.

Did a Michigan Alumnus Piss in Jay Bilas's Cornflakes?

If only Tommy Amaker could have gotten some more calls.

N.B: Internets friends, this will be an odd week on Straight Bangin', There is an NBA season to wrap up; an NBA playoffs to froth over; a Michigan spring football to review (and use as a platform for Lloyd Carr-bashing); and who knows what else amidst the usual array of hip-hop hateration, race-conscious rambling, interneting, and political indignation. Unfortunately, there are also dinners, LSAT classes, drinks, work. I guess the point is that the week will be sports heavy and (hopefully) passionately written, but perhaps at odd intervals. For now, we'll start with an attempted decapitation of Jay Bilas.

The consensus concerning new Michigan basketball coach John Beilein appears to be that hiring him was a smart decision. Local high-school coaches say that he's made a strong first impression, people who knew him loved his work, and the general picture painted is of a basketball savant who will work tirelessly and ethically. Most of the Michigan alumni and fans with whom I've spoken are very pleased. Some, like me, are outright excited about a better future. If nothing else, it will be thrilling and refreshing to root for a team that knows what it's supposed to be doing.

But not everyone feels that way. Some are far more skeptical, and even nasty, when assessing Michigan's potential for basketball triumph. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Jay Bilas:

Is John Beilein the right choice for Michigan? John is a guy I've been watching since he was at Canisius (1992-97). I think he's an outstanding coach. I've been an admirer of his for a long time. I thought Tommy Amaker was a good fit, but because they decided to make a change, I think John is a fabulous choice. Tommy put (the program) in really solid footing, and I think Michigan owes him a debt of gratitude for doing that. Fortunately John is taking over a solid program that has some infrastructure.

Michigan athletic director Bill Martin said he tells his coaches that their job is to be always knocking on the door of a Big Ten championship every year and knocking on the door of a national championship every few years. Is Beilein capable of those standards? They haven't been doing a lot of knocking the last 40 years. Before Amaker got there, all they were known for was cheating. I think that (statement) ignores the practical reality. ... John is as capable of a coach as Michigan can find. Unless there is a top commitment, then I think it will be a Herculean task. Down the road at Michigan State, (its facilities) are not just better, they're 10 times better. That is a huge hurdle to overcome. ... What excuses does Michigan have for other teams in the Big Ten having better facilities? You're asking a program to knock on the door without the resources.

Beilein hasn't had some of the top recruits in the past. How important do you think it is to be a good recruiter? No coach wins without good talent. John had good talent at West Virginia. Mike Gansey, Kevin Pittsnogle, even his son, Patrick, were good players. When Michigan had the Fab Five, they cheated. Everybody knew it. All you had to do was look in the parking lot. ... John has gotten good players, and you can't win without them.

How will John Beilein be able to recruit in Michigan and what do you think are the keys to successful recruiting? I don't know. John has not been at a program quite like Michigan. Michigan hasn't been a spot he has recruited in the past. Michigan is a great school and in a great conference so that is a good selling point. If a kid like Alex Legion stays, they'll be in good shape. Between coach, conference and university you have three good ones all in Michigan's favor.

(Questions came bolded; italicized emphasis is all me.)

So first off, fuck you, too, Jay. Second, Bilas and Amaker were in the same heralded, landmark Duke recruiting class, and they worked together as assistants, so it's hard to not assume that some of Bilas's vitriol is informed by whatever loyalty and compassion he feels for Amaker. And it's not as though he said the University of Michigan should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I get that. But still, "known for cheating"? That's pretty bushleague.

Beyond all that, third, this is just another instance when the lazy, overwrought conventions of sports journalism are unleashed upon the public with deleterious effect. What actual insight did a purported expert, Jay Bilas, offer during this interview? None. I feel stupider having read it. It was a bunch of tired talking points and worthless generalities. Not a single person who knows even a little bit about college basketball could have learned anything from this piece. All anyone who observes the program from an arm's length ever says about Michigan basketball is that Michigan is Michigan; the whole Ed Martin thing was bad; the school needs better facilities. A ten-year-old in Birmingham or Holland or Novi or anywhere else in Michigan who's read about Wolverine basketball in the Free Press even once in the past few years could have given this interview, minus the sniveling Duke-fraternity tinge.

The thing is, Bilas knows this. He knows that he doesn't have anything new to offer about this topic. And, he knows that absent a sustained scrutiny of Michigan hoops--something that you might fairly expect of someone paid to watch basketball, especially that played in the "power conferences," but nevertheless is not a reality since ESPN asks its on-air "analysts" to regurgitate the same ten ideas over and over until they're forced to entertain a new collective thought--he should do as his colleagues throughout the realm of sports punditry are instructed: pick an opinion; defend it as though it's the Matrix of Leadership, even if "facts" get in its way; and bludgeon your audience with this predetermined stance so that they hesitate to question you. After all, you're an expert; it says it underneath your name when those on-screen graphics pop up.

To be fair to Bilas, he's usually perceptive when the scope of discussion is narrowed down to a single game that he can closely follow (witness his work for CBS during the Tournament or the ideas he volunteers at halftime of ESPN games). He is also willing to admit that he's wrong at times, and he even goes so far as to criticize some of the less-informed media-championed myths when they clearly contravene both an ineffable sense of what's right and when public sentiment has signaled that such criticism will find a receptive audience. Kirk Herbstreit plays a similar role in the world of college football, the "maverick" among the firmly entrenched establishment who actually has some intelligence and doesn't always need cue cards. But like Bilas, he also has plenty of moments when he needlessly or wrongly digs in his heels because that's what he thinks/has been told he's supposed to do. Just visit Gunslinger Headquarters during the fall for proof. ESPN is sort of like a disease.

That Bilas can be smart about his subjects makes this interview all the more frustrating, because that wasn't the case here. In this instance, Bilas was asked to fulfill the expectations projected upon someone with his public persona, and he responded not by doing some homework but by drudging up the usual talking points and then accenting them with a obfuscatory air of authority by trafficking in inaccurate extremes.

He starts off horribly. His answer to the first question is saturated with resentment as he offers just conditional praise of Beilein because, as he makes clear, he didn't even believe that a coaching change was required. Boo-fucking-hoo. All this answer offers is the obvious sense that Bilas may use this interview to defend his friend and take some shots at Michigan. Which he does. Though the Fab Five's legacy has been tarnished, and technically deleted, those five freshmen and the era that fomented around them remain cultural touchstones in basketball circles. The Fab Five is what you think about when you think of Michigan basketball. You might also think about the much-ballyhooed Cazzie Russell era when Michigan was a national power and Russell's battles with Bill Bradley helped to define both men. So to say that before Amaker arrived, all Michigan was known for was cheating sounds petty and is perhaps tantamount to a purposeful distortion. Cheating is a sad, prominent part of the story, but surely not its first sentence.

Similarly sad is that Bilas would say that Michigan hasn't done much knocking on the doors of Big Ten and national relevancy for for years. That's forty years, dating back to 1967. I guess that a #1 ranking and title-game appearance in 1976; a 1989 national title; Final Fours in 1992 and 1993; a Big Ten title in 1998; and a steady stream of NBA players through the end of the last decade don't count. No one will hear me argue that Michigan has truly mattered in about a decade. Nor will I contend that it is on par with a basketball school like UCLA or North Carolina. But to say that there hasn't been much knocking in forty years? That just seems lazy and snarky.

Did Michigan engage in illegal activity? Yes. Has it struggled recently? Yes. That's truthful and fair game. However, is the school otherwise devoid of notable basketball history? No. Did the last coach squander a six-year window to even just make the NCAA Tournament? Yes. That's also truthful and fair game. And that's why, having come to expect more from Jay Bilas, this interview was so absurd. Worse, it wasn't even funny, one of the few redeeming things that would have come of Digger Phelps ineptly fielding these questions instead.

Respect.

When the Inmates Run the Asylum, This Is What Happens

Uh-uh, he don't need a girlfriend.

As has been well-established by O.J. Mayo, Tim Floyd doesn't call the shots at USC. Neither does Pete Carroll, apparently. The players run things at Southern Cal, and the "school" is proud to boast that it's a haven for superstars as they sort out the latter stages of their adolescences and then go pro, either as athletes or losers or whatever else guys who max out in college go into. That USC even continues the charade that it cares about educating its revenue-generating athletes is admirable; other schools, like the Ohio State Joke of a University, don't seem to. Buckeyes are just proud that their "student athletes" make it through five-credit courses like History of Rock and Roll or put in extra "classroom" time over the summer taking golf and AIDS awareness (for which the final exam is a one-question retrospective: Is it good to get AIDS?). And, I can only imagine that the faculty and the non-celebrity students at Southern Cal are thrilled to be at a place with such proper priorities.

I mention all of this because on Friday, a basketball team that had already become a quasi-circus thanks to the superstar recruit who's "handling" things like recruiting while periodically finding the time to call his coach became even more bizarre when it signed Romeo Miller. You may know him as Lil' Romeo. Yes, that Lil' Romeo. Is going to USC. On a basketball scholarship.

From what I can tell, Romeo is a decent enough basketball player. The article from Fox says he held his own at the ABCD camp. But come on, even if he can play, this is what USC is doing? The Trojans need this like the Knicks need to give Jerome James a max extension. And why would USC subject the other players to the taunting that will come with Romeo? I mean, it's as though the Trojan athletic department is sending out emails to the students of the Pac-10 suggesting insults and mockery. Did Tim Floyd watch Romeo's videos or read his lyrics before he accepted this pledge? He wants this showing up to run the point?



"Call me a pretty boy"? "Crown me the greatest"? Yeah, that won't get annoying. And what happens when they show this at Pauley throughout entire games?


It's wrong for me to seem outraged, though. I mostly love this. It's the kind of ridiculous situation that a blogger dreams of. Only Cam'ron would think that this sort of thing was normal, and I suppose that would make him a good candidate to succeed Mike Garrett as USC's athletic director at some point. Really, the only sad part, at least for me, of this entire thing is that Romeo won't be on campus until the fall of 2008. By then, O.J. Mayo will be in the NBA. Otherwise, they could have made beautiful music together. Literally.

"Hey, I Saw You Checkin' Out My Goods"

It stands for "Do not...uh...in, uh, my pool...ass man"

Well, the day has arrived. As Carl would say, this is frickin' bad-ass!

After countless months of wondering when the genius that brought us a milkshake asking a drunken alien frat brother, "Hey Skeeter, did you score last night?" would make its way to a movie house in the form of a full-length feature film, those long, torturous, uncertain days of confusion have come to an end. It's as though the burning bush of capitalism on the Mount Horeb of opportunity finally sent forth a contemporary Moses and Aaron in the form of Dave Willis and Matt Maiellaro with instructions to deliver us, an adoring public with a keen sense of the absurd, from the oppressive bondage of paltry new Aqua Teen Hunger Force material. Today, we flee the mud pits, not stopping to let our bread rise, and rejoice in the desert, engaging in a righteous idolatry befitting fat Jersey Shore low-lives and anthropomorphic milkshakes, meatballs, and servings of french fries.

All hail Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters:



With the film's release today, it seemed only appropriate to honor the event with a collection of memorable links, audio, and video that should help prepare Straight Bangin' readers for a movie experience that will likely appeal to the hardcore fans, those who love smoking drugs, and people open to bizarre humor. Everyone else may want to save their money for the next most anticipated film based on a television show, Medellin.

Links
- ATHF episode guide

- Carl soundboard

- Master Shake soundboard

Audio
- "Where you at, Dog?"

- "I couldn't help but notice we made eye contact"

- "I wanna rock your body"

- "Is that from the '83 tour?"

- "Get back there-o and cash-o the check-o, amigo"

Video
- Clickity

eCard
- Clickity (NSFW)

Stop It. Stop Whining.

For the record: this is the second time this season that the Knicks wanted to get gully because they thought another team was running up the score (which the Bulls were). And like the last time, it came on the heels of a pathetic effort.

Even sadder, though, than the going-nowhere Knicks losing yet another game for their beloved coach whose extension they were so intent on securing is that fights over free hamburgers is what the Knicks-Bulls rivalry has devolved into. And heading into the playoffs, no less. That's just horrible.

What ever happened to the good old days, when the Knicks were good enough to make the losing mean so much? Days like this...

I'm Busy. Read This Instead.

- I don't know if an album of unreleased, remixed, and a few new tracks can really be considered a new release, but the new OC joint Hidden Gems is my shit. Of course. And dude is criminally underrated. Spine caught a good interview with the man.

- Vik drops political knowledge. I always agree with what this guy has to say about our country and its government.

- Your boy Lance has an ill sports podcast series that you can catch on Whatcha Talkin Bout. Really good stuff there. And a great voice for radio. Now on the blogroll...

- Peep game: nerditry. So much promise here. Hip-hop, basketball, culture, life. A welcomed addition to the blogosphere. Now on the blogroll...

- In case you're keeping track, this motherfucker might as well start making campaign appearances on sinking ships. First he has the gall to call Iraq safe as he parades around with a moron and an entire battalion watching his back, and then he sticks up for Don Imus, a known racist and chairman of his own board of spineless media and political blowhards. What a week, John.

An Addition to the Semiotics of Judaism in Hip-Hop

50 performing at a Jew Unit bat mitzvah. For real.

And this time, it's not even Jim Jones and the Dips.

Last week, on Hot 97, 50 cent said the following:

50 Cent called into "Miss Jones in the Morning" on Hot 97 yesterday and said the 29-year-old Yayo's troubles won't hurt his crew.

But then he added, "Worry about the Je-Je-Je-Jew unit. They're the real goon squad. When the lawyers come out, you'll see what it is. I don't pay nobody. I only pay the lawyers."

A page from the the Micheal Ray rhyme book. J-J-J-J-J-J-Jew U-nit!

I swear, we're about ten minutes away from some dumb-ass label signing a Jewish rapper and calling him "Da Lawyer." He'd have a crew called the Get Paper Guild; his imprint would be Kosher Lawyer Records; his first album would be called Torah Service; he'd have guests on his mixtapes with names like Shabbas Goy; and he'd drop lines like "We roll deep/In the lineup, every batter's paid/Grind six days a week/Don't rhyme on Saturdays." And no one in the industry would have a problem with it.

Unbelievable.

(HT: The People's Champ)

Music for a Monday on a Tuesday: Mixtapin' It

Classic

Whether you were in grade school, high school, college--at some point, you knew a "mixtape" to be a reel of plastic, housed by more plastic, that contained an amateur's compendium of songs. Usually there was a cohesive theme, whether it was a specific event (1995 Roadtrip, Whoo!), a certain artist (Whatchu Know About Kane?), an intended emotion (Chill Mix), or a prescribed function (The Bone-Down Mix). It was always something. And hopefully, there was some thought put into it, as that gave the tape unique value beyond whatever was innately contained by the music. Maybe 15 songs with the word "purple" were not incredibly significant, but the fact that someone took the time to find them, sequence them, and given them to you? That certainly was.

When I was younger, I started making mixtapes for middle-school birthday parties. In the 7th and 8th grades, that was one of my defining things: I played basketball; I watched sports; I read the newspaper; I hated this one girl named Ali; and I brought the hot music for your party. It made sense because I was really into music, especially rap and R&B. I was the guy who knew all the words to Doggystyle; I was the guy who would dramatically sing along to Silk's "Freak Me" during lunch if you brought it up; and I was the guy who wanted to go straight home if there was nothing else to do because Rap City would be on, and I had to critique the videos and hear the freestyles.

My tapes were strong pieces of work, not least of all because I really invested my time in them. Equipped with a bright yellow Sony boom box that I'd gotten from an uncle and a new stereo system in the living room that my parents had bought, I would spend hours upon hours scouring the radio as I did my homework, going through CDs, picking out songs, making sure that the sound quality was as good as could be, synching up CDs with the tape decks so that there was just the right amount of time between songs, ensuring that nothing ever got cut off at the end of a side, and thinking of sequences. The birthday girl's favorite track was that one by H-Town? That would be the final slow dance. People were really into Positive K? That had to be on the first tape (you know there were more than one for the longer parties, and just in case...). Snoop had two songs out? Those couldn't go back-to-back. Sometimes, there was so much music to share that I made three and four 120-minute tapes per party, always leaving them behind as a gift and a business card. One other ironclad rule was that the up-tempo interludes between slow songs couldn't take too long because we were at an age when social cache was tethered to the dynamics of slow dancing--who you danced with, how many times, how you danced--and we needed ample opportunity to sort everything out.

As I got a little older, tape making took on more nuances. I started making mixes for myself because too many albums had too much filler and I wanted an uninterrupted stream of my favorite music. Sometimes, I'd make mixes that were artist- or genre-specific as a means of educating myself and other listeners. My sister was old enough to start learning the lessons I insisted on dispensing, so I began sending her off to camp every summer with 240 minutes of my favorite rap and soul and instructions that she was to internalize it. (That series of tapes--the annual capstone to a school year's worth of material--was called "Rappenin's What's Happenin'," an educational project that is still updated annually if not more frequently.) I would want my friends and girlfriends to better understand what I was into, so I'd try to force remediation tapes upon them, too. One girlfriend was going to see Dave Matthews in concert, something I did not and will not do, but was getting the Roots as an opener and needed some exposure to their catalogue. To whom do you think she was able to turn?

It's been the same way ever since. That I am obsessive about my interests and travel in social circles where shared values are cohesive elements but many of my quirks, including my musical taste, are isolating has only reinforced my identity as a source. Mixtapes have served so many of my purposes. I've used them to win points with my landlord; share new tastes with friends; get people ready for concerts we've seen; initiate relationships with coworkers; create meaningful presents that go beyond generics like gift cards; attempt to win over a girl (unsuccessfully, I should note). Rappenin' keeps happenin' so Rappenin's What's Happenin' goes on.

The contemporary commercial notion of a mixtape offers a complicated variation on this cherished tradition. It's already been observed, but it is no less resonant now: the mixtape has changed. A lot. In a media age that has seen the internets shorten news cycles, allow for instantaneous communication, and provide audiences with direct access to artists, the mixtape has become a vehicle that can help fill the gaping voids left in between official album releases that are still adherent to an old-world, antiquated business model. At the same time, though, the glut of mixtape releases--there really aren't many "unreleased" songs any more since artists use outtakes and weaker material to populate $5 Canal Street specials--has inundated the market with stop-gap music that is usually poorly organized and hastily thought out. Oddly enough, this, too, has created a void in the marketplace, a niche that smarter artists fill with mixtapes reminiscent of the sort you'd make for a seventh-grade party or those that capitalize upon an audience's yearning for more of the album-quality stuff.

The Game's latest tape, You Know What It Is, Vol. 4, is an object lesson for any curriculum addressing the new-era mixtape. Filled with second-rate original beats, rehearsed "freestyles," new verses spit over favorite production used by other rappers, loose remixes, and, of course, topical beef-fueling rants, it is emblematic of the trend that has seen rapping become a 365-day-a-year job. Those are the elements of a modern-day mix, no? Fuck, making mixtapes is such an enormous and formulaic preoccupation that there are countless rappers whose entire careers are all but fully chronicled by the CDs that come in slim jewel cases with made-at-home covers.

On You Know What It Is, Game claps back at his enemies, drops punch lines and observations about contemporary hip-hop happenings, and, in effect, extends his rap brand by pumping out ever more of those characteristic verses comprising self-aggrandizing historical allusions, deft word play, and bittersweet remembrances. I've written this before, and it remains true: no other rapper is so narrowly defined while simultaneously so deeply complicated. And that's not meant as praise; it is intended to be descriptive. You always know what you're going to hear from the Game; his predictability is comical and frustrating. And yet you also can't ever easily dismiss him because there is usually more than you'd want to admit going on beneath the surface or easily heard crashing in to itself. Overall, he again comes off as an entertaining, oddly honest fool.

And this also must be said: it is downright embarrassing that he uses a whole song to respond to a crappy 30-second rap by a video chick. It sort of belies the intended notion that she means nothing to him. So, too, is it embarrassing that he runs with such a weak-rhyming crew. I mean, what is that?

- The Game ft. Ya Boy, K-Dot, Jay-Rock, Dubb, Topic, and Eastwood, "Cali N***az"

At the other end of the spectrum, closer to the childhood romanticism of the mixtape, is Spam Filters, a new joint from internets star A to the L of Altrap.com and Count Bass D. Spam Filters is a classic, throwback mixtape, expertly sequenced and meant to showcase forgotten gems and new joints from emerging talent that has been discovered trough Count Bass D's message boards. A collage that unites Jay Dee, Pete Rock, Akinyele, and Queen Latifah with lesser-known acts like Free Speech and Ro Blvd, Filters is one of the most easily enjoyed mixtapes I've heard in years. Mostly mid-tempo beats driven by soul and jazz samples, the 36 tracks seamlessly flow into each other, and you could bump Filters at home, in your car, at work, or on your headphones as you walk along. Most of the rhyming on Spam Filters is what you might expect from "the underground"--a lot of self-aware career assessments, political-minded real talk, arms-length hip-hop observations, childhood reflection, clever punch lines, and wordplay for its own sake. A cynic might take that to mean that the lyrics are obnoxiously trite, but that would be too unkind and neglect the engaging nature of the music. While some of the styles may appear generic, it may be more accurate to judge Spam Filters to be filled with deft execution of familiar hip-hop modes.

To be less technical, A to the L's tape should be lauded for the classic hip-hop mood it creates. Efforts to recreate the past can oftentimes come off as painfully awkward. But driven by quality music, this shit successfully takes you back to the mid-90s. In fact, there are these rewarding moments when this record channels the best energy of New York from way back when it was running things and showcasing a range of hip-hop talents.

You can buy Spam Filters here, and at just $8, it's a bargain.

- Count Bass D, "Sandwiches (Kenny Dope Remix)"
- Down South, "Southern Comfort"
- Free Speech and Ro Blvd, "I Wish"

Somewhere in between the vanguard style of You Know What It Is and the blissfully old-school Spam Filters is Living in Harmony, a mixtape follow up to Clean Guns' strong Sometimes There Is Trouble. Combining the traditional mixtape sensibilities that argue for thoughtful sequencing and song selection with the contemporary focus on providing fans with more content and a different angle from which they can come to better know favorite artists, Living in Harmony is a third-way sort of tape that takes familiar beats and pairs them with the dense, vicious rhyming that immediately jumps out as the defining Clean Guns asset. And just as was the case upon hearing STIT, listening to Harmony will make you realize that you'll need to pay attention to the Guns. Having smartly chosen a collection of beats that generally exude energy, MCs Knowledge Don and Zilla Rocca attack each soundscape with their intricate rhymes. Almost too technically focused, they both obviously revel in assonance, simile, and squeezing the most language possible out of every bar. It makes for a rewarding listen as you pick your way through the layers of their verses, although there are few breaks afforded, and that can be taxing at times. Having demonstrated their lyrical bona fides on STIT and Harmony, the next step for Clean Guns is to make sure that the intensity of the rhyming does not ultimately negate the intended effect. Black Thought of the Roots encounters this difficulty at times, as well: if you bombard an audience with too much, it may ultimately retain too little.

- Clean Guns, "Clean Guns Dialogue"
- Clean Guns ft. So-S@Y, "Where It Started At"

I Guess He Got Tired of Blowing Things up in Someone Else's Backyard

When is the knife throwing demonstration?

This story defies comment. Just read it. Then, if you're an American, hang your head in shame because this man runs the world and it's because of you. Nice work.

Hip-Hop Blog Post of the Year

There are certain blog posts that will forever be enshrined in internets lore. Here's one excellent example.

Yesterday, Oh Word posted another one, ending any concerns about the hip-hop blog post of the year and likely leaving an indelible interwebs mark. I bow down in appreciation and admiration:

Cam'ron's Rhyme Book

"What the Hell Happened?"

Even the personification of perfection fails. Sometimes.

Here's a testament to Tiger Woods's singular place in American sports culture: as he stood over his second shot on the par-five 13th today, I was sitting on my couch with a sense of dread, convinced that by trying to get the ball to the green in two, he would put the ball in the water. But then he flew the ball to the green and it agonizingly hung up on a ridge too far toward the back of the putting surface before rolling back and stopping about ten feet from the hole. I couldn't help myself--I screamed out with excitement. Three times. The enormity of the moment, the realization that he could eagle 13 and be within two shots of the lead with a par-five and four more holes to go, was too much. I jumped up with a delicious anxiety. He was on the precipice of something awesome.

As he walked toward the green and measured his putt for what felt like an hour, I was pacing back and forth in front of my television. He was four strokes behind Masters leader Zach Johnson; he had been playing like shit all week; his swing was so shaky on Sunday that there wasn't one moment when I trusted that he would land a ball where he wanted to; and he was about to functionally end the Tournament. It was amazing.

I don't get that way unless Michigan is playing football and the game is in doubt. It just doesn't happen. I don't commonly delight in the dramatic unknown as I watch sports, for all manner of reasons. How often is something really unknown? How often is the competition and uncertainty so enjoyable that it outweighs the comfort that comes with the preferred outcome? How often am I really that invested? Only one man has that sort of influence, and it's why I can't help but eat up all things Tiger. He's just so compelling, a figure made all that more engaging given the unique nature of his sport and his unique place within both its contemporary landscape and historical framework.

Another testament to his greatness is that in the wake of his failures, there is usually a void of logic that demands to be filled. It is nearly incomprehensible when Tiger Woods doesn't win on a Sunday when he's in contention. Especially at a major. How did that happen? At this year's Masters, he just never seemed comfortable. Every shot required more mental energy than it should have, and nothing came easily. He was off, and not even his Herculean efforts could overcome the ineffable forces repelling him. The paradox of Woods is that for all of his preternatural ability, he is ultimately the game's best grinder, it's hardest worker. If the first act of his career was marked by the ease with which he revolutionized his sport, this second act has been a study in maintaining power now that the paradigm has shifted. It's hard, hard work staying so far ahead of the field when it's equipment and training and ability has changed to mimic yours. Sunday was a bad day from a bad week at the office. And, of course, he still had a lead on the front nine and was only down two strokes as he stood over a birdie putt on 16.

He didn't convert that putt, 17 was an adventure, and no miracle came on 18. So Woods left Augusta without another green jacket. But just as was the case last year--when his 33 Sunday putts doomed his effort and allowed someone else to win with what, for Woods, would have been the routine but for an opponent was defining--this year, Tiger's failure emerges as a secondary story only nominally. For as great as everyone feels about Zach Johnson, that even the most cynical are helplessly moved to anxious living room ambling is just one more measure of how much Tiger Woods means and how great he remains.

As Red Hot Lover Tone once said, "It's hard bein' the number one player." And, sometimes, even harder being his number one fan.

Change Gon' Come

By merely owning a tie, he's already an improvement.

While it is nearly sacrilegious to point this out, I need to say it anyway: the Fab Five never won shit. Didn't win the Big Ten; didn't win the national title. Even worse, they never won the Big Ten because they weren't well coached, and they squandered a talent advantage when they'd play a better-coached team. A team like Indiana.

Those UM-Indiana games used to be tense, enthralling affairs that a Michigan fan would feel really bad about if the Wolverines lost. No fan ever wants to see his team lose, of course, but there are degrees of losing, and those Indiana games really hurt. They hurt because while Indiana had talent and pros--don't forget that--Michigan had a five-man sensation that could shoot, score inside, rebound, run the floor, block shots, and move on defense. The guys loved playing with each other, and it was palpable. Sadly, in crucial moments, they just never seemed to play with the cohesive game plan or the tactical execution equal to their talent. It was more about the 100% dunk offense. Indiana, meanwhile, was far more disciplined, with its athletes not only physically gifted but better organized. Steve Fisher has never won any awards for basketball acumen, and the Fab Five games against Indiana were proof. I guess there's a reason that Bobby Knight is Bobby Knight.

But ignoring the larger cultural influence of the Fab Five--you know, the impact of freshman; the baggy shorts and black socks; the fearless, brash attitude--Fisher's teams were perhaps primarily emblematic of a perpetual Michigan basketball shortcoming: insufficient coaching. You'd watch those teams and you'd wonder why five smart, talented players couldn't get a good shot more easily. You'd be curious about what they were doing in practice since they didn't seem to correct recurring errors as the year went along.

These issues persisted when Brian Ellerbe and Tommy Amaker were each hired later on, only things got much worse. Whereas Fisher recruited elite players whose gifts and innate basketball smarts enabled them to succeed in spite of the bad coaching they received and still go on to professional careers, Ellerbe and Amaker were even worse tacticians who couldn't recruit. Presiding over the results of the Ed Martin/Steve Fisher/Chris Webber scandal obviously impaired the program and recruiting efforts, but even once those allegations were gone, the recruits didn't come, the basketball skills were deficient, and the wins were too few. Working on top of a foundation crumbling under the weight of an inherited scandal, Ellerbe and Amaker accelerated the decline of Michigan basketball by failing to teach basketball fundamentals, to implement systems at either end of the floor, to instill the necessary level of discipline, and to recruit players needed to compete. A student from 1999-2003, I saw the four worst years in the modern history of Michigan basketball, and little changed on the court once I left school. Michigan is indebted to Amaker for "cleaning up" off the court, but giving him six seasons without an NCAA Tournament berth was more than a fair price.

Really, for a school that's won a national title, been to five additional Final Fours, and produced a steady stream of NBA players (Cazzie Russell, Rudy Tomjanovich, Roy Tarpley, Glen Rice, Terry Mills, Chris Webber, Jalen Rose, Maceo Baston, Maurice Taylor, Robert Traylor, Jamal Crawford, etc.), the recent state of Michigan basketball was deplorable. With a true basketball heritage, a leading academic environment, and a marketable brand name, Michigan should have been demanding more. Yes, Michigan is a "football school," but as we've seen at Florida, Texas, and Ohio State, among several other places, that idea is increasingly antiquated. Having failed to hire god-body coach Rick Pitino when it had the chance (instead picking Amaker--that was brilliant), Michigan was running the risk of falling into relative basketball obsolescence, as it was saddled with a nice guy who couldn't beat good teams, couldn't teach basketball fundamentals, and couldn't develop his players. But then it fired Amaker and hired a guy who not only will meet Michigan's ethical standards and complement the school's rich academic culture, but also will win games.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the savior of Michigan basketball: John Beilein.

So "savior" is a little too strong (and perhaps too optimistic), but in Beilein, Michigan is getting a coach who has won at every level where he's coached; is universally hailed by his peers as a wonderful tactician and teacher; came within a fluke three of taking a limited West Virginia club to the Final Four; and will likely do many of the basketball things needed to win. In my own unscientific estimation, I've always said that there are five hallmarks of well-coached college basketball teams:

1) they hit their free throws;
2) they rotate on defense;
3) they understand how to get a good shot within the structure of their offense;
4) they box out; and
5) they are well prepared for end-of-game and other special situations.

From what I've seen of Beilein's teams at West Virginia, he is a guy who knows how to meet these criteria. But meeting the criteria is not a goal in and of itself. Rather, I think that when a team demonstrates these characteristics, it's indicative of the program's culture. Free-throw shooting is a measure of discipline, practice, and concentration; rotating on defense is a measure of teamwork, communication, and organization, as players need to understad where they and their teammates are supposed to be; ditto for executing on offense; boxing out is a basketball fundamental that needs to be taught and practiced and is also aided by intensity; and preparation demonstrates that practices are structured and that the coaches and players are aware of what's happening. Under Amaker, Michigan was falling short in too many of these areas, and it doesn't sound like that will be a similar experience under Beilein. There are no assurance, of course, but the dude knows basketball.

The primary criticisms I've read of Beilein relate to recruiting. Some have said that he will not work at it hard enough; that his absence of Midwest ties will hurt him in the region; that his track record at West Virginia was inauspicious. Others, including some prominent members of the Detroit media, have infuriatingly said that he will not have a good relationship with "Detroit and Flint," a euphemism meant to say that: 1) Beilein is not black and will not be able to get black players; 2) Beilein will not work well with AAU coaches. I disagree. For a number of reasons. First, while it may be true that some people--black, white, Indian, whatever--prefer to be with and play for a coach of their own ethnicity, the ultimate currency in basketball is winning. If Beilein wins, he will get the players he needs. That's how it works all over the country, for black and white coaches. I'm also not sure if the race assertion is fair to black players and parents who, I think we can assume, want the best--education, coaching, winning, exposure, NBA prep--for themselves and their children just as badly as whites do. Look at O.J. Mayo. Of course, it's ridiculous that USC, allegedly a school, markets itself as an academy for aspiring media superstars, but that's not Mayo's fault, and to his credit, he decided upon what he wanted and then went out and found it. Kids are smart enough to assess their options. At North Carolina and Duke and UCLA, black kids sign up to play for white coaches because the coaches are decent humans who know basketball, can put kids in the NBA, and work for institutions that present real academic opportunities (which players may or may not want to pursue). I don't know why Beilein would be any different. Again, I get that race may factor into the decisions of some recruits, but it won't determine the outcome for all. And let's not forget that Tommy Amaker, a young and likable black man, had his ass handed to him in recruiting.

Second, the AAU system around the country is notoriously corrupt, and if the insinuation is that Beilein will wrongly refuse to break rules, that's pathetic. He shouldn't and shouldn't have to. Does illicit activity take place? Yes. Does it happen in Southeast Michigan? Yes. Does it mean that all people break the rules? No. Maybe that's naive, but I have a hard time believing that a coach who wins at Michigan, with players from the state, will fail to make connections. There are surely some nefarious types who are looking to exploit the system and get what they can however they can, but to cast an entire set of people in that role is demeaning, perhaps racist, and completely baseless.

Now, would it be better if Michigan had a coach with Beilein's basketball acuity but Billy Donovan's youth and energy? Yes. But as you look around the country, there are plenty of older men winning games and signing recruits. I am far less concerned about recruiting than I am about winning basketball games. The recruits will come as the wins do. And whereas a Tommy Amaker team reliably beat the bad teams, split with the mediocre ones, and always lost to the good ones, a Beilein squad will win when it should and be much more competitive, even when overmatched on paper. Last year, in the Big East, with a young team, Beilein had his guys hitting 71% of their free throws while they put up an average scoring difference of +10, defended the three better than anyone else (opponents shot 30%), had the second-best scoring defense and the thirteenth-most-efficient offense in the country. Those are the kind of numbers that argue for success.

And so as this first full week of the John Beilein era begins, I am proud and happy to say that Michigan has found a basketball coach who fits the profile for success. And, given that the football team still is carrying around an offensive line coach who doesn't produce the results we need; has too many questions among the defensive personnel; and is regrettably still led by the same old mediocre and anachronistic head coach, this might be the first April in a while when I can genuinely say that the prospects of basketball season are more exciting than football. With football it will be more of the same and someone else will be playing for the national title. In basketball, Beilein might be giving us a glimpse of a better future.

Go Blue!

True Majority Comes Correct

I have no idea if the numbers cited in this ad are accurate, but it's awesome nonetheless.

Check it out.

Music for a Monday Addendum: Name That Tune

A little midweek trivia. Can anyone go 10-for-10? Use the comments section to call out which songs sampled the following originals. No looking shit up. That's not what's fun. And you should be able to get some of these without thinking too hard (hint: think about some artists from the post below)...

- Les McCann, "Go on and Cry"

- Shunsuke Kikuchi, "Kamen Rider

- Reg Tilsley Orchestra, "Warlock"

- Harvey Averne, "You're No Good"

- Les Demerle, "A Day in the Life"

- Dorothy Ashby, "The Windmills of Your Mind"

- Alan Tew, "Drama Blackcloth"

- Don Blackman, "Holding You, Loving You"

- Francois de Roubaix, "Dernier Domicile Connu"

- Jack Mayborn, "Music People"

Music for a Monday on Wednesday: It Might Blow Up but It Won't Go Pop

Could we turn off the release faucet for a moment so that I can get caught up?

Prodigy, "Nickel and a Nail"
Prodigy, "Bang on 'Em"
The answer is likely "yes," but too lazy and too busy to seek out a more definitive answer, I'm going ahead with my quasi-rhetorical question anyway: Has a well-liked group ever sold worse but been more scrutinized than Mobb Deep? You realize that M-O-B-B has only gone platinum once, right? And that was for Murda Muzik. From a sales perspective, they remind me of De La Soul, a group which also has only one platinum plaque to its name. The key difference, of course, is that De La Soul has consistently made great music since the late 80s (and is most likely one of a handful of groups that can credibly even think about calling itself the greatest of all time) while Mobb Deep made one timeless record, a strong follow up, and then slowly spiraled downward. But that's not my point today. At least, not as it might seem on the surface. I have not come here to denigrate Mobb Deep or reprise old criticisms. Rather, that nearly every hip-hop fan and critic has such a pronounced take on the group despite its questionable relevancy and few artistic innovations this century only further confirms the veracity that fueled my initial query.

We really have no excuse to still care so much about Mobb Deep. And maybe we, people, don't; it might just be the "we" of online music zealots. We seem to care about every artist so much. But assuming that Prodigy and Havoc do, in fact, enjoy a generally elevated level of mattering-ness, it owes to something that I tried to write about recently: you tend to enjoy enduring appeal long beyond what's warranted when you drop an era-defining record that people practically cry over. That's how meaningful The Infamous was and is for people. It was New York hip-hop back when earning that sort of designation was tantamount to winning an NBA MVP award--it was the kind of validating praise that helps to write history. And it now is an object lesson and symbol of both how groups can fall off and how hip-hop has changed. It also means that until they publicly eschew rap music and embark upon a career as Church singers, Mobb Deep will get people talking.

When they listen to Return of the Mac, Prodigy's new "mixtape," these people will talk about the comfortable, sensible production that Alchemist has put together, bathing Prodigy's words in a stream of patient soul samples and brooding bass that evoke the sort of pained, world-weary aural atmospheres in which P has thrived. And people will also talk about Prodigy's renewed sense of rhyme, something that has returned, albeit to a weaker degree. But, be honest, even trying to rhyme is an improvement over some of the verses he gave us on Blood Money. Ian made a related point well: Prodigy has always used his words in unconventional fashion, so hearing him again relay his grim outlook with something even resembling a discernible rhyme scheme is a welcomed return to (his own stilted) form. One example that jumps out at me are these parallel rhymes, taken from "Give Up the Goods" and "Bang on 'Em," respectively:

"...I'm caught up in the hustle when the guns go blast/The fool retaliated so I had to think fast/Pull out my heat first, he pull out his heat last/Now who the fuck you think is livin' to this day?..."

"...Don't ask me why Queensbridge can't stick together/If you don't know the answer, then you don't know the ghetto/Everybody don't get along, and that's what it is/We either shoot when we see 'em n***as or we gon' get hit..."

The former is an authentic, smooth flow with a narrative style that conveys a morbid, gripping urgency. The latter is a rougher string of words plodding along with sad resignation. It's the exciting promise of youth and the melancholy reality of experience.

That is ultimately the true essence of Return of the Mac: It doesn't reward your faith but it knows what it's doing. It's good enough. Not what you will eternally be hoping for, but better than what we've recently heard. And that might not even be fair, because this album really is a strong, serviceable rap record, far exceeding the empty-calorie rap that artists like Rich Boy and their enjoy-the-fame-while-you-can producers pump out.

Cilvaringz, "Death to America"
Cilvaringz, "Forever Michael"
I had a friend in high school who was very smart but also very jaded. He was inclined to think that at most times, people were trying to take advantage of him. He had a father who was the same way--almost paranoid at times--and my friend ultimately turned out to be a guy who sought chemical remedies for his problems. This odd mixture of stoner cynicism and intellectual power also made him particularly inclined to buy into your everyday credible conspiracy theory. It wasn't that the theories, themselves, were so compelling, but rather, the possibility that certain connections existed, and that unseen nefarious powers didn't want you to know about them, was seductive for this friend of mine. When those ideas could be supported by any sort of factual information, however speciously presented, he would cling to them and argue almost for the sake of arguing.

If this friend had been Dutch-Moroccan and had ultimately done a prison bid at Oz, living with Kareem Said but working in the kitchen with Method Man's character Tug Daniels, he would have emerged as the rapper-producer Cilvaringz, and he would have made the album I.

I don't really know how to describe this record in any way but this: imagine a collection of Wu-Tang-styled beats strung together, broken up periodically by horrible skits, and rapped over by a militant Muslim convinced that the United Stated and its puppet, Israel, have waged an endless campaign against Arabs and other minority groups--blacks (via Africa), American Indians. Throw in some love songs; a Wu-Tang posse cut; a spoken-word poem that catalogues America and Israel's many transgressions; a Michael Jackson tribute rap; beats from RZA, Mathematics, and Bronze Nazareth (many of which are wasted on the skits), and you have yourself I. This sounds crazy, and yet, this is what the album is--an odd concoction of inspiring hip-hop, risks that don't pan out, righteous indignation, and political quarrels that range from reasonable to offensive.

Peace, God.

Redman ft. Def Squad and Biz Markie, "Walk in Gutta"
If you've liked Redman of the past, you'll like Redman of the present, as his latest record, Red Gone Wild, is an anachronism largely untouched by contemporary hip-hop trends. It could have come out five or maybe ten years ago and sounded remarkably similar. And that's pretty much a good thing. Just ask Jeff, who had a startlingly similar take. Redman remains one of the most entertaining rappers you'll ever "meet," and he again flexes all of that personality and sly wordplay over a somewhat bloated but mostly enjoyable collection of beats that range from classic G-funk to quasi-bounce, and from soul-driven interpolations to percussive minimalism. The album's primary shortcomings stem, ironically, from its notable strengths: while Red remains funny and engaging, the overall sound of the album can seem dated at times. The adherence to the soundscape of a traditional Redman album has left the record sounding like a weaker derivative; too many of the better ideas have been used in the past, and done better then. That there isn't all that much to write about Red Gone Wild speaks to this point. It will not inspire a strong feeling in any way. But listening to Redman do his thing is still a singule hip-hop pleasure.

Sidebar: New albums from Paul Wall, Redman, Mike Jones, and Devin all have guest spots from Snoop Dogg. Snoop is also the token hip-hop celebrity on talk shows, at parties, on television. When isn't this guy available? And, when did he stop trying to make anything that was at all memorable? These songs all blend together, now, and that's not a good thing. Christ, even Bill O'Reilly is killin' him right now.

Cybertron, "Clear"
Outlaw Blues Band, "Deep Gully"
Time Out has put together these "living" city tour guides that are meant to immerse one in a true experience--a local's favorite shopping and entertainment and food--not the more traditional, sterile guides that highlight things like old buildings. For its Los Angeles installment Time Out got Peanut Butter Wolf to make a DVD and Madlib to throw together a mixtape featuring area artists. Picking out favorite Jaylib tracks, new age jazz, break beats, and his unique brand of drugged-out space hip-hop, Madlib comes through, as one with his record collection might be expected to do so.g

The Dork Set has more right here.

Three Tracks of Note:

- Cam'ron, "Suga Dooga"
No song in recent times has made me as confused: do I love this or hate this? Also, Cam'ron's alternate universe is engaging and he somehow makes corny passable, but this bubble gum rap is just goofy. Sort of like when the Dips sample 80s pop songs--these are the dudes who are gunnin' for 50 because he's not hard enough? There's a disconnect there. "Cognitive dissonance" should make its way into the next Cam rhyme.

- Polyrhythm Addicts ft. Pharoahe Monch, "Reachin'"
Jesus, this beat knocks. It is repetitive, but there is so much energy here that it's excusable.

- Tony Parker, "Intro"
This is how Tony Parker's album begins:

Ladies and gentlemen
Prepare to bear witness
To history in the making
Allow me to introduce to you
One of the most talented men ever to walk the face of the Earth
He is...
Mr. Break Your Ankles
The Teardrop Specialist
The Crossover King
AKA Tony Pizzle
AKA T.P. The Machine
You know what time it is
It's game time
So out of your seat and on your feet
For the one...
The only...
TO-NY PARKER

That's embarrassing.

Idiotic Beef, pt. Infinity

- The Game, "Body Bags"
This dude needs to get a hobby. That's really all that's left for me to say.

Also, if you listen closely, doesn't it sound as though "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" wants to breakout in the background? It's the sidewinding synths underneath Game's verses.

- 50 Cent, "Straight to the Bank"
I still can't believe that this is the most decorated artist in hip-hop right now. I mean, really? People don't get tired of this bullshit? Generic violence and raps about money? And how can this hook not wind up as an endless object of ridicule? It's terrible.

Peep Game: Manny Faces. This dude has all kinds of remixes available for download, along with a weekly podcast that's really good.

And finally...as people lose their shit over UGK's "International Players Anthem," I can't help but be reminded, again, of how crappy Pimp C is. His rhymes are so simple and boring. I still haven't recovered from how dumb he sounded on that Luda track, "Do Your Time." That T.I. track, "Front Back"? He fucked that up; the DJ Drama version without him was better. The general UGK lovefest--something born of this internet age--makes little sense to me. How can a group be so celebrated when half of the duo sucks? I get that their catalogue is deep and people respect their longevity, but come on.

Ballhype

Invariably, you've seen or heard about Digg, where you can recommend web content to others and check out their picks. Or maybe you've signed up for sites such as Facebook, places where you can connect with friends and share videos, photos, and links. Well, now there's Ballhype, a social networking site for sports fans where a user can create a profile, recommend links, read content chosen by other users, join groups built around specific interests, and, in general, find one more venue for informed sports discussion. I think it has great potential and have signed up. I encourage you to do the same.

If you scroll down, you'll also see two new Ballhype features on this site. The first is a logo button that will allow you to directly post recommended Straight Bangin' on Ballhype. All you need to do is navigate to a Straight Bangin' post's permalink and then click the Ballhype button. The second is a Ballhype widget that will provide real-time headlines from the site so that you can see some of the most discussed sports stories and blog posts in the Ballhype network.

If it's any extra incentive, I'd add that many popular sports bloggers have signed up at Ballhype and will likely populate the site with great content. So give it a whirl.

God Came Through for Humanity

Let's just say it: Arguably the most hated man in the country not named Bush.

Go here and read this. You can even watch a clip. Go now; I'll wait for you to come back...

OK.

What you likely found was an overview of Billy Packer's appearance on the Charlie Rose show during which he used the term "fag out," which I understand to be a phrase that's used to question someone's manhood. (I don't know, for sure, because I don't say such stupid shit.) Obviously, it's completely offensive to gay people, just as it would be to call someone a "homo" as an insult. Unlike the Micheal Ray situation, here we have someone who is purposely insulting an entire group of people and is engaging in a really idiotic laissez-faire homophobia.

But beyond the inherent foulness of the comment, let us also seize upon the opportunity this creates: Can Billy Packer please be fired now? PLEASE?! He is universally reviled by sports fans; he is the most negative and petty broadcaster I've ever heard; he does not do his job well; and he has demonstrated a pattern of offensive, ignorant behavior. I mean, he's already been legitimately questioned as a racist and sexist. Aside from his professional incompetence, how could there be any more reason to dismiss him?

Let us make this negative into a positive. And thank the lord that an opportunity for righteousness has emerged in this dark hour.

Update: The guy doesn't even like sports! (HT: Ballhype)

Scary Good

This man will make you feel bad about yourself.

Last week, my 3-on-3 basketball team lost in the semifinals of our league playoffs. We weren't hitting shots, we weren't moving the ball, and the other team could score in so many ways that it placed tremendous pressure on my team to not waste possessions. Part of our problem was that despite being in good position and playing normally effective defense as the other team drove, we couldn't consistently stop the guys we were guarding, several of whom were strong enough and long enough to get the ball up to the rim even when they were fouled.

And we certainly fouled--as you get tired and frustrated and desperate, you start hitting people. No cheap shots, of course, but you want to make an opponent stop driving or, at the least, stop getting the ball to the basket. The idea is to make the opponent earn every point, right? Absent strategic innovation, physicality is the manifestation of that sentiment. And in the testosterone-driven world of amateur basketball played by people who know something about the sport, getting your Anthony Mason on is almost noble: there is always an odd undercurrent of aspiration as you hope that your play is approximating some far-off simulacrum, though still a simulacrum, of the professional game. And just like in the pros, when getting tough still does not help one's team maneuver away from defeat, it's demoralizing. Your most primal and basic ability has been rendered insufficient.

Succumbing to a dispiriting force happens at all levels of basketball, and were the emotional component of the game not such a critical determinant of success, the legends of Michael Jordan and Bill Russell and Kobe Bryant would be quite different. Given the universal emotional demands of basketball, I can empathize with the Dallas Mavericks and all other Phoenix Suns foes who have no answer for Amare Stoudemire. He's just too good around the basket, and he is redefining what it means for a big man to finish. Over time, opponents have to feel as though nothing they do is good enough. Right? Lithe and hardbody and explosive, Stoudemire absorbs contact, contorts his body, and still finishes at the rim unlike any power player I've ever seen. YouTube has helped keep alive the memories of acrobatic finishes throw in by Shawn Kemp and Dominique Wilkins, both of whom could get hit and still throw down, but neither demonstrated the agility and flexibility of a man built like Stoudemire while in the air. 'Nique had the gift of movement but wasn't a post player; Kemp was built more like Amare but didn't move in the same way. There is a certain creativity that we commonly associate with point guards who manufacture easy baskets for their teammates, and a certain athleticism that we associate with the swingmen who twist their way toward finishes at the basket. Stoudemire demands that we afford him similar consideration, and that is almost staggering given the kind of player he is otherwise cast as being.

On Sunday, as Phoenix shredded the Dallas defense, Leandro Barbosa and Steve Nash and Shawn Marion seemed to be grabbing all loose balls, hitting shots that they shouldn't have hit, and making the back-breaking plays, but--if it's even possible to be an unremarkable 10-13 from the field--Stoudemire, to me, was quietly the most devastating presence for the Suns. Whether he was hitting jumpers facing up, getting dunks or layups out of the pick-and-roll, or simply serving as an anchor lending some stability and structure to the Suns' halfcourt "sets" (which we have to use loosely with this team), Stoudemire was a consistent offensive force who could just as easily participate in a run or get the team a basket when it needed to maintain its lead and apply steady pressure to the Mavs. Amare was fantastic. And best of all, he finished in traffic and after contact.

Given the way that he manhandled the Spurs a few years ago, with the images of him throwing in ferocious dunks over seemingly every San Antonio defender collectively serving as the most enduring image from his manifest ascendancy, it's easy to think of Stoudemire as a premier post presence. And he is. But it's also limiting to confine him to that space given its traditional connotations. He is not lumbering by rather swift. Eschewing the typical big-man arsenal of muscle-memory maneuvers (just watch Roy Hibbert for a sense of what I mean), Stoudemire's attack is far more fluid. Really, he moves like a 6' 10" guard with limited range. And unlike so many big men of recent vintage, he cannot be stopped by fouls.

Shaquille O'Neal has always been knockin' defenders off his collar, so to speak, but with so many others, you could hit them and send them to the line as a means of thwarting their offense and forcing them into the more excruciating crunch-time process of free-throw shooting. But not Amare. It's not just that he hits his free throws--which is troubling enough for other teams as it is--but he also hits those shots as part of three-point plays. Against the Mavs on Sunday, he practically carried Jason Terry on his back to the rim as he slammed home a dunk and drew a foul. Against big guys, he might crash into their torsos and then turn in midair to flip in something off the glass. Other times, he goes under the rim and up on the other side after a defender slaps his arm, gives him a shove, or simply gets in his way. When talking about the best "finishers" in the L, something usually reserved for athletic wingmen or point guards like Stephon Marbury in his prime, you must include Stoudemire.

And from an emotional perspective, which is where we started and why I found his play on Sunday most resonant, there are likely only a handful of other players who should inspire fear similar to that which Stoudemire, on a roll, should instill in opponents. Obviously, no one wants it with Kobe Bryant. And you probably don't want it with Dwyane Wade, especially not when he and the referees start playing that four-man game they run in the fourth quarter. Steve Nash hits big shots, too. Gil is Gil. And LeBron has, although I don't know if he's done it enough in the most taxing situations to be considered among the league's best closers. But after those guys, who would you put ahead of Stoudemire? Who do you truly fear? As an opposing fan, which other players most make you scream at the television when they receive the ball? Most big men can't stay in front of him; he can rise over small men; he can catch it on the blocks and then make a move; even better for him, he can receive a pass as he's already headed toward the rim--I mean, the guy can score in a lot of ways, and you're most likely only hurting yourself if you try to foul him. You need to all but knock him to the ground if you're gonna stop him from finishing. And that, ultimately, is a terrifying basketball reality, the sort that can crush wills and eviscerate foes. When your body can't keep up and your tactics can't compensate, you're a beaten player. How do you defend a guy who can literally take your best shot and still succeed?

For all of the superlatives used when assessing Stoudemire's game or his potential, and for all of the forecasts people make using fairly nebulous distinctions, it is his ability to score while getting fouled that, to me, sets him apart as a lethal foe. And that he does it with such thrilling athleticism from the post, betraying basketball convention, is all the more enthralling.

Tedium Triumphs: The Straight Bangin' Baseball Preview

Except for Tim McCarver trying to pronounce people's names.

Last week, as New York temperatures crept toward consistently settling in the 50s and 60s, Bill Self again made dinner plans at home for Final Four weekend, playoff positioning emerged as a dominant theme within the universe of the NBA, and The Masters was finally visible along the horizon, I remembered that we were also arriving upon yet another rebirth, this one far less exciting. It's now April, and that means that the aspiring poets of the diamond--you know, baseball writers, insufferable political pundits, delusional fans, moralistic NFL beat reporters--can now safely come out for another seven months of self-congratulatory whimsy about the majesty of baseball, its singular place within the fabric of American life, and how special they all are for reveling in it. There will be soaring verbal tributes about the game's slow rhythms, endless obsessing over minutiae such as whose third starter has a blister, and all of the other attendant inconsequential rhetoric.

And as happens annually, all of it will end up as undifferentiated rubbish in the waste bin of history because baseball remains boring. It's not fun to watch on television, it's devoid of compelling individuals who can regularly exert their will in a fashion that influences the outcome of the competitions, and the quotidian operations that comprise so much of a baseball game do not showcase athleticism in a way that rivals the respective mechanics of basketball or football. Yes, it's very difficult to hit a curve ball and you need a good arm to throw it from the hole over to first base, but neither of those traits summons the excitement one can find watching other, better sports. Oh, and roughly half of the guys in the league need to take drugs just to do what they do. This may be insulting to such a great athletic competition, but I'd rather watch 162 days of track meets than follow a given baseball team on television. Until I attend at least 40 baseball games a year--because going to the ballpark is, indeed, a good time--I don't think I will be of a different opinion. And that won't be happening any time ever.

And let's not even get into the fact that among the differentiating "assets" baseball boasts is the maniacal devotion of the yahoo fans who comprise much (though not all--I know a few of the normal ones) of the Red Sox nation. Nothing like a racist sports culture to really sell your sport. What a league!

All of that said, a common sports fan such as myself cannot escape this "baseball" that everyone is talking about. It's on the highlight shows, it's discussed quasi-seriously on PTI, it's in Sports Illustrated. Those of us who don't really care still can't help but absorb some baseball information through diffusion alone. And so I've endeavored to put my limited knowledge to use by providing you, the Straight Bangin' reader, with an authoritative baseball preview for those among us who really won't care until October, and then will mostly be hoping for sweeps all around so that it ends as quickly as possible.

Oh, and let's go Mets!

P.S. Joe Buck is the worst. He and Billy Packer should be sent somewhere. Like, I don't know, maybe North Korea.

American League East
1) Boston Red Sox - Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K, Dice-K. And Manny and Papi, too.

2) New York Yankees - I don't really care if the Yankees win the World Series or not, but I would like to definitively answer if A-Rod wears lipstick and which are his favorite shades. I also hope that his subconscious will continue to send messages through the New York tabloids to...himself. Oh, and I hope that Robinson Canoe has a good year.

3+) Everyone else - There are other teams in this division? I'm told that the Blue Jays could be OK since they have Roy Halladay and Vernon Wells and some other dudes, but I'm not sure that we'll ever know since the only teams anyone cares about are in New York and Boston...I have an autographed Frank Thomas Cape Cod League baseball card. Is he in the Hall of Fame yet? Does he need another good year? It's sort of sad that a guy who set so many records in his first ten years (check the numbers--I think his historical comparison for everything but winning was Lou Gehrig) will ultimately be remembered as a surly malcontent who was overweight and regularly hurt...Why are the Devil Rays still in baseball?...Isn't it funny that there was a time in the 1990s when the Orioles could scare Yankees fans?

American League Central
1) Detroit Tigers - I love Comerica Park; I have a lot of friends who root for the Tigers; I like Gary Sheffield; Joel Zumaya was rumored to have thrown a pitch 107 mph last week; they have the pitching (although I don't understand how Kenny Rogers's arm can be tired already); and they have great uniforms.

2) Chicago White Sox - Sort of like the Yankees, the White Sox could be good or bad and it won't matter to me. I just want Ozzie Guillen to cause problems, curse at people, and pull some crazy shit on a regular basis. That's when baseball is the most fun for me. Also, Jermaine Dye is kind of my man ().

3) Minnesota Twins - I'm going the Digger Phelps route here and picking this team above the Indians solely because, unlike Cleveland, Minnesota has players I've heard of--Santana, Morneau, Maue(oi--just to get them all in)r, Hunter, White. I've even heard of guys who won't be playing for them this year, like Francisco Liriano.

4) Cleveland Indians - This is one of those teams that everyone keeps waiting on to show improvement and get into the playoffs and it's just not happening. Kind of like the Golden State Warriors (though maybe they'll finally get in this year). Isn't that so?

5) ________ - This was going to be the Royals, but what's the point?

American League West
1) Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles, Orange County, Southern California, and whichever other markets would like to identify with a team - What happened to that dude Washburn who was supposed to be the man for this team back in 2002? Also, of all the ways to spell the first name that people with last names like Kemp and Connery have, "Chone" is clearly the best.

2+) Everyone else - By not following baseball, I've managed to retain zero information about other teams allegedly playing in this division. I will assume that by September, the A's will have something like 85 wins because that's always how it goes. And of course, they'll do it by using players who make a combined $25m, three of whom will be impending free agents whose potential off-season decisions will give the baseball establishment two months of talking points. Sounds thrilling!

National League East
1) New York Mets - If the bullpen performs as well as hoped, the lineup stays healthy, and they can get 6 reasonable innings from whichever bums not named Glavine wind up starting, things should be OK, right? So far, so good.

2) Atlanta Braves - Tradition dictates it. Plus, I vaguely recall that this team played pretty well during the second half of last season, a year when it was using younger guys and was missing various Joneses due to various injuries.

3) Florida Marlins - Sort of like Atlanta, no? They spent last year developing new guys to eventually sell off or not resign, right? They also dumped a manager who by all accounts did a great job. Sounds like a smart plan. Does Dontrelle Willis win games during the second half of a given season yet? And doesn't he still only have one 20-win season?

4) Philadelphia Phillies - Ryan Howard doesn't take steroids, works really hard, is considered to be a nice guy, gets an allowance from his parents, doesn't make that much money (yet), and has a child who lives with its mother. I learned that on Real Sports at some point during the off-season. I feel fully prepared for another exciting season of Phillies mediocrity.

5) Washington Redskins - Come on, it doesn't actually matter...

National League Central
1) St. Louis Cardinals - For all of my life, I had an irrational hatred of the Cardinals. Originally, I hated them because they'd beat teams I liked better, such as the Cubs (the uniforms, Andre Dawson, etc.). Then, I hated them because they had a lot of nondescript players. After that, it was my seething disdain for Mark Maguire and Tony La Russa. Now, it's because they were the least deserving champion ever last year, barely even finishing above .500. And they beat the Mets and the Tigers. So fuck them. They ain't got they cake together, right? I'm surrounded by moneeeeeey!

2-5) Almost everyone else - I find these teams indistinguishable, save for a few nuggets of info that tell me little about putting together a reasonable predicted order of finish: The Cubs spent a lot of money for Alfonso Soriano and some mid-tier quasi-losers...Houston is being held hostage by Roger Clemens, as is his annual, vain habit...Andy Pettite is back with the Jankees...Milwaukee is in an Indians-like state of almost-good-enough-ness...Tim McCarver probably still can't pronounce Bronson Arroyo, and Bronson may or may not have those braids that little girls get when they visit Jamaica...Arroyo can play guitar.

6) Pittsburgh Pirates - Two questions: Why do they still try? Does their manager still pickup and throw bases when he gets mad?

National League West
1) Los Angeles Dodgers - I saw this in Sports Illustrated. I sort of hope that if the Red Sox make the World Series, that they lose to the Dodger and Grady Little. That would be poetic, and that, as we saw above, is the stuff of a baseball writer's wet dream.

2) San Francisco Giants - My understanding is that the Giants are going to be horrible, arguably the worst team in the National League. I'm putting them second, though, for a few reasons: 1) I have always liked them, going back to the days of Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell; 2) I don't care about any of the other teams out West; 3) In the past decade or so, the Giants have seemed to perform above expectations when they've been considered sure losers; 4) Barry Bonds, though not likable and pretty much a known cheater, is pretty fascinating to me, and that, alone, makes the Giants more engaging than any other team in this division. Re: #4--that doesn't mean I want another baseball season of all-Barry all the time. It's enough.

3-5) Everyone else - Every time that the Padres wear those camouflage uniforms, an angel loses its wings...that's all.