James Dolan, the Modern-Day Moses

Moses and Aaron. Dastardly and Mutley. James and Isiah.

"And the Egyptians shall know that I am the Lord, when I stretch forth mine hand upon Egypt, and bring out the children of Israel from among them." - (Exodus, 7:5)

If you've come here for an explanation, you will find none. Just take your crazy pills and accept that this is the bizarro world, OK?

I mean, there is NO OTHER WAY to explain how it has come to be that Isiah Thomas is again a coach in the NBA. This man has accomplished absolutely NOTHING since he stopped playing basketball, and yet he has suddenly gotten himself another undeserved job without relinquishing the fifth one which he already had. And I just want to go on reco--

Actually, I want to amend that statement. There is one way to explain what has happened: this being the bizarro world and all, we've obviously been operating under false pretenses that we should now rightly recognize as grossly inaccurate.

The common logic that permeates our sports universe dictates that when a basketball team has the league's highest payroll and practically the fewest wins; when it has a bleak outlook and few high-worth assets; when it is perpetually being led in baffling directions, it has unfairly subjected its fans to anguish caused by poor management. To remedy this situation and to reward the faith of the fans, the management is supposed to be replaced. It is a given that the owner wants nothing but the highest levels of sustainable success.


Your New York Knicks

Well guess what? Woe unto thee who blindly follows the axiomatic into the sinful land of assumption. We've all be wrong. In the bizarro world--a place with boundaries that encapsulate Madison Square Garden--it is the owner and his managers who have long suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fan sentiment. And now, justly, their faith is being rewarded as their God leads them out of the bondage of expectation and toward the promised land of alienation and inadequacy.

For those of you who can't keep up, who are "religious," or who simply prefer to understand things with a Cecil B. DeMille perspective, let me put this all into terms that you will understand:

- Knicks Owner James Dolan is Moses, the savior of an enslaved people who is so pure in his intentions that he is aided by the will of God. Long have Dolan's people (mainly his family) been held hostage by fans who would ask the impossible of their team: turn hay (improvement) and mud (competitiveness) into bricks (a championship).

- Knicks President and Coach (excuse me, I just vomited in my mouth a little) Isiah Thomas is Aaron, a perceptive character who delivers the Lord's word and assists his (in this case, mentally) handicapped brother Moses. Aaron is not really cracked up to be a leader to begin with, though.

- Knicks fans, of course, are modern-day Egyptians, a vainglorious and cruel people who have enslaved Moses and the Hebrews while demanding the impossible.

(NB: I think that Anucha Browne Sanders would be Nefretiri, but I'm not certain how she fits in yet. Anyway...)

We all know what happens next, either because we've read the Old Testament, seen The Ten Commandments, or are Knicks fans. The Egyptians, behind Pharaoh's hardened heart, fail to heed God's warnings as ten plagues descend upon Egypt, all delivered by Moses, God's messenger. Don't buy into this analogy? Well then how else are we to explain what seems like an endless torrent of plagues unleashed upon Knicks fans by none other than the Almighy? Bloated salaries, sloppy play, inept crunch-time execution, locker room discord, wasted draft picks, malignant superstars. I mean, if I wake up with boils tomorrow and there's a dead cow in my living room, I won't be surprised. Christ, I think it actually is supposed to hail in New York!

All in all, life sucks as an Egyptian right now, and it will likely get worse before it gets better. I can only hope that after what will surely be a season spent submerged in the depths of a suddenly no-longer-parted sea, enough of us survive and rise up to the surface, catch up to the Hebrews (I believe that they're slated to be in the desert for a while lugging around some stone tablets), and overthrow the Moses-Aaron regime.

But really, that's the only possible way to explain why Thomas, who has been an unmitigated disaster as team president--and was a failure as a coach, executive, and broadcaster before that--is suddenly the coach. Unless, of course, you're buying what ESPN's Chris Sheridan is selling: Isiah's assumption of coaching duties is part of Dolan's insidious plot to get rid of Thomas (as though there isn't cause already). Given the preeminence of self-preservation in the minds and instincts of humans, I wouldn't be surprised if Sheridan were right. But that is not an end to the story, as Dolan must ultimately be held accountable for allowing the Knicks to atrophy into what they've now become: freak show basketball designed for the tabloids and nothing much else.

But don't worry, Knicks fans, Josh Boone is likely on the way.

Ugh. I am a first-born son, so maybe you should just kill me now.