Homeric Tales: "And When We Say 'Sphere,' We Mean...

Can't wait to tell you everything he's ever learned about anything

Let me guess: round? Ya don't say.

I'd imagine that serving as an NBA television announcer can be difficult. Not Hurricane-Katrina difficult or my-uncle-touches-me difficult, but difficult nonetheless. You've got a partner or two with whom you need to find chemistry. There's a director and a producer yapping in your ear about what to say, which graphics to explain, and when you need to plug the latest programs that no one wants to watch. Invariably, you're forced to interact with mostly idiotic and superfluous sideline reporters who you probably just want to make sarcastic jokes about after the tenth game of the season. And, worst of all, everyone at home can see what you're seeing and thinks that they can do a better job than you.

Again, getting paid to watch basketball and make mildly entertaining to mildly retarded comments isn't such a bad deal. But, the constant second-guessing--most of it deserved given that people like Magic Johnson and Miami Heat play-by-play man Eric Reid can call themselves broadcasters--must be taxing. Especially when there's so much you need to worry about. An average play-by-play man has to narrate the game without being too intrusive; measure and frame his comments so that the color man can insert his supposed insights within the natural progression of the broadcast; provide background information about the personalities involved in the game without carrying on too long or neglecting important happenings; keep track of many pieces of paper (I'm not joking); etc. That's a ton of opportunities to obviously get things wrong or ruin the experience for your viewers or both or more. Really, it's unavoidable; just think about how many times you get frustrated with the announcers during any given NBA game. There are always so many criticisms to be voiced. Deserved or otherwise, constant scrutiny like that must be hard to deal with as you attempt to succeed at your job.

Some announcers understand the landscape in which they toil and do a wonderful job accommodating the many demands placed upon them. Marv Albert, the BEST BASKETBALL ANNOUNCER EVER, comes to mind when attempting to recall these transcendent broadcasters. Recognizing that television tells most of the story and that the NBA, in nearly every way, is about personalities, Marv fills two-and-a-half hours with restrained narration, witty banter, intelligent observation, hysterical sarcasm, and refreshing perspective. You get the information you need and the details you enjoy while being amused by Marv's personality. And best of all, you are never distracted from the game. The man has seen so much basketball that he can effortless shepherd a viewer along, giving him information without lecture and entertainment without distraction.

Sadly, Marv is no longer working for the Madison Square Garden network now that it has gone the way of every other team-owned outlet and all but requires its broadcasters to piss in your ear and tell you it's raining if precipitation makes the team look good. Marv's replacement is the pedantic, soporific Mike Breen.

Some people like Breen. He's touted by these misguided fools because he explains the game and has a vast knowledge base from which he draws information. But those are the sort of bland compliments you use to praise something that is ostensibly suitable but far from extraordinary, and that's really who Breen is: a boring, annoying announcer who you can't fire and must begrudgingly respect while still detesting.

Mike Breen broadcasts are torturous. He spends most of the time behaving like some know-it-all kid in English class who loses the forest from the trees while perfectly recalling all of the plot information. If Antonio Davis makes a momentum-shifting block that sends the ball sailing out of bounds, we don't hear about the significance of the play, we hear about the ball remaining in the possession of the offense because it was last touched by Davis. When Trevor Ariza comes out of nowhere for a put-back dunk that makes you yell out in amazement, Breen is the first person to note that you can't hang on the rim. He's an uptight drone so thoroughly devoted to the mechanical parts of broadcasting that he drains the fun from an exciting sport. While your energized, he's enervating; as you scream, he whines; and while you watch, he searches.

Searches for what? For opportunities to demonstrate just how much he knows about basketball. Like many people, Mike Breen has watched a lot of games. And amazingly, he knows the rules of the sport which he's paid to follow. Sadly, this means that you must know that he's watched a lot of games and that he knows all of the rules because Breen is the most pedantic announcer I can remember. I don't know if his inexorable need to demonstrate his erudition is born of arrogance or inadequacy (my sense is that it's the latter), but it is excruciating. Not a play goes by without an excessive explanation or a superfluous follow up. If Nate Robinson goes high off the glass to finish on the secondary break, you are guaranteed: a history lesson detailing some other little players who were good at using the backboard; a physics lesson detailing why shorter people must adjust the trajectories of their shots to compensate for the taller people; and a strategy lesson detailing the effects that a successful little person can have on a defense Like me, you probably would just prefer a genuine display of emotion--"A fantastic finish by Robinson!"--and then something else, but that's not Breen.

Nor is it Breen one to understand limits: And, of course, players like to wear high-tops because the taller sneaker allows them to give their ankles more support. And that support is important in a game like basketball that involves running and jumping and a lot of high-impact activity. Sneakers can also provide traction given the way that the rubber of the soles handles the veneer-finished hardwood on which NBA teams play. What's more, high-tops also allow a player to protect an injured ankle from further harm, as opponents have a harder time accessing the injury. You'd think that wouldn't be an issue, but I've heard players complain about opponents trying to exploit or even aggravate those injuries. Basketball is a competitive game... You get the picture, I'm sure.

So take all of that--all that book-smart basketball knowledge, all of that muted emotion--and combine it with a shamefully partisan predisposition to support the home team. That would give you Mike Breen, a guy who can usually find something nice to say about a horrible franchise, and a guy smart enough to be self-conscious about it. It's not uncommon for Breen to preface an unwarranted if not ridiculous compliment--like, say, praising Larry Brown's offense on a night when it can barely generate 90 points--with an anxious, insincere assertion like "Now, I'm one who will criticize a team if I don't see the effort, but this Knicks team, tonight, came to play, and it has shown, as the offense has..."

In Breen's defense, though, you might be all nervous and annoying and insecure, too, if you were a broadcaster...

...Nah. Fuck that. Breen is horrible.

Other Association Notes:
- On Monday night, Mark Jackson actually said, "Kenyon Martin gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar, touching Vince Carter." That doesn't sound appropriate to me. Although, a certain shooting-guard someone is kind of a you-know-what...

- I was offered Vince Carter in a fantasy league trade on Monday, but I don't trade for anyone who, when presented with the opportunity, neglects to put a beatdown on Kobe Bryant. Did anyone else see that weak-ass "fight" on Sunday night? Talk about fake thugs.

Excluding rape, that was two of the least-hard people in the L mean muggin' and acting like they actually wanted to "throw down fisticuffs" and involve Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary. If Kobe ever fought Vince, the under card would have to be Tim Thomas against Michael Olowokandi. It would be like Will Smith gunnin' for Kevin Federline; like Jake Gyllenhaal vs. Tobey Maguire; like...like...like Barney Frank challenging Joe Lieberman to a duel.

It would have been absurd; they both would have embarrassed themselves; and Vince would have been out for a month with a broken nail while Kobe would have needed to get another fugazi tattoo to compensate for a shameful display of bitch-ass-ness. And, of course, I would have loved it. I mean, I did spend, literally, three straight hours on the phone with various friends last fall when Artest did his thing and Stephen Jackson treated those Oakland County kids like they were the Larry Birds, being held back by other Sixers, to his Julius Erving.

Oh, and one other note: Here's Vince's fighting history: Almost with Kobe; almost with Ray Ray; almost with some foreigner; definitely with some foreign referee. Here's some video:

NBA Fights (set to Bone Thugs' "Shotz to tha Double Glock")

Ooh, you're a real big man, DeionVince.

- Give me an F. Give me a U. Give me a G. Give me an A. Give me a Z. Give me an I. What's that spell? TIM THOMAS. Did you read this?! Holy fucking shit, how poetic: He is suddenly going out like the flotsam he's been since he left Villanova. I almost feel bad for Tim: He only has, like, $14 million left before who knows what? Is anyone going to sign this guy for next year? I mean, the ship be sunk. This is a soft, lazy swingman (in football, he'd be an "athlete") who can't consistently hit jumpers and can't bang inside. I'd suggest that Isiah Thomas would likely want to sign him to a max contract, but the Knicks have already had him. Besides, New York needs to save its money so that it can sign the 2005 Sacramento Kings playoff team that seemed to really complement Jerome James's game.

Kids, Tim: Stay in school.

Better Than Yours: They're Running Out of Ideas in NC Edition

I'd imagine it's wishful thinking to read anything into Scudda standing away from the group in the front left.

Better Than Yours gets all back up in ya like a glove, dragged out from the attic of forgottenness by what appears to be a paucity of ideas in North Carolina.

Observe these joints:
- Thyrday, "Fuck"
- Little Brother, "Light It Up (Remix)"

These two songs have been out for, oh, I don't know, let's say YEARS.

Now, observe these:
- Cesar Comanche ft. Median, "Get Ready"
- Cesar Comanche ft. Chaundon, "Wrong One"

These two songs have been out for about a month. Notice anything? Like, maybe the first one is a total beat jack while the second is just "Light It Up" Lite? They couldn't think of two more beats to make? Those beats are so good that they had to be recycled in an attempt to share them with a larger audience?

Weak. I'm sad to say it, but that's weak. Let's just find a way to blame it on Joe Scudda. He ruins everything else, so I'm sayin'...

Game to Peep

- Altrap.com - Some serious hip-hop

- Thanks to David for a list that will help me keep track of my thoughts.

- Video Crates, where your favorite hip-hop videos are still in rotation

- EDSBS destroys ESPN, and then Brian pisses on the cadaver. No less angry, I eschewed the 50-style stand-next-to-the-fire-you-get-burnt approach and aimed my Ghostface poisonous dart at just one of the many affronteries.

- Why does Bol get more traffic than any other hip-hop interneter? Because he posts shit like this, half seriously. I can't front on Peter Cetera; that's my man. And really, anything he's done is primo karaoke material.

- SportsFanMagazine - Sports!

- College Game Balls - More sports!

- Big Ten Talk - Big Ten sports!

When They Reminisce Over You

Scarface? Raekwon's into that movie? OMG, me too!

You're not supposed to drive a car if you live in New York City. The public transportation is excellent; the parking sucks; and the street-cleaning rules necessitate unemployment, home-employment, or enough disposable income to pay for one of the pricey monthly parking spots. A precious few Manhattan dwellers spit on convention, though, and own cars, tempting fate worse than a rapper with "earthy" tendencies dating Erykah Badu: You are just asking for an incident (getting towed) or a lifestyle (constant parking tickets) that will make you lose your shit, create alleged songs like "Jimi Was a Rock Star," and dress like you're auditioning for a spot in some self-involved clique somewhere on the Lower East Side. Worse, in the end, all you'll have to show for it is diminished or even absent dignity. Spending hours circling around your neighborhood looking for a legal parking spot while Funkmaster Flex drops bombs on the latest songs from mixtapes you don't want to hear in the first place can really be embarrassing and discouraging. Sort of like professing your love for and mimicking the sartorial style of a woman whose claim to fame these days is that she is fucking nuts and named her kid "Seven" because seven is "a divine number which can't be divided."

But yet, rappers date Erykah and Manhattanites own cars. My family counts itself among these defiant motorists, and we don't eff around: Despite the supposed deterrent of finding "good" spots (as in "good for tomorrow"; as in legal) all the time, we drive everywhere, and we always have. We'd drive to school, to the dry cleaners, to the grocery store, to dinner, to the dentist--if you weren't supposed to drive somewhere, we'd do it. I mean, how else were we supposed to get our fill of Hot 97, Kiss FM, WBLS, and whatever format 105.1 FM was pursuing at a given time?

It was on one of these trips one day, coming back from the East Side, that my dad first heard Smoothe Da Hustla's "Broken Language" and immediately picked up on the line "...The C-74 ox carrier." Honestly, he was floored by the sincerity of the delivery; by the utter lack of self-consciousness with which that line, like all of its predecessors and successors, was dropped; by the full investment that Smoothe was making in his microphone persona. My dad found it absurd, and the entire episode was memorable, mostly because my dad would go on to reference that line many times, just as he will still declare that his daughter is tied up in a Brooklyn basement.

Most people can tell stories like that: stories that provide contexts that help explain interest in various songs and artists. It sounds silly, almost, but to this day, I will get the urge to throw on Once Upon a Time in Amerikkka in part because I used to love "Broken Language," in part because the album has some other standout moments, and in part because of the connection I make between that song and my dad's reaction.

Quick aside: We should also acknowledge that the song deserves a new life in this era of the Dip Set movement since Smoothe, a willing purveyor of dramatic gangster opacity, really broke down some walls that might have otherwise impeded the advancement of pink-wearing, word-repeating, absurdity-promoting, shamelessly sampling, self-revering Harlem capos. Are Cam, Jim Jones, Juelz, and all of them are spitting anything but derivatives of this scattershot thuggery:

"...The slug-to-your-mug tuzzeler
The drug juggler, the crazy thug hustler
The Lexus wanter
The chain, ring, and bracelet flaunterer
The chamber smoker
The mansion-havin-sauna soaker
The corner stander, the style crammer
Take-over-spot block commander
The glock-on-cock handler
The razor spitter
The fast-dough casper-getter
The transmitter, North Carolina vagina hitter..."

Listening to the new Raekwon joint reminded me of music contexts because even were Only Built 4 Cuban Links... not a great album with so many memorable tracks, it would stand out as major part of my high-school soundtrack, and, well, it cemented Raekwon as a likable MC. I spent hours on the subways, on the streets, and on my grind (read: doing homework) listening to the Chef and forging that "connection" we make with musicians when we like their music and project personalities onto them. From lyrics to biographical content to feelings inspired by the music, there are many factors that encourage this hero worship, and it's undeniable. Who heard lines like "The witty unpredictable live shit" and didn't think that Raekwon was just kind of cool? He was brooding, he was steady, he was calm, he said crazy shit--it was awesome. People make these arbitrary attachments all the time, and they endure.

That warm appreciation for the Chef and his matter-of-fact criminology raps gets stirred up pretty quickly when the lazy, blaring melody of "Treasurers" kicks in and Rae gets going like he's in the grips of another vivid gangster hallucination. And honestly, for people who grew up with healthy servings of the Wu, nothing is more exciting.

Raekwon, "Treasurers"

Best. Haircut. Ever.

Sosa says: I told you a long time ago...not to fuck me!

Is there even a need to write anything? Gully? Bangin'? Hood? This defies description. Reason #345779745 why I fucking LOVE the NBA.

We Eat Fish, Toss Salads, and Make Rap Ballads

Ain't no such thangs as halfway crooks

Something a little gullier from NYC underground cat Ali Bey:

- Ali Bey, "R.A.P."
I feel like this is the sort of album track that, from a sequencing standpoint, could serve as a good juxtaposition transition from something like Bey's meandering "Fonky Shit" into a minimal, drum-driven heatrock. Does Bey have that in him, though? It might be nice to hear. His flow on this track matches the steady beat, and in general, he seems to rhyme, literally, over the beat, as though he's gonna spit regardless of what's happening with the music. A harder track might require him to change up a little.

More music? How about some new joints from North Carolina. Listen to these and consider: Is the East Coast sound as we tend to think of it (read: New York) really over? Or, have other regions, notably North Carolina (and 9th Wonder), used it as a platform while New York heads have either fallen off (Bad Boy what?), become reactionary (hello, Juelz), or lost their respective ways (what is Talib Kweli's sonic identity these days?)? Does Fat Joe really do anything to rep the NYC other than wear a Yankees cap? Couldn't he be making his music based in Miami? Can he please stop using the N-word?

Aside from Cam'ron and Ghostface, is anyone from New York really consistently making music that carries with it a consistent, distinguishing character? I am not arguing that a Native Tongue or a Mobb Deep sound is still fresh, but those hip-hop modalities also are not the boring anachronism that many have cast them as while dismissing them as dead. The shit still sounds good when made well. I just don't think that there are East Coast MCs who really take the time to craft records with a sonic continuity, thereby refining the traditional hip-hop elements that made records like The Infamous..., Illmatic, Low End Theory, Cuban Links, and all those other joints so worthwhile. I mean, it's not a coincidence that O.C. and AZ put out good "East Coast" records this year. Both dudes know who they are and work at it. The East Coast sound is fine; I just think that most of the good MCs are dead.

I'd also add that the New York/East Coast sound has changed as it has spread, been adopted, and gotten tweaked, rendering it simultaneously worn out and re-born. Aren't Kanye's chipmunk soul and the blaring Heatmakerz beats natural progressions from Pete Rock's sampling? From DJ Premier's sonic collages? 50's "Disco Inferno," courtesy of Cali's Dr. Dre, is just an enhanced EPMD beat, no? The point is not to diminish Houston or Atlanta or Memphis or anywhere else from which new musical contributions are emerging. Rather, the point is that the East Coast's demise is overstated: It still works (Raekwon's Treasurers is fucking NUTS); it still excites (have you heard Ghostface's "Be Easy"?); it still evolves (witness MF Doom); and it's still influential (see above). It's just been submerged beneath the zeitgeist- and disingenuous-hipster-driven deluge of new sounds from burgeoning regions that are finna establish permanent homes in the collective hip-hop consciousness.

Oh yeah, the New York music from North Carolina...
- The Allies, "Change Ya Ways"

- Brown James, "Change 4$"

- Cesar Comanche, "All Praises Due"

- The Away Team, "One 'N Only"

...What Was I Saying?

Sucks to get in trouble, huh?

Some links that have been rendered nearly obsolete by the failings of my internets connection:

- Much less significant than both the fucked situation at the New York Times and the general erosion of independent and circumspect journalism but ironically symptomatic, I present this post from the Motown Sports Revival: Censorship Isn't Cool.

Here's the basic premise for the uninitiated: Most universities that field teams to compete in high-revenue sports like football and basketball are covered not only by the regular press, but also by publications--fan newspapers and "fanzine" magazines--that are explicitly focused on just one university. Resultantly, they slant the coverage so that even the worst of teams--like 0-11; half-the-team-arrested; players-can't-find-an-academic-building-with-a-map; free-shoes-are-great; student-athletes-need-help-from-friends-of-the-program worst--are always just one year away from a national title run. Michigan is no different, and it has two prominent publications, each with its own website, message board, and web-ring affiliation: TheWolverine.com and GoBlueWolverine.com.

The irony, of course, is that these publications are everything but explicit in their biases and have been around for a while, so the censoring of honest dissent is not really surprising (though no less frustrating) and not really unexpected. But in this new era of failing journalism, the bias has come to be nearly offensive as mainstream press follows the lead--though not as shamelessly--of these provincial sports journals. Who would have thought that anyone would be pining for unbiased coverage from purposely non-objective sources? I think much of it owes to the access to unique information that these publications offer and the speed with which they can disseminate it via online articles and message-board posts.

Like Jake, I think that those sites--especially their member-supported message boards--should allow for the unencumbered discussion of UM sports, regardless of the opinions being advanced or the tone of the dialogue. Take off the profane or the explicit, but why bother with everything else? Most message-board communities are self-regulating, dissuading certain kinds of participation and establishing a general framework for discourse. If people don't like something, they don't read it, and that sends a message regarding content, style, and tone. Given this belief, I find it unfortunate that sites like The Wolverine.com censor their users' inputs because fairly or not, it creates the perception that the publication has something invested in the success of Michigan sports and inappropriate relationships with the people and teams it covers.

- I never got into Chappelle's Show the way that I was supposed to, as a hip-hop fan, a comedy fan, and a Dave Chappelle fan. I certainly wasn't as into it as all those white kids who thought it validated their multiculturalism or lent them street cred by claiming it was the funniest show since...um, ever? To be sure, it had its moments. And I loved it when Dave would lampoon some of the conventions of hip-hop, but It was always the sort of program that would make me smile and appreciate the ideas behind the performances while failing to consistently make me laugh out loud. The program, nor Chappelle's subsequent freak-out/breakdown/declaration of independence, did not diminish my regard for Chappelle, though, and after reading this piece, I like him more than ever, I think.

Also, how awesome is it that David Banner is a quoted source of authority? See here:

But another confidant, the rapper David Banner, wondered if Mr. Chappelle might still be struggling with the consequences of his drastic professional choices. "He looked better than he ever looked to me," said Mr. Banner, who appeared with Mr. Chappelle in a series of Hurricane Katrina benefits. "But he's the one who decides whether he can look at himself in the daytime. The one thing you have to understand about comedians is, the more they make people smile, the more pain that they usually feel inside."

- Schembechler Hall, back like Juelz Santana

- Here's the latest reason to hate Page 2: It ruins your childhood.

Like many men, I have spent a lot of time talking to people my father about the greatest all-time college teams. How would anyone defend Alcindor and Walton? Would Jordan even start for UNC if we're only talking about college performance? Who's the starting point guard for Georgia Tech? Imagine the pre-game dunk line for UNLV! It's probably one of my favorite activities, and the minute he says something like "Can you believe the number of pros who were on that Kentucky team with Pitino?" a huge grin creeps across my face because I know it could be a thirty-minute stroll down memory lane, filled with imagine-ifs and what's-the-starting-fives.

But as fun as the activity is, it's the sort that is almost better when left to informality because it is based upon the hypothetical, and a romp through the hedonistic basketball universe of the undefined is an almost visceral pleasure that can't translate to tangible reality.

Especially not when the dumb fucks at ESPN are systematically ruining everything in sports by over saturating the market with thoughtless whimsy and indulgent tripe that unfairly carries supposed legitimacy because of the company's media hegemony. Have people checked out Page 2's Great College Hoops Tournament? Not only does it feel inauthentic, and not only does it lose the allure hypothetical tournaments earn through afternoons with fathers and nights with friends in bars, but it's just wrong. Or bad. Or whatever pejorative you want to use.

The parameters for the tournament are not good. First of all, if it's about the best all-time college teams, then limit the discussion to college performance. The heroics of the tournament lend discussions about college basketball an element of interpretation that can't be matched by the NBA and only enhances these made-up matchups. Was Miles Simon really that good or did that tournament run obscure a more pedestrian career? Since Stanford didn't ever win it all while he was there, are we forgetting how effective Brevin Knight was in college? The NBA playoffs give us answers that we can't always find in college, and that uncertainty is fun.

And second of all, if it's really about the best all-time college teams given who became good pros, don't make such dumb personnel choices. Why is Mateen Cleaves even on the Michigan State roster? He is one of the worst NBA payers in the past decade, and college teammates Charlie Bell and Morris Peterson get a lot more burn than him.

Look at Duke vs. DePaul. Eric Neel implores us to consider NBA performance when assessing the matchups, and that's OK since it's his bad tournament with his bad rules. But shouldn't someone hung up on NBA performance be asking why Elton Brand isn't on the roster while Christian Laettner is? How about Carlos Boozer? Corey Magette? That's three all-star caliber players, and as Neel writes of the Duke team, "Them's some college-only style players right there, baby. I just don't see them getting it done."

So to reiterate: Thanks for ruining a great game and my childhood, ESPN. Now, every time I want to play this game, I'm going to think of how you've butchered it and then I'll go into an anger coma. Why does EVERYTHING that ESPN has done in the past, like, five years--save for Playmakers--have to suck so much?

- What ever happened to the halcyon days of old when a Trail Blazer could belittle a coach and get a huge contract extension?

Yeah, Yeah It Goes...

Guess who got his internets back? Post coming later...

Eff an Interwebs Connection

Technical difficulties are making my life a suck. Sorry. It also doesn't help that I broke my computer by drooling as I thought about Kevin Garnett playing for the Bricks. More on that when internets come back to my home.

Life = Over

Joey on Saturday when Michigan pooch punted

Re-hireJohnCooper.com

FireJimHerrmann.com

DecapitateTerryMalone.com

DevelopDefensiveTalent.com

As Black Thought might say: "And it weighs a ton..." Can someone please do something about this rotting football program?

wcmartin@umich.edu

"...We Ride on Chrome"

An entire career in one photo

Gonna be gone this weekend. Taking a little trip to Ann Arbor for a little thing I like to call The Game. If Michigan happens to lose, this will probably turn into one of thoSe blogs on which the author "talks" about how emotionally destroyed he is and posts 4,000 words about loneliness. Watch out...

Where have I been? 1988. And by that, I mean that my internets connection has been broken. It was fixed just in time for me to be exhausted and traveling. Sweet.

Has any program been more entertaing this fall than Run's House? I can't tell if my favorite part is/was: Run sending out emails from the bathtub every episode; Run wearing a cape most of the time when he goes into Manhattan; Run talking to Puff Daddy and Puffy getting really serious and making sure that women and the public, in general Run knew that he was (and is, I guess) a freak.

Some quick NBA thoughts:
- Bill Simmons should consider reading more often. That way, he'd be spared the embarrassment of writing columns that everyone--I mean, like, professional writers, bloggers, and even kindergarteners--wrote over the summer. From the Isiah jokes to the roster analysis to the criticisms of Brown, Simmons did a wonderful job wasting everyone's time.

- It's probably time for us all to start coming up with new terms to describe Michael Olowokandi. I know he dropped a respectable 14 and 6 on Washington, but did anyone else see that embarrassing "dunk attempt" in the second half during which he somehow managed to get blocked while simultaneously punching and kicking the defender? He has taken basketball failure (relative to draft position, potential, and supposed intelligence) to a whole new level that probably can't be matched by anyone...

- ...Unless he's named Kwame Brown. I watch him and I struggle to discern one thing he's learned in the Association. This year feels like his fifth rookie season, doesn't it? Dwight Howard has already accomplished more than Kwame might ever.

- What have I been saying about Andre Iguodala? Jyeah!

- So far, the Bucks probably have the coach of the year, the comeback player of the year, and the sixth man of the year. Not bad for a team that used to be irrelevant and wasn't picked to make the playoffs. Terry Porter deserves to be coaching this team, though.

- The George Karl statute of limitations seems to have kicked in earlier than ever this year...

The Trinity?

- Talib Kweli ft. MF Doom, "Fly That Knot" (prod. by Kanye West)
This is, like, way too much internets-celebrity power: Talib, an acknowledged fav among the OkayPlayer set; Kanye, an acknowledged fav among tastemakers; and Doom, an acknowledged fav among, well, everyone. And can I assume that A-Trak is scratching in the background? That's just another internets star. Jesus! I'm freakin' out, man.

Bol might be the only person left to hate on this record. I don't even think it's so great, but the confluence of so many elements that I want to love sort of blows my mind right now.

I just wish that hip-hop superstar Jon Brion could have been involved. Then this record would be the best thing EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It could, like, totally redefine hip-hop and take it to a better place.

Thoughts?

Fun with Referrals

Please, everyone, extend a hearty welcome to readers who arrived here while searching for the definition of "what it do."

And, please don't neglect that one reader who wound up on the Bangin' because he or she sought, "If it's all about basketball why are you boning me...why aren't you boning Dick Vitale?"

Music for a Monday

Sometimes, what goes down happens to come up

- Win at last, win at last, thank God almighty...

- Jack McCallum, borrowing my brain for a minute.... (Although, let's not forget that Toby did, in fact, try to be a rapper.)

- Schembechler Hall, gearing up for a big week of anti-Buckeye vitriol.

Now, about that music...
- Juelz Santana ft. Lil' Wayne and Young Jeezy, "Make It Work for You"
I can only imagine how nuts this song has certain internets going. That new Juelz record (Straight Bangin' review forthcoming) is what one might call predictable: Harlem-style Chipmunk soul; reactionary zeitgeist-inspired minimalism production; synthetically dramatic samples; word play; the regular subject matter; "Ay!" Nothing spectacular, but like most other Diplomats efforts, it provides some modicum of that alluring, absurd fun that owes to the alternate reality in which the Dip Set is fully immersed.

- The Allies, "Change Ya Ways"
A new project from 9th Wonder. Though far from the rap-noir style 9th produces for Legacy, the beats on this entire EP are a little, um, darker? Harder? Neither is really the right word, but my music vocabulary is failing me right now. Really, the differing aesthetic of this track when set in relief of your typical Little Brother joint might be the way that the emcees flow--their voices and cadences are a little gullier than anything Phonte and Pooh summon. And I don't mean that as a criticism of anyone.

- Kool G Rap ft. Killer Mike and Bun B., "Real OGs"
Chopped and screwed elements + southern-style staccato melody + Kool G Rap's East-Coast flow + stars of the South = hip-hop for all constituencies? This beat, though somewhat bland, really hosts the flows well until Killer Mike does his muted-yelling, fuck a tempo routine.

No Umbrella Today

The model democrat?

- Peep game: Pound for Pound

- And if you haven't done so, please peep Schembechler Hall. Where else can you find an outlet for your Michigan sports-related discontent? Who knows, there might even be a few ideas that interest you.

- New York has been really cloudy lately. Honestly, it's felt like the sun hasn't shone here in years. Every time you look toward the sky, all you see are the ominous gray clouds of Republican foolishness and dishonesty. Elsewhere--places like Crawford, TX and wherever Dick Cheney maintains his various fortresses of solitude--there has been nothing but sunshine. Brazen behavior; cunning duplicity; hostility toward dissenters--it's been an eternal spring. But meanwhile in New York, we suffer. War, deficits, corruption, myopia, cruelty--it's been an ugly storm that lingers over New York, blocking out the rejuvenating rays of light that fuel hope and altruism. Honestly, you can't help but excuse the political seasonal affective disorder that afflicts people like me. It's hard to stay up when the endless procession of dark days only brings you down.

Resultantly, you'll have to pardon me for wearing shorts this week. Much like a college student overreacting to those first fifty-degree days of March, I can't help but break out the sartorial summery stuff in the wake of a fairly positive Tuesday and a recent string of news that is perhaps somewhat mollifying if not encouraging. (After all, can perjury and treason really be unconditionally good things?)

However, I haven't permanently changed over my closet just yet. The specter of Samuel Alito and a conservative majority on the Court still looms. And I can't help but think that the supposed lessons of the Kaine victory may carry with them unintended consequences. What if the deft Democratic political maneuvering in Virginia is writ large throughout the country in 2006 and 2008, creating a Democratic party whose rhetoric is not of absolute right to choose but instead is of tolerated choice despite personal divergence? If a growing majority of the country embraces a personal aversion to abortion but balances it with a respect for decided law, how long until a critical mass calls for a new precedent for a new time? There are still many reasons to keep a sweater and raincoat handy.

But maybe I am just a cynical, defeated worrier. Amy Sullivan thinks that I'm wrong, for instance. She thinks that a Democrat winning on the issues while embracing his faith is a very good thing. I can understand that argument. Perhaps Kaine is, indeed, an ideological paradigm, one whose effective communications allowed him to erect a bulwark separating personal feelings from professional obligations that was perceived among voters as legitimate. If so--if he has created a blueprint for Democrats who seek to honor the liberal mission and reconcile the role of faith in that agenda--so be it. That's a good thing, and it's not like Americans are going to stop caring about religion. But what if, instead, a Kaine victory encourages numerous and increasingly sloppy applications of the strategy. We already have witnessed presidential aspirant and full-time sycophant Hillary Clinton scrambling to embrace faith-based initiatives. How many other capricious copycats will be running on platforms similar to Kaine's that gradually begin to accentuate faith above all else in attempts to "win" the issue of morality?

I am happy about the Kaine victory, and I am encouraged that Democrats may finally be figuring out how to better acknowledge and respect faith. I just hope that the party uses the triumph in Virginia to simultaneously redouble its efforts to reinforce the notion that the establishment clause should be grounds for a separation of the public and the private. Religion has no place in public life, and that is the most critical takeaway from the Kaine victory. I think another storm is moving in, but I shall enjoy this moment in the sun, as it is likely fleeting.

Digging in 9th Wonder's Crates

No cars? No jewry? No drugs? Um, no sales. A melancholy truth

Update: I realize that the rapidshare labels have rendered the game obsolete. Fuck it.

Match up the original with the sampling Little Brother song:
1) Stylistics, "One Night Affair"

2) Floaters, "No Stronger Love"

3) Arthur Verocal, "Caboclo"

4) Stylistics, "What's Happenin' Baby"

Answers:
A) "We Got Now"
B) "Beautiful Morning"
C) Minstrel Show opening and closing theme
D) "Lovin' It"

Homeric Tales: He Punched Her with Admirable Technique

(Editor's note: Consider this the first of many posts which will be part of my newly invented Homeric Tales series.)

Are any Straight Bangin' readers based in Memphis or Oakland? Dame? I ask because I feel sorry for you people. Your cities have, arguably, the most homerific of all the NBA homer announcers. There are, of course, some fantastic homers roaming NBA sidelines and tearing the ass out of every gray cloud to find the silver lining hidden within. Mike Gorman and Tom Heinsohn of Bahston immediately come to mind. But in the nascent stages of this NBA season, no announcers love their teams more than the dudes from Memphis and Oakland love theirs, respectively.

Don Poier and Michael Cage call Grizzlies games. If LeBron James were to dunk on Lorenzen Wright--I mean, like, give him the basketball equivalent of the way that Jay-Z talks to Memphis Bleek--Poier and Cage would only talk about how well Wright had tried to duck out of the way. Look how quickly he gets his chin down and to the left--that's how you play smart, safe basketball. No sense in risking injury while someone flies through the air out of control and with no right to be there.

It's pathetic. If Damon Stoudamire were to get arrested for weed possession again, they'd probably be carrying on about how good the weed was--no stems, no seeds, just really good stuff. And I will put money on them complimenting Mike Fratello for what has to be the worst toupe in the NBA, Marv Albert included.

But if anyone can out-homer Memphis's duo, it's Golden State groupies Jim Barnett and Bob Fitzgerald. When these two guys call a game (roughly seventy per season), you wouldn't even know that the Warriors were playing another team. Instead, it sounds like a two-and-a-half-hour promotional DVD: Jason Richardson is really an elite player in this league; even when Troy Murphy does something wrong, he's doing something right; Mike Dunleavy will grow into that contract; these next five games will really be a good challenge for an explosive and exciting team like ours.

Homering is something that has become more and more common as NBA teams--like baseball teams-- televise their games on their own networks or through special arrangements with network and cable partners. And I suppose I'd be a homer too if my paycheck were coming from the team that I was covering (see: everyone on the insufferable YES network during Yankees season). But really, these guys make it sound like Baron Davis could rape his mother and get beatified.

Alright, it feels good to have that off of my chest.

Schembechler Hall...

...is on and poppin' HERE.

Grown and Sexy Audio

Song's not bad; wardrobe needs some work. Talk to Kanye, perhaps.

A little bonus audio because I'm nice like that:

- Tony Hussle, "She's a Virgin, Too"
It's simple, but that makes it easy to listen to. Thoughts?

And more Hussle here.

The New Science

Public policy wonk Carl Everett giving a shout out to his primary collaborator

Do you ever wake up thinking that you missed the memo. You know, the memo: The one about science no longer, like, mattering? From today's New York Times article about the Museum of Natural History's Charles Darwin exhibit:

"According to a CBS News poll last month, 51 percent of Americans reject the theory of evolution, saying that God created humans in their present form. And reflecting a longstanding sentiment, 38 percent of Americans believe that creationism should be taught instead of evolution, according to an August poll by the Pew Research Center in Washington." (emphasis added)

Um, let's all take a moment to get this out of our systems: WHAT...THE...FUCK?! More than half of America thinks that the foundation of modern biology and genetics is bogus? That in addition to creating humans as they are, God also took out a shovel and went through the painstaking process of digging evolutionary links--fossils--into the earth? And almost forty percent think that evolution shouldn't even be taught? Why stop there? Why not just burn all the chemistry books and thank God for creating Kool-Aid, Reese cups, waffle cones, the meat used at Blimpie's, and food coloring? I mean come on, admit it: the design of those semi-hydrated cinna-minis at Burger King is pretty fucking intelligent.

And, what's most importantly: Why is everyone biting Carl Everett's ideas?

Thank, um, Darwin(?) that there are still bastions of rational thought. From the latest version of the University of Michigan's LSA Magazine:

"Alternatives to evolution have been presented but were rejected because they lacked the scientific evidence for their propositions, or they lacked the techniques to find that evidence. In some places, those whose theories have been rejected by the scientific community--those advocating the teaching of creationism or "intelligent design," for example--now turn to political bodies and, in the name of balance, seek to have scientifically discredited ideas taught in classrooms. Though UM will continue to respect people's religious beliefs, these beliefs are distinct from scientific discovery and should not interfere with its pace and progress. At a time when our scientific predominance is under challenge from other countries, it would be disastrous to turn back the clock on the teaching of science in our schools. We certainly will not do so here in the College of LSA."

Fuck yeah. Go Blue!

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I mean, look at all of this shit:

- White is the new 1950s black?

'"I think it's sad when some whites feel they must stifle their opinions because of the color of their skin. That must be what life was like for blacks in the 1950s,' Byington wrote."

- Utah is the new Hollywood?

- Elliot Abrams is the new moderate?

- The Pittsburgh Pirates are the new Dallas Mavericks?

Sad Moments in Hip-Hop History

The worst British idea since...Olowokandi?...Ever?...(Insert yours here!)

No, I don't have time to catalogue them all. And honestly, every single embarrassing minute during which the idiots who run sites like Pitchfork waste this planet's oxygen by breathing as they think about which bad, disposable hip-hop they can condescendingly glorify is another one. Thus, any attempt to authoritatively list all of them would be rendered obsolete before I even threw in the first hyperlink. For now, how about two recent happenings?

1) S.A.S. has come out with a new album
I know, I know. FINALLY, right? After Common's, this was probably the album I most wanted to hear this year. And sure enough, it didn't disappoint. It's been a long time since I first heard Choppa's Straight from the N.O. and, really, I was starting to forget just how much fun it is to hear something so humorously terrible. Think about how tough it can be for a hater to go almost three full years without something new to fixate on when seething in disappointment and cynicism: That's a long time without anything so amazingly awful that it causes you to re-calibrate your scale of suckitude. But thankfully, the Dip Set Euro Gang came through for me with the worst rap album I can remember in recent times. Squalay!

- S.A.S., "On Dem Roads"
You're not hearing things, they actually do say "Dip Set Shower Gang."

- S.A.S., "Dip Set All Day"
I think that this is the Styx remix. We can only hope that the original comes out on a bootleg, as a b side, or on a Jim Jones-hosted mixtape.

- S.A.S., "Rock and Roll"
It wouldn't be the Dips if it didn't have some awesomely absurd sample.

[Undulating Monster Truck Rally Voice] Dip Set fans...the same crew that brought the hood pink-as-gully; that brought your lexicon "Ay ay!"; that brought you lyrical genius like "Go uptown to Harlem, tell 'em that I sent ya/Tell 'em it's August, I'm gone ti' November/I need a couple birds, get a broad, have 'em sent up/Call my bird, get my broad, have her sent up/Call my niggas, call my squad, have 'em sent up"; now presents[/UMTRV]...what it would sound like if two retards bought a drum machine and decided that they wanted to make the Special Olympics version of a hip-hop musical.

Let's see: Pan flute? Check. Hackneyed synthetic reality answering machine interludes? Check. Overwrought symphonic score? Check. Ersatz drama? Check. Studio gangsterism? Check. Tourettes-inspired pre-song shout outs and perplexing lingo? Check. It's all here! If you act now, we'll even throw in a guest spot from the walking crack rock himself, Juelz Santana!

Best of all, this S.A.S. joint features some of the dumbest lyrics you'll hear until the next Mike Jownes record. My personal favorites? "Jyeah/This is a leader ship/Hop on this leadership/You ain't eatin' shit/No you ain't-a need a brick..." I'm also really feelin', "We used to move yay to them cats/Now we got the U.K. on our backs." Rakim, Chuck D, KRS-One--eat a dick.

I don't know what else to write, really. I think this is a good time to reconsider if the Diplomats movement is really a good international agenda for the American marketplace to be fueling. It's hard to sound gully when your microphone voice is an essential component of a gay butler persona that someone could adopt on a given Halloween.

Update: The Man has asked for some discretion.

Music for a Monday

Rhymefest, "All Girls Cheat"

Rhymefest, "Build Me Up"

Sheek Louch (ft. Ghostface Killah), "Movie Niggas"

What's Today's Mathematics, Son? Knowledge, God.

Not surprisingly, Ron appears quite familiar with the gesture for a flagrant foul.

- Ron Artest talking about David Stern in Friday's Indianapolis Star:

"I know him," Artest said. "He's a cool cat. I think he's from the 'hood. It's good he's showing us some support. I can't wait until he comes to Indiana. Indiana fans are looking forward to seeing him." [emphasis added]

There is not a more fun player in the L.

- Why did Michael Jordan play for the Wizards? Why does Magic Johnson insinuate himself into every possible basketball-related situation? Why did Grant Hill come back so many times? Why doesn't someone like Ervin Johnson just retire already? Well, here's just another nugget of insight. When your life is devoted, in near totality, to this one thing, and when it's the only thing at which you are certain you are among the absolute best, it is seemingly impossible to give it up. It's pathetic and understandable and relatable. Who could just walk away from his identity?

But hold up, please: Allan Houston might get his jersey retired while Eddy Curry runs around playing in Oakley's number 34? AW, HELL TO THE NAW! retireoakleysnumber.com--let's get that going.

- Sports Illustrated's Most Underrated Stars in the NBA:

1) Al Harrington
2) Kirk Hinrich
3) Drew Gooden
4) Tayshaun Prince
5) Jeff Foster
6) Udonis Haslem
7) Chris Bosh
8) Caron Butler
9) Josh Howard
10) Marcus Camby
11) Jason Richardson
12) Elton Brand
13) Chris Kaman
14) Shawn Marion
15) Rashard Lewis
16) Andrei Kirilenko

First of all, I take umbrage with SI conferring "star" status upon guys like Jeff Foster, Udonis Haslem, and Chris Kaman. This is not the WWE where "superstar" is part of the job title. This is the NBA, where stars are players who carry teams, make important plays, and do things that most of their colleagues can't. Marion, Lewis, Brand, and Kirilenko are all-star caliber players, so I accept them as stars. But everyone else seems like a role player to me. Some of them are very good at playing those roles, and I am not one to overlook the significance of specialization of task (read: Camby is good at blocking shots and rebounding and that's it), but let's not ruin our credibility by making a dumb list and then struggling to fill it with names.

Oh, Those Funny ESPN Pundits

I am hoping that this is the next contestant on a Summer Jam screen at some point.

Public Enemy, "Shut 'Em Down"

Public Enemy, "Fight the Power"

The not-so-insidious evil that is ESPN's dominance of mainstream sports media was far more conspicuous this weekend as ESPN effectively generated a story and destroyed a team to promote its Sunday night football game between the Eagles and the Redskins.

As far as I can tell: Terrell Owens did an interview with ESPN in which he criticized Donovan McNabb and the Eagles; ESPN made the interview its top story and devoted seemingly thirty minutes of every hour--regardless of the programming schedule--to discussing T.O. all week; the Eagles got upset; Owens issued a wack-ass apology; ESPN ran with that, giving it the deluge treatment; Owens got suspended for "behavior detrimental to the team"; ESPN ran with that, making sure that no one in the world didn't know about Owens.

Before I proceed, let's be clear on a few things: 1) Terrell Owens in arguably the best wide receiver in the NFL; 2) Terrell Owens is arguably the worst teammate in the NFL; 3) Terrell Owens should probably keep his mouth shut and just play; 4) Terrell Owens may have also been suspended for a fight with Hugh Douglas.

I am not denying any of that. And perhaps because of numbers 2 and 3, constant problems are sure to follow Owens. That may render the entire thesis of this post incorrect, or at least specious. I am open to that. But for now, I feel pretty good writing that ESPN's monopoly has enabled the company to cross the line that separates covering the news from being the news with relative immunity, and that was clear this weekend.

Throughout the off-season, all anyone on ESPN talked about was T.O. Owens is brash, dramatic, and myopic, so he says a lot of things that pundits can discuss and viewers--agree or disagree--can get shocked by (and perhaps indignant about). He "makes the needle move," as some like to say. In a contemporary era when news coverage is expected to create revenue, if not profit, it's hard to ignore these market forces when setting news agendas. If it bleeds, it leads; and if it involves Owens, it's with that which we're goin'. Every time Terrell says or does something, all the pundits agree that he's a great player who causes problems, and that the best thing we can all do is ignore him and stop listening. What's so laughable about these self-righteous proclamations from the Sean Salisburys and Mark Schlereths of this world is that they always leave out the punch line: The best thing we can all do is ignore Owens and stop listening...but we won't because we won't continue to make money that way.

Instead, we get these synthetic controversies that carry with them real consequences. ESPN didn't have to interview Owens this week. It also didn't have to make the interview its top news item of the week during a news cycle that included the opening of the NBA season, the increasing clarity of the college football landscape, the culmination of the PGA Tour with a tournament featuring twenty-nine of the top thirty players, and an impending showdown between the two best teams in the AFC over the past five years. But it did. Why? I can't possibly tell you with complete accuracy. T.O.'s been hurt, but getting information on that requires reading an injury report or producing a thirty-second report from Sal Paolantonio in which he says "Terrell Owens's ankle has been giving him some problems, and he was initially thought to be questionable for this week's game against the Redskins. However, I asked T.O. how he was feeling and he said that he'd probably be ready to go on Sunday. Back to you..."

So why did ESPN interview Owens? Hope. It was probably hoping that he'd do exactly what he did--say something that could lead to a controversy that could cause real problems that could fill air time that could fuel fan interest in an otherwise commonplace mid-season football game that IS AIRING ON ESPN.

That last part is capitalized because it's become as much a part of this story as Terrell Owens. Every time--EVERY TIME!--this story gets mentioned on ESPN or written about on ESPN.com, ESPN's broadcast of the Eagles-Redskins game is mentioned prominently. Maybe I am a conspiracy theorist chasing an illusion until the BCS does something stupid, but for the life of me, I can't understand why else ESPN effectively created a story to promote an undistinguished football game.

Again, Owens should shut up, and ESPN is entitled to report news. But with its agenda-setting power and cross-media information monopoly, it's hard to tell what is a big deal and what isn't, what is intrusive activist journalism and what isn't. Why was Owens being interview this week?

Tour Championship Open Thread

Nas says: Big up to Tiger Woods

I know, I know: WTF? An open thread for a golf tournament? While I consider golf to be my fourth-favorite sport to watch (after NBA, college football, and college basketball), and while I love playing golf, it's not a sport that really jumps out at you as one that warrants a receptacle for running commentary. Especially not on this interweb because, honestly, most people don't follow the PGA closely enough to conjure an endless torrent of cynical comments and sarcastic jokes. But today, that's changing.

ABC is using elevator-music versions of hip-hop songs as the soundtrack for its coverage. I am so dumbfounded by this turn of events that I can't even possibly process all of my emotions. Is it great that hip-hop is now conquering yet another previously inaccessible realm? Is it horrible that the perversely seductive uptight waspiness of golf is suddenly being assailed by something far less precious? Is this a triumph? Is this a tragedy since Jim Nantz isn't involved in the spectacle? Wouldn't it be a lot more fun if he were saying things like, "Thanks, Lanny. We'll "Stay Fly"...with the compelling sounds of Three 6 Mafia as we check out our leaderboard. Charles Howell making a move. Adam Scott playing well. And look at Jack, still commanding our adoration after all of these years. You are watching continuing coverage of the PGA Tour on America's home for golf, CBS."

I have only been catching the coverage sporadically as I watch Iowa vs. Northwestern, Fat vs. Fat in South Bend, and some other games, but I've managed to catch a commercial lead-in accompanied by a stripped down version of "Gold Digger" and a day-by-day shot analysis on the fifteenth hole to which Ludacris's "Roll Out" lent a certain dramatic flair.

Please, chime in. Let's explore this development...

Like Bringing a Pen to a Test

The smiling face of stupidity

A brief pop quiz...

Section 1 - Basketball
1) You're tied at 89 with 19 seconds left and the shot clock has been turned off. Your team has the ball, you're at home, and on many pieces of paper you've been deemed better than your opponent. Do you:

A) Dribble the clock down to six seconds and then make your move using a pick at the top of the key.
B) Work the ball around the perimeter using a series of handoffs, screens, and short passes until finally putting two capable players in a pick-and-roll.
C) Shoot an off-balanced, contested jumper with ten seconds left on the clock.
D) Let time expire while dreaming of your nasty-ass wife La La.

2) You've fought your way back from a sixteen-point deficit to take a lead. You've been killing your opponent with dribble penetration and pinpoint jump shooting. As you're running down the floor, Richard Jefferson and you get tangled up, and soon, you're involved in the nascent stages of a potential fracas. You won't fight Jefferson because:

A) You don't fight people who sound like fraggles and can't hit free throws.
B) You shouldn't be on a basketball court in the first place since you were almost paralyzed.
C) You already are afflicted by a southern drawl that would lead Larry David's father to declare that you "don't respect speech" and don't need to be punched in the mouth.
D) All of the above

3) Your name is Larry Brown and, according to the results of an anonymous GM survey, you have been voted the best coach; the coach best at making in-game adjustments; the coach most trusted to win just one game; and the coach who is the most reliable with two minutes left in a given game. On opening night of a new season, you find yourself coaching yet another team while your old one unveils its new look. Do you:

A) Watch your current team fold in overtime because of sloppy execution.
B) Watch your former team score 100 points with relative ease as it displays a deeper bench than you were willing to cultivate.
C) Watch two players who you refused to play in the Olympics--Dwyane Wade and LeBron James--put the league on notice that it is theirs for the taking.
D) Watch Doc Rivers as he walks off the court victorious and feel even worse knowing that you've lost to an incompetent.

4) Kobe Bryant is going to take the last shot of a game that proverbially hangs in the balance. To distract him, do you:

A) Leave him single-covered and tempt fate.
B) Pretend to be a spa employee conducting a tour of the facility.
C) Make a last-second trade for Ruben Patterson.
D) Realize that you just can't stop the best closer in the game.

Section 2 - Life
1) You're on a subway car that won't leave the station for a few minutes. You sit down next to a group of roughly ten black kids who are loudly singing along to the songs stored on a cell phone. They have backpacks with them and are dressed like teenagers--baggy jeans; sneakers; the whole nine. Everyone else on the train is white. Do you:

A) Get off because the noise is a rude contravention of unpublished subway etiquette.
B) Read The New Yorker and bob your head along to the music.
C) Ask the kids to make less noise.
D) Laugh as you look at all the uncomfortable white people too scared to say something because they don't want to have an "incident."

2) You leave work to get your haircut. When you return, a colleague asks you, "Did you get a haircut?" even thought she knows that you did. You confirm her suspicion (without telling her that you know that she knows because you're polite like that and it would be awkward to do otherwise). She asks you with whom you contract to have your hair cut and where this establishment can be found (presumably because she's curious and not because she, too, wants to go). Sensing a thirst for more knowledge, you decide to quench it. Which of the following enticements do you omit when explaining the appeal of your out-of-the-way barber?

A) The pornographic magazines.
B) The persistent unintentional humor that arises from the proprietor's feeble attempts to hide the pornography, covering stacks of it with a single strategically placed Time magazine.
C) The chance to observe one of the apprentice-like sub-barbers always asleep in his chair, seemingly without a known customer in the world.
D) All of the above.

3) You Hate FOX because:

A) The O.C. has been gone too long despite an absence of baseball games.
B) Prison Break will not be on again until May after November 28.
C) You still harbor a grudge because it cancelled North Shore.
D) All of the above.

4) The worst news of the day was:

A) Jeff Probst is leaving Survivor after the spring.
B) Samuel Alito will probably be confirmed despite an approach to jurisprudence that you find disagreeable
C) A lightning bolt killed 68 cows (!)
D) All of the above

Section 3 - Miscellaneous
1) You should check out:

A) Schembechler Hall
B) Bol Guevara, big eff-ing time!
C) The Assimilated Negro, "My Name's Not"
D) The Assimilated Negro, "Girls I Like..."

Like what you heard? Peep more TAN right here

Taking It Back to the Streets

Grindin'

There is music to hear, but first, a photo montage and some thoughts from the opening night in the Association:


- Lots of wonderful new hairdos as the NBA season opens up, no? And let's not forget about that awesome Dan Gadzuric goatee. Do you think Duncan grew his out so that his hair matched some of those styles we can look forward to seeing in Get Rich or Die Tryin'? And wasn't it just inevitable that Adebisi would be in it?

- The Christies' relationship has reached a new high/low. After Dirk Nowitzki hit his third three during Dallas's furious fourth-quarter comeback, Doug stood up from the bench and made those I-love-you-and-don't-even-acknowledge-other-women hand gestures that will one day turn out to be part of some kind of sick murder-suicide situation. Now he has to do the gestures when someone else is doing something? Up until this point, the whole system made total sense and seemed completely normal, but now, I am starting to have some doubts.

- An underrated component in the annual NBA jump off is the debut of new NBA-themed commercials. TMac's is eh, but I like J.O. playing with those high school boys. The Wade joint was a little, um, contrived.

- One game means nothing...I know...BUT: Phoenix might be in some trouble during the opening stretch of the season if it can't even reach 100 without Amare, let alone the 110 that it usually needs to win. Nash shot too much, Marion wasn't in a rhythm, and it didn't seem like either of them really trusted the new guys. And James Jones has to set a real screen and then step back behind the line on the final possession.

- ...BUT: Dirk Nowitzki spent the first three quarters playing as though he were still praying that Ryan Bowen, and not TMac, would be on him when he looked up.

- ...BUT: T.J. Ford is the comeback player of the year.

- ...BUT: Milwaukee is making the playoffs, because of Ford, the nice strokes of Simmons and Redd, and the already impressive skills of Bogut. Dude is no Dwight Howard, but he will work in this lig.

- ...BUT: Physically, Chris Paul looked like Earl Boykins. It was so adorable ().

- ...BUT: J.R. Smith might use his arms too much on that jump shot. It doesn't seem like he relies on his legs when he launches from three.

- ...BUT: KMart seemed like he psyched himself out as he was mean muggin' for the San Antone fans and getting his WWE on.

- ...BUT: Michael Finley, enjoying whatever is being put in the San Antone water.

- ...BUT: If you're gonna set a pick, NBAers, actually put a body on someone!

New Isht:
- Papoose, "Body Bluffin'"
He always sounds like he thinks he knows something that you don't. I think that's part of his appeal. The Heatmakerz own the uptown strain of the chipmunk soul sound.

- Papoose, "Respect My Hustle"
Is New York hip-hop dead or is it simply an easily replicated sound? I don't think that this track is especially great, but it's easy to listen to and certainly has that East Coast aesthetic, no?

- Nas ft. Papoose, "Black Girl Lost"
This Bobby Valentino beat was a sample from the movie "Hero," no? If not, what is it from? I like this re-worked Nas verse, but seriously, how many of these albums are we going to get?

- Cesar Comanche ft. Median, "Get Ready"

Classics - Name That Tune Edition:
- Bobby Byrd, "I'm Not to Blame"
I. Will. Not. Lose!

- Bobby Womack, "Jealous Love"
Having heard the entire original, don't you respect 9th Wonder a little more?

- Donal Leace, "Today Won't Come Again"
This is for my sister, The Buckets...

- The Sylvers, "Stay Away from Me"
The opening sounds like something Mike Post would have written for a 1980s cop show, and I mean that in a good way. And, of course, every time I put this on, I keep thinking that this time could be the one when Tony shows up. God, I love this.

- Willie Hutch, "Tell Me Why Has Our Love Turned Cold"
Sample of the year?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Can I Please Have Your Attention

Bo knows blogging

I love college football and I love the University of Michigan. Hopefully both of those passions have become clear during this first fall of my internets venture. Given that this internet is driven by the ways in which I waste me time, there has been a lot of college football writing recently. While I've enjoyed it, all that time making all of those feeble jokes about college football has precluded more writing about hip-hop, basketball (although this week has helped compensate), politics, and the odds and ends that color my life.

I'd like for that to change, so I am unveiling my newest web venture: Schembechler Hall. The fine people who run SB Nation have asked me to maintain a Michigan-sports website. I will oblige, in part because I might get some $, but mostly because it sounds fun and will allow me to keep Straight Bangin' diverse and more engaging. Please check out the new site (which should last much longer than other failed side hustles of the past). Starting yesterday, it is the place where I will post news and observations about Michigan sports, and it will host my BlogPoll contributions (ballot, roundtables, general discussion, etc.).

I hope you can find time to read both. If not, maybe this spin off will help you find more of the concentrated content you might like.

I Let My Life Shine in Between These Painted Lines

The honeymoon's over; let's get it on again, y'all!

- John Tesh, "Roundball Magic"

- Nas, "My Will"

What's goin' on? What you throwin' on? It's part two of the NBA preview, and this time, I came with some friends. Before I get into that, though, make sure you peeped the knowledge that got dropped in PART ONE.

Now, about those friends. If you haven't checked it out by now, Idle at Work needs to be read on the regular. It's funny, it's observant, and it's mostly about the things that I'm about: basketball, hip-hop, pop culture, Jon Stewart, and the gulliest Russian novelists of all time. True to form, the idlers have been holding it down on the NBA preview tip. You can find their preseason thoughts here:

- Bold Predictions
- Atlantic
- Central
- Southeast
- Northwest
- Pacific
- Southwest

What you can't find there, though, are some preseason awards that still need to be handed out. So let's back into the swang o' thangs...

From zach of I@W:

LL Cool J "Didn't You Just Do This?" Award - Gary Payton, Miami Heat

Imagine that, someone actually--*gasp!*--going by GP. Get used to it, Miami.

The desperate struggle to remain relevant through reinvention despite a marked diminution in ability. Does Gary Payton learn anything, or does he suffer from the same ailment that afflicted Guy Pearce in Memento? Let's break down his decisions to join the dynamic/volatile Heat and the dynamic/volatile Lakers a couple years back into a mathematical equation:

Gary Payton + Shaq + "Superfuckingstar 2-guard" (Kobe/Wade) + "Forward worth writing home about" (Malone/Walker & Posey combined) = ?

Then, for giggles and shits, throw J-Dub into that mix this time around. If I recall, the Lakers went out like the original crew of the Event Horizon. 2 careers were destroyed, a franchise fell apart, a coach was fired, and only Shaq walked away moderately unscathed. I'm not trying to predict the future, I'm just learning from the past here. I hope Payton took at least a couple of minutes pondering this before signing that 'tract.

De La Soul "Consistency Like Fiyah" Award - Miami Heat and Houston Rockets

A rare moment

This is just eerie:

2004-2005:

Battle of the Big Big Men: Shaq vs. Yao

Battle of the Superfuckingstar 2-guards: Wade vs. T-Mac

Battle of the Van Gundy Brother Coaches: Stan vs. Jeff

Battle of the Georgetown relics: Zo vs. Dikembe

2005-2006:

Battle of the Nut Job Forwards: Antoine Walker vs. Stromile Swift

Battle of the Mature Playground Starting Point Guards: J-Dub vs. Skip

Battle of the Fallen Backcourt Complements: Payton vs. Derek Anderson

C'mon, that's just crazy.

From me:

The Game "Off-season Move Most Likely to Become a Pejorative Noun" Award - Golden State Warriors

It's obviously not his money.

Please Note: Due to various factors (innate stupidity, poor ownership oversight, limitless capacity for post-career failure) that were making this category uncompetitive, Isiah Thomas is no longer eligible for the award. From this point forward, it will be renamed in his honor and his head is currently being removed and cryogenically frozen so that it can be put on display in Springfield.

Mike Dunleavy just signed a five-year, $44-million contract extension. The following swingmen will make less than roughly $9 million next year: LeBron James, Josh Howard, Carmelo Anthony, Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, Corey Maggette, Antoine Walker, Bobby Simmons, Andre Iguodala, Peja Stojakovic. Nicely done, Chris Mullin. See here for guidance.

Ice Cube "Bitch in Yoo" Award - Michael Olowokandi, Minnesota Timberwolves

And we all thought it was the Clippers that had won the lottery...

An excerpt from a story detailing the Phoenix Suns' preseason mini camp that was in the most recent issue of Sports Illustrated:

(Assistants are discussing Amare Stoudemire's best dunks from last season)

"'I'm not sure his best dunk wasn't against Adonal Foyle in the Golden State game,' says Gentry.

'The one against [the Minnesota Timberwolves' Michael] Olowokandi was better,' counters Weber. 'Olowokandi is 7'1" and his wingspan must be 9'6".'

'That doesn't count,' says Gentry. 'Olowokandi's a pussy.'"

Remember on Oz when Peter Schibetta came back from the mental ward after Adibisi raped him and no one could respect Schibetta because of what had happened? Well, Olowokandi = Schibetta. It's official. An assistant coach in the same conference had no problem calling Kandi Man a "pussy" in the most important sports magazine in the country. Let that land. Jesus.

Most Improved Player - Nenad Krstc, Nw Jrsy Nts

Throw it...up, big man?

I already have James Jownes (Who?! His album...) winning the Killa Cam award, and I@W already made a nice pick in Mickael Pietrus, so let me shine the spotlight on someone else who needs some dap: Nenad Krstic. People like to pretend as though Jason Kidd, Vince Carter, and Richard Jefferson are finna play three-on-five this season, but those are the same sort of people who think that assembling a lineup with five small forwards is a good idea. Alright, so maybe I'm only talking to the Hawks' management here, but the point is that NBA teams need size to really contend, and Krstic is not just big, but he's also talented. Not the most graceful player, Nenad somehow finds ways to score and board. Given the limited Jersey depth at center and a healthy Jason Kidd, I think that Krstic will fairly quietly put up a double double each night, and he will be a very respectable fourth option in the post.

Least Improved Player - Tim Thomas, New York Knicks Chicago Bulls

20% of the time, he'll try hard every time.

Old habits die hard, for Tim and for me. I almost feel bad for Tim at this point because he is so thoroughly clueless and such a colossal waste of talent. I make fun of him a lot (and he deserves most of it), but it's almost tedious. I wish he'd get better just so that I could call someone else the "Tim Thomas" of his era. But alas, TT's reign as Fugazi Bum Supreme shall continue.

Rookie of the Year - Christopher Paul, Oklahoma City Hornets of New Orleans

(Insert joke about punching and groins here)

Gonna get the minutes; gonna handle the rock; gonna have to make plays. Good scenario for the young man. Chances: Andrew Bogut, Marvin Williams, Charlie Villanueva, Salim Stoudamire. Outside chances: Nate Robinson, Rashad McCants.

Sixth Man of the Year - Darko Mil, er, Ben Gordon, Chicago Bulls

He's an assassin!

This is a loaded category, because there are a lot of reasonably productive players coming off benches right now: Tony Dice, Sarunas Jasikevicius (at least, I think he will produce), Antoine Walker (once Posey is healthy), Donyell Marshall, Hedo Turkoglu, Ricky Davis, Earl Boykins, Jimmy Jackson, Jerry Stackhouse. But though it's chalk, Gordon is a sensible pick because the Bulls will need his scoring and he plays during winning time, a good combination for candidacy.

Defensive Player of the Year - Andre Kirilenko, Utah Jazz

Nyet in my howse, Mr. son of a beach

Kirilenko and Kevin Garnett are probably the only guys in the lig who could guard a two, three, or four on three consecutive possessions and win the matchup each time. Kirilenko is more active though. So long as he's healthy and trusts his body, he's going to block shots, grab steals, alter looks, and rebound. Sort of like the guy who I gave this award to last year, Shawn Marion.

Coach of the Year - Terry Stotts, Milwaukee Bucks

Retread or refurbished?

This is not a popular pick. And it's not a common pick, either. But neither of those were factors in favor of committing this thought to documented history. I think that Milwaukee is making the playoffs this season, and if it does, Stotts will deserve a lot of credit.

Straight Bangin' Preseason Select List:

So pure. The game done changed.

Hall of Fame Members: Scottie Pippen
Coach: Jeff Van Gundy
Also receiving votes: Josh Smith, Antoine Walker, Charlie Villanueva, Rasheed Wallace, Lamar Odom, Dwyane Wade

10) Baron Davis
9) Tim Duncan
8) Andre Iguodala
7) LeBron James
6) Ben Wallace
5) Kevin Garnett
4) Larry Hughes
3) Antonio McDyess
2) Manu Ginobili
1) Tracy McGrady

What's Gonna Happen?
Before I get to some predicted outcomes, please see here. I don't want to be too redundant.

Eastern Conference
In the East, it seems pretty clear that there are four elite teams and then there is everybody else.

Atlantic Division:
1) New Jersey Nets - The Nets could use a pure shooter, however on a night-to-night basis, this roster has plenty of offense. Kidd, Carter, Jefferson, and Krstic is among the best four-player combinations in the Association, and the bench will be productive. McInnis is an able PG; Jackson can bang; and Padgett is deceptively effective. With still-learning Nenad, always suspect VC, bad-knee Kidd, and limited size, do the Nets have enough defense for the playoffs?

2) Illadelph 76ers - With Samuel Dalembert protecting the rim, Andre Iguodala harassing wingmen, and Allen Iverson lurking in the passing lanes, the Sixers should be a fairly strong defensive team. Is Chris Webber going to be the guy who was working his way back with the Kangs or the surly, sulking guy who was limping around the First Union Center? (I know that they changed the name.) Only an idiot will make a prediction about Webber. The Sixers must stay healthy and Steven Hunter must stop living his life in foul trouble. Hunter may have actually just picked up a foul as I typed that last sentence. The good defense, the development of Dre, the shooting of Korver, and the Allen Iverson should get this team to the playoffs.

3) Boston Celtics - I really want to like this team because I'm the sort of person who can look past an aggravated battery charge and embrace a Tony Allen. But that's just me. I also really like Al Jefferson. Sadly, this incarnation of the Celtics seems like a maelstrom of potential problems. There are no defined leaders, ill-defined roles (for instance who is playing the significant minutes at PG and SF?), and a coach who can be generously described as "still learning." When Doc was with Orlando, for instance, his teams ran one play, the one in which McGrady got to shoot. Young players, no leadership, and bad tactics will all lead to frustrating basketball. But at least Tony Allen will play defense and keep it gully.

4) New York Knicks - To recap: Quentin Richardson and Jamal Crawford do the same things; Stephon Marbury is a loser who wants to shoot first; the PF position is muddled; Eddy Curry could die at any moment; Jerome James is most likely worthless; and everyone else is young. This team is not going to defend well; is not going to receive strong on-court leadership; and is not going to execute well in crunch time. And oh by the way, Larry Brown is still not yet convinced that everything isn't always only about him.

5) Toronto Raptors - By my count, there are only three true NBA starters on this roster: Chris Bosh, Jalen Rose, and Charlie Villanueva. Of those three, one is my man; one is a malcontent; and one is a rookie. Joey Graham seems like he might actually be able to play, although I wonder what his position is. Does he have the ball skills to play the three? The size to play the four? That, and Bosh's emergence, may be the only reason to watch this dog team.

Central Division:
1) Indiana Pacers - Everyone already knows about Jermaine O'Neal and Ron Artest. What doesn't get enough press is how effective Jamal Tinsley can be when he's under control. Whether he's getting this team into its offense or dominating--yes, taking over a game--with his dribble penetration, Tinsley can be brutally good. And when Jeff Foster is healthy, the Pacers probably have the second-most rugged starting group in the league. I wonder if Stephen Jackson can adequately replace Reggie Miller, though. Reggie's demeanor and shooting will be missed, although I loved Jasikevicius's range when he was at Maryland. And by the way: shut up about Jonathan Bender. Every year is supposed to be The Year with him. It's not happening, so get off it.

2) Detroit Pistons - Assuming that the Pistons avoid a major injury, it's gonna be the same as always: There will be 50+ wins; maddening spells when the team loses five of six to mediocre or bad teams; lots of defense; and a elemental style that will be hard to watch at times. It doesn't even matter if the Pistons have the best record in the East or not; just ask Miami. The real questions all have to do with the playoffs: Can Rasheed still be a reliable scorer? Will the bench develop more this year? Can Arroyo find confidence? Is this finally the year that Darko earns his paychecks?

3) Cleveland Cavaliers - This team has no depth at center; limited outside shooting; and a PG problem. But none of those issues will keep it out of the playoffs because LeBron is LeBron is Larry Hughes is a team player. LeBron's coming with 25, 7, and 7 each night while Hughes will do whatever he has to--rip ten boards, drop eight dimes, hit for 25. Whatever. The PG situation is a concern for the playoffs, though: Eric Snow can steadily run a team but can't shoot; Damon Jones can bomb from the outside but can't reliably run a team. My solution? Let Hughes or LeBron run the team from the top of the key and put Donyell Marshall on as the SF to spread the floor.

4) Milwaukee Bucks - Playoffs. Eighth seed. It could happen. Not anything like a certainty, but suddenly not so absurd. T.J. Ford has looked good in the preseason; Michael Redd provides the range and the scoring; Bobby Simmons brings the mid-range game; Bogut will be an elite passer in the post; and Jamaal Magloire gives this team an established post presence. Simmons and Redd have to be the jump shooters that they can be, but this team could surprise people if Bogut is ready to contribute. Things could easily go the other way, though...

5) Chicago Bulls - Where is this team getting its offense? The Human Torch wasn't too good as a starter, and though he's a great finisher, the Bulls may not regularly be in games by the fourth quarter with Chandler, Duhon, and Sweetney comprising 60% of the starting lineup. If Luol Deng emerges and Andres Nocioni plays like a poor man's version of a bigger Manu, the Bulls will be in the playoff chase, but I worry about Hinrich wearing down under the strain of creating shots for himself and his teammates.

Southeast Division:
1) Miami Heat - An interesting conundrum, courtesy of Sports Illustrated: "Over the summer the Heat acquired point guards Jason Williams and Gary Payton, so Wade will function almost exclusively as a shooting guard. 'I'll have the opportunity to get out on the wing and run some like I used to,' says Wade." In the playoffs, when Miami needed baskets, Wade was either bringing the ball up the floor and making his move into the paint from straight away or he was coming off of the ball, catching it at the top of the key, and going. That's when he was most effective. However, that's also when he was getting banged up. Wade is Wade, and he isn't going to be stopped at any point on the floor. He really isn't going to be stopped if his jumper--especially that step-back joint he killed dudes with last spring--continues to improve. But he is a lot easier to guard when he is operating on one side of the floor instead of making a move from the top of the key. What will Miami do?

2) Washington Wizards - For some reason, this team feels like it's starting over, but that may be a result of my esteem for Larry Hughes. I think that Jamison and Arenas will continue to play as they have. If Washington is going to be anything more than an easily dispatched pretender, though, it will need Caron Butler to step up. He could use better range, but otherwise, he's a good fit at the three because he's athletic, he defends well, and he goes to the rim hard.

3) Orlando Magic - Now that Amare Stoudemire may be out for the season, Dwight Howard can have the next-generation post-player throne all to himself for eight months. Don't get it twisted: this kid is going to be a beast, and that process could start this season if Grant Hill, Steve Francis, and Brian Hill help Howard understand that Orlando is his team. Sadly, he isn't working with much: Grant is already on his way to an injury-ravaged season and the Magic should refund some ticket money given how pathetic its PG situation looks. DeShawn Stevenson is not an NBA starter and Keyon Dooling is not an NBA point guard. I've always liked the Franchise, but his teams never win, so you can't help but wonder what kind of leader he is.

4) Atlanta Hawks - This is the kind of roster a bad fantasy player puts together, grabbing mediocre talent given a bad draft position and always opting for the best player available instead of filling some needs. Sadly for the Hawks, their draft (and salary cap) position is usually good, so that's not really an excuse. Joe Johnson is great, but I don't think he's great as a point guard, and next four best players are all swingmen: Harrington, Williams, Smith, and Childress. If Marvin Williams one day (not this season) proves that he can play inside with some effectiveness, he could be part of an undersized lineup in the same way that Antawn Jamison is regularly. And a group of Williams, Harrington, Johnson, and Smith wouldn't be bad at positions 2-4 with someone coming off of the bench. If the Hawks are smart, they'll trade a guy like Childress for a real PG (Portland has two and could use better size than Juan Dixon provides) and let Johnson play off the ball so that he can utilize screens, spot up, and hit some of those pull-up jumpers on either side of the floor. Salim Stoudamire could be this year's Ben Gordon given his range.

5) Charlotte Bobcats - Why doesn't Keith Bogans start? Where does Gerald Wallace rank among the all-time inexplicably overrated players? These are the only things that interest me about this team. I give Bickerstaff credit for keeping these guys focused, though. They played hard in a ton of games last season.

Playoff teams: 1) Miami, 2) Indiana, 3) New Jersey, 4) Detroit, 5) Cleveland, 6) Philadelphia; 7) Washington; 8) Milwaukee

Conference Semis: Detroit over Miami in Seven; Indiana over New Jersey in six

Conference Finals: Detroit over Indiana in seven

Western Conference
The West has the title favorite and great depth 1-8, however I really don't think that any team other than San Antonio has realistic title aspirations this season. In fact, the second-best team in the West is likely the fifth or sixth best team in the league.

Northwest Division:
1) Denver Nuggets - The Nuggets didn't really address their biggest need, outside shooting, during the off season, and they enter this year ready to serve as the token division winner that makes an early exit. George Karl and success are usually fleeting lovers, and Denver is still a team whose best player is a knucklehead. Given all of the preternatural gifts that were on display when he was a freshman with the 'Cuse, Carmelo Anthony has been a disappointment in the L. He holds the ball too long, he takes horrible shots, and he is petulant, still. Even worse, when Denver needs a big basket in a half-court set, it doesn't have the outside shooting or reliable inside scoring. This division is fairly weak and Carmelo should be better, but I am not buying the Nuggets.

2) Seattle Supersonics - It's getting to be like groundhog day: every year, Rashard Lewis plays like an all-star before getting hurt and limping home from the playoffs. Every year. What's going to be different now? This remains a glorified college team, replete with the jump shooters, undersized power players, and uptempo style.

3) Utah Jazz - My sleeper playoff team in the West. If Deron Williams can learn the NBA game quickly enough, Utah could be dangerous. Its frontline is formidable. Harpring and Giricek need to force defenses to respect them.

4) Portland Trailblazers - I didn't watch Bassy enough last season to get a full sense of his game, but I think I like Jarrett Jack better. Jack's range is decent, but he runs a team nicely and finishes at the rim after contact. That's a crucial skill. Is there a more idiotic position tandem in the league than Darius Miles-Ruben Patterson at SF? That duo could accomplish any ignominious goal to which it applied itself.

5) Minnesota Timberwolves - I just don't understand how Kevin McHale allowed his roster to fall apart like this. The projected starting five: KG, Wally Sczcerbiack, Kandi, Marko Jaric, and Trenton Hassell. That's one superstar, one perpetually disgruntled shooter, one unmitigated disaster, some Euro who can't find a consistent rhythm, and one defender who can't score. Are you kidding me? The bench probably has more talent, so perhaps lineup changes will ensue, but right now, this team seems like a hapless group that will drive its star crazy. If the T'Wolves start out something like 5-20, they should let Rashad McCants take over at the two so that he can get a feel for how his game works at the pro level. I like his chances so long as he doesn't force too many things.

Pacific Division:
1) Sacramento Kangs - I can't believe that I'm putting this team at the top of the Pacific Division, but its starting lineup is pretty talented, and I really like Bibby and Miller. Miller misses too many easy layups, but the Sacramento system is great for him. And Bibby is just a stud. Imagine if he were ever on a team that wasn't counting on a choker like Stojakovic or a punk like Webber. What a shame. Peja will fade in the playoffs and Shareef hasn't ever won anything, so don't view this ranking as an endorsement of the Kangs' championship chances, but who else merits this projection? See what I was saying about a deep but underwhelming Western Conference?

2) Phoenix Suns - If you believe the rumors, Amare Stoudemire isn't playing this year. And if that's the case, then Phoenix is going to the playoffs and trying to win without the best big man not named Shaq or Duncan. Forget it. Because of the style it plays, the emergence of James Jones, the improvement of Raja Bell, and the all-star caliber performances it will get from Nash and Marion, Phoenix will be alright during the regular season, though. The most important player, suddenly, could be Kurt Thomas. I always thought that Steven Hunter's departure was overlooked, and now that Stoudemire is out, KT must own the glass and make good outlet passes.

3) Golden State Warriors - Everyone's new-to-the-playoffs darlings. I am skeptical because Troy Murphy is not a true post player and Adonal Foyle can't score. But there are some great pieces in place, like Baron Davis. Now that Dunleavy's locked up, I guess he's staying, and that's too bad, because I'd like to see the insanely athletic Pietrus starting. He'd bring better defense and energy and rebounding to the team. Oh well; I think he might emerge as an energizing, galvanizing force off of the bench. I think that this team is one year and one big man away.

4) Los Angeles Lakers - This is a hard team to evaluate. An optimist sees Kobe, Odom, and Brown and salivates thinking about the athleticism. A pessimist sees a destructive loner, a sometime space cadet, and an all-but-certain bust. The Lakers probably can play with almost any team on a given night, however the awkward chemistry and minimal supporting talent makes me think that everything is going to require a lot of work, and that may take its toll on the team as the season carries on. If nothing ever comes easily, 82 games can be very, very tiring.

5) Los Angeles Clippers - Sam Cassell was a bad idea for a team trying to groom a young PG and balance the needs of shoot-first guys like Mobley, Brand, and Maggette. It's not like Sam wants to be serving as elder statesperson on a losing team. Oh boy...

Southwest Division:
1) San Antonio Spurs - It's almost boring to write about this team. All I wonder is what the rotation will look like. The starters are set, and I don't see Pop playing ten guys, so that means someone like Barry could end up sitting more than he thinks he should.

2) Houston Rockets - I love TMac. That's a given. And I love Jeff Van Gundy. Also a given. I like Stro Show and Rafer if this team really is committed to a faster pace. I also like Yao, although his limitations are so obvious. As we know, I like Bob Sura. What does it all mean? I think that Houston finally has the pieces in place to win a playoff series, although it could use more outside shooting. And, sadly, it can't beat the Spurs.

3) Dallas Mavericks - All the rhetoric is about Dallas committing to defense this season, but that's been the rhetoric for a few years. What was the last elite NBA team whose best offensive player was such an obvious defensive liability? Spurs, Pistons, Lakers, Bulls, Rockets--all of these teams were led by players who could contribute at both ends. I realize that NBA history is filled with stories of players routinely bumping up against a glass ceiling and finally breaking through to ultimate success: Isiah and the Bad Boys; Jordan; Shaq and Kobe. But am I the only one who thinks that Dirk and Co. are unlikely to participate in this tradition? It feels as though Dirk was exposed a little last season in the playoffs: He couldn't guard anyone, he couldn't carry his own team, and his scoring was way off because McGrady was punking him. He fell back a bit.

4) Memphis Grizzlies - Don't confuse activity with accomplishment. I think John Wooden said that or something like it. It seems like an appropriate maxim to trot out when assessing the recent work of another basketball legend, Jerry West. Over the summer, Stromile Swift, Bonzi Wells, Jason Williams, and Earl Watson left, replaced, respectively, by Hakim Warrick, Eddie Jones, Damon Stoudamire, and Bobby Jackson. Did Memphis really accomplish anything? Warrick seems fairly similar to Swift, though he may have a more refined offensive repertoire; Jones is a fading mid-level talent who can't carry the load; Stoudamire is a small, somewhat erratic PG; and Jackson is constantly hurt at this point. Are the Grizzlies at all improved? Like most seasons, they'll be competitive and Pau Gasol will be underrated.

5) New Orleans Hornets - This frontcourt is a disaster. There is no true size.

Playoff teams: 1) San Antonio; 2) Sacramento; 3) Denver; 4) Houston; 5) Dallas; 6) Phoenix; 7) Seattle; 8) Utah

Conference Semis: San Antonio over Houston in five; Sacramento over Phoenix in seven

Conference Finals: San Antonio over Sacramento in four

NBA Finals: San Antonio over Detroit in six games