2.28.2006

I've Been Doin' This Before Nas Dropped the Nasty


This has nothing to do with my post. It's just hilariously vomitous. 50 Cent is an ass. (HT: Nah Right)

Read with me:
- What, you thought I was the only person who liked writing about the bullshit that goes down at hip-hop shows? Your favorite blogger's new favorite blogger, Mr. Weiss, tried to see Little Brother in L.A. He even took Who Is Nate Jones with him.

- Have any of you ever posted something like this on your respective websites?
"Comments on my blog are most welcome, but please keep them related to the topics of my posts. I reserve the right to delete any that I consider inappropriate."
The answer for most people is probably "no." But that's because most of you aren't named "M.C. Hammer." The guy who wrote the excerpt above? Well, he is. And he has to throw up disclaimers like that because he knows that otherwise, lame internets jerks like me would be leaving comments like, "Hey, your kid is really cute. Is his mother the one with the pumps and a bump? Man, that was a great video." Or, "You seem angry today. Please, Hammer, don't hurt 'em."

Anyway, peep game: M.C. Hammer Blog. And yes, it's real. Go 'head, Hammer!

- Can't Stop the Bleeding is now, officially, the best sports site on the internets. I just took an unscientific poll in my living room. And it hasn't even hired a tired, gimmicky, annoying, kinda-racist, oblivious columnist yet, either (I will not link to him anymore). Just wait until that happens; it's gonna really take off.

Want proof? Well there was the admirable and necessary candor about the way that the mostly white media has fallen over itself (in both ways, really) to revel in Vince Young--a black quarterback last seen smartly taking apart USC with his brain, his arm, and his legs--allegedly scoring a 6 on the NFL's Wonderlic test even though the dude got a 16:
"Indeed, it’s almost as though someone has a stake in publicly humiliating Vince Young, negatively impacting his earning potential and worst of all, engage in the scurrilous practice of mocking the intellectual capacity of prominent black sportsmen."
And then there is the consistent coverage of the practical joke gone awry that is the Isiah Thomas-assembled, Larry Brown-coached New York Knickerbockers, a miserable team put together and led by two miserable human beings:
"Tony Parker has 20 points and 12 assists through 3 quarters tonight, with San Antonio leading New York, 100-70. Gilbert Arenas managed to score 46 against NY the other night on a mere 16 shots; Michael Finley has 22 on only 8 attempts from the floor."
The truth hurts, and honestly, most of the nights when I watch the Knicks (nearly every one possible, until I pass out from nausea), I wind up hoping that someone would shoot me in the femoral artery. It would be less painful and less disgusting.

- In related news that can only be classified among those few dreams one dares not dream too often lest he be held captive by the insidious mirage of boundless hope, Isiah Thomas could go back to Indiana. And maybe Megan Good will decide she's in love with me.

- Peep game: DJ Premier Planet

- fishbowlNY hits you with a pithy summary of the two-month national nightmare that we were all calling "Bode Miller." What a complete jerk off. Nothing made me happier than this dude failing miserably. Well, nothing except Wilbon going completely crazy about him on PTI yesterday...

- ...And that wasn't even Wilbon's best tirade of the day. That one was saved for [Wilbon] the sorry, no-account, gutless moron who faked an injury and got taken out of the stands on a gurney after Garnett lofted a ball into the stands. I hope that this dude gets a beatdown and is banned from the arena for life. Get him outta here! [/Wilbon]

- Smoking Section came away from a recent Kevin Powell lecture as galvanized and enthused as I was when I saw Powell speak recently. It's a good read.

2.27.2006

Last Donut of the Night

Over the weekend, I had a chance to read a little more about Jay Dee. I suggest that you do the same.

There was this post.

There was this tribute. (And I spotted both at Hide the Yams. Peep game, as some say around these parts.)

And most poignantly, there was this article from last week that I've seen around but warrants another shout. In fact, I am republishing it because it is so haunting. Many words have been devoted to the subject of death and all of the emotions by which it is accompanied. I don't know that mine will mean anything, but you can't read this article and fail to well up with sorrow and anger. There is no good reason why James Yancey was taken away from us, and his ordeal was tragic.

Never forget a hip-hop genius.

Jay Dee's last days

The untold story of the noted Detroit hip-hop producer's drive to make music in the face of life-threatening illness

BY KELLEY L. CARTER
FREE PRESS MUSIC WRITER

February 23, 2006

It was near the end of summer 2005, and James Yancey was sitting in a hospital bed at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles.

He couldn't walk. He could barely talk. And after spending most of the winter and spring in the hospital, receiving treatment for a rare, life-threatening blood disease and other complications, he had been re-admitted.

His body was killing him, and little could be done about it.

It was a grim prognosis, but it wasn't deterring him from tinkering with his electronic drum machine.

In the sterile white hospital room, the tools of his trade surrounded him: turntables, headphones, crates of records, a sampler, his drum machine and a computer, stuff his mother and friends from L.A.-based record label Stones Throw had lugged to his hospital room. Sometimes his doctor would listen to the beats through Yancey's headphones, getting a hip-hop education from one of the best in the business.

Yancey tampered with his equipment until his hands swelled so much he could barely move them. When the pain was too intense, he'd take a break. His mother massaged his fingertips until the bones stopped aching.

Then he'd go back to work. Sometimes he'd wake her up in the middle of the night, asking to be moved from his bed to a nearby reclining chair so he could layer more hard-hitting beats atop spacey synths or other sampled sounds, his creations stored on computer. Yancey told his doctor he was proud of the work, and that all he wanted to do was finish the album.

Before September ended, he'd completed all but two songs for "Donuts," a disc that hit stores on Feb. 7, his 32nd birthday.

Three days after its release, he died.

Yancey, better known as Jay Dee or J Dilla, is acknowledged as the father of the Detroit hip-hop sound. Some people call him a creative genius, and his streetwise but soulful and musically tight production style influenced some of the world's biggest rap and R&B stars, from Kanye West to Janet Jackson to Erykah Badu, many of whom he worked with.

He was a champion of Detroit's urban music scene, and in the mid-'90s, when hip-hop was dominated by the East and West coasts, he put a distinct Motor City sound on the national map -- and provided inspiration to then-unknowns like Eminem, D12 and his own group, Slum Village.

As his reputation rose, he persisted with his distinct connection to the musical underground, serving as a sort-of people's champion of the non-commercial hip-hop scene.

Just as he was poised for even greater fame, he got sick -- a medical odyssey that would put him in and out of hospitals for the better part of four years, racking up staggering medical bills.

The instigator was a rare and incurable blood disease, but the complications were many, including recurring kidney failure, severe blood-sugar swings, immune system issues, heart trouble and what might have been lupus.

While rumors swirled in hip-hop circles that he was sick, the extent -- and specifics -- of his health concerns were largely kept secret. Yancey was not the type who wanted others to know about his problems. Even some of his closest friends didn't know what he did: Death was soon coming.

Since his death, fans have gathered to mourn his passing and celebrate his legacy, a mood that will continue today at a public Detroit memorial service. And for the first time, those who saw Yancey's struggles first-hand, including his mother and doctor, are talking about his final days.

January 2002: Something's wrong

Yancey first realized something was wrong in January 2002 after coming back from a gig in Europe, two years after Slum Village's first national release, "Fantastic Vol. 2." Instead of going to his home in Clinton Township, he went to his parents' house on Detroit's east side, complaining that he had a cold or the flu.

It was unusual behavior. Even as a kid he'd liked his privacy, but that night he needed to be with his mother, Maureen Yancey, hoping that she could somehow make it all better.

He was sick to his stomach. He had chills. And after he lay down, he said he felt worse.

His mother took him to the emergency room at Bon Secours Hospital in Grosse Pointe. His blood platelet count was below 10. It should have been between 140 and 180. Doctors told his mother they were surprised that he was still walking around.

Soon, a specialist from Harper Hospital would diagnose a thrombotic thrombocytopenic pura or TTP, a rare blood disease that causes a low platelet count. Abnormal cells were eating away the good cells. Doctors told him there was no cure or direct treatment.

Yancey stayed in the hospital for about a month and a half. Within weeks he had to go back for the same thing -- a trend that would continue for more than four years.

Despite the looming health problems, Yancey moved to L.A. about two years after he was diagnosed, determined to make music. Some things went well, including a musical collaboration and friendship with the rapper Common, who became his roommate. But he began to feel worse, and he met with a blood specialist who told him that in order to live, he'd have to endure medications and hospital treatments.

In November 2004, Yancey called his mother and asked if she'd come out to L.A. to help take care of him.

Disease leads to kidney failure

Yancey went into the hospital shortly after his mom arrived, and he stayed until March 2005. His mother, who slept at the hospital, never left his side. She began to take the reins of her son's health issues, which included mounting bills.

He had to take anti-immune and anti-inflammation steroids. A medication designed to suppress his immune system gave him high blood sugar, and he was taken off it.

The TTP also led to kidney failure. His kidneys would shut down, spring back, shut down again. The three-times-a-week, four-hour dialysis treatments were sometimes so painful he had to be unhooked from the machine.

Because he was lying in bed for long periods, his legs swelled, making it difficult to walk. He needed a wheelchair or a walker or cane -- the latter he used when he could get out to the music store to look for records, or to a nearby fruit market to get juice or a 7-Eleven Slurpee, a treat. Sometimes he would forget how to swallow and would have to relearn. He lost 50% of his weight.

"A lot of times, just when we would get ready to get going, he would get sick again," Maureen Yancey said. "He was so tired of going back. It was very sedentary. Just watching him, it was sad at times. He couldn't do what he wanted to."

In 2005, weeks before his 31st birthday, doctors diagnosed something that looked like lupus, a chronic inflammatory disease that can affect the skin, joints, blood and kidneys. His doctor said it was probably what contributed to the low platelet count and the frequent swelling and pain in his hands.

Sure, those long hospital stays had plenty of undesirable consequences. But it was the inability to touch the music, to pick it out of records bins, twist it and create it, that made those long stays feel never-ending.

The hospital bills mount

Even though he had insurance through the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists, the cost to keep Yancey alive was steep, and he had to pay much of it himself.

Bills for the lengthy hospital stays topped $200,000 each time. Dialysis three times a week cost $1,800. Each once-a-week shot to raise his hemoglobin cost $1,800. He had dozens of prescriptions -- $700, $900 or even $2,000 out of pocket per bottle. He had large co-pays -- one was $6,700 a week -- because he had to see specialists.

His mother, who today gets medical invoices almost daily, has yet to total up the costs. His plan was to make more music -- he had a project lined up with Will Smith -- to pay the bills and leave money to take care of his Detroit-based daughters, Ja-mya Yancey, 4, and Ty-monet Whitlow, 5.

To pay the bills, Maureen says, she'll work the rest of her life if she has to.

A Detroit friend steps in

Mike Buchanan, better known as DJ House Shoes, first met Yancey in the mid-'90s at Street Corner Music in Beverly Hills. House Shoes worked there and Yancey was a wanna-be music producer on the hunt for albums.

After Yancey moved to L.A., their friendship waned. In early 2005, House Shoes heard the rumor that Yancey was in a coma and might not pull through. He booked a flight to L.A. and packed a bunch of CDs -- random beats CDs, a mix-tape CD that House Shoes had recently released and anything else he thought Yancey would want to hear.

He stayed a week, spending every day in the hospital with him.

His friend looked different -- he was smaller and quieter. House Shoes struggled, not wanting to pry too much about the details of his friend's illness.

"I poker-faced it," House Shoes would say a year later. "It was hard as hell."

At his hospitalized birthday celebration, Yancey got cake -- chocolate, his favorite -- from one of his record labels, Stones Throw. He also got a baseball jersey decorated with Detroit street signs.

Then there was a private gift.

House Shoes called about 35 people in Detroit -- some who knew Yancey and others who'd never met him but appreciated his contributions to hip-hop. He had them leave birthday and get-well greetings on his voice mail.

"Man, listen to this crazy message this girl left me," House Shoes said, bringing his cell phone closer to Yancey's ear.

Then he let them play. All 35 messages. There in his hospital bed, Yancey broke down and cried.

Yancey hides his condition

Yancey kept quiet about how bad things really were.

After that early 2005 stint at the hospital -- the one that prompted hip-hop message boards to report he was in a coma -- he granted an interview to hip-hop magazine XXL for its June edition.

In the interview, he denied that he was comatose, and said that he had gotten sick overseas. "As soon as I got back," he told the magazine, "I had the flu or something, and I had to check myself into the hospital. Then they find out I had a ruptured kidney and was malnourished from not eatin' the right kinda food. It was something real simple, but it ended with me being in the hospital."

Only his doctor and his mother knew how bad it really was.

Detroit rapper Proof, like many of Yancey's friends, never wanted to push it.

"We never really got into the sickness thing. I would be like 'How you doing?' He would be like 'Better,' " Proof said.

The Bible provides comfort

Yancey became more spiritual in the last year of his life.

He and his mother studied the story of Job, which tackles the question of why innocent people suffer, and which biblical scholars interpret to be about faith and patience.

"For God maketh my heart soft, and the Almighty troubleth me: because I was not cut off before the darkness, neither hath he covered the darkness from my face."

His doctor said he had come to terms with illness.

"He didn't want to be a professional patient," said Dr. Aron Bick, Yancey's L.A.-based hematologist, who also is an oncologist. "The treatment was difficult because he would not want to go to the hospital. He was very intelligent. He said, 'I hear you, doc. But here are my decisions about my own life.'

"I admired that on a human level. He got the medical care he needed. He really did not let his medical situation handicap his life. To him, life came first. He made peace with himself before we even knew it. And then he made peace with his mom."

On his 32nd birthday, Yancey spent the day at his L.A. home.

Roommate Common bought him a birthday cake, chocolate, of course. DJ Peanut Butter Wolf and Madlib, friends from hip-hop's underground, came over with a cake in the shape of a chocolate doughnut, to honor the "Donuts" album, which was released that day.

Their visit was brief, because Yancey felt uncomfortable with people seeing him that way.

They left the cake at the door. Yancey had a small piece. It was all his aching stomach could take.

It hadn't quite been a month since he'd left the hospital, and he'd just learned how to swallow again. Because his voice wasn't strong, he sometimes refused to open his mouth. He was shuffling around his home with a walker -- he'd gotten rid of the wheelchair weeks before.

"At that point I really felt like something was wrong, more so than ever," said Peanut Butter Wolf. "Even a few weeks before that he was in a wheelchair, but he was energetic and showing me music and showing me his equipment and talked about moving all of his equipment that's still in Detroit to L.A."

Still, in spite of the pain, he was happy. His one prayer had been answered. This was the first birthday in four years that he hadn't spent in a hospital.

'It's going to be all right'

In the last days of his life, as he shuffled up and down the hallway, he had heart-to-heart chats with his mother. They were quick. But they were thoughtful.

"You know I love you, right?" he said. "And I appreciate everything you've ever done for me."

"You don't have to say that," she said.

He and his mother had developed a ritual that preceded medical procedures: They'd slap high-fives, an indication that everything was going to be OK.

At home, the day after his birthday, he held his hand up for his mom to meet it in midair.

She was puzzled. There was no procedure that day. Why was he doing this?

He continued to motion for her to high-five him, refusing to stop until her hand met his.

Finally, she relented and gave it to him.

"That's what I'm talking about," he said. "We're in this together. It's all good. You're going to be all right. I promise you it's going to be all right."

Music for a Monday: New Ghostface (!) Edition


Best album since Grind Date; better than anything from 2005; and one of the best albums this decade.

You read the title correctly. I bought the first version of Fish Scale this weekend. It's what some people would call incredible. I'm one of those people. The full review is coming tomorrow. Here's a preview: this is classic-sounding hip-hop. It's not the diluted (deluded?) pop-rap of Late Registration; it's not the staid soul chops of Minstrel Show; it's not the empty repetition of The People's Champ. It's a witty, charismatic, and engrossing MC spitting over head-nod production that supplements but never overwhelms his flow. And that's really what hip-hop should be about.

Like I "said," more tomorrow. For now, peep some music for a Monday.

- Ghostface Killah ft. Cappadonna and Trife, "Dawn"
There are a lot of familiar modern modes of hip-hop: the Eminem-produced faux-dramatic anger music that those white people who don't shower seem to love; that candy-paint-spittin' cough-medicine sound; The Game's name-dropping, wannabe-sinister gangsterism; etc. I think we need to also include the Ghostface sexual/romantic encomium, one of my favorite archetypes. These tracks always serve as perfect platforms from which Ghost can drop his incredible assonance, vivid if not startling imagery, active imagination, and endearing humor. There's also something sinfully rewarding about this kind of track getting spit over an organ-driven beat that is immediately reminiscent of church.

I really can't tell you how excited you should be that there is all this new Ghostface music to lose yourself in.

- AZ, "A.W.O.L. (Cookin' Soul Remix)"
#1: Get past the worthless intro.

#2: This sounds a lot like the MFSB sample that was used for Jay's "What More Can I Say," doesn't it?

#3: It seems like it's been a minute since every record that came out was soon followed by the obligatory remix album. I can only hope that the aggravating mash-up plot hatched by hipsters that gave us disposable crap like The Grey Album, that led to Jay-Z and Linkin Park trying to fully destroy the Grammys, and that
partially characterized a recent moment in music has come to an end. That said, there were some worthwhile products which were born of that now defunct (I hope) epoch, such as 9th Wonder's God's Stepson project. To that list of at least tolerable if not actually good remix records we can now add the Cookin' Soul remix of AZ's A.W.O.L. I don't think it's gonna set off an internets craze, but it's worth a listen, and this track is representative of its general quality.

- Juvenile, "Why Not"
On the 400 Degreez tip. And by that I mean that a 10-year-old with a keyboard and a "demo" key could have made this beat. Or perhaps I mean that as Juvenile flows, you keep expecting to hear "You a paper chaser/You got cha block on fire...." Or I might even mean that he actually recycles lyrics from "Ha." But like on 400 Degreez, Juvenile makes these beats work. So if 400 Degreez was your thing (and I can't front: I spun that record a lot), then this will be too. It breaks no ground, and it's "stupid" in an objective sense, but it's also just fun to listen to Juve run his mouth and do his thing.

2.26.2006

What the Fuck Is a Papoose?


Premier points to the answer.

That was the rhetorical question that lured all manner of hip-hop fans to Park Slope this past Friday night for the latest LiveNDirect concert of the same title. And yeah, I guess there were answers already available. And yeah, I've written about dude way too often for a mixtape MC who has flashed some promise but is still very much of an unknown. But really, that was the point: Friday was gonna be a chance to finally get a grasp on whether Pap is gonna be anything more than an also-ran.

So, what the fuck is a Papoose? Well, for starters, it's a dude who rolls to club shows with 30 weed carriers. When the man finally hit the stage (some time after 2 AM I think), he came out with a clique of hangers-on that was never ending. And they all insisted on crowding the front of the stage to the point that it seemed like they either didn't know where it ended or didn't care if they fell off of it like the hip-hop lemmings that they were. And it was only about fifteen feet wide, so they were standing about three deep all the way across, a teaming mass of ancillary utility at best.

This was one of the greatest hip-hop posses I have ever seen. It came replete with: damn near everyone drinking a plastic cup's worth of Hennessy; one dude carrying an entire bottle of Henny (he was likely the waiter of the group); no fewer than three guys getting blunted on stage during the set; about five people who were not entirely familiar with what was going on, evidenced by their frequent getting up on or down from the stage; one guy so drunk that he fell off and had to sit at the foot of the stage for the duration of the show; a few guys who were gesticulating and pantomiming the lyrics so vigorously while Papoose spit that they were dripping sweat; a few other guys who seemed to think people were there to see them, what with their motions and faithful recitations of the words; one guy standing on a speaker, looking deranged, and regularly rapping along about half a second too late. I'm telling you, it was an incredible spectacle in and of itself. Really, it's too bad that Ghostface and Jada's "Run" wasn't covered because there would have been a stampede as 30 grown-ass men tried to simulate eluding the police while fake running within a 150-square-foot space.

Papoose seemed either oblivious or, more likely, immune to all of this while he was performing, though. While running through an unrefined set that was heavy on the absent cohesion and light on the performance value, Pap stood at the front of the stage, stared out at the crowd, and spit a bundle of his joints with little of the charm one usually can discern from a rapper in concert. There wasn't much talking; there wasn't much playfulness; there wasn't much creativity. In some ways, it was exactly what one might have anticipated, though, and that salvaged the performance, keeping it afloat in the sea of expectation and preventing it from sinking to the bottom as a disappointing dud. Pap's flow is unrelenting and unchanging, a steady, energetic verbal assault that lays siege to any sort of beat in nearly identical fashion. It's menacing, but not because of the gun raps or the overall sonic quality; it's menacing because it just never stops and it's always bombastic. Fast or slow, hard or soft, nice or mean--Papoose always does Papoose on record. And thus, in some ways it was perfectly authentic that Papoose was just doing Papoose in concert.

The real problem, then, is that Pap regularly sounds too much like some cyborg rapper deft at fashioning engaging rhymes but incapable of changing his tone to enhance his flow with the strength of emotional reflection. He doesn't catch the softer beats very well.

Papoose absolutely destroys certain gutter beats, and when coupled with his lyrical talent, that sort of MC savagery is incredibly exciting. The guy has the ability to make you think that New York street rapping can still be this genuinely brash mode of expression and is not a cheap marketing gimmick hatched in a board room and executed by some studio gangster. Defiant hip-hop, with its impregnable bulwark of hyper masculinity, remains uniquely captivating. But it can't work all the time, and the better rappers know this. Cube's "Now I Gotta Wet'cha" comes on the same record as "It Was a Good Day." "The What" and "One More Chance" mitigated some of the declarative power Biggie unleashed on tracks like "Things Done Changed." Even Big Daddy Kane--a rapper who we remember and cherish for aggressive flows on so many classic tracks--would lay down something like "Smooth Operator" with credible moderation. But that's not Pap. On songs like "Flashback" or "Law Library," attempts to command a softer approach are awkward, and in the final analysis, the dude can't help but come off as a fierce MC looking to damage something.

A concert like Friday's is also not a great format for image reformation. With 30 hopped-up weed carriers and an obvious motivation to seem as gully as possible so as not to fuck with one's overall image, Papoose didn't really have a chance to be anything other than the intense MC he normally is. Overall, the performance was limited, but I will give the man a break and assume that he'll get better.

The rest of the performance card was an odd, pleasant mix. The evening started with some aspiring, mediocre white rapper named Mr. Metaphor whose DJ was the stereotypical Jewish hip-hop enthusiast that Adam Goldberg would play in a movie. Metaphor did about four decent if hackneyed tracks while some of his boys in the crowd called out inside jokes. One of them had on some ridiculous down jacket--one of those joints that increase's a person's width by about 200%--and this ugly-ass TMac headband that was about six inches from top to bottom. I think this dude got into a fist fight (there were three that I can recall) and lost, confirming that he probably wasn't as hard as he would have liked to have seemed.

After Metaphor, DJ Premier took over, first performing with special guest Craig G; then spinning some records; then performing with special guest Jeru the Damaja (!); and then finishing up with some more records. Unlike the last three times I had seen Premier in person, he didn't excoriate the crowd for its insufficient hip-hop enthusiasm or knowledge. There were plenty of rhetorical queries about whether "real hip-hop fans" were in the building, but nothing was done to raise Premier's ire. Phew! Craig G was on briefly and ripped a nice freestyle, and people absolutely lost their shit for Jeru. He did about three songs and got the crowd into a fleeting state of hysteria when "Come Clean" was performed (of course). Following the DJ Premier all stars, Sadat X spent about 30 minutes shedding layers of camouflage gear (he had on at least four separate camo items), performing bits and pieces of a lot of solo joints, eschewing a full-on Brand Nubian nostalgia set (much to the chagrin of the crowd, although we did get "Punks Jump Up"), and making empty threats that he was gonna bring out Greg Nice. It never happened, although Nice did sit backstage poking his head through a curtain he whole time. WTF? You gotta love hip-hop concerts.

As one might expect of a show in Park Slope, the crowd comprised some members of the gully set who were there to get all ig'nant during the Papoose set; some members of the "true school" who were there to worship at the Premier alter; and some members of the indifferent set who probably just like checking out live music.

There was one notable crowd event: During the house DJ's set that was spun before the performers came on, said DJ threw on "Return of the Crooklyn Dodgers," a song that, like many others, contains multiple invocations of the n-word. Like every other hip-hop show ever, the crowd was rapping along to its favorite songs, "Return" being one of them. As Chubb Rock spit his verse, a white guy standing next to me used the n-word while rapping along, just like most everyone else there. A black guy and his two friends who were standing next to this white guy took offense, and the black man said to the white man "What did you just say?!" The white guy got all nervous and apologetic and said "Look, I was rapping along to the song. I didn't mean to offend anyone and I am not looking for a problem."

The situation was defused fairly quickly (although the black guys kept joking about the white guy among themselves for the rest of the night), but it got me thinking: should non-blacks be using the n-word when reciting rap lyrics? It's a complicated question. Thoughts?

Links

- The Geography of Seinfeld, a quasi-interactive map. Kind of cool if you're into the Sein, which I am.

- Malcolm Gladwell has a blog. Should I have known this?

2.25.2006

You Listen to Too Much Rap Music If...


Gutter

...you see this headline on a sports internet and immediately think of a box cutter:

Lewis wants to cut Bengal who leaked outburst

In my defense, these times in which we live make it hard to see "cut" and "leak" in the same sentence and not think of something grimy

2.23.2006

BREAKING NEWS: RULES CHANGES COMING TO NBA


I ain't sayin' nothin', but I think Cuttino's looking at apartments in Manhattan

In a Straight Bangin' exclusive, I have learned that massive rules changes are coming to the NBA. The proposed changes, going into effect today at 3 PM, include:

- The 24-second shot clock has been extended to 60 seconds
- Teams can now use three balls on any given possession at their discretion
- Any player who can dribble for 15 consecutive seconds while his teammates watch will earn his team one point
- The salary cap is a loose, non-binding suggestion

In preparation for the rules changes, GMs have been scrambling to overhaul their rosters. Mark Cuban is exploring options to trade for Shaq and Alex Rodriguez; the Kings are bringing in Hot Sauce; and the Wizards have decided to go in a different direction, firing Eddie Jordan and bringing in Pete Carril. There was even a league-wide memo from David Stern mentioning something about "spicing up" the trading deadline since KG and AI aren't gonna be moved.

The good news for Knicks fans is that while some GMs were caught holding their dicks, baffled by the potential manifestations of the changes, one GM, as usual, flexed his superior intellect and again put his team on course toward a sure championship.

"I just heat up the air in my head, and..."

That's right, Isiah Thomas did what he does best, dealing away Penny Hardaway (a huge, $16 million expiring contract) and Trevor Ariza (who will now, of course, go on to become the next Scottie Pippen) for Steve Francis (a shoot-first, dribble happy point guard owed $49 million over the next three seasons).

Think about what that means--the Knicks can now start Stephon Marbury, Steve Francis, and Jalen Rose. That's three guys who could each hold the ball for 15 seconds during any given possession, meaning that the Knicks could earn 3 points every time down the floor without passing more than twice, and they'd still have 15 seconds to get a shot. And that's only if they're using one ball. Even better, with the new three-ball rule, the Knicks could get anywhere between 3 and 12 points on every possession without passing once! I know that the Pistons are good, but let's see them try to get 12 points per possession. Offensive efficiency is gonna go soaring through the roof. And just imagine what will happen when Jamal Crawford comes in the game with Francis, Marbury, and Rose. As Dick Vitale would scream incessantly before going back to his regular sycophancy, "That's an m-and-m'er, baby!" Mismatch City! Who are you gonna leave open to dribble? What a match-up nightmare.

Orlando's police department should be out in full force because Isiah Thomas just robbed the Magic. The Knicks added to their salary obligations, they got another guard who would rather dribble than pass, and they found someone else who can slow things down. Isiah Thomas is a genius. Best GM ever!

I am now going to hold my head under water until I pass out.

Lanks


Don't ask me. I just work here.

- Seriously, be honest: Is there anyone out there who still thinks that this administration is competent? Does anyone think it does what's right? Does anyone think it respects the strictures of our checks-and-balances government?

- Related: Best Bush impersonation ever? (video)

- Little Brother's got a blog on MySpace, and naturally, it gives you something to consider.

- Happy belated birthday, Lost in the '80s! This was one of the first blogs I ever read, and it is still among the best.

- Mental Sword Fighting caught the meme bug. Can Straight Bangin' be far behind?

- What ever happened to that Buckets post we were all promised last week?

2.22.2006

And While You're Here:

Peep game: Grand Good.

Peep game:
Throwing Things. Now we need a blog called "Housing Things" featuring Kool Keith. Or a Biggie blog called "Things Done Changed." Deltron blog--"Things You Can Do"? I'll stop before this gets out of hand. I guess the word "things" isn't so hard to find.

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You


The smiling face of the destructive machine

All the ladies...all the ladies...all the ladies in the house go...fuck yourselves (and then don't have an abortion). Read down, past the opening paragraphs, to the part about women's health and precedents and all that. This is how it starts. And a majority of you people--you know, Americans--voted for Bush, so I guess this is what you all wanted, right? War-time President; cowboy (but not a "maverick"--John McCain owns the copyright on that one); strong on values like making women subordinates. What a good guy.

Like I said...

2.21.2006

A Tradition Unlike Any Other: Draped Up Edition


Far too uncommon

For me, there are five great sports weekends each year: the opening weekend of Michigan football; the weekend of the Michigan-Joke of a University football game; the opening of the NCAA Tournament; the Masters; and perhaps my favorite cultural event of the year, the NBA all-star weekend. There is no greater combination of sports competition and cultural expression than all-star weekend. The ceremony, the personalities, the athleticism, the fashion (Damon Jones, we all see you)--it's a wonderful, energetic spectacle. Like any other year, I took it all in with supreme delight, and I also took some notes. What follows are said notes, and so we're clear, please read what I wrote last year so that I can (mostly) avoid redundancy. And some of this stuff just popped up as I was watching, so I don't know that it all directly relates to the weekend's events.

Also, if you're looking for more coverage: John Hollinger reviews the proceedings in his characteristically humorless, almost depressing fashion. And, just because he likes us so much, Bill Simmons weighs in with a long, mostly boring, and embarrassingly out-of-touch column that is probably racist on some level. From Snoop Dogg to Maria Sharapova-as-hot (she really isn't), Bill comes through with his usual assortment of cringe-worthy references and inside jokes that most of us stopped making anywhere between 18 months and five years ago. Worst offense? He had never heard NBA all-star weekend referred to as the "black Super Bowl" before last week. I know he's from Boston and went to Holy Cross, but come on. This is the same man, though, who missed out on Anchorman for a year and finally got around to writing about it just in time to seem like a socially handicapped ten-year-old, so I guess no one should be all that surprised. Can't Stop the Bleeding nails it, as usual.

Friday Night

Not as lazy as he usually looks

This has become the most underrated part of the weekend because it is effectively an AND 1-style pick-up game, and everyone likes that. Sloppy, ragged basketball can grow tedious, overwhelming an audience hungry for superlative skill with the absent cohesion and maddening decision making. But it can also serve as a wonderful reminder of the elite athleticism required to succeed in the NBA. This game was also even more definitive proof that Chris Paul is a movement. Who wouldn't want to play with him? And how can you not love his game? His vision, his speed, his selflessness--the guy is amazing. Chauncey Billups is having an MVP-like season, and he runs the point ably for the Pistons, but at his essence, he's a combo guard who wants to score. As a result, I think he's of a different mold than the pure point guards in the Association, and of that group, Chris Paul has to be seen as among the absolute best. After Kidd and Nash, who else do you want running your team?

It was also nice seeing Charlie Villanueva throwing down alley-oops. The guy has this subdued demeanor about him, he doesn't have eyebrows, and he opts for lay-ups over dunks with alarming regularity, so you start to think that he's lazy and crazy. But you also forget that the he's a great athlete who was thought to possess the best combination of skills among a UConn team last year that included NBA players-to-be Hilton Armstrong, Marcus Williams, and Rudy Gay.

Saturday Night

Definitely getting in on the celebrity power walking at next year's event

- First of all, Saturday night was a fine reminder that the NBA got back together with hip-hop for this year's all-star weekend after that galling departure from the norm last season. It's been over a year and I still can't believe that Big and Rich performed. What's next, they're gonna record a new song for College Gameday? Wait, don't answer that. Anyway, On Saturday night, we got Paul Wall, Chris Brown, Ciara, Mike Jones, Bun B--you name it. And it didn't stop there: the weekend's soundtrack was a collage of Houston and mainstream hip-hop, as everyone from Lil' Flip to Destiny's Child to Eminem got love from the television productions. It's not like I'm dying for this Houston movement to persist, and I don't understand why we couldn't have gotten the Geto Boys involved somehow, but I'll take real music over that country dalliance any year.

- Another key theme of the weekend was the Rehabiliation of Kobe (that's capitalized because I am almost certain that it's a David Stern-sanctioned program), and that started early on Saturday night with the "touching" story of Kobe inviting some kid he met during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina to all-star weekend. I guess that's what he'll get his wife in lieu of a $4 million ring next time. What a great guy!

- My job keeps me busy during most weekdays, and I sleep a lot on the weekends, so I've never been to an NBA practice, but I've read about them, and if you have also then you know that the players shoot a lot of halfcourt shots. But if you hadn't read about NBA practices prior to this weekend, you only needed to watch that lame WNBA marketing gimmick to come to the same conclusion about the halfcourt shooting. I mean, it's not a coincidence that Tony Parker and Kobe Bryant each needed only one attempt to hit from almost fifty feet away. Or that Tracy McGrady needed only two. Instead of trotting out attention whores like Magic Johnson (see below) and WNBA players that most NBA fans couldn't care less about and resent since the incessant advertising is annoying, the NBA should implement a new Saturday-night contest. Four players with either known hostilities or the potential for epic rivalries--like Kobe and LeBron (did you watch them on Sunday? These are not men who want to buy matching outfits and motorcycles)--are each given $20,000 with which they make a series of bets/challenges revolving around halfcourt shots. The winner gets all the money, $80,000. The format is loose, allowing for maximum betting, hostility, and testosterone. Maybe one year, Kobe challenges LeBron, McGrady, and Wade to a shooting contest in order to crown the King of the Perimeter. Or maybe Qyntel Woods, Vin Baker, Chris Andersen, and Ruben Patterson engage in a shooting exhibition to determine the King of All Vices. When I had my End of the Bench game on and poppin', I once wrote that the NBA should have an off-season one-on-one tournament. If that can't happen, this should.

- MAGIC JOHNSON SHOULD BE BANNED FROM THE NBA. Sorry for "yelling," but I feel really strongly about this. Not only does Magic fail to add anything to a broadcast or event, but he actually detracts from everything in which he's involved because he requires everyone's attention, wastes the brain cells of his audience, and causes a lot of cursing and unhealthy emotions.

The guy is a complete moron who only says the most obvious things. During the dunk contest, he would say stuff like, "That dunk would have been better if he had gotten it the first time." No way! You really think so, Magic? That must be the kind of brilliant insight that comes with five championships, I guess. And when it's not something obvious, it's something worthless, like, "I like him because that's the kind of guy that I am." What does that mean?!?!?!?!?!

On top of all that, he ruins the dynamics of the TNT studio show because everyone kisses his ass. And that's only when Charles and Magic aren't trying to exclude Kenny. With Magic on the set, Ernie Johnson's job is infinitely harder since everything Magic says is either: obvious but delivered with a slow delivery meant to connote authority, placing the onus on the moderator (Johnson) to find a way to get past the mundane or quotidian without offending a legend; or flat out wrong/stupid, forcing Johnson to break the uncomfortable tension when everyone knows Magic is off or jerk the conversation back onto its rightful course if Kenny and Charles are subconsciously feeling indulgent and run with Magic's nebulous idiocy.

And he needs to fire his tailor, because Magic's are the only suits I've seen that look like flowing robes. I realize he's a bigger dude these days, and maybe a narrow cut doesn't really flatter him, but does he really need all that extra fabric up around the neck and chest? And fade those vests.

- Um yeah, so at this point Eva Longoria is on more nationally televised basketball programs than the Hornets or Clippers. In what might become the most unlikely of all succession plans, is it possible that Eva has Jackie Christie potential? Now that Doug Christie is gone, the L is bereft a deranged celebrity significant other. Think about it. Tony Parker doesn't go anywhere without her; she gets on the court pretty quickly when she wants to; and she has become a part of the NBA cultural fabric to the point that I think of her as Tony's girlfriend before I think of her as an actress (I guess it doesn't help that I've never watched a single minute of Desperate Housewives). The Spurs aren't collectively crazy enough to fight with another team in the tunnel during an exhibition game, so it's unlikely that Eva will have a chance to insinuate herself into some kind of players-and-crazy-girlfriend/wife-only fracas, but I don't think we're too far away from hand signals. And at that point, what would keep her from being like Jackie Christie? I'm told that Eva is quite a manipulator on her television program, so would it be hard to envision her as the jealous type who would forbid Tony from looking at other women or preclude the possibility by spending every waking moment with him?


Skeelz

- This is a debate people will have all the time for the next twenty years, and the skills event proved nothing, but I'm just wondering, is Dwyane Wade LeBron's equal? Is he better? LeBron has the better body, LeBron has the better jumper (somehow), and LeBron can play an all-court PG game better than Wade. But Wade is better in crunch time, he's no slouch as a playmaker, and he is a relentless competitor. Like Kobe, Wade wants to attack you constantly. And I don't mean that he only wants to dunk. I am talking attack in a Scottie Pippen sense; in the basketball I.Q. sense. There isn't a spot on the floor from which Wade can't hurt you, and he seems so cerebral--he processes the game like Kidd does and Bird did. He just has this preternatural ability to understand who's gonna be where and what should happen. It's uncanny, and he wields it with sublime utility. It makes him effective like few other players. More effective than LeBron? Well, let's discuss...


Disappointingly not (as) awkward this year...

- Aside from marveling at the beautiful strokes that some of these players have (not so fast, Q), this event doesn't do much for me. But the sheer joy engendered when watching these expert shooters flex the strength and muscle memory required of top-line marksmen is pretty captivating.

- In what became a bitterly disappointing trend over the course of the weekend, Dirk made it through his interview without saying anything awkward or sounding too Euro.


Best dunk in a long time

- In true Knicks fashion, Nate Robinson couldn't even "win" this event the right way. Honestly, he shouldn't have won; Andre Iguodala was robbed. Nate's dunks were good, and the joint when he flew over Spud Webb was amazing, but most of his appeal stemmed from his height, obviously. I can appreciate his enormous leaping ability, but that doesn't make him a better dunker than Andre Iguodala. That makes him a higher jumper, or a greater physical attraction. And it's kind of an insult to past champions that this little dude won. I mean, Spud was enough, and that was 20 years ago. Did Nate really assemble a collection of dunks better than Iguodala's? On par with Michael and Dominique? And we can't neglect that fact that Robinson needed about 300 attempts to nail two dunks.

Iguodala was awesome, and the one from behind the backboard is one of the greatest dunks I've ever seen. Don't front--he caught it off the backboard, leaned his head back so that he wouldn't hit it on the way up, and slammed it on the other side of the rim. Most basketball players, let alone humans, cannot do that.

- The Rehabilitation of Kobe was in full effect. At the beginning of the event, as the cameras would pan over to the players sitting courtside so that we could see their reactions, my dad and I noticed that Kobe was usually just standing there grinning like an idiot amongst a throng of his peers who were all interacting with each other but not him. It seemed contrived, as though the league was like, "Let's show everyone how approachable and down-to-earth Kobe is." I don't think it worked, though, because we were wondering if anybody was friendly with Kobe or if they just let him stand there next to them. Later, when Iguodala walked over to Kobe in between dunks for "counseling"--well, that seemed a little too convenient also. But maybe I'm also just a hater.

- Why was Iguodala wearing a tunic on the bench in between dunks?

- There needs to be a limit on attempts allowed per dunk.

- Another theme of the weekend that finally fomented during the dunk contest was the running attempt to make the Knicks the butt of every joke possible. I'd like to congratulate Isiah Thomas for making that a reality. I can't wait until Darius Miles comes to town.

- Aside from Iguodala's transcendent dunk, my personal highlight of the event was Kenny Smith rigging his vote at the end of "regulation" to force a dunk off.

- Terrell Owens is officially one of Shaq's weed carriers.


Sunday Night

Break it down!

- See the picture directly above? The East starters dancing was the epitome of why the NBA's all-star weekend is such a triumphant moment every year. So much energy and charisma. Wow, that was awesome. And as my father is fond of saying, Shaq has to be one of the all-time cool dudes.

- LeBron James is fond of the Roc, just in case you hadn't noticed yet.

- Who is Jann Arden?

- The closest we got to a classic Nowitzki moment this weekend was when he had some creepy grin on his face during the Destiny's Child national anthem.

- You know that commercial for the NBA during which Steve Nash hits a lay-up against the Knicks as some voiceover dude talks about the NBA stoically? Well two things: 1) I don't think I'm just being paranoid, but I'd like confirmation from Wes or Reef on this--why do so many highlights seem to happen against the Knicks? 2) That cute little move of Nash's? It's a travel. The NBA should find some promotional footage that doesn't entail a player breaking the rules of the sport.

- Marv Albert must announce all NBA games ever. We don't even need to vote on this. Jones has my back.

- No righty loves finishing with his left more than Tracy McGrady. Sadly, we don't get to see this enough because TMac settles for too many bullshit jump shots. I think one of the biggest differences between Kobe or Wade or even James and TMac is that the fourth is far too happy to settle for jumpers while the other three attack the rim for four quarters. Maybe not on every touch, but for an entire game. After the first quarter, TMac is usually looking to pull up or put up a three.

- The uniforms were horrible. Among other things, they made Shaq look pregnant.

- And while we're talking about McGrady and clothes, it's not really a good thing when Derek Fisher is a sartorial trendsetter, so TMac and everyone else should take those headbands off of their ears.

- Rehabilitation of Kobe: Am I the only person who was terrified when TNT played the clips of Kobe mic'd up? He seemed like a character in a movie who tries too hard to seem like a nice guy while simultaneously fighting to keep his malice under control. I watched Saw 2 this weekend, and nothing in that was as scary or discomforting as the noises coming from Bryant after he got tangled up with Shaq. I mean, that was the kind of laughter we hear from crazy people.

- Also, Kobe is so good and such a great scorer that at this point, any time he passes to a teammate, it seems like an act of benevolence.

- Who is Carrie Underwood?

- John Legend has been hitting the weights.

- Charles Barkley is the walking analog for "no homo." I'm a Charles fan, but man is he a homophobe.

Quick Lanks


Obviously familiar with Carmelo Anthony's cinematic endeavors

- So Busta is finna earn his spot in the Stop Snitching hall of fame, huh? Paging HR...

- And while over there, peep HR's dope ideas for social snitching sites. I would hope that all of those sites would have subtitles like "...let me find out you got men around my kids..."

- All Thangs Funky and Brother B are back! Peep game.

- Ian has his year-end music lists up, and as expected, they're rather well done.

- Schembech re-up.

2.20.2006

Music for a Monday


Nothing says "hard" like a nice post-game chardonnay

Post-all-star weekend post coming this afternoon. Until then...

MIKE DUNLEAVY GETS GULLY!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!1!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, this is like a week old, but it is just...so...fucking...good. That's him talking in the background while some reporter interviews Mickael Pietrus. What a lovely young man, that kid from Duke. (Big up, Toyochin.)

- Cam'ron, "Wet Wipes"
I'm not impressed.

- Ne-Yo ft. Ghostface Killah, "Get Down Like That (Remix)"
I'm not really feelin' this, either. Included because of, well, y'all know why.

- Lupe Fiasco, "The Commercial"
Audio is ripped from some mixtape. Sorry for the voiceover crap. Peep the simple but booming drums on this.

- Murs, "Dream Chasers" (prod. by 9th Wonder)
Is everyone still running around acting all cool by hating on 9th Wonder? If so, have fun without me.

- And finally, you know how 50 kinda wastes the beat on "Not Rich, Still Lyin'"? Well, he might not have even gotten the beat right, let alone done anything worthwhile with it. Peep Inspectah Deck's "City High." I know, this joint is not new; I remembered it this week as I basked in the Wu-Tang glow. Which do y'all think is better? They have different tempos and feels and purposes, and I think Deck's fits his flow nicely. But which is better? I can't really tell which I prefer. Depends on my mood.

2.19.2006

Oh I Think They Like Me

Straight Bangin' goes international. Peep game.

Season Over


Things fall apart

I think it's a wrap on the Michigan basketball season. Please chime in over here...

2.17.2006

Happy Birthday, Straight Bangin'


Even the raping self-proclaimed "stoppers" of rapists read Straight Bangin'

This internet has been an internet on the internets for one year as of today. Were this Straight Bangin's one-hundred-and-eleventieth birthday, I'd have to slip on my ring and make a not-so-clean getaway. But it's not, so I guess I'll stick with this "blogging" thing until then. Oh, and for the record, this is how it all started.

I want to thank every reader who has stopped by this interweb and spent some time reading my usually scattershot thoughts about whatever it was that I was obsessing about. (Wow that was an ugly sentence.) There were more than 120,000 of you. Yes, that's a fifth of Kos's daily numbers, but it's more people than I will ever meet.

My favorite thing about internetting is that interwebs allow us all to make connections, a paradox given the anonymous nature of the internets. Don't believe me? See here. This site has been a platform from which I have made friends, both real and cyber, and found catharsis. It has also encouraged dialogue and provided me with an outlet for so many thoughts, ideas, and opinions that I cannot always share in the real world with such satisfying results.

Again, thank you for stopping by, and if you haven't done so, please participate. Leave me a comment. Tell me I'm an idiot. Tell me about your site. Tell me that Houston hip-hop is awesome; that the Celtics of the 80s were better than the Russell Celtics; that Leave No Child Behind has worked; that sandals with tube socks looks good. Big up an opinion because you thought you were the only one who had it. Big up Tribe; big up TMac; big up Al Gore; big up silk knots. Whatever you want. Just participate. That's what makes this shit fun.

And also, thanks to all the bloggers who keep me hungry, who keep me humble, who keep me laughing, who keep me listening, and who keep me thinking. Ian and Ian and James and Taj and Orson and Stranko and Brian and Johnny and Stacey and Jon (massive drive failure at diary-x = no links) and Brandon and Wes and Rafi and HR and Paul and Bol and Reef and everyone else. Dear readers, if you haven't done so, check out these links, and check out all the permanent links to your left. My blogroll is overdue for an overhaul by about ten months, and I will be correcting that this weekend, but please, keep reading. Go through the archives of this site and peep all of the game I've recommended. It's worth your time. There are so many talented people out there.

Ok, that's enough. As some mixtape DJ once said at the end of some moderately good, moderately upbeat song, "Fuck all that happy shit; let's get back to the street-hop."

Enjoy the Wu-Tang Clan...

Getting the Band Back Together: Wu-Tang in Concert


"This right here, this is the triumph" - RZA

While some of you spent Tuesday night out at dinner, out at an event, or just plain making out, I spent it with ten gully black men and a lot of white people who need to wash their hair.

I'll get back to the gully set in a moment. But first, the white people in question. Some of you probably already know this, but for those of you who don't, allow me to relieve you of your ignorance: like many other groups of people, white folks have hair. (Just not those named "Tony Kornheiser," as he'll readily tell you.) This "hair" needs to be washed with shampoo or some other sort of aromatic cleaning agent on a consistent basis, or else is can get oily, it can get matted down, and it can start to smell foul. Unfortunately for those of us who can both see and smell, there is a notable plurality of white people that has eschewed this otherwise standard hair maintenance, instead embracing a purposely derelict-looking aesthetic. These people seem to have decided that they always want to look dirty and as if they have just gotten out of bed following a turbulent evening of sleep during which their head rubbed against the pillow in a fashion that sent the hair dashing off in an odd direction.

You have probably seen these people. A lot of them love Eminem, Good Charlotte, and Pabst Blue Ribbon (although those that love the PBR might just be rich hipsters trying to seem ironic as though they couldn't afford shampoo or clothes that actually fit). Well guess what: sadly, a lot of them also love the Wu-Tang Clan and show up at Wu-Tang concerts unshowered, smelling stale, and ready to rap along to their favorite angry music. Even sadder, apparently a lot of them were working until 9 PM on Tuesday, as I was, because I was standing amidst a throng of these unkempt types once I arrived to see the first Wu-Tang show in New York since the passing of ODB, and it was almost nauseating. Literally. I mean, that smell...

Some people are probably totally out of sorts right now. Doesn't the Wu-Tang Clan make rap music about violence? Aren't most of their fans, you know, like, black and stuff? I don't work with the hippest people, and even my "hip" friends don't know much about hip-hop music, and thus, I should probably clarify for anyone in these groups or anyone who has heard of the Wu-Tang Clan but doesn't really know what they're all about that they have a diverse following. And that's mostly a good thing. Just not when it draws so many people who hate showering. But that's not the point, really. On Tuesday, the crowd was roughly 50% black, 40% white, and 10% "other," and that makes sense, if you think about it. Between the pseudo-mystical mythology; the Islam; the cocaine raps; the kung-fu movies; and the bizarre crossover appeal previously enjoyed by Ol' Dirty Bastard, Wu-Tang is bringing something for everyone to the table.

And so it was that this mixed group of fans witnessed what was likely one of the more coherent performances ever turned in by this large, famously disorganized crew that just might be the most influential rap group ever. That's not written in stone, but when you consider the group's catalogue; it and its members' enduring popularity in the face of hip-hop fads like the Shiny Suit era; archetypal diversified business model; and, most importantly, undeniable talents and contributions to how hip-hop music was and is made--well, you have to at least consider it.

As noted, I rolled up a little later than I usually might for a hip-hop event, so I missed the introductory acts and extracurriculars--the bad rappers, the protracted and unnecessary waiting, the usual array of house music. When I stepped in the arena, some weed-carrier hype man was just finishing up his routine and quickly, Allah Mathematics got behind the turntables to provide the musical direction for the evening. He started off strong, throwing on the instrumental from RZA and MF's "Biochemical Equation." Talk about a perfect beat for the occasion--it's dramatic, it seems to asymptotically build toward some kind of crescendo, and it is the sort of strings-heavy distorted sound that smacks of the Wu. But it wouldn't have been a hip-hop show unless there were some false hope built into the proceedings, and so right as the beat was riding and heads were feeling it, the crowd was asked if it was ready for the Wu-Tang--and let me tell you, people were, as evidenced by the loud response and omnipresent "W" being thrown up by everyone with two hands--and we got...Trife Diesel doing his verse from "Biscuits."

I love me some "Biscuits," but I gotta say this: rappers need to stay away from invoking the respective years in which their respective rhymes are being recorded and from invoking the names of non-legendary professional athletes. If you are confident that you can drop something enduring like Flavor Flav or Souls of Mischief, I will waive the first stipulation. But Trife's verse--"...And n***as keep they heat blazin' like Bonzi Wells..."--sounds horrible now that Bonzi has nothing to do with the Portland Trail Blazers. It didn't even sound good when I first heard it because Wells wasn't even on the Blazers then, but at least he had recently played for them. Do you want to talk about Michael Jordan? Go ahead. Even Kobe is fine since he's on his way to the hall of fame. But Bonzi Wells? Come on.

But I digress. Anyway, just as I was getting ready for some "Cocaine Trafficking" and who knows what else from the Theodore Unit, Biscuits cut off and that was that. So now it was time for the Wu, right? Sort of. Mathematics threw on a Streetlife beat and sure enough, Streetlife came out to spit a verse. When that was over, the anticipation was mounting because the terms of the weed-carrier contracts had been fulfilled--they had gotten to rap--and there was no one left but the act we had actually come to see.

And that's when the pecking order emerged. To introduce each member, Mathematics threw on a solo joint to bring out the MC, and each MC did a verse and chorus from his own song. Take a minute to guess the lineup...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

Time's up. If you haven't gotten it by now, you lack the minerals and vitamins. It was:
Cappadonna
U-God
Masta Killah
Inspectah Deck
RZA
GZA
Raekwon
Ghostface Killah
Method Man

I think that makes sense, although you know I'm putting Ghostface last and I could see putting RZA behind Deck and Masta Killah. Yeah, the former has no profile since Uncontrolled Substance was years ago and no one cared about The Movement. And yeah, the latter has no charisma while RZA is not only the backbone of the operation but a beloved musical figure. But still...

Anyway, that was the lineup, and it doubled as an almost perfectly accurate prediction of who would be the most entertaining, going from worst to first. I write almost for several reasons: 1) Cappadonna's personal saga has made him nearly endlessly captivating even if his music is weak. You just never know when he will co-opt a show and spew some venom about this, that, and driving a cab. 2) RZA was involved in nearly everything, even when he wasn't rapping, and that was a stark contrast to GZA, who looked like he had other plans for Valentine's Day.

And really, that's the gift and the curse of catching a Wu-Tang show. If you're a big fan, you celebrate the entire catalogue and want everyone--from U-God to Meth--to give you hits and classics and energy and attention and all that. But it can't be done with a finite amount of time, the conventions of hip-hip concerts, and the realities of a nine-man group. You gotta stick with the hits and what has sold. That's why an MC like the GZA can get bored. And yet, you don't want to sacrifice any of the collaborative music--I mean, you must hear "Triumph," right?--so that you can hear a few more tracks from Liquid Swords or No Said Date. Overall, the Clan did a good job of balancing these competing desires. The crowd got all of its favorites from the Wu-Tang records--most of Enter the Wu-Tang, "Reunited," "Triumph"--and the solo joints--think Cappadonna's verse from "Winter Warz"; "Ice Cream"; "Da Rockwilder"; etc.

Predictably, Masta Killah, U-God, Inspectah Deck, and GZA lost their steam pretty quickly and spent the time that they weren't rapping hanging around the back or the wings, taking off and putting on jackets, and halfheartedly rapping along while their peers spit their verses. In fact, by the third song of the concert, U-God was getting blunted on stage. No joke. Meth had the most energy and was all over the place, crowd surfing, dancing, speaking during breaks in the action, and, of course, rapping. RZA was kind of like Meth's assistant master of ceremonies, explaining things to the crowd and challenging it to be louder and better than the one in Baltimore. Raekwon and Ghostface just did their thing as the team players and featured performers that they are. Cappadonna was intermittently into it, rhyming or assisting the other Clan members at some points, standing in the back and looking jealous at others. Generally, the set flowed smoothly from song to song, and the Wu gave fans a solid two hours of music.

Of course, there was an ODB tribute. At one point, all of the lights were turned off as the crowd pushed up its lighters/cell phones and rapped along to "Shimmy Shimmy" and my all-time favorite out-of-control banger "Brooklyn Zoo." Dirt Dog's mother came out, too, so take that Violetta Wallace.

Some remainders:
- You know I couldn't get through an entire Wu-Tang post without mentioning the Tony Starks insanity that is among the most exciting reasons to check out the Clan. Where to start? Well, how about when he single-handedly stopped the concert to complain about hip-hop? In the middle of the show, Ghost got up at the front of the stage and had Mathematics cut off the music before throwing on "Laffy Taffy" so that Ghostface could berate the crowd for requesting "bullshit" songs like that one on MTV, BET, and radio. At one point, he said "I don't know if y'all is fuckin' with me; playin' with me; or playin' me" (emphasis added).

Or how about when he called Wu-Tang the "Super Friends" as he said "Y'all is looking at some fucking superheroes on stage. The Super Friends."

And there was also his incessant fixation on the lights. At his own shows, he gives out commandments regarding the lights the whole time. Turn them down, turn them up, give me the blue light, give me the red light, etc. The same was true on Valentine's Day, as Ghost demanded (to no avail) the red and blue lights at various moments. If the blue light comes on, it's time for Ghost to take the crowd back to the 70s soul music he loves so much, but to my chagrin, that was not in the cards on Tuesday.

- Starks et al. kept yelling at the crowd, imploring it to "Go cop that Fish Scale" as though the record were available in stores right now. It was pretty bizarre.

- The RZA concluded the night by noting that he, Raekwon, Dr. Dre and Jay Dee had been working on Cuban Linx 2 and that it would be out real soon. I couldn't tell if RZA just had Jay Dee on his mind and threw him in by accident or if this was actually a true statement. Honestly, when the Wu-Tang is involved, I don't really care to differentiate fact from fiction.

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2.16.2006

Bleary and Aching, My Eyes Still Work


Fly that knot

Work has left my blog game bruised and battered. Sorry. I won't even front like I know what is poppin' off on the internets right now. Are heads still talking about Busta? I know we're still missing Jay Dee. I guess the point is that you'll have to pardon me if this is all old news.

- Have you started reading Passion of the Weiss on the regular yet? If not: what's wrong with you? You're missing posts like this, the ones that take the thoughts right out of your head.

- Peep game: BlogCuban.com. My man B puts it down hilariously.

- Peep game: KobeHater.com. More from B. This site is effectively my mission statement, although I can't front on Kobe's game. I just don't like him. Don't get it twisted.

- If you read this site on the regular, you know that I spend my time listening to hippity-hop, watching basketball, making fun of nearly everything (Star and Buc are my idols), and pretending that George Bush never happened. What you might not know is that I spend a lot of heterosexual time worrying about clothes. And not just mine: I have written about how awful open-toed shoes look, for instance. But, yeah, I'm a "clothes horse"--I picked my apartment because of the closet space; I once stopped talking to a friend of mine because she got bleach on a beloved t-shirt; and I spend all year every year attempting to perfect a certain yachting WASP aesthetic best seen in the summertime when the pink and yellow and baby blue get rocked like they were running out.

No single entity feeds this obsession more readily than Brooks Brothers, a company in whose locations I have spent far too much money that I don't have. I can't walk by a Brooks Brothers without losing an hour of my life, and I'm one of the few men in the world who would rather wear a tie. (I just think we look our best when we're all dappered up. Lots of women seem to agree. As does David Stern--Q.E.D., MFers. And don't even try to come with that "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" bullshit. Grow up.) I mean, I once spent an afternoon watching basketball and mastering the Windsor knot.

Anyway, you can only imagine how strongly I recommend that all people, especially men, read this shit right here. It's like the Bible, just without the moral teachings, hallucinatory violence, and religious applications.

- Mos Def not caring for his kids? Peep:
"His estranged wife, Maria Yepes-Smith (Mos Def's real name is Dante Smith), says that he's failed the pay the full $10,000-a-month for their two daughters that he's owed for the first two months of the year, only paying $8,000 each time. Mos Def's lawyer claims that his business obligations, plus supporting three other children, are making it difficult."
This is really going to disappoint all the people who were ready to embrace Mos as the paradigm for a hip-hop Vitruvian man.

- Be honest, is there anyone left who actually likes the record industry? And isn't this kind of pathetic, and even funny, once you get beyond how galling it is? Only in music do you have people in charge actively working against the talent. Say what you will about the No Fun League or even idiots like Isiah Thomas, but really, does any group of people effectively alienate its subordinate partners worse than the record executives? When Kanye West is playing at Madison Square Garden, or when Ghostface can sell out a concert hall, do you think either of them is pissed off that someone is downloading music to learn more about the artists? The economic model for this industry is obsolete and all these rich white dudes are freaking out. If they want to sell more records, they might consider: 1) Making the older CD's less money than the new ones; 2) No longer pumping out bullshit. There are always going to be idiots that will buy Mike Jones albums, but if there is more music in circulation that people really like, there will be more people willing to support those artists. I have yet to neglect paying for something from Little Brother. Or Common. Or De La. Nome sane?

- Peep my man Dan Schwartz's reggae podcast at noon. Dude knows his shit.

2.14.2006

Gotta Check Out the W


Rough like Timberland wear...

It's goin' down tonight: gulliest Valentine's Day ever. It'll probably be a good look for Apache.

Lots to check up on:
- Don't forget Dilla. Ian has much more (get it?).

- Flocabulary is putting the "there's no excuse to be ignorant" back into "hip-hop." (OK, that makes no sense.) Seriously, though, peep the knowledge getting dropped. Nice work, kid!

- For about the millionth time in the last week, I overheard some Hispanic kid on the street today yelling out n***a this and n***a that. It made me think about this post and whether that word: 1) should be used at all; 2) should be used by people who aren't black. I feel pretty strongly that the answer to the second one is that it shouldn't. I don't know that I have an answer for the first one. I do know that I think it's a bad thing that so many non-black people have adopted the n-word as some kind of generic pronoun.

- This news is well aligned with my Grammys observations of Jay. Look, dude, I hate to say it, but you're tired. The Black Album wasn't that good (about half of it was not really worth my time); you probably don't have much to say aside from more raps about what you want to bequeath Memph Man; and it's hard to take you seriously as this diversified businessman (business man?) when you won't step out of the spotlight and keep running around playing rapper in the dapper suits. Do you want to rap? That's fine, but then let someone else run that label, because other artists want to eat. Like, seriously, just go throw on your chancletas and pick one. Oh, and where Jaz-O and Sauce Money at? I'ma get back to that...

- Peep game: A Kitchen Accident

- Best post of this still nascent year. Thanks, HC.

- Roc-a-scenes (thanks, Ian)

- And speaking of Sexy-Results!, this retirement is more of an excuse for infrequent posting. Or so it seems. But I've yet to find anyone who's mad at that.

- Peep Schembech for the latest on the Michigan football off-season. And coming soon, the token Tommy Amaker Is a Douche Whose Teams Have a Habit of Quitting post. Should be a happy, vitriolic mess. When I can get control of my emotions.

- Peep game: Fire Lloyd and Tommy. Well, sort of. Brady, I see you.

- Happy Birthday, Every Day Should Be Saturday! In one year, it has become one of the best sports blogs around, and a leader for all things college football. Funny, sassy, admirably smart--a blog all others should aspire to match in quality. The Michigan one-piece jumper is in the mail.

- Peep game: Feel Me Good Tunes

2.13.2006

Thank You, Jay Dee


Hip-hop genius

Now that he has tragically passed, James Yancey, known to hip-hop heads as "Jay Dee" or one of its variations, should get his name written into the dictionary on the right-hand side of the colon or hyphen used to separate the word "overlook" from its definition. According to the good book, the American Heritage Dictionary, overlook can mean "to fail to notice or consider," and that, sadly, is what we can say many did of Jay Dee. There were plenty of hip-hop fans who knew Dilla's work and recognized his talent, but Jay Dee wielded a musical influence and a creative reach that, to this point, eclipse those of better-known producers like Scott Storch, Just Blaze, The Neptunes, and, perhaps even Kanye West. And yet, how many of all those people who like that one song by Common about light; how many kids who show up at Roots shows because they "think it's cool that they play their own instruments"; how many people who know that they're supposed to cite Tribe as one of the best hip-hop groups--how many of them have ever taken the time to recognize Jay Dee's significance to music?

My words are not hyperbole born of grief or audacity born of mourning. Rather, they are carefully chosen after years of fandom and a recent intense scrutiny of Jay Dee's work that only served to reinforce my esteem for a hip-hop genius. Just look at the man's amazing catalogue. Or, consider the joints I've included below. Think of all the music moments he helped to create, or the many styles he mastered or helped to popularize. Minimalism; cluttered; jazzy soul; electronic; instrument-heavy; sample-driven--the man did it all.

For the past month or so, I've been rocking Slum Village albums and Jay Dee instrumentals on my iPod each day to, from, and during work. When you do this, you quickly come to understand that Jay Dee's ear for music and deft ability to manipulate the most intricate sounds were truly rare gifts. Simply put, the man assembled rich soundscapes. And I don't mean "rich" like busy, or rich like blaring. I mean rich like witty; like emotional; like compelling. A Dilla beat was soulful, and it didn't need horns or choirs to tell you so. It was gritty and heartfelt, a little off in the best sort of way, and you could always hear that precision musicianship--in the stiff drums, the playful bass lines, the somber samples. Much like the city he repped to the death (as some might say), Detroit, Dilla made music that was imperfect and accessible in its complexity, creativity, and raw presentation.

Despite these consistent traits, though, Jay Dee's beats were varied, and he proved to be a producer in full. From the infectious energy of S Villa's "Raise It Up" to the lazy meandering of "Nag Champa" from Common; or the staccato breaks and haunting horn loop of Tribe's "Start It Up" to Slum's electronic defiance on "Who We Are," Dilla was always experimenting. This ability to create music for all moods helped to distinguish him from his peers, many of whom were limited in their range and sadly adherent to only a few formulas. The experimentation was not always a success--plenty of Tribe fans still revile The Love Movement given the relative whimper with which the group left us; Busta never sounds quite right over a Dilla beat--but the willingness to try was not only engaging, but worthy of praise. If people want to dick ride Kanye West, lauding him for his "ambitious" Late Registration, then they should also be praising Dilla for trying to help Pharcyde follow up Bizarre Ride; for authoring the De La song that may have surpassed anything Prince Paul ever made when seeking the definitive De La track; for creating beats so textured that ?uestlove and other technical masters couldn't help but fawn in appreciation.

Finally, as we reflect upon a brilliant career sadly cut short, let us also recognize the paradox of our actions: Now that Dilla is gone and not to return, he may warrant a reputation for his masterful reintroductions. I can still remember where I was when I heard "1nce Again" after what seemed like an eternity, waiting for Tribe to follow up Midnight Marauders; my frantic glee as I heard "Runnin'" for the first time; the incredible excitement with which I was filled when "Thelonius" dropped; and, perhaps most significant, the reaffirmation of hip-hop's seductiveness as I strolled along State Street in Ann Arbor playing Fantastic, Vol. 2 after tearing off the packaging. Amidst the bling-bling decadence of the Cash Money Millionaires, the ersatz drama of mainstream Eminem, and the lamentable emptiness of so much else, Slum Village's music stood out as a better brand of hip-hop, one replete with colorful MCs, lyrics worthy of my attention, and captivating beats that cradled the words and made you say, "This is real!" That's always gonna be J Dilla for me, the man who helped reintroduce hip-hop.

Thanks, dun.

- A Tribe Called Quest, "1nce Again"

- De La Soul, "Stakes Is High"

- Common, "The Movement"

- Pharcyde, "Runnin'"

- Busta Rhymes, "Show Me What You Got"

- The Roots, "Dynamite"

- Jaylib, "Starz"

- Slum Village, "Eyes Up"

- Slum Village, "Conant Gardens"

- Slum Village, "Fall in Love"

- Jay Dee, "Time - The Donut of the Heart"

- Jay Dee, "Signs"

- Jay Dee, "Grannie"

Interesting Week Ahead

I'm finna hit you with:
- Music, as always
- The Jay Dee retrospective
- A review of the Wu-Tang reunion show on 2/14
- NBA all-star weekend prep
- Bucket blogging
- February's soul mixtape

Should be good. Time permitting...

2.12.2006

Music for a Sunday?

I want to give Dilla the attention he deserves, so I am throwing up some music for a Monday on a Sunday (albeit late). Enjoy.

Papoose, "Love Is a Battlefield"
Better than sampling Newsies or reformed Christian rockers. Still pretty hilarious. More of that Papoose cyborg flow. Never good when a Pat Benatar vocal sample gives the track all of its emotion. Also, he says "I love gettin' gully" and " I love kosher food" in the same verse. I don't see those being congruent concepts, not least of all because no one likes kosher food. Can we thus assume that once/if Pap gets his major-label record out, he'll tour with Matisyahu as the opener?

Raekwon, "Who Wudda Thought" (snippet)
Just a minute long, so sorry for the brevity. Raekwon does a back-in-the-day joint over some easy-listening beat that strikes me as something I heard in an elevator last week.

Rhymefest, "Go Out Clothes"
Coming to a club near you? Maybe a hook- and gimmick-loving Top-40 station too?

2.09.2006

Housekeeping


Escobar season has returned

- Straight Bangin' on Mark Cuban vs. Phil Jackson.

- Straight Bangin' goes to the Grammys.

- Feel free to stop watching the NBA on ABC: Mike Breen is coming to a lead-announce team near you! This is horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE news because Mike Breen might be the most aggravating play-by-play man in the NBA. Some homers are funny, but Breen is just soporific and pedantic, a terrible combination. Honestly, WHO LIKES THIS GUY? And, if you're raising your hand: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

The Kornheiser news makes me nervous. I am devoted to Pardon the Interruption and I love Tony (). I think he could be funny, and I think he could elevate the overall level of discourse common to a Monday Night Football broadcast. But I also think he could be cheesy and annoying in that format, one that doesn't traditionally value the wit that makes PTI so strong. Also, Tony can be a little didactic and even bland when he and his collaborators lack chemistry, a problem he obviously avoids with Wilbon. I hope it works out.

- Remember what I wrote the other day about Nas gunning for Cam and/or Lil' Wayne and/or 50? Well, Will's post makes me think that my original inclination--that Nas was talking about Cam--was correct. We shall see...

- Here, watch the Super Bowl commercials.

- Want to hear more from intriguing MC Big Sty? Go here and launch the Big Sty iPod player.

Mark Cuban Is the Gulliest Owner in the NBA


Someone is wearing chancletas with jeans, and it's not your boy Cubes.

You know how Phil Jackson is supposed to be a big deal? Nine rings; got Michael to be the greatest; dates the boss's daughter; rides a motorcycle and does what he wants; makes more money than you; asked my mother out on a date once (no joke)? Yeah, well, Mark Cuban is an even bigger deal. And Mark Cuban just pwns motherfuckers on that website of his. In response to the usual Jackson whining--seriously, great coach and all, but he works officials off the court like nobody else--Cuban struck back. Hard. Like, "What's really hood?!" Like, "Hold on, turn the beat off." Like, he sons people. Peep it:
I Own Phil Jackson
Not literally of course. That thrill belongs to the smartest businesswoman in professional sports, Jeannie Buss. Figuratively however, the coach formerly known as the Zen Master must now be considered my bucket boy.

This wasnt an acquisition I proactively pursued. There wasnt an official competition that I won, thereby confirming my dominance of his psyche. Instead Phil has initiated an ongoing commentary about me that started in his previous stint with the Lakers and was reinstated this year with his return, that proves that I own the guy.

For whatever reason, I have gotten to Phil so completely and thoroughly that every time he comes to Dallas he has to offer unsolicited comments about me to the media. I wonder if he dreams about me the nights he spends here in Dallas. Ok, I dont wonder. Im curious about it.

How can the NBA coach with so many championship rings find me so intimidating ? I really dont know, but he said as much in December when he called me an “intimidating force” to the LA Times

"consider a place like Dallas, where the owner runs around, pumps up the volume, intimidates the referees and … has announcers as hired cheerleaders, which is an intimidating force.”

Then of course last night he again took the initiative to comment to the media about how I am such a presence in the NBA, that i turn the officials into “nervous nellies”. Implying that I can have more influence on the outcome of a game than his coaching skills. I wish. But if Phil wants to think so. Im fine with that. Thats what happens when you own someone, they cant get you out of their head, and they dont often think , speak or act rationally.

I guess Phil was so overwhelmed that it caused him to take back to back delay of game penalties and the technical foul that comes with it, rather than send his team out to the court at the conclusion of a timeout in the 4th quarter.

Of course the officials werent intimidated. At least no more than the other officials who have given Kobe technical fouls to the tune of a league leading 11. Maybe, instead of being so concerned with Mark Cuban, Phil should be worried about the new rule in place that causes a player to be suspended a game after he gets his 16th technical foul of the season. And if I remember correctly, every technical after 16 results in a 1 game suspension as well. Cant wait to hear what he has to say when that happens….

Of course I dont truly believe that I own Phil. This is all tongue in cheek, but that wont prevent me from walking up to him and saying “Boo” to see if he jumps, just to find out for sure :)
Update: I'd just add a few notes:
1) I wasn't gonna say nothin'...but, you know how Cuban writes:
"Of course the officials werent intimidated. At least no more than the other officials who have given Kobe technical fouls to the tune of a league leading 11. Maybe, instead of being so concerned with Mark Cuban, Phil should be worried about the new rule in place that causes a player to be suspended a game after he gets his 16th technical foul of the season. And if I remember correctly, every technical after 16 results in a 1 game suspension as well."
Well, the Lakers do return to Denver on April 6th before playing at Phoenix on April 7th. They then don't have another game until the 9th. I ain't sayin' nothin', but...what if a certain Black Mamba were to get t'd up during that Denver game for the 16th time of the season? Again, this is just a hypothetical. But, hypothetically, he'd probably have to hit the showers and then, well, he wouldn't be playing in the next game. So maybe he'd stay in Denver? So, um, yeah, he might just have to wind up slayin' lots of white girls if that happens, right? Get the...chairs...ready? I'm just sayin'...

2) If you're Phil Jackson, and your de facto wifey has already been in Playboy; and your nemesis is a god-body blogger; and said nemesis has a penchant for the sensational, well, I guess you'd just want to be careful. You wouldn't want that blogging nemesis to commit the functional equivalent of leaving condom rappers on your baby seat after skeeting in your jeep. Right?

3) How is Phil Jackson possibly gonna come back at Cuban? By beating the Mavs in the playoffs? Only if Kobe plays like the perimeter Wilt four games out of seven, and that seems unlikely. Phil doesn't blog and he has yet to really pinpoint a weakness he can exploit.

4) There is no longer any way you can not like Mark Cuban. This makes him the greatest owner of my lifetime, and maybe ever. I'm sorry. Hate on his tactics, disagree with his opinions, hold it against him that his franchise player is some awkward Euro scoring machine with questionable leadership skills--do any of that, but game must recognize game, as they say. The dude is good for the NBA.

Three and a Half Hours You Can't Get Back


We major

It's only appropriate that 2005, a horrible year in music--at least, from my perspective--was celebrated with a horrible Grammys show. I can't believe how dull and disappointing that show was. I also found it to be an unintentionally humorous reality check for those of us living here in Hip-Hop Blogsville: All of those words we use to discuss the Dip Set and the ascendant Houston hip-hop scene and Madlib and how crappy Pitchfork is--they are totally beyond the consciousness of the mainstream. And that might make what it is that we all do with so much fervor a shining example of something with internal significance and next to no external validity. What did Paul Wall win? Who did Cam perform with? How many times was "281-330-8004" shouted out? Riiiiiight. I am not hating on the blogosphere, and I am not calling for a cessation of writing. Rather, I am merely observing how far we still must go before the opinions bandied about start to matter to more people. It will happen, but it will take time.

I took some notes during the event:
- Next year, they shouldn't schedule a cartoon band to open the show, as the cartoons looked horrible. De La was nice, and the muscle tone of Madonna's legs was impressive, but the Gorillaz didn't do it for me. And they didn't do it for me when they first came out a few years ago and ripped off "Cell Therapy," either.

- Of all the jerseys in sports that could have been used to outfit those "urban" dancers who accompanied Madonna, why did they choose the nastiest-possible Bibby throwback and a boring-ass Brad Miller jersey? Brad Miller?! Yeah, that's what's hot in the streets.

- Is it just me, or is there something about Alicia Keys that always seems a tad bit off. From her look to her lines to her adlibs, she always seems a half-degree removed from reality and normalcy in a bad way.

- Sheryl Crow needs to get on the Mariah Carey diet.

- I know absolutely nothing about Coldplay except that they do that one song "Clocks" that is used in movie trailers and commercials.

- I took a lot of heat from friends when I hyped John Legend to no end (this was before my blogging days), and it's not like I really want an organization all too happy to honor the Black Eyed Peas validating my taste, but Get Lifted remains a soulful, enjoyable record. It was nice seeing Johnny L get dapped up.

- Every time I hear the words or see Big and Rich, I start to throw up in my mouth. I still haven't recovered from the abortion they performed on the opening montage of ESPN College Game Day.

- U2 strikes me as the most overrated band ever at this point. I am not a rock connoisseur, so perhaps I am missing something here, but really since Joshua Tree, what's been so great? Everything it wins now--like Album of the Fucking Year--seems like a lifetime achievement or humanitarian award since the most recent albums have ranged from bad to slightly north of mediocre. The last two have sounded really similar: they're mostly boring with a few standout tracks and a lot of forgettable strumming. And why do they have to be everywhere all the time? They're kind of driving down the value of a performance if they're always available. Which event can't get U2? I think the real problem is that their target demographic--thirty-somethings through fifty-somethings--is either already or is arriving at the pinnacle of its purchasing power, and we all know that's what drives decisions like who performs and, to some extent, who wins awards.

- All that said, it was nice to have them around so that we could be treated to the hilariously awkward moment at the end of "One" when Mary J. Blige wanted to raise Bono's hand and had to force him into it while he looked uncomfortable and seemed more interested in continuing to fake-play his guitar.

- Kanye was dressed like a new James Bond villain who would be named something like "The Matador": He'd live on a remote island somewhere in the South Pacific; his house would be built into the natural rock formations; he'd have an elevator that took passengers down to a clandestine gold mine and nuclear-weapons facility; and Jamie Foxx would be his loyal henchman, doing his master's bidding and developing into an urban legend thanks to an uncanny ability to mimic dead blind people. Seriously, what was he wearing? Those glasses? Those gloves? And no one wanted to see that raggedy-ass chest hair.

But his performance was the best of the night. Not so much the song itself--because that can be retired at this point--but the showmanship; the grand orchestration; the "tripartite movements," if you will. Wes has said that Kanye is generally a good thing for hip-hop, and I tend to agree. I thought his most recent album was garbage, and I think his personality is pretty shitty, but at least he's interesting. And at least he tries to seize each moment. There is value in that.

- Shh, Matt Dillon is trying to sleep.

- Ludacris was rocking a suit from the NBA Green Room collection. The jacket was about ten sizes too big, and it looked like it came from the same too-much-fabric-using tailor that Magic Johnson visits.

- Kanye West winning Best Rap Album is an insult to rap music. That shit was an experimental pop record. *Shakes his head* Oh, you people...

- Again, Sheryl Crow, please visit the buffet ASAP.

- As my man B.I.G., who I believe is watching me from up above at all times, might have said, "Mariah Carey's kinda scary." Why couldn't she catch her breath all night? She seemed really worn out, didn't she? And yeah, I hate to say it, but it doesn't look like she's lost any part of her since anyone left.

- Kelly Clarkson thanked Jesus and God but punked the Holy Spirit. I had to laugh at that. Also, I hadn't known this before, but she basically sings every disposable pop song I hear in the background at places like Target and Olive Garden. In the future, if I can't recognize a pop song but know that it's popular, I will just assume that it's one of hers.

- It was nice to see Linkin Park and Jay-Z win the MTV Wet Dream Award. And while we're "talking" about Jay, has anyone ever seen a worse performance from him? The music was not teh good; the Paul McCartney thing was teh stupid; and Jay looks like such a fugazi when he tries to run with Linkin Park just for the sake of being different. Also, the dude's supposed to be a CEO. What's he doing up there? Why isn't his talent up on stage singing and dancing and rapping and winning awards? Yeah, Kanye won stuff, but where were Jay's people? Step your game up, dude. The only Def Jam heads I saw aside from Kanye--whose own imprint was getting shouted out the whole time, anyway--were LL and Luda, and they were presenters.

- Ciara is not talented.

- And on a related note: The Grammys should get some real musicians to perform the tribute next year. I felt bad for Sly Stone--he seemed catatonic and crazy; he couldn't look up; and his legacy was desecrated by a bunch of "musicians" who are devoid of talent, save for Legend and Joss Stone. Ciara stunk; Adam Levine's voice is horrible; Aerosmith has always been useless; etc. The best part of that entire farce was Randy Jackson playing the bass.

- Finally: Was Latifah's outfit a leftover from the "U.N.I.T.Y." video shoot? I mean, what was that? Did her fashion consultant decide to "out" her?

2.08.2006

I Know How to Read


I'm sorry, but this is just cool. Clickity click.

To borrow from Dem Dork Boyz: Link heavy...
- Peep game: City Hangover. Maybe the most anticipated blog on the internets ever. Or, at least, until we receive word that Bobbi Kristina is cataloguing her inevitable meltdown on an interweb.

- I didn't think winning 70 was a good idea, anyway.

- My mellow Matt drops knowledge over at Smoking Section.

- Schembech re-up gang: Michigan basketball, and how to get a job with the Michigan football team.

- I ain't mad at Spike Lee. I think he's right. Why is pimping held up as the apotheosis of masculinity? As David Walker would be happy to tell you, a pimp was one of the limited roles that black actors could consistently fill in the cinema of the 1970s. It is perplexing that now, as media opportunities have expanded for black people (although we still have a long way to go), hip-hop has happily reverted to this skewed and self-defeating imagery. I'm not naive: I recognize the theoretical appeal of being seen as a man with absolute power over women and a sexual prowess that allows for myriad partners to whom one doesn't develop a supposedly undermining emotional attachment--that's what men are socialized to respect, even when they are conscious of lessons to the contrary. And this is certainly not specific to the hip-hop community: tons of fraternity brothers across this country have spent years of their lives constantly seeking out new ways to demonstrate their manhood by disrespecting women. But still, hip-hop is probably the conduit through which many receive information that they use when forming opinions about black people. I am not "saying" that this is good or that it's fair, but it is what it is. I can't think that the glorification of the pimp is a positive thing.

- No Frontin' posted this list of upcoming releases for the year. There are at least 15 records I'll be really excited to buy on the internets--Ghostface, Doom, Roots, Scarface, etc.--and the list makes 2006 ostensibly better than 2005 already. Thank God.

- Jerry's Wheelhouse posted a number of reasons why the Super Bowl is usually lame. Here's the biggest one: Because the NFL is. I know I am committing some kind of secular blasphemy by writing what I just did, but seriously, the NFL is boring. It's taken way too seriously by the people in it, the people who cover it, and the people who follow it; there is no room for personality save for the now contrived touchdown celebrations; and the strategic variations mostly boil down to who has better players. In college, there are all kinds of schematic differences that give many teams unique styles. In the NFL, that is absent. There are good coaches and bad coaches who call plays well or poorly, and there are better and worse uses of personnel. But nearly every NFL game looks the same most weeks, and that is surely not true of college football.

- The new Steve Harvey movie, the one in which he can't curse, looks pretty bad right now. I'm hoping to find a reason why I need to see it, because I used to love Steve Harvey. And how said is it that I am sorely disappointed by an absence of profanity? I must have horrible parents. The sort that let The Buckets and me drink soda all the time, watch tons of TV, and stay up as late as we wanted. Jealous?

- Yesterday was Big Pun's sixth death anniversary. Am I a horrible person for not caring? And does the fact that I just invoked his name mean that I now must go through the list of every hip-hop or tangentially-related-to-hip-hop artist who has died in the past ten years. Aaliyah, Jam Master Jay, etc.--you're all missed. At least, when a performer is on stage. In fact, everyone performing a concert misses you during every single show.

And while we're at it: 2Pac is/was overrated. Bomani is right. Deal with it.

Brokeback to the Future

2.07.2006

Be Easy


Oh, I think they posthumously like me...

I know, I know: Where I been at? Well, there was the Super Bowl, the dinner with a friend, the post-work drinks, the trying to have a life--it happens.

*100 racing horns drop on top of each other*
Let's git it...

- Nas, "Jackin' for Beats 2006"
Fallin' to the Earth...oops, sorry. Is it me or is Nas kinda gunnin' for Lil' Wayne and/or Cam'ron and/or 50 on this joint? Witness:
"Every n***a's a star when he get shot on/It's awkward, I thought it was the other way around/The gangsta's the one who bust his gun/Now son layin' down/Provoke me to allow violence/But only in words/'Cuz smackin' you would be childish/Handcuff me to a rusty tech and I still prosper/Hip-hoppper/I do this for love, not 'cuz I got ta/Ta watch ya, like the makin' of a phony mobster flick/Behind the scenes on some fake-thug shit/Blahck-a blahck-a make ya ice grill fall out/Maggots crawl from yo ass when we war out/Ha ha ha/You n***as' whole careers is lies/I'm a maniac beast, and y'all should fear Nas/But I know I'm so cool, and old school, so wise/And I'm old fashioned, think diamonds don't belong in the ears of guys/I think too much/And n***as even tell me that I drink too much/Is it me, or is these corny-ass n***as talkin' shit too much/I extinct them easy..."
Sounds like the sort of thing you might say to a dude who came at you and your wife. Or maybe it's intended for a dude who picks fights, rocks earrings, and gets shot. I mean, Nas even starts ripping as the beat from "357" comes on. I suppose 50 is another one who could be the focus, what with the pre-existing static, Nas's earlier (and not excerpted) references to groupies from his earlier career, and his invocation of "stuntin'."

- Ol' Dirty Bastard ft. Macy Gray, "Don't Go Breaking My Heart"
From the record A Son Unique to be released in 2010...? If you expected some belabored singing surrounding scattershot verses and hilariously quotidian content, you won't be disappointed.

- Kanye West ft. Papoose, "Dear Mama (Remix)"
Nothing new from Kanye. Pap comes with a fairly standard maternal-appreciation verse, and does, for him, a fairly good job of sounding less like a high-energy robot that has never been programmed to moderate its volume and emotion. Still, it's all relative...

2.05.2006

The Axis of Evil

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Carr, DeBord, Herrmann, Gittleson--ruining my life one day at a time

You know I had to vent after Lloyd Carr's latest bullshit. Peep game.

2.03.2006

Goin' Down Tonight


Dork shit, baby, Dork shit...

Yeah, that's right! Funk Flex; Big Dog Pit Bulls. 'Bout to set it off; let's go...
*Bomb drops*
*Racing horn goes off 100 times*


Don't miss the Dork Set in full effect tonight at Low Bar, 80 Washington Street in DUMBO.

Also...
- Peep game: dumbstupid. Andy got his blog game back on.

- Peep game: The Realests

The World Is Yours


Would never take a woman to the toilet to make out.

For my entire life, I've had a major pop-culture problem: I consume too much of it. I'd like to think that in matters of music, I have good taste. While the shame that comes with my copy of Swing Batta Swing still burns a hole in my soul, my music taste is generally not something from which I derive much embarrassment. My hip-hop game is strong; my classic soul and R&B game is strong; my 80s pop game is strong. Throw in some Pearl Jam, a general knowledge of most significant trends and artists, and a masterful ability to front using limited information (when you live with Zwiggity as he consumes all the Wilco, Sun Volt, and Uncle Tupelo he can get his hands on, you start to sound like you actually know why Jay Farrar and Jeff Tweedy broke up; ditto for the Jigs and all things Oasis), and I'm good to go.

Not so for television. I can certainly appreciate the finer works. My favorite programs include The Wire, Oz, Deadwood, Seinfeld, and The State. That's some unfuckwithable shit. But then there's everything else. You already know about my childish adoration of the cartoons so popular when I was a youth. But then there's the indulgent, the thoroughly shameful, and everything in between. Did you know that I worshipped North Shore? That I digitally record every possible Real World/Road Rules all-star event? That I can imitate Jeff Probst with startling accuracy? No, you didn't, because I usually have too much self respect am too embarrassed to write about it. But that's not the case tonight. And perhaps going forward, I can start cataloguing more television-related thoughts, because there are plenty of them.

I've been forced into this confession because I was watching South Beach on DVR tonight and couldn't get beyond a certain all-encompassing depression: This is what it's come to for Steven Bauer? He has to pretend it's 1983 all over again and that Scarface might still be going on? He has to play a character who is (was? I think he's dead now), in effect, Manolo Ribera as a bad cop? I mean, his character, Rivera (just a one-letter difference!), is an airhead who likes to party, thinks he's smarter than he is, wears cheesy clothes, and usually acts a fool. Sounds a lot like Manny, no? Only this time, Bauer is mean, "a police" (that's some Wire lingo), and gets spared from falling in love with the sister of a protagonist who can't control his incestuous impulses. Otherwise, you're watching Manolo. Fuck, Rivera is even into women to the detriment of his professional duties, not unlike a young Manolo who, while still trying to prove himself in the Frank Lopez organeessayshun, kind of hung Tony out to dry as he sat in his convertible on the strip in South Beach harassing that blonde chick. Even for an actor who has played someone named "Tony Montoya" (lame), appeared in Red Shoe Diaries, and recently wrapped up Raptor Island 2: Raptor Planet, South Beach might be a new low.

All that said, I, of course, can't stop watching this show. It is completely predictable; horribly acted; absolutely not daring; insultingly derivative...and yet I now have invested about five TV hours (not to be confused with actual hours because, well, I don't watch commercials anymore) of my life in this program and want to know what will happen. There are good looking girls on it, so that's one reason I actually like it. And, best of all, Giancarlo Esposito (a name begging to be co-opted by a rapper) has a recurring role as Fuentes, the voodoo-guided Cubano crime lord with a heart of gold. Fuentes is basically Esposito's character from Fresh, Esteban (who, you know, we pushin' base for 'cuz we bust the stupid moves), with a little more charm and a little less malice.

All in all, a horrible show that I can't stop watching.

2.02.2006

Peep Game

Some new hotness getting the internets going nuts: The Passion of the Weiss

It's Like This, That, and This, and uh...


So hot right now?

I feel bad about these jumbled updates with links to all over, but it's late (or early depending upon how you want to classify the time), and I don't know that I can muster a cohesive essay having just thrown up 1,700 words about Michigan's Signing Day. How was it? Well, the clouds are never too far off over at the Schembech. And by the way, shout out to everyone who has been checking that site. I am now getting about 300 visits a day. Not really anything impressive, but certainly better than where it was a month ago. And not bad for something to which I probably should be devoting all of my blogging time. But just like all other side ventures I've pursued on the internets, Schembech can't ever touch the Bangin'. Now, I just need y'all to start leaving some comments over there so that I can make that site more of a dialogue and less of an ongoing rant.

But anyway...
- The Wolverines continue to dominate hardwoods all across the greater Midwest. Michigan is probably now just three wins away from a mid-March dancing appointment. Courtney Sims, where you at, though? 12 minutes? 2 points? That's some Kandi Man bullshit.

- Some strong hip-hop blogging, lately.

- Just in case you haven't seen it yet: SNL's "Young Chuck Norris." As The Buckets recently wondered, what's with the sudden resurgence (or just plain surgence) in Chuck Norris interest?

- I know you'll never believe this, but President Bush was running with some, uh, shall we say, um, "misinformation" during his speech on Tuesday. Luckily, some people read and remember things. And when it wasn't inaccuracies, it was just odd, strangely evocative coded language.

And here's what Howard Dean had to say in response.

- Peep game: Got Hip-Hop?

- Peep game: Jones on the NBA

- Best high school in America? Well sure, if you're a lesbian.

- We've all been grappling with Stewart Mandel's endless stupidity and questionable qualifications for employment as a journalist. And that was just when he was writing about his "expertise," college football. Sadly, Sports Illustrated unleashes him upon college basketball, too, because apparently his editors would like to see him single handedly destroy all fan interest in all intercollegiate athletics. Does anyone else find it, well, kind of frustrating that someone who's paid to follow college sports produces shit like this:
March Madness Bust

Davis: Memphis. John Calipari has done a masterful job with this team while playing a tough schedule, but any squad that depends on five freshmen and eight sophomores is an early-round upset waiting to happen.

Mandel: Gonzaga. It seems like the more pub the Zags get, the earlier they exit the tourney.

Wahl: Washington. Even in a down Pac-10, the Huskies have had trouble defending their home court (see: Hec-Ed losses to Arizona and Washington State)

Winn: Gonzaga. The secret that's been covered up by Adam Morrison's incredible season: The Zags still aren't playing great D -- and for yet another year, it will lead to an early demise in the dance.
Look, the article's format doesn't encourage trenchant analysis, and there is plenty of other hokum-potential conventional wisdom mixed in with heaping portions of dubious generalities. But that said, a ten-year-old could have written what Mandel came up with. At least Winn had the common sense to cite something legitimate, Gonzaga's worrisome defense, and also place it in a greater context. Mandel was just being his usual obnoxious, self-involved, lazy self.

Remember Me?
I don't know why, but these three songs have been in my head for about a week. Maybe this will be a new Straight Bangin' music series? An addition to Music for Mondays and the soul mixtapes? Let me know...

- Ice Cube, "When Will They Shoot"

- Mo Thugs, "Thug Devotion"

- Pudgee ft. Notorious B.I.G. and Lord Tariq, "Think Big"

2.01.2006

Lanks

- That review I promised, to Wes and others? It's here.

- R.I.P. Sexy-Results! That's one of the best blogs ever. No joke.

- Here's how everyone voted on cloture. Here's how they voted on Alito.

- More bullshit hip-hop beef: Mase vs. the Dip Set. I know, I know--I should just let this go, chuckle, and get on with the rest of my life. You're right. But I'm sayin', though: STOP. SHUT UP. WE ARE TIRED OF THIS. The hyper-masculinity that you all think you must exude at all times to sell records? It's stupid. It's boring. It's phony. Fuck, the reigning king of your modality, 50 Cent, is widely reviled by core hip-hop consumers, and on top of that, the motherfucker sings hooks better than he rhymes! This is played. Has it ever occurred to you dumb-ass rappers that the self-perpetuating culture of conflict in which you traffic and to which you contribute mightily might not be a good thing? Has it ever occurred to you dumb-ass rappers that constantly glorifying animosity might wrongly encourage some of your fans who don't know any better? I don't want to get all C. Delores Tucker up in this, but the constant beefing is idiotic. Really, I'm mostly mad because it's boring. Rap about your purple cars and sample your Disney movies and go into God. That's all fine with me. But stop with the bullshit media jacking. It's lame.

- In last week's Sports Illustrated, Ian Thomsen listed ($ub. req.) the NBA's supposed franchise players: Kobe Bryant, Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, Allen Iverson, LeBron James, Jason Kidd, Andrei Kirilenko, Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Shaquille O'Neal, Dwyane Wade and Ben Wallace.
The criteria were the right combination of talent and leadership.

Notice any notable omissions? Here's a hint: his jersey is big in China.

It's been a tough season for TMac. He seemed like he was on the verge of a leadership breakthrough following an admirable and auspicious performance in last year's playoffs. But this year, Houston has stunk and McGrady has been hurt. I am TMac's biggest fan, so don't think I am trying to punk him or sell him out. He's still my boy. But that said, he needs to make something happen--and soon--unless he wants to be forever seen as the greatest example of squandered talent. Ewing, Barkley, Malone, Stockton--they all made the Finals. They all played in playoff games of significance. TMac? Well, his teams got blown out in Game Seven of last year's first round. Not good.

The Biggest Guns in Hip-Hop


Um...does this dude know Greg Anderson?

Two quick notes about last night's MF Doom, Little Brother, Big Daddy Kane, Pete Rock show (full report coming later):

1) Big Daddy Kane was the best MC there BY FAR.

2) Melle Mel is on the juice.


Update: As has been well documented, I go to a lot of hip-hop concerts. While some people have sampled the finest restaurants, gone to the hottest clubs, and gotten plasma-screen televisions, I have diverted my funds towards actual essentials: sneakers, formal wear, and concert tickets. My priorities are straight.

Given this last predilection, there was no way I was missing MF Doom, Big Daddy Kane, Little Brother, and Pete Rock at the Nokia Theater in Times Square. Here's how the event went down:

The Performers
The show started off with Pete Rock spinning records and talking. You know, the regular stuff: "Is hip-hop in the house?"; "Whatchu know about Nas?"; etc. Pete likes to stroll down memory lane and grab on tight to the past like me, but unlike DJ Premier, he doesn't sound pissed off the whole time. And, for better or worse, he won't start cursing out the crowd and cutting off records if it doesn't "ooh" and "ah" when he throws on something like Cru.

I find it depressing watching Pete Rock at this point, though. I'm sorry. I don't want to diminish his place in history, and I don't want to knock his skills. Anyone who reads this site on the regular knows how much esteem I have for dude. It's just that he gets up on stage grinning as though none of us notice that the primary reason that we know who he is has been rendered obsolete. No C.L. means, well, no Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth. And the Chocolate Boy Wonder can spin all of the Das EFX and "Down with the King" and "The World Is Yours" he wants--if he has to cut off "T.R.O.Y." and "Straighten It Out" all the time because no one is there to rap the fucking shit, it's lame. That said, the dude's taste in music is impeccable, and I'd go to a club to drink and dance all night if he were spinning. He was running Tribe into Mobb into Wu for about an hour, and it was sublime.

After Peter, it was Little Brother time Jin time? WTF? Dude should have stayed retired. Jin came out, did some crappy songs nobody cared about, and then left fairly uneventfully. It was yet another of the myriad instances in the annals of hip-hop shows when some completely disposable act wasted my time. Fucking awesome.

Once Jin wore out his welcome, it was finally Little Brother time. When LB first started performing, their stage show was unrefined. Phonte would run around and stick his tongue out a lot while Pooh would just march in place. And worse, 9th didn't really know what to do--should he stay behind the table and spin, loop, and cut, or should he serve as the de facto hype man, roaming around with Phonte and Pooh while DJ Flash spun the instrumentals? LB tried it both ways, and I think that the latter was deemed too awkward, so 9th went back behind the turntables and devised a whole set--like, dropping Rick James joints in between Little Brother songs and whatnot. It works for them because they're hilarious, they know music, and everyone in the world loves hearing impromptu covers at concerts. In fact, you can be at any rap concert in the world and if something gets spit over the beat from "Grindin'" everyone will get excited. Look it up.

"What to Do with 9th" was not a concern at this show, though, because Mr. Wonder was not in attendance. Again, not to diminish his abilities or front like I'm not a fan, but it's not a big deal when he's not there because he doesn't do much in concert except spin records. Instead, it was Phonte, Pooh, DJ Flash, and friends. The most legitimate knock against Little Brother is that the group can get a tad predictable. Whether it's 9th Wonder's drums (something that Phonte even raps about--and another reason to love Phonte) or their overall sound, LB sometimes suffers through predictability. Why write this? On the subway ride down to the show, I was listening to LB's "Carolina Agents" and I said to myself "They're gonna open with this joint. It just fits what they do." Well, guess what they opened with?

It was a fine set, nonetheless. And actually, LB puts on a great show every time, now, because they have great energy and great charisma. On multiple occasions, I've taken in a Little Brother show with friends who had been previously uninitiated, and I have yet to come across someone who didn't walk away impressed and excited by the show. On this night, LB ran through 2/3 of The Minstrel Show, dropped some of their mixtape joints, and, of course, hit upon The Listening a little bit. When they came out, they also had some dude dressed as though he were trying out for a gig as a Kanye West body double. He was carrying around two bottles of champagne and "flossing" all over the place. While perhaps played out as a sarcastic dig at the opulence of mainstream hip-hop, it was still amusing if only because it was a perfect embodiment of the group's ethos, and you always like to see LB doing well on the group's own terms.

There were, sadly, two markedly bad things about the set: 1) It was only 40 minutes long because they were opening for Kane and Doom, and; 2) Joe Scudda was there.

Joe Scudda is a horrible rapper, neither witty nor charismatic, and mostly just a wooden wannabe thug running with some Native Tongue lovers. Not a good look. I mean, was there anything more embarrassing last year than Scudda hopping on a track with Phonte and using his opening bars to say "I wake up every morning holding my dick/Going through life like I know I'm the shit"? Not only does that not rhyme, but it is so trite. And worse, nothing that the dude has ever spit would allow a garbage line like that to have the quaint character it would have were a colorful lyricist like Ghost to drop that. We know Ghost, we respect his skills, and we find him funny. If he says that, there's probably something amusing coming up afterwards. When Scudda says that, not only does he say it with shameful sincerity, but he also just has nothing else to say. *Shudder*

The bad taste left by Scudda being the final MC heard during the LB set was quickly forgotten, though, because god-body MC Big Daddy Kane was next up, and the dude fucking killed it. My only criticism of Kane is that he was dressed in an outfit that might be the sort of thing Lt. Dangle would wear for a night out in Reno--red leather pants and a red button-down with black pinstripes. Not. A. Good. Look.

But that was it. Otherwise, Kane was, well, what I already "said": a god. He tore through his classics, and the smart half of the crowd went crazy (more on this bellow). I don't need to tell you how good songs like "Ain't No Half-Steppin'" and "Warm It Up, Kane" are. That information is basically canonical at this point. What is perhaps forgotten, though, is how professional Kane is when performing. His flow, his personality, his wit--nearly everything about him is paradigmatic. And even excellent performers like Little Brother suffer when set in relief of a hip-hop master. He works the crowd, he delivers his rhymes with a self-aware confidence, and he seems to be in total control at all times. It was really remarkable, and it forced me to reassess other incredible performances because something about Big Daddy Kane was transcendent. It didn't matter how old he was; how young the crowd was; or what he was performing--his mere presence was an enthralling spectacle. Most rappers can't say that about themselves.

The Kane set also featured a cameo from Melle Mel and Raheim. They performed "The Message" as Melle Mel showed off a body that has likely come with the price of shriveled testicles. I mean, come on...

Sadly, Kane was so good that MF Doom had no chance. MF is not a great performer to begin with, and when you force him to follow up a true master of ceremonies, he's gonna fail, if only because of the relative circumstances. And even worse, on Thursday, it wasn't just some post-Kane crowd withdrawal that hurt Doom.

Let me see how I can phrase this so that it's accurate without being excessive: MF Doom was a disaster. Like, "let's-leave-early" bad. His music doesn't lend itself to a stage; there are too many moving aural parts. And without the full sonic landscape, the dude loses a lot of his personality and appeal. His set was bitterly disappointing.

Really, he did himself no favors by producing a set that can be best described as a disjointed, lazy farce. There was no continuity from song to song and MF performed as though he were bored. Which, of course, made me bored. In between tracks he was ambling around, intermittently muttering and yelling, and then launching into the next ditty as though he didn't know what to perform or why he was there.
It felt as though I were watching an escaped mental patient who had snatched some mask out of the dumpster and suddenly showed up on stage to recite scattershot flows and hallucinate.

Not only that, but he didn't even perform some of his best work. There was no "Rapp Snitch Knishes" (Fantastik wasn't there, but the crowd could have easily rapped his part since that song was everyone's shit), and he focused most of his already limited attention on MM...Food and Madvillainy. The former is an album I love, but not live since a third of it is odd samples and old cartoons. The latter is the most overrated album in a long time. We can argue about this, but I really don't understand the unflinching adoration that poured forth from all precincts. Regardless, where was "Vaudeville Villain"? How about anything by Viktor Vaughn? Christ, how about opening with "Fazers"? Turn the lights off; throw on a spotlight; get the DJ to do a voice over; and then steadily follow the spotlight as the music and lights come on. Is that so hard? And if you can't perform music from the whole catalogue while among New York mainstream-haters and too many hipsters (again, more on this below), when can you? (And yes, most of the Kane fans walked out during the Doom set. It was odd, but sadly warranted.) What a letdown.

The moral of the story? Long live the Kane.

The Crowd
Sucked. Period.

The show was an odd amalgam of hip-hop acts that appealed to varying hip-hop constituencies, and I don't know that the groups blended well. For starters, you had a lot of underground-only heads--the kids who think that Aesop Rock is one of the illest MCs of all time; the kids who think that no discordant beat is too dissonant; the kids who don't know any words from The Infamous but freak out when that new John Robinson drops. This group was mixed with a bunch of older fans, the sort who grew up on BDP and Pete Rock and all that. These people were at the show to see Kane, primarily, and also LB to some extent. At least, that's how it seemed since most of the people around me who were going nuts during those two sets were nowhere to be found at the end when Doom was doing his underwhelming thing.

Those were the dominant groups. Throw in a lot of people who came just to smoke weed; an alarmingly high number of hipsters who probably needed new material to denigrate while hyping Young Jeezy and writing condescending tripe about the pathos of coke rap (please don't miss the hilarious part that reads "
The North Carolina trio has the overwhelming support of the Okayplayer crowd, fools who use the word "lyrical" like it actually means something and never, ever shut up about how bad rap is these days. The Minstrel Show, Little Brother's truly boring sophomore album, is one of 2005's most dishearteningly monochromatic records, a defiantly mediocre marathon of condescending anti-mainstream pandering and unearned arrogance"); and some young kids who were probably told to check out MF Doom by an older brother, and you had a totally bizarre mix of fans.

Inevitably, at all times, half the crowd would be engaged while the other wallowed in indifference. And when one act was done, new halves of the crowd would assume the respective roles.

The Extras
OK, just one extra of note:

1) You know how people use words like "grind" and "hustle" to talk about working? Well, here's a fine real-life example of someone on his grind, working his side hustle: When I got to the venue, I went over to the t-shirts-and-CDs concession to check out the wares. Who was working the booth? None other than the Back Twista, Chaundon, the most underrated of Justus League members. One of the dudes you heard on The Minstrel Show. Yup. It's not so glamorous trying to get put on, is it? Chaundon was really nice, and you could tell that he really liked the fact that fans were recognizing him. How sad, though, that he's pushing t-shirts while Joe Scudda is running around on stage.

Dear America:


Ooh, he speaks so well; He's so well-spoken...

I hope that you enjoyed your rights while you had them. Wasn't it swell? As they are now steadily taken away from you non-white, non-male, non-Christian, non-rich types in the coming years--replaced by the functional equivalent of state-sanctioned Christian faith and the authoritarian power grab of the executive branch--please remember what it was like when a woman could make choices about her own body; when Congress functioned as the people's check on presidential power; when we had a dignified legal system; and when the country, as a nation, was committed to equality.

In the meantime, I suggest that those of you concerned about this bleak vision for the future begin to buy lottery tickets so that you might stumble upon fortune and come to possess enough wealth to buy your own country somewhere. You might also consider electing people who actually respect this country's values and governing systems. But hey, that's just one man's opinion.

Enjoy Samuel Alito. I'm told there's nothing to worry about.

Thinking of you,
Joey