What Can I Say About the London Trip That Hasn't Already Been Said About Afghanistan?

As New Jersey's Poet Laureate Carl Brutananadilewski would say, "Frickin' bad-ass!"

If you'll recall, I spent Memorial Day weekend in London attempting to do what even the Nazis couldn't: shut the shit down forever. Much like a lone Constructicon, I would have merely been some green and purple front-load shovel had I ventured off to London in solitude. However by combining with D'BrickaShawn, The Jesus, Captain Drunk Tank, and our old friend drunkenness, we were able to disregard the grating self-aggrandizement of Starscream and transform into Devastator.

To get an accurate sense of my time abroad, please take the following multiple choice quiz. Also, please brush up on some skits from Chappelle's Show, as they figured into the weekend prominently, mostly because we watched them before departing and clung to some choice quotations as though they were running out. At nearly every moment possible, someone found a way to say something like:

- "What can I say about you/it/her/him/they that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan? You/It/She/He/They look(s) bombed out and depleted."
- "She wears underwear with dick holes in them."
- "Did I miss the free-crack giveaway?"
- "They was setting fruity picks"
- "A chickenhead--you can find one anywhere: in the hood, on the block. That's a bird that you take home and wear out."
- "Bought this baby cash!"
- "Hot hand in a dice game. Six hours straight, talkin' 'bout clackity clackity clackity clack."
- "Charlie Murph-ay!"
- "Cold Blooded!"

Everything depicted below occurred, usually precipitated by one of us. And remember, like on the SATs, the goal is to choose the best possible answer, not necessarily the right one. Once you've completed the quiz, I encourage you to read some more about the trip:

- Captain Drunk Tank's take
- The Jesus's take
- D'BrickaShawn's take

1) You're going to London and your plane is delayed for an hour in the airport. You and your friend should:
A) Read The New Yorker
B) Watch the Pistons feebly attempt to pretend as though they still deserve to be in the playoffs
C) Order too many drinks (paid for by others), get drunk, and lie to some girls from Michigan, telling them that you're from Holland, MI; went to Holland Christian for high school; and love tulips
D) All of the above
E) B and C

2) You're walking along the Thames and arrive at the Tate Modern. You smell something best described as "sticky" and "icky." You see a man in the bushes with a two-year-old. You conclude that:
A) He is the best father ever
B) He is the worst father ever
C) His glaucoma must get really bad when he has to watch his son
D) He has already helped to make your trip somewhat ridiculous--the stated top priority for the experience--and you've only been in England for a few hours

3a) You are visiting an American friend stationed abroad and he is briefing you about his British friends and coworkers. He mentions that he is intrigued by one woman, 25, and would perhaps be interested in her were she not:
A) Already married
B) Estranged from her husband
C) Sleeping with another coworker
D) Impossibly elusive
E) All of the above

3b) Your immediate reaction upon hearing all of this information is:
A) Yes, drama will surely ensue, and that's what I came for!
B) No, I like it when things aren't complicated. Please pass the tea.

4) You and your friends plan to check out the dog races in Wimbledon before meeting up with the drama-causing coworker. Your tickets cost the equivalent of $4 and admission includes two beers and two $4 bets. You will not be surprised to see:
A) A baby strapped into an obedience harness
B) A haircut that can be best described as "completely fucking disgusting"
C) A 7-to-1 dog named "Oklahoma Pat" win the first race of the night and net roughly $28 for bettors like you, who chose it to win because you secretly kinda like Bob Stoops
D) Evidence that America isn't that bad
E) All of the above

5) It's time to hang out with the infidelitous coworker about whom you have been briefed. What will you do?
A) Amiably engage her in innocent banter.
B) Tell her that you've heard nice things about her and ask her some tame, facetious questions about your mutual friend meant to elicit a few laughs.
C) Do the whole annoying-American thing and make a number of insipid comparisons between American and British cultures.
D) Ask ostensibly tame questions like "Do you live alone?" hoping that the answers will confirm the information you previously received and open up the scandalous topics for further conversation.

6) While dancing with a British woman in a club that you call "Club Opus Dei" because you can't remember the real name, which Ghostface line will you invoke most commonly while charming said British bird with a fully developed American knowledge of hip-hop?
A) "I'm a lot like Ghostface Killah--no girl can freak me; I'm just too nasty."
B) "You seem to really like this song; I hope that your water doesn't break."
C) "I gave you earth lessons. I came to you as a blessin'."
D) "Oh Lord, I told you not to move you dumb broad"
E) Under no circumstance are any of these lines appropriate.
F) All of the above.

7) If you find yourself suddenly surrounded by a swarm of attractive American girls from the University of Illinois, what is the best way to interact with them?
A) Decline an unembarrassed request meant to force you into buying one of them a drink.
B) Inexplicably earn the trust of another by singing along to Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody."
C) Spurn their overtures and instead dance with a separate, soon-to-be-31-year-old who also works with the friend whom you are visiting.
D) Forlorn after getting shut down by some foolish Indian girls and a plastic-looking brunette who may or may not have had fake hair, fake breasts, and jaundice, dance aimlessly and hope to avoid getting hit on by men, a common occurrence despite your confirmed heterosexuality.
E) All of the above.

8) The supposed end of the night has arrived and you need to eventually get home. You haven't slept in about 48 hours and are still worked up from the anticipatory enthusiasm for ridiculousness that has so far been rewarded; the adrenaline that has been flowing since you got the first British beer in you twelve hours ago; and a literally constant desire to sing karaoke versions of your favorite cheesy songs. From the following three groups of answers, please choose the best possible end-of-evening combination, taking one choice from each group.

I) Politely inquire about karaoke options.
II) Attempt to persuade your friends and the extended social network that has developed throughout the night that karaoke is the right choice.
III) Manically and regrettably racistly work your way through Chinatown, stopping in every establishment with the lights on to inquire about the availability of a machine that will play songs to which you can obnoxiously, loudly sing along. Find your inquiry to fall short of success.

a) Your friend might want to hook up with the married coworker of questionable decision-making ability. You persuade him that it's not worth the drama and ensuing social discomfort.
b) Your friend might want to hook up with the married coworker of questionable decision-making ability. You try to buy him some time with her by ducking into the British equivalent of a bodega without saying anything.
c) Your friend might want to hook up with the married coworker of questionable decision-making ability. You blurt out "Can't you see that he wants to go home with you"; steal the apartment key that seems to open every lock in London; sprint off down the street because you're so mature.

1) Figure out the bus system for yourself.
2) Ask for help from two of your friend's mostly lame coworkers while trying to figure out the bus system.
3) Take a taxi with said coworkers and get them to tacitly admit to an interest in hooking up with the friend whom you are visiting.

A) III, c, 3

9) One of your friends falls asleep on the bus ride home and winds up a half-hour away from his stop. Surprisingly Because he's drunk, he goes back to sleep in a bus stop, eventually waking up and making it back to the apartment. When he buzzes up:
A) You ignore it, resenting that it woke you
B) You ignore it, assuming that it's a homeless person
C) You answer it begrudgingly

10) You embark upon a pub crawl. Which of these things, which you may or may not have been expecting, does not actually occur?
A) Vomiting
B) You receive a free t-shirt just because
C) You're joined by a bunch of Michigan State alumni visiting their friend, Ray J, who works with your friend
D) You make a bet with the poor-choices-making coworker that she'll get your name tattooed on her back if you drink more than her, a bet born of the knowledge that she got her husband's name, Ian, sloppily tattooed on her back so that it looked like it said "Jan."
E) You are privvy to the revelation that a member of your party had been involved in an air-high-five situation with one of his friend's and two of their female acquaintances in one of their childhood homes
F) You meet a posse of British guys who had spent time in Cheboygan, MI
G) You meet British FBI-agent analogs who knew every word to songs like Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love" and Snoop's "Ain't No Fun"
H) You hear from the British coworker who was twisting out the aforementioned decision-making-challenged British coworker that he had been at a strip club the previous evening and had received a lap dance from yet another coworker of seemingly compromised decision-making ability

(Note: Due to a scoring anomaly, we are required to let you know that the answer is A. And A was the only thing expected, as well.)

11) You are out for the night in a British neighborhood that sort of looks and mostly feels like something out of Pinocchio. The second of the three venues in which you spend some time and drop some coin is one of those lame bars that aspires to be much classier than it and its clientele really are. When you walk in, a member of your party is quickly roped into a circle of comely but clearly ill-intentioned women who immediately begin taking dude's clothes off. What happens next?
A) The rest of the group joins in the action, quickly initiating an orgy.
B) The rest of the group proceeds to the bar to strawpedo Bacardi Silvers while the lone fellow seized upon by the Weird Sisters receives the functional equivalent of legal rape: his jacket, button-down shirt, and belt torn off; his t-shirt untucked; and his pants unbuttoned while he is left in a haze, paralyzed both by the aggressive tactics and the murky cognitive state created as his mind, knowing that what was happening was probably not good but conditioned to think that any instances of female-driven undressing are to be welcomed, tussles internally. He will never get his belt back.
C) The dude proclaims, "No means no," and he shoves the girls aside so that he can get to the bar for a strawpedo of his own.
D) The three women turn out to be transvestites who need more costume material and offer the gentleman the GBP equivalent of $300 for the merchandise taken.

12) While at a much ballyhooed and completely trashy night club, which of the following does NOT take place?
A) A thoroughly drunken D'BrickaShawn freaks out and claims that, "Some people might have run afoul of the law--we need to go." He cannot, of course, explain what may or may not have happened and why he thinks he's in trouble.
B) Captain Drunk Tank sleeps on a couch in a crowded, loud club for about two hours.
C) The Jesus pioneers a new dance move that combines the delusional malaise of being drunk, the delicate hand waves common to many Indian videos, and the thunder clap into one unseemly, disorienting routine that he executes while staring off into the distance and vacantly smiling.
D) The shagging British coworkers functionally fornicate on the dance floor.
E) Robbie Williams's "Millennium" gets played twice.
F) Everyone manages to get lost at some point.

13) Imagine that Cosmo Kramer is traveling with you in London. Of the following episodes, all of them real, which would he be most likely to wind up involved in?
A) While dashing for a bus that he desperately needs to get home, Kramer still manages to stop and take a picture of a group of girls posing on the side of the street and in need of some assistance so that they can all be in the picture.
B) Kramer initiates a number of so-called "side conversations" throughout the trip during which he speaks with his host's friends and culls an impressive body of knowledge, unbeknownst to the host or the other travelers until this information is deployed at various times.
C) Kramer takes an immediate liking to a Michigan State graduate named Mikey who seems to be a sarcastic, drunken rabble rouser but who will later go on to be seen as a phony who incites no controversy and drinks water while claiming it to be straight vodka.

14) You visit the British Museum, Buckingham Palace, and some surrounding sites, and you come away with an idea for a documentary about British people called "The Desecration of Antiquity." Which incident most directly leads you to conjure this notion?
A) The little children whose parents happily watch and photograph them as they climb all over Egyptian artifacts from thousands of years ago.
B) The curious tale of Lord Elgin--something presented proudly by British curators through wall text that says things akin to, "Like other affluent adventurers of his time..."--that includes him effectively stealing half of the Parthenon (before being kidnapped by the French) in the name of cultural preservation.
C) The British children whose parents allow them to gleefully stampede across a Canadian war memorial that explicitly asks observers to not walk on a monument meant to honor the million Canadians who died for the British cause during World War I and World War II.
D) All of the above.

15) You want to be an ugly American while sober, so you take the opportunity to do so while at the British Museum by:
A) Realizing that a trip across the pond was required for you to fully grasp just how little you've been taught to care about what the white man did to the indigenous populations of the Americas, particularly North America.
B) Jokingly declaring, as you enter a room dedicated to the country, that Mexico is a place with a "bankrupt culture" while within earshot of a Mexican-American woman who hears what you say and is taken aback.
C) Talking too loudly.
D) Singing R. Kelly's "Thoia Thoing" when you see the word "Oriental" written on a wall.
E) None of the above.
F) All of the above.

The following scenario contains information required by questions 16-20:

The soon-to-be-31-year-old is finally 31, and she is having a birthday party to celebrate. She works with the friend whom you are visiting, and she has a big crush on him, a crush which, sadly for her, is unrequited. Over the first few days of your trip, she has emerged as an always-dour, ennui-loving malcontent with a thing for either The Jesus or D'BrickaShawn or both.

16) How do you arrive at her party?
A) Early.
B) Late.
C) Late, and with four pints waiting for you since you've called ahead.
D) None of the above.

17) The party moves from a pub to the birthday girl's woman's apartment. Once there, you start to flirt with one of the Michigan State graduates, all of whom are in attendance. At one point, the object of your fleeting affection offers a jarring non sequitur when she asks, "Is this some kind of a bet?" What happens next?
A) You wittily retort, "No. What is this, some kind of a wannabe John Hughes movie?"
B) You charmingly retort, "Baby girl, if this were a bet, I'd have hit the jackpot."
C) You feel a sudden pang of discomfort as you realize something is amiss and someone has besmirched your reputation.
D) You stumble around to find the right words as you feel the situation slipping away from you.
E) Both C and D.

18) After some unnecessary drama, you and your friends isolate the genesis of the MSU grad's misgivings: calumny spread by Ray J. You now must confront him to find out what he said and why he said it. How do you do that?
A) You dangle Ray J off of the side of the apartment's balcony, holding him by his ankles.
B) You ask Ray J to come clean about a number of things in addition to what he said (for instance, his likely though unannounced homosexuality).
C) You unleash a complicated Socratic inquisition hoping to catch Ray J in a lie that will shame him into an admission of guilt.
D) You convene a de facto "men's conference" in the vestibule of the apartment that is ultimately attended by all American men at the party--those from Michigan and Michigan State.

19) Nearly everything having to do with the men's conference--the precipitating factors, the outcome, and the conference itself--is ultimately insignificant, but the drunken birthday woman loses sight of this as she is carried away by the potent tide of alcohol and the disappointment that she may not get to lay with anyone on this night. As a result, she begins to cry. She cries even more as she entertains the absurd, fallacious notion that a Jets-vs.-Sharks situation is emerging among the Michigan graduates the graduates from the cow college. You console her by offering:
A) A condolence
B) The refrain, "It's your party, and you can cry if you want to"
C) A slap.
D) A proverbial shoulder to cry on that takes the forms of a nighttime kiss and a willingness to sleep over at her place.
E) B and then D.

20) You wake up the next day and realize that you have chosen to not only kiss, but also to sleep with (though not in the colloquial way meant to connote having had relations) a depressing and lugubrious woman. You cannot possibly be all that pleased about this. What do you do?
A) Wait until she wakes up to share a platonic goodbye.
B) Wake her up to talk about the previous evening's events and then extricate yourself from the situation.
C) Steal her cell phone so that you can call your friend and find out how to get to his home, dashing off without saying goodbye.
D) Decide that you owe it to her to move to London and get married.