The Most Hated on in Our State Alone

Ay! Ay!

Feels good to be home, baby; feels good to be home!

The agonizing thaw is all but ended, and we're finally finna emerge from our winter of discontent. This winter--man, she is a harsh and trying mistress: she lets you stew in the uncomfortable; she forces you to confront the embarrassing; she flaunts the better times with seductive memories that cause you to fall in love over and over again, only to break your fall with new pain and reward your vulnerability with maddening elusiveness.

The winter was a bitter freeze right from its onset in July. Sure there were a few moments when things didn't seem so bad--like when Nate Robinson dropped 23 at the Vegas Summer League--but those only made the searing cold of the lonely winter seem that much worse in comparison. And those instances were few and far between. Instead of the relaxing, exciting, picturesque nights spent with Manu and 'Melo in the warm summer air, we were forced to endure harsh, enervating, interminable months of RBIs and OBPs. While some were treated to the warm and optimistic spring that fills the time between the Super Bowl and mini camps--you know, the gushing about the NFL as a business model and a secular American religion--we were buried under the avalanches of snow and ice--no one watches your game; no one likes your players. Day after day and night after night, the howling winds of ridicule and the haunting damp of frustration colored everything: rather than focus on the rise of scoring or the infusion of talent, everyone talked about Ron Artest and labor strife. And even when it seemed like the solstice had passed, the days were getting brighter, and the air carried the subtle scent of excitement, that too was snatched away amidst a chorus of naysayers as they seized upon which players were going to be buying 48 Longs and why they needed them.

But now that is all but over. Yes, winter will always rear her nasty face, whether it be an unseasonably cold night of racism or a few days awash in the rain of criticism, but it's summer, now. Things are heating up, and it's gonna be FIRE!

The conflagration of the NBA tips off on Tuesday, and your boy boy couldn't be more excited. As any real NBA head will tell you, the best thing about the World Series was that it was over after four games. And the nice thing about the NFL is that we're basically halfway done with it. I like football (and I love the way that the college kids do it), but NOTHING is like the NBA. Personalities; athleticism; drama; Charles and Kenny; hip-hop; sneakers; rape--we've got it all!

As I wrote last week, most NBA previews are kind of lame because the picks are so rarely different and it's near folly to make predictions given all of the variables and the length of the season. But I can't help myself. I can only hope to bring a few new ideas to the table.

Throw on The Theme Song (scroll down); don your best ten-button suit; return that "Stop Snitching" piece to Jacob's; play like there's no tomorrow since even Mateen Cleaves can now have a fully guaranteed contract; and, as some idiotic Chinese guy was yelling at me and the rest of the nose-bleed-seat-sitting Madison Square Garden fans as the Knicks got swept out of the playoffs by the Nets a few years back: LET'S DO DIS!

Back Like Cooked Crack Award - Ron Artest, Indiana Pacers

How many flagrant fouls does it take for a record to blow?

This should be obvious. And really, the award works on so many levels, doesn't it? Is Ron Ron your 2005-2006 MVP? If the Pacers win the East without Reggie Miller or any reliable long-distance shooting, the answer could be yes. And just think how record sales will soar if Ron's albums can be touted as the work of an NBA MVP. I don't see Steve Nash moving units, so respect the game.

Joe Scudda "Dude Gets Shine?" Award - Mike Dunleavy, Golden State Warriors

"N***as spit fake shit, and y'all respect it..."

He's white, he's mechanical, he's an obvious weak link, his presence hurts the crew that he runs with, he's a member of the non-gully first team, and yet he still gets put on. Scudda or Dunleavy? Both. Much in the same way that Joe Scudda has no business rapping and nearly ruined Little Brother's The Minstrel Show just by being on it, Dunleavy should not be starting in this lig and could be a problem as Golden State tries to make the playoffs for the first time in forever. Dunleavy is slow, making his defense a liability, and for a guy reputed to be a great shooter, these numbers would be where we'd start when arguing that he's a Disappointment (note the capital "D"): .440, .372, .764. Those are the career averages from the field, from the arc, and from the line for a guy who wasn't even that good in college. Is the idea that he plays because he went to Duke, looks like a cancer patient with good hair, and has an NBA daddy? That's just awesome. I am a major proponent of the idea that a guy needs three years in the NBA to really develop, but Dunleavy seems like nothing more than a guy with a nice degree and an even nicer pedigree.

P.S. Isn't it pretty absurd that people used to waste a lot of brain cells arguing about whether Mike Dunleavy or Casey Jacobsen was the better player? Sort of like fights over whether Michigan would average 30 or 40 points this season.

Chaundon "Stop Sleeping" Award - Chris Bosh, Toronto Raptors

A succinct summary of both careers.

Chaundon Bosh isn't the best rapper power forward, but the dude can rhyme ball, I like his flow game, and the he's earned more attention than he gets.

The Jarobi "Just Happy to Be Here" Award - Jason Kapono

Do NOT spike your hair to play basketball. It's embarrassingly self-defeating.

If the Miami Heat win a title this season, the commemorative DVD better feature interludes spliced in between the Shaq and Dwyane Wade highlights during which Kapono provides some kind of semi-coherent narrative that adds no value to the final product. Like:

Kapono: The top of the pyramid, the leader--Pat Riley!
Chorus: More booty, more booty, more booty, more booty...

Miiike Jownes "Sucks" Award - Darius Miles, Portland Trailblazers

After the net got in the way of his face, Darius resorted to racial epithets

Darius would win a lot of awards (Biggest Punk, Most Poisonous, Most Disappointing, etc.) if I had an infinite amount of time, but seeing as how I don't, I will give him this one, an award I'm handing out to the player who has the potential to lose his team the most games. Darius still can't shoot, doesn't play real defense, doesn't rebound consistently, isn't a good passer, and rarely plays hard. In other words, he embodies the culture of losing that surrounds the Blazers. On top of that, the Blazers are trying to rebuild with a young nucleus of Bassy, Jarrett Jack, Martell Webster, et al. That means that Darius might not get all of the shots that he wants. And if Darius is unhappy, no one will be, since he's already demonstrated what a colossally insubordinate catastrophe he can be. Why Mike Jones? Well, name another rapper who can so easily ruin anything that he's on.

Paul Wall "What's the Appeal?" Award - Bonzi Wells, Sacramento Kangs

What it do?

At this point, we've all wasted our time listening to the overrated Paul Wall. I challenge someone to listen to "Sittin' Sidwayz" and find three good things about that track or anything else from Mr. Wall. I concede that the beat is pretty infectious, and if an endless torrent of car talk is your thing, Wall is really, really, really, really good. But otherwise, I don't get the appeal. He posts up in places; he candy paints his cars; his grill shines. Wow, how wonderful. The guy is changing the game. Similarly, we've all seen Bonzi Wells and we know what we're getting: the occasional points explosion and mid-January late-game heroics that make Kevin Harlan use all of catch phrases in his repertoire; too many bad shots; lots of forced plays; a seat on the couch during the playoff games of significance. Sacramento needed someone, but I'm not too optimistic.

Ghostface Killah "Tony's Money" Award - Andre Iguodala, Illadelph 76ers

Secure your spot on the bandwagon now...

When the Wu-Tang was still the hottest shit in the world (and they were), Method Man was the obvious choice as the break-out pick. But now, Ghostface is perhaps the best-known and best-liked of the Clan given his talent, his catalogue, his insanity, and his irresistible charisma. So it may go this season with Andre Iguodala: Dun is in Allen Iverson's shadow, and A.I. is the obvious choice as the Sixers' best player. But Iguodala's athleticism, frame, improved jumper, and tenacious defense all augur for sustained all-star status. The guy is this era's Scottie Pippen; I'm tellin' y'all!

Cam'ron "Label Change = Star" Award - James Jones, Phoenix Suns

Flame on!

I have plenty to say about Steve Nash, but I don't deny that he thrives in the Phoenix system, and that he can make stars out of jump shooters. This year, it's gonna be James Jones. I don't know that Jones is going to obscure the Joe Johnson departure, but he is going to replicate a lot of that production, albeit in a different way. Jones doesn't have the same pull-up game or mid-range jumper, but he gets to the rim fairly well and can just BOMB from three. Draft him for your fantasy teams in the late rounds and tune in to those late-night League Pass games to witness the realness. He just needed to get out of the logjam that was the Indiana rotation.

MVP, Pt. 1 - Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs

Tangent topic: Is it unfair to other PFs to declare Duncan the best one ever since he's a center?

This is a boring pick, I know. And above I said that it would be Ron Ron, I know. Well: 1) Omitting Ron here allows me to "talk" about other players; 2) Duncan is always the leading candidate. He may play on a great team, but he is the catalyst. And on top of that, he has more post moves than anyone else in the league; he rebounds; he passes well; and he defends like few other post men. Going forward, you might not take him to build a team around since he can't keep this up forever, but if we were picking teams for just one season starting tomorrow, he'd be the top pick. And it's not like he can't play every style imaginable, either.

2) Kevin Garnett, Minnesota Timberwolves - Between the ascendancy of the young guys (LeBron, Dwyane, etc.); the complete teams assembled in Detroit, San Antone, and Indiana; Minnesota's collapse and subsequent dissolution; and the Miami Mid-'90s All-Stars, KG seems like a forgotten man heading into what looks like a rebuilding year for the T'Wolves. That doesn't diminish Garnett's value. Nor does it erode his skills. Playing with arguably his least talented set of complements in years, KG may do even more this season to demonstrate his value.

3) Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks - If he does what he did last year, why not?

4) Baron Davis, Golden State Warriors - With a sort-of-healthy Baron, Golden State closed 18-8. Emboldened by optimistic expectations, good chemistry, and a really healthy Davis, can the Warriors finally make it to the second season? If they do, it will be because of Baron, a guy so quick and strong that most defenders have to just pray that he messes up once he gets passed/through/over them.

5) Jason Kidd, New Jersey Nets - He makes EVERYONE better. EVERYONE. And if he can get pussy-ass Vince Carter to play 70 games, that might be the greatest proof.

MVP. Pt. 2 - LeBron James

Are you not entertained? What more can I say?

What gives? Well, there are so many elite shooting guards/swingmen at this point that they almost demand their own category. Also, the notion of "most valuable" is an always nebulous distinction that requires players like Garnett and Dirk to be mentioned before a season because they are such excellent talents who mean so much to a team. In reality, I think that Duncan, James, and any three of the other guys mentioned above and below will wind up on my real list, but given that so much remains to be seen and that so many of these candidates have factors working for and against them, it only seemed right to shout out as many guys as possible. As for Bron Bron, the guy was on my list last year because he basically was an entire team. This year, Cleveland will probably make the playoffs and James will be the major part of that. Does that mean that he couldn't do it himself and needed a Hughes, therefore diminishing his value? Or does it mean that he was finally surrounded by the players needed to maximize his value? I'll side with LeBron for now.

Oh, and N.B.: This is NOT a pure ranking of these dudes. Rather, it is a prediction regarding value during the upcoming season.

2) Tracy McGrady, Houston Rockets - Lots of questions: Will the new offense work out? Will Jeff stick with it after consecutive losses? Will Stro Show and Skip really fit in? Will Houston finally seem like a real contender? What happens when adversity inevitably strikes? I think McGrady will answer most of them as he builds off of last year's playoff performance and plays with a certain rarefied zeal now that he has more teammates who can give him more help.

3) Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat - With Posey challenging other teams' best perimeter players, Shaq healthy, and overlooked Jason Williams running the show, things may be even easier for Wade in his first season as a superstar. That's kind of a scary thought. And if you didn't know by now, Miami is Wade's team. Shaq might get to pick the music, make the jokes, and appear on billboards, but on the court, Wade is second to no one.

4) Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers - We all know about Kobe's game. We don't know about his leadership. Actually, we might: so far, he's been an abject failure in that regard. This could be the year of reformation for KB8, though. If he can get Odom more involved and can help make Kwame Brown a player, he'll finally become what his talent should allow him to be: unconditionally great.

5) Gilbert Arenas, Warshington Wizards - Gilly is not a real PG, so he can get a shout on this list. If Warshington makes the playoffs without Hughes, it will be because of Gilbert's sustained excellence. Period.

Tomorrow: Predicted orders of finish...

Nike Unveils Football Derelicte?

"It is a fashion, a way of life, inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful college football so unique."

EDSBS picked up on this, but it bears repeating: WTF? Did Nike hire Jacobim Mugatu to design these? Sorry, did my alternate jersey with the ugly sleeve get in the way of your ass?! Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building, like, now!

Can I Borrow a Sedative?

Very excited about the chance to insult a new coach

When you develop social anxiety disorder because of basketball, you have a problem.

New York is a destination unmatched by any other city in the United States. People come to live here because of the jobs, culture, nightlife, pace of life, and chances to meet a celebrity while he or she snorts lines of cocaine. The people flock here from everywhere. Really, New York is the McDonald's Wesley Willis was always singing about.

Having grown up in New York, I find myself in a relatively enviable position: I can see the friends of my youth while also incorporating expatriots from other, lesser American places into my routine. Really, it's great. Except when you have NBA League Pass.

Like anyone else who orders the League Pass, I do it because I intend to watch a lot of basketball. And I intend to do that because nothing makes me happier. And this is when the problem arises: How do you balance a social life with a burning desire to watch basketball at every moment possible? I encountered this conundrum today as I sought to make some plans for next week.

Next week, of course, is the launch of the 2005-2006 NBA season, or as I am calling it, End of an Era: The Melancholy Farewell of Russ Granik. We've laughed with him; we've cried with him; we've discovered the seventeenth pick of the second round with him--Russ and us, we've been through a lot together. I am sure that I wasn't the only one who hung his head in sadness this afternoon as I contemplated how any Stern henchman will defend imflammatory policies with the same understated flair that Granik brough to the job.

But in this time of mourning, while many of us struggle to place Granik among the all-time greatest league lieutenants (is he ahead of Rod Thorn? Marty Blake? Stu Jackson?), I thought it was only right that I drop some NBA knowledge to help us all find some semblance of normalcy.

Most NBA previews are stupid. You can't forecast injuries (well, aside from those that will inevitably be sustained by Marcus Camby), and the collective wisdom that informs the picks is re-affirming at best (Yes, they're picking TMac to be an all-star, too) or befuddling at worst (remind me why everyone is convinced that the Nuggets are so good?). That said, you know I'm coming with one, and that sprawling extravaganza will be composed and posted tomorrow night.

In the meantime, as anticipation related to the season continues to mount and causes you to ask co-workers whether they'd want Nazr Mohammed or Erick Dampier, I thought I'd start things off slowly with one thing I like and one thing that concerns me about every team in the Association.

This is for Russ, and is in no discernable order.

Atlanta Hawks
I like the aggregation of wing talent and think that Josh Childress should get moved for a real guard.

I dislike Joe Johnson at the point. I don't think it's gonna work out, and given the redundant skills and sizes of so many players who want minutes, I am skeptical that Tyronn Lue is the answer.

Charlotte Bobcats
I like Keith Bogans. He doesn't necessarily make this team so much better, but every time I've watched Charlotte, he's been the wing player who has been most effective and most active. Why doesn't he start ahead of Gerald Wallace?

I don't like how small Emeka Okafor's hands are. He can't consistently bring the ball up to the rim with just one, and that will forever limit his offensive post play. Ask Ben Wallace.

Utah Jazz
I like Carlos Boozer to get with the program. If the Jazz are smart, they'll let Andre Kirilenko be the real star of the team and allow Boozer to create space for Andre while doing what he did in Cleveland, bang and board.

I don't like the bench. The best player is probably Matt Harpring or Devin Brown, and dat not good.

New Jersey Nets
I like Scott Padgett off the bench. He's the sort of seemingly innocuous player who will kill people thanks to Jason Kidd, and he isn't afraid to shoot in crunch time.

I don't like when Richard Jefferson insists on posting up and shooting that weak turn-around jumper of his. It's unreliable, yet RJ seems to like it a lot.

New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets
I like J.R. Smith. I find his potential development to be one of the most intriguing stories of the year given that no one talks about him since the Hornets stink but he has the physical tools needed to be a great scorer.

I don't like how this team is configured. There isn't a real back up center; the starting front line is not athletic, and the PG play is going to be unsteady.

Portland Trailblazers
I like this team's potential to be incredibly fun to watch. Miles can only dunk; Dixon only wants to shoot; Patterson can only dunk; Bassy is from Coney Island; and Zach Randolph is an offensive machine. These will be entertaining games, even if for the wrong reasons.

I don't like Darius Miles. He is a fucking waste.

Seattle Supersonics
I like Luke Ridnour, a guy who is perhaps the most underrated passer in the L.

I don't like a team of jump shooters. It can't win important games.

Philadelphia 76ers
I like Andre Iguodala to be an all-star caliber all-court player. I don't think he'll have the numbers to make the team, but he certainly has the game. I can't write this enough: He's the closest thing to Scottie Pippen in the league right now.

I don't like the way that referees officiate when Steven Hunter is in a game. He lives his life in foul trouble and seems to have emerged as the go-to guy for officials when they need to call a foul on someone.

San Antonio Spurs
I like this: M...A...N...U

I don't like Tim Duncan's ankles, which are increasingly becoming a problem.

Los Angeles Clippers
I like Elton Brand and Cuttino Mobley on the same side of the floor.

I don't like Sam Cassell. He looked finished last year and I don't think he'll be a leader as this team goes nowhere.

Washington Wizards
I like Caron Butler to get his career back on track. He was a forgotten man in L.A. but I think he could do well in Eddie Jordan's offense since he is athletic and will be able to go toward the rim a lot.

I don't like this team's outside shooting. Only Arenas is a consistent threat from deep; everyone else is streaky or beyond his real range.

Orlando Magic
I like Dwight Howard to be Amare Stoudemire while Amare is hurt.

I don't like DeShawn Stevenson starting.

Chicago Bulls
I like Andres Nocioni as the worthy gadfly successor to Dennis Rodman. Nocioni is a player who seems like an obvious choice as the proverbial guy you'd love to play with and hate to play against.

I don't like the offensive potential of the starting five. Duhon, Chandler, and Sweetney are not going to consistently generate their own offense.

Golden State Warriors
I like Mickael Pietrus to emerge instead of Mike Dunleavy, who should be traded.

I don't like all of the playoff talk. I think it's premature, although I can understand the excitement.

Phoenix Suns
I like Boris Diaw to break out as a utility guard on this European-style team

I don't like playing Stoudemire this season. Microfracture surgery has undone some could-have-beens, and since Phoenix isn't winning a title anyway, why take the risk?

Cleveland Cavaliers
I like Cleveland to make the playoffs.

I don't like the center lineup. If Z gets hurt, this team is wantig for size.

Boston Celtics
I like these Celts as part of the Eastern Conference youth movement. Jefferson looks like he will be a true low-post scorer; Tony Allen is a defensive stopper; West is a gritty shooter; Gomes has decent potential. This will be a fun Celtics team for the first time in a while.

I don't like this team's rebounding. LaFrentz and Scalabrine aren't tough, and Mark Blount is a different player from minute to minute.

Houston Rockets
I like the idea of Skip running with TMac and Stro Show.

I don't like the situation on the wing opposite McGrady. This team only has one true SG or SF.

New York Knicks
I like that Larry Brown has played David Lee, Nate Robinson, Trevor Ariza, Channing Frye, and Jamal Crawford together at crunch time. The Knicks needs to embrace a youth movement.

I don't like how this team is assembled. It won't play good defense and it's not going to rebound especially well.

Miami Heat
I like James Posey starting for his defense and offensive versatility. I also like that it allows Antoine to be a go-to scorer as part of the second unit. He shoots too many threes, but Antoine has always had an unfair reputation as selfish. From what I've read and seen, the guy will accommodate a new situation if he thinks he can win.

I don't like the bench. Payton is a non-entity at this point; Kapono never was; and Shandon Anderson is a moron. And Alonzo Mourning has forfeited any health-related sympathy through his melodramatic, obnoxious antics.

Los Angeles Lakers
I like Coach Pheel to get a lot more out of Lamar Odom. Jackson is not stupid, and he will find a way to get Odom more involved. Odom was great on Team USA in 2004 and he's too talented to have such a diminished role.

I don't like anyone else in the front court. I want to believe in Kwame Brown, but I can't until he proves his worth, and everyone else seems pedestrian at best. Not a playoff team.

Minnesota Timberwolves
I like Rashad McCants. I think he will prove to be an effective if undersized scorer because he is strong and has the right mentality.

I don't like this entire roster. Kandi is a dog; Szczxczxczxczxerbiak is always looking out for himself; Hassell can't score; Jaric is mercurial; and Mark Madsen is going to see regular minutes. Yikes.

Detroit Pistons
I like this deeper bench.

I don't like luck. The Pistons have had it for a while and they've not been forced to endure any crippling injuries. At some point, that is going to catch up with them. And the big is going around Michigan this fall.

Dallas Mavericks
I like Dallas's versatility. Diggler can play any of the front-line positions; Howard, Daniels, and Stack can all attack the rim; Harris and Terry can handle; Howard and Christie can defend; etc. This is a smartly configured roster.

I don't like the leadership. Dirk failed last year and no one else has the right combination of game and mentality.

Indiana Pacers
I like Ron Artest as a legitimate MVP candidate.

I don't like the Reggie replacements. Jackson is not a pure shooter; Jones is not a pure shooter; and Jonathan Bender will probably continue to be an enigma.

Sacramento Kangs
I like Brad Miller as one of the three best centers in the league (assuming that J.O. and Amare are PFs). He's tough; he can knock down the elbow jumper; he is a great passer; and he bangs. He is probably the most overlooked all-star-type player in the game.

I don't like the backcourt. Mike Bibby is my man, but Bonzi Wells does nothing for me and the backups are weak.

Memphis Grizzlies
I like the defensive potential of Battier, Warrick, Jones, and Jackson.

I don't like an offense that has to run through Gasol. Pau is good, but he has not yet been the difference between winning and losing, and there aren't players around him who seem like they will be.

Milwaukee Bucks
I like Andrew Bogut passing to Bobby Simmons for a mid-range jumper or Michael Redd for a three. This team should get good looks on jumpers if Bogut can demand some attention from a defense.

I don't like the bench, a bunch of guys who can't do much.

Toronto Raptors
I like Chris Bosh to emerge as one of the top three players from his draft class. And by emerge, I mean actually earn some attention.

I don't like MoPete at the two, Jalen at the three, and Loren Woods at the five. That's a lot of ineffective players to be starting.

Denver Nuggets
I like Voshon Lenard to create some more space inside the three-point line, something Denver didn't have last year.

I don't like George Karl, a coach whose methods have recently presented alarmingly rapid diminishing returns.

Peep All This Game

Get it?

Some sports links to consider. Please follow them, poke around, and let me know what you think:

- The Courtmast Rules on College Sports

- Big Ten Talk

- The Wizard of Odds

- College Games Balls

BlogPoll: Ballot #9 and RoundTable #I'veLostCount

Tracy is Vince Young...

Nine weeks into the season and I can definitively "say" that there are, roughly, fifteen teams I want to rank. After that, I throw darts.

BlogPoll Ballot #9
- Weekend recap
- Previous week's ballot

Games watched: Michigan vs. Iowa (parts with my eyes closed); Tennessee vs. Alabama (parts with my eyes melting); Northwestern vs. Michigan State (parts with my eyes rolling); Auburn vs. LSU (parts with my eyes, um, watering?())

1) USC - I don't resent USC's success, I marvel at it. But that said, my most favoritest thought about college football these days--well, second most favoritest after Columbus being fitted with an impregnable dome and then visited by the avian flu--is the one in which Texas and Virginia Tech play in the Rose Bowl and an undefeated USC gets left out. Not only would that be insanely awesome just because, but it would really raise the bar for BCS embarrassment.
2) Texas - Beating Texas Tech is sort of like driving past Steve Nash: everyone saw it coming; it really isn't that impressive; and the defense that you beat never existed in the first place. But decimating Texas Tech? Well, that's more like dunking on Shawn Bradley: It might be easier than it seems, but it still looks good.
3) Virginia Tech - No matter how hard it tries, the ACC will never be seen as a real football conference until it stops making marquee teams play on Thursday nights.
4) Miami - Welcome to the mildly controversial portion of this ballot. Shock G is hurt and Alabama is hurting without Prothro. UCLA, meanwhile, plays no defense. I think Miami would beat all of those teams today, so that's how they got here.
5) Georgia - Ready to handle adversity or ready to too easily grab for the injury excuse if Florida pours some drinks on Georgia's head and makes out with Georgia's sorostitute at the Date Cocktail Party?
6) UCLA - Failing to prepare is preparing to fail: Needs to learn defense fast if it wants to hang with USC. Be quick but don't hurry.
7) Alabama - If the SEC were the NBA's Atlantic Division, Tyrone Prothro would be Jason Kidd. No one enjoyed that game except for Bo Schembechler and Woody Hayes, wherever he be frozen on the lowest level of hell.
8) Notre Dame - When the media cleans itself off and changes its pants, it will then give Brady Quinn the 2006 Heisman before it gives the 2005 Heisman to Reggie Bush.
9) LSU - Only Cousin Larry could appreciate a team this ridiculous: LSU beats pre-tank Arizona State on a non-catch catch; escapes Florida despite five turnovers; and then beats Auburn because Auburn's kicker sucks. Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good. All the time, it's better to be good than playing with fire.
10) The Ohio State Joke of a University - Ted Ginn, Sr. mouthed off about Michigan this week. The check must have cleared.
11) Florida State - Owns Duke just a little more than Michigan owns Penn State...
12) Penn State - ...And speaking of Penn State, nothing helps a team get healthy like playing against whatever outift Ron Zook is coaching.
13) Auburn - Basically beat LSU in Baton Rouge. I like this team. And I love Tuberville. Damn right.
14) Boston College - Welcome to the ACC, pt. 2 on Thursday.
15) Orgeron Oregon - Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Anyway, Kellen Clemens got hurt. Yes, I'm adding insult to injury, but this is my interweb, and if you don't like it, I'm leaving and taking it with me.
16) Wisconsin - "And that heap of metal on your left is Purdue, a total train wreck."
17) Florida - Beating a top-five team in a traditional big game would likely get Urban some cascading Gatorade, and that could hide his tears.
18) Northwestern - Go you, NU! Not much defense, but who needs one when you're playing Michigan? *Zing!*
19) Fresno State - Um...
20) Colorado - ...er...
21) TCU - (Again, I gotta ask: SMU?!)
22) Cal - ...Uh...
23) Louisville - ...you see, the thing is...
24) Rutgers - Come on, when else will we be able to do this with a semi-straight face?
25) Texas Tech - Tailors in Lubbock must love the annual October epiphany when the emperor realizes that he's not wearing any clothes.

Hey, why isn't Michigan ranked?
Well, first of all, it has three losses. Second, its offense has been pretty horrible and now Mike Hart is hurt again. Third, it's still Michigan, and that means the coaching staff still is as likely to hurt its team with the game plan as it is to help it. Dat. Not. Good.

RoundTable #I'veLostCount
This week, my internets friend Vijay is hosting the forum. To the questions we go...

1) Name the five teams, other than yours, whose accomplishments you respect / envy the most. Use whatever criteria you feel is appropriate (wins, titles, consistency, academic integrity, competitive integrity, NCAA violations, general thuggery, mascot intimidation factor ...).
For the record, this question makes me queasy.

1) USC is the program I most respect aside from Michigan because the Trojans have been consistently excellent over the past century and are relatively devoid of scandal.

2) Oklahoma, for similar on-field reasons.

3) Miami, because it built a complete powerhouse out of nothing and had to do so while competing against established powers that were and are brand names in the industry.

4) Alabama, because of its on-field success and the colorful, passionate fan culture that surrounds the program.

5) Virginia Tech, because I have no fucking clue what anyone does in Blacksburg. It is fairly astonishing that a nothing school in the middle of nowhere can compete with real schools from real places.

Nowhere near this list: Columbus's Maximum Security Prison and Home for the Mentally Challenged, for so many reasons that I'd need another website if I were going to list them; Notre Dame, for its sanctimonious self-absorbed culture; and Penn State, for its horrendous fan base.

2) With regard to Question #1, what is the most damaging criticism of your program that you will admit is a legitimate criticism? That is, what negative trait does the most damage to the overall respect level of your program (in your eyes, or to others, interpret as you will).
Lloyd Carr. Or, when put another way, the program's reputation for wasting talent and consistently performing below expectations.

3) Who do you think is the best player in the history of your program? Tell us a little about him (especially if he's not a household name). Feel free to pick someone from 50 years ago that none of us has seen play.
It sounds like Benny Friedman was a revolutionary figure, but that's sort of boring since none of us saw him play.

Charles Woodson was the greatest player in the history of Michigan football. He excelled at everything, he was a star early on, he made history, and he gave Lloyd Carr a head coaching career. Lloyd is a great guy and his off-field actions usually make me proud, but he would probably not still be the coach at Michigan if he hadn't enjoyed good fortune. Woodson galvanized his teammates, made crucial plays at critical junctures, and lent Michigan a championship swagger that it hasn't had since.

What It Do?

Perhaps the most accurate South Park rendering of a real-life person ever. Meet Zwigs.

And here you can meet Stacey, who created these joints:


As has been documented on this site before, I sold out and went corporate a few months ago. And by "sold out" I mean that I decided that I was worth more than less than minimum wage and relative workplace squalor. It's been a good move.

That is, aside from the internets policy. So that I'm not misunderstood, I am not a pornography guy. I've seen my share, so don't think I'm acting holier than thou. And there are some talented thespians in that field; some of them do good work. I just don't feel compelled to look at it while at work, so that's not my problem with the internets policy. Rather, I am super paranoid about the fact that the jobby job can monitor every site that I visit because someone was fired for blogging while on the clock. At my old j-o, I was, um, liberal when it came to update frequency. If I saw something worth writing about and I had the time, I would post it. That's no longer the case.

Things haven't been so bad: I still know nearly everything that I want to know about hip-hop, sports, and politics. I may not have the same amount of time needed to embark upon some research projects, but all in all, I'm ok. The real problem is just that I can't post links in a timely fashion. And then at night, I try to have a life: go out; make plans; watch tv; run watch tv; participate in beer taste-test surveys that pay $75 for an hour of "work"--you know, that sort of stuff. It means that I forget about the links that I email to myself.

So what follows are some scattered links and the accompanying thoughts that have been respectively haunting my inbox and my mind for about ten days.

- Peep game: Huge Upside

- Peep more game: Ben Maller

- This is another way of saying, "Update your resume!" Nothing like turning the coach with the bad heart valve into a lame duck. That's what I'd call a feel-good story.

- Read this article about Michelle Wie from the weekend before last. Here's an excerpt:

"Bamberger asked her after the third round how she knew the drop was not closer to the hole, and Wie responded with 'the triangle thing.' Draw a line to the hole from the original lie, a line to the hole from where she dropped and 'try to make an equilateral triangle.'"

I could be wrong since I am to math what Milton Bradley is to sanity, but doesn't she mean an isosceles triangle? And doesn't that mean that fifteen-year-olds should stay in school until they've mastered seventh-grade math? If golfers wore wave caps and had some more pigment, wouldn't this school issue be a bigger deal? I'm not sayin', but I'm sayin'...

- Intellectual property and business seem like tenuous partners at times given that the increasingly obsolete business models of some industries--*cough* the music industry *cough*--do a disservice to the talent who work in them. Do writers make money in a fashion similar to rappers? If so, then this story seems like it could be about music and piracy. I don't know anything about publishing beyond the basics (advances are good; getting your writing turned into a movie is good; getting more merchandising off of that is really good), so I could certainly be in the wrong about his. However, holding up a towel to stop a flood strikes me as an apt analogy for this theoretical solution found upon by the publishing industry.

- In honor of the coming NBA season, Sports Illustrated released its All-Poison Team. Guess who's number one? And of course, Fugazi made it.

- A final Michigan football note. I found the following on one of the message boards and thought it was worth sharing with all who surf interwebs. I don't really think this is a Q.E.D. MFers situation given that there are a lot of points and concerns to be made or raised. And even I, happily among those who'd like a new coach, don't find this to be incredible. It is merely an interesting aggregation of results.

Enjoy. Discuss. Bicker. All three:

Quiz re: the effectiveness of Lloydball

1) Can anyone tell me how often in the past 5 years we entered the 4th qtr with a lead of 10 pts or less and still won the game (e.g. the ideal Lloydball scenario)?

The converse would also be interesting - how often in the past 5 years have we entered the 4th qtr trailing by 10 pts or less and came back to win (e.g. the inconceivable scenario in the Lloydball universe)?

Answers below, to be followed by many electronic resigned sighs and groans.

Answers

1)Where Lloydball worked:

2002 Purd - led 17-14 after 3 qtrs, won 23-21
2002 Wisc - led 21-14 after 3 qtrs, won 21-14
2004 SDSU - led 24-21 after 3 qtrs, won 24-21
2004 Illi - led 22-17 after 3 qtrs, won 30-19

That's it - 4 times in 5 years have we held a narrow 3rd qtr lead to win. And that only twice against a decent opponent, e.g. one that plausibly should be within a TD of us after 3 qtrs. That compared to 9 times Lloydball has failed in the exact situation it attempts to set up

2000 UCLA - led 20-17 after 3, lost 20-23
2000 Purd - led 28-23 after 3, lost 32-31
2000 NW - led 45-36 after 3, lost 54-51
2001 Wash - led 12-6 after 3, lost 23-18
2002 ND - led 17-16 after 3, lost 25-23
2002 tOSU - led 9-7 after 3, lost 14-9
2004 ND - led 12-7 after 3, lost 28-20
2004 Tex - led 31-21 after 3, lost 38-37
2005 Wisc - led 13-6 after 3, lost 26-20

Plus, there are 3 other games where Lloydball "failed" in the sense of giving up a 3 qtr lead that we eventually won anyway, to wit

2000 Wisc - led 6-3 after 3, fell behind 10-6 before winning 13-10
2001 Iowa - led 21-20, fell behind 26-20 before winning 32-26
2005 PSU - led 10-3, fell behind 18-10 and 25-21 before winning 27-25

and there are also several 3 qtr tie games as well that qualify as Lloydball classics

2001 MSU - tied 17-17 after 3, lost 24-26 (giving up a 24-20 4th qtr lead though)
2001 Wisc - tied 17-17 after 3, won 20-17
2005 MSU - tied 24-24 after 3, won 34-31 (giving up a 31-24 4th qtr lead though)
2005 Minn - tied 20-20 after 3, lost 23-20

The fact remains - in the very situation Lloydball is designed to create, it's successful just about 1/3 the time. And it almost *always* fails at its primary goal - protecting the lead in the 4th qtr.

2) The converse situation........

Now, compare that pathetic number with our record when narrowly trailing entering the 4th. Not that we trail often, but there are a few such games as follows:

2000 Illinois - trailed 24-14 after 3, won 35-31
2002 Wash - trailed 23-21 after 3, won 31-29
2002 PSU - trailed 13-7 after 3, won 27-24
2003 Iowa - trailed 26-20 after 3, lost 33-27
2004 Minn - trailed 21-17 after 3, won 27-24
2004 Purd - trailed 14-13 after 3, won 16-14
2004 MSU - trailed 17-10 after 3, won 45-37

7 times trailing by a reasonable amount after 3 qtrs and we've won 6 of those games. A far better record in classic Lloydball games when (presumably) we had to play with a little urgency and not simply "punt and play defense."

They Should Endow a Faculty Position in His Name

Still not convinced that a three-point lead can't hold up with that defense.

It could be called the Lloyd Carr Coach to Lose the Game Professor of Kinesiology.

Kudos to the Michigans for going into Kinnick Stadium and ending the third-longest home winning streak in the country. Kudos to Jason Avant for being roughly half of the UM offense and making that ridiculous catch in overtime. Kudos to the Michigan defensive line. Kudos to the coaching staff for playing Shawn Crable, Pierre Woods, John Thompson, and Jerome Jackson. Kudos to the defense for making better tackles and blowing fewer assignments in the second half. Kudos to Pierre Woods, a MAN.

Eff you to Chad Henne for continuing to bail out on plays too early and lock onto to receivers. Eff you to an offensive line that still can't reliably get short yardage. Eff you to Mario Manningham for, um, uh...no, I don't think much was his fault.

And EFF YOU to a Michigan coaching staff that still never learns from past mistakes and still calls the most predictable games I've ever seen. The play calling for most of the game and the typical timid philosophy of the fourth quarter were embarrassing and unfair to the players. Look, with a one-score lead in the fourth quarter and something like five minutes left in the game, you should try to score again. Period. Idiots.

I really hope that Lloyd retires soon. I can't handle many more of these games.

Jackson + Artest = A Great Day in the History of Insanity

One of the greatest things to happen to lunacy since Gary Bussey

Part One
Ron Artest is going to be on the cover of Penthouse. And in the magazine, he says that he wants to fight Ben Wallace on Pay Per View for $10 million. I know, I have a hard time believing it, too, but yes, this actually is a real person.

Part Two
You know how everyone who criticizes Kanye West for his "message" is always clamoring that he wields undue influence while denigrating the otherwise sacrosanct notion that education is a wholly good thing? And you know how most sane people regard Kanye's pro-ignorance positions with a certain non-threatened bemusement? Well, today those in the former camp won a battle.

I mean, how else do we explain Stephen Jackson's insistence that that league's dress-code ban on jewelry worn over clothing "is a racist statement"? Does this person actually believe Kanye's ridiculous statement that "it's in a black person's soul to rock that gold"? Look, it might be in the social contexts of some black people--like pimps, for instance--to rock a chain, but every black person's respective soul? What about all of those people wearing Jewish stars? Most of them aren't black.

Facetious entertainment aside, I need to be fair to Jackson. First, he sounds otherwise reasonable about the whole matter, save for the jewelry. Second, I wrote that the league's dress code smacked of racial bias, although I didn't think that jewelry was a specific catalyst for the new policy. While a pimp of any race may, in fact, be the person in our societal mosaic who is most commonly associated with gaudy jewelry, the rapper cannot be far behind. And given the convergence of hip-hop, basketball, and racist assumptions about the supposed "thugs" who traffic in this cultural nexus, I am sympathetic to the notion that this dress code has an overt racial component to it.

In the comments from my post yesterday, there was a nascent (and perhaps burgeoning?) discussion of the role that race plays in the dress-code issue. I don't see race in everything, only most things. I think it plays some role in the implementation of this policy for reasons relatively succinctly stated yesterday. Toyochin was kind enough to point out that in-the-know sources like Mark Cuban, a guy who is nothing if not aggressively honest, have said that the dress code is less about the players' culture and more about the league's culture: a league-wide dress code may prevent uncomfortable schisms between management and players from growing even wider while also allowing league-wide corporate partners to better engage owners and players.

If that's the case, then maybe race is not a motivating factor. I mean, even Greg Ostertag opposes it, and he's probably the whitest person ever. If anything, Cuban's column points to something else about which I expressed my concern: the sustained division between players and management. The gap is wide and filled with vituperation. But then you read things like this column from Florida Today and you feel naive disregarding racial influence:

"Safe to say that most in the NBA's front office wouldn't know the difference between Eminem and M&Ms. Perhaps the NBA thought all rap and hip-hop was Will Smith with a smiley face.

It isn't.

It is a culture steeped in vulgarity, violence, gangs and women presented as sex objects and baby machines for out-of-wedlock children; women whom many NBA players and their hip-hop heroes commonly refer to with a word that rhymes with witches."

Those words came from some dude named Peter Kerasotis. He's writing about the NBA inextricably wedding itself to hip-hop. In that same column, Kerasotis notes that the NBA is 80-percent black. Are there elements of hip-hop that are as ugly as Kerasotis says they are? Yes. Is all of hip-hop? No. Are there players in the NBA who are likely the insensitive, ignorant, malicious forces that Kerasotis indicts? Yes. Are all the players like that? Not even close. Read that excerpt and think about his implications. Is the dress-code decision really bereft of racial politics?

There seems to be a healthy amount of righteous indignation to go around, and most of it focuses on theoretically unwieldy players, tacitly casting them as subversive and rebellious. Given this nation's racial history and ugly, persistent race-based stereotypes, I think you have to want to see something else to ignore the racial component of this story.

As one who thinks that men never look better than when they're dressed up and chooses to wear a tie at all times possible, I have no objective problem with the content of the dress code. I also think that it's a good thing for the league that young players seen, fairly or not, as being of the hip-hop culture, like LeBron James--who puts his diamond in the sky while on the court and runs with Jay-Z--are embracing the reform. I don't like the racism (shocking, I know), but to me, it seems like a significant and unending presence, and maybe the dress code is one way to work around and then ultimately defeat it. I don't think that the league should be telling the players what to wear, though. I guess you could say that I'm ambivalent about the actual policy.

I'm not ambivalent about what seems like a larger context, though. Not to get my Pollyanna on too much, but it's pretty horrible that so many people have tip-toed around race, in this discussion and in countless others. Point out how black the league is and how deplorable hip-hop culture us, but don't directly connect the dots. Interview black players who support the dress code and imply that if even the black folks are on board this can't be the product of racism. Do all of that and you do a disservice to this country.

Report the real story: The NBA wants to change its image because stereotypes about black people and hip-hop culture have worked in concert with the regrettable actions of a few players and the regrettable presence of a few ugly hip-hop conventions to alienate largely white corporate partners who can't get past racial bias. Write that. Don't even make the corporate types seem like villains; like most of us, most of them probably can't overcome the socialization to which they're constantly subjected. And use that melancholy truth as a catalyst for a sustained nationwide dialogue about race. Why doesn't the NBA, for years a fascinating incubator for issues of race, lead the way? The problem will never get better if it is always ignored. This dress code is not only about race, but it is in part. And Stephen Jackson shouldn't be the only person who says that. He's crazy, but this time, he's also right.

Check the Forecast: S Villa Reigns

"Can you respect who I am/'Cuz I love to be me..."

When I originally sat down to write this post two nights ago, I waxed poetic and hackneyed and metaphorical about hip-hop being a woman like Common said and how much and how long I have loved her. But that became tedious, inauthentic writing. As I went along trying to actually get to the point, the words coming out of my "mouth" weren't mine; they were from the trite vernacular of every everyday hip-hop fan. It was lazy, sloppy, boring, soulless.

It's never fun when you're forced to cut loose an aborted idea that you liked upon conception. And it's even suckier to abandon some standout sentences--those few gems amidst the cavalcade of whimsical bullshit--that you actually meant and that actually represented your feelings. Deleting lines and lines of hollow sentiment and ersatz pathos was really instructive, though, because pouring over those wasteful words reminded me why I had invested so much of my time in them to begin with.

I love Slum Village with a unique urgency that is absent from my relationship with other contemporary rap groups. The panic which I attach to my passion has naturally grown out of my prevailing hip-hop attitude: In this era of disposable, lamentable, injurious hip-hop music and the disappointing hip-hop context in which such music can garner critical acclaim, artists who make engaging, soulful tracks should be rewarded. Sadly, though, too many of these groups, too many Slum Villages, are relegated to the cultural periphery where their music and their careers idle away in relative obscurity, largely beyond the sustaining glare of commercial and critical success.

As a hopeless romantic () hip-hop head with his own interweb, I'm here to say, "That's not fair!" It's especially not fair to a group like S Villa, a continually refreshing collective that's done been through so much drama, so many lineup changes, and so many creative revisions that it's sustained sonic identity is a testament to the group's initial strength and artistic purpose. There are many hip-hoppers for whom I will always reserve special spots in my heart, but Slum Village's unique mixture of honesty, grime, soul, faith, and hunger distinguishes it and serves as a persuasive argument for a larger audience and more attention.

Finally, Slum Village has made a record that validates this belief. Their new self-titled joint dropping next week is the finest hip-hop record I've heard this year. My man Mike has already written about this record, and this line really stands out for me: "Slum Village has decided to just bring some raw hip-hop to the table and it works for me." Me too, dun.

Raw is probably the most apt description of the record, but not in that aching, wailing, and chilling Wu-Tang sort of way. And not in that blissfully malevolent Mobb Deep sort of way, either. Rather, Slum Village just sounds like a sustained burst of hip-hop passion and creativity that isn't overly refined but is also so pronounced that it is miles away from amateurish. This album is two MCs and a coterie of producers in a comfortable hip-hop rhythm.

Most of that rhythm manifests itself in captivating, honest lyrics that extract agreement and sympathy from a listener and well-assembled beats composed of traditional and timeless hip-hop elements like soulful horn loops, mournful choral swells, aggressive drum arrangements, and smart samples. If Kanye's operatic sounds have shown some what hip-hop can be while Paul Wall's insipid lyrics have shown others how fun hip-hop is everywhere outside of New York, Slum Village should remind all of what pure, elemental hip-hop sounds like. And it should challenge those who would dismiss such a record with such an unremarkable description.

As I've written before, hip-hop is, at its essence, rhymes over beats. Not verbal manifestations of ostentatious materialism; not overwhelming production that dominates a flow. It's rhythmic rhyming about something set to a moving, complementary, symbiotic bass line. Sometimes there's an enhancing melody; sometimes there isn't. And I don't mean Schindler's List moving. I mean can't help but nod-your-head, clap-your-hands, pump-your-fist, bend-your-knees moving. Give me that. Give me a day in the life; a night out on the town; a relationship that's tearing you up; a witty declaration of preeminence. Punch lines; metaphors; entrancing cadences; chants. Defiance; pride; humor; anger; reflection. Give me all that. And thankfully, that's what Slum Village does.

In the past, a common criticism of Slum has been that while it can put together a strong track and a decent record, the dudes often fall short of making truly good albums because too many components--the flows, the lyrics, the beats--seem incongruous or weak at too many moments. (With Fantastic, Vol. 2 being an obvious, if disputed, exception.) Slum Village is an improvement in nearly every way, though, and not least of all because Elzhi is criminally underrated. T3 is not to be slept on either, but Elzhi is one of those rare rappers who can get the most out of every syllable available to him, and that lends even the most vapid Slum Village track a substance and engaging element absent in many songs. For all of my righteous hip-hop zeal, I can't front on my appreciation for the Dip Set because they are so audacious and their word play is at the least attention-grabbing. Elzhi won't be some "squalay!"-yelling, "ay ay"-chirping uptown capo anytime soon, but the man really uses words, and you can't help but love that.

And if Elzhi is the wind filling the sails and pushing this vessel that we call Slum Village forward, then T3 is the anchor that helps to keep the ship on course and provides it with some needed weight. Undoubtedly, some of this album's appeal lies in the fact that Elzhi and hip-hop survivor T3 address so many of the problems they've encountered. Slum Village is a wildly transparent and emotionally available group--always has been--and that quality earns a listener's respect and might even command support because that too, like Elzhi's flow or T3's perseverance, is a rare commodity.

To be fair and to be sure, Slum Village has its share of problems, notably some bad skits, mediocre sequencing (ask Ian how important this can be; I totally agree with him), and a few beats that drag. But it is also such a revelation given the repetitive, boring hip-hop alternatives from which this album distinguishes itself. The relative hip-hop mastery displayed by Slum Village not only makes for an enjoyable listen but also is an appreciated shot of nostalgia.

My final thought about Slum is that in addition to this record's intrinsic value--the heartfelt, intelligent production; the accessible and engaging lyrics--it carries with it a larger, satisfying excitement. Fantastic, Vol. 2 surely was not a perfect record, but it had moments of incredibly exciting actualized potential that immediately differentiated Slum Village from about 90% of hip-hop practitioners. Those moments were the sort that made a listener fully appreciate his or her love for the genre. Sadly, though, turmoil and bad promotion/label support have haunted Slum, routinely precluding them from exploring their potential and finding a way to consistently maximize their talent. This new album validates S Villa, delivering on a promise made on Fantastic, Vol. 2 and only briefly revisited in the interim years.

It's been a bad year for hip-hop, so an imperfect record can easily ascend to the top of the rankings. Luckily, we don't need to settle like that.

- Slum Village, "Giant"

- Slum Village, "05"

Revised Bangin' for the Experienced Traveler

This is the third picture that a Google image search returns when seeking a photo of a "blogger"

Lots o' blogging:
- Requiem for Allan Houston

- Basketball News Roundup

- BlogPoll Ballot #8 and BlogPoll Roundtable #10

BlogPoll: Ballot #8 and Roundtable Answers

Sonned

This has got to be quick. Forgive me.

BlogPoll: Ballot #8
- Weekend Recaps: #1 and #2
- Previous week's ballot

1) USC - Leinart reminds me of Tom Brady; Bush is not of this world; Carroll is just amazing. But still, that defense needs to get better...
2) Texas - Another week, another beatdown. I was of this theory before the season, and I am still of it now: the Big XII is a complete joke. It would be nice to see them play a good team (see #13)
3) Virginia Tech - Would like to see them play Texas
4) Georgia - More impressive while beating a good Vandy team than 'Bama was while beating a bad Ole Miss team. Need to be especially focused for the Cocktail Party; the Gators are hurting and will be dangerous.
5) Alabama - Keeps winning. Lots of tests ahead.
6) Miami - I think Miami beats FSU if they play today, thus their spot above the 'Noles in the polls
7) UCLA - Do these comebacks mean that they are vulnerable or of great fortitude? I can't put them anywhere else if they keep winning.
8) Notre Dame - The Ron Burgundy to my Wes Mantooth right now: I hate them, but I respect them. Charlie Weis is the worst thing that happened to Lloyd Carr since the forward pass.
9) Louisiana State - See weekend recap #2. Lots of talent, limited focus. I still don't feel wholly comfortable with them, but the defense looks better.
10) The Ohio State Joke of a University - Do the Fuckeyes win if they don't block that kick? Probably; Michigan State hates success. I am still scared of this team, especially in a big game.
11) Florida State - Hiccup or problems? Wanted to drop them lower but every team seems pretty crappy.
12) Auburn - I can't keep writing "off the radar," right? They actually seem to be on the radar as the off-the-radar team people are starting to talk about (again). Really haven't played anyone too good since Georgia Tech.
13) Texas Tech - Just stopping by. Annual exposure coming up next week.
14) Oregon - Suddenly, Oregon is looking pretty good again.
15) Penn State - Let a mediocre defense shut it out for a half; scored 19 points in the second half. Pass defense seems suspect, but this is a good team, overall.
16) Boston College - Nice comeback. The definition of a bland group, though.
17) Michigan State - Once a Sparty, always a Sparty. Handling success really well. If you can't get into college, go to State.
18) West Virginia - Is Jason Gwaltney the new Wally Pip? Probably not. Nice win, nice record, weak conference. Nice.
19) Wisconsin - Fortune (and bad coaching from Mason) smiles upon these Badgers.
20) Florida - Play Portis or ditch the unstoppable spread-option and do something else. And everyone needs to leave Meyer alone. Let him get some of his own players.
21) Tennessee - I hope that this team loses to Alabama. It will allow me to drop it from the rankings and will also avoid making things messy.
22) Fresno State - Rolling along. Can it win out until it gets to USC?
23) Virginia -This could be temporary. Hagans looked like a god on Saturday. No one needed to be arrested for the football equivalent of a Todd Bertuzzi situation. Nice weekend.
24) TCU - How did it lose in Week 2?
25) Cal - I didn't want to rank Nebraska, and I like Tedford. Notre Dame showed you the blueprint: have a two-to-one time-of-possession advantage, challenge the defensive line, import the rough from Shinnecock.

Rankings notes:
- There is no possible way to organize teams 9-25, so I used the scientific method--I threw darts.
- I can't make Dave Wannstedt jokes in weeks when his team wins. It sucks; I know.
- I've already torn up Lloyd enough (for now). Iowa 27, UM 20 this weekend.

BlogPoll Roundtable #10
All Things Longhorn is hosting the latest go-round...

1) What would it take for you to vote someone other than USC #1 in the poll?
A USC loss or a win by either Texas or Virginia Tech over the other. I've seen USC beat everyone this year, and while it's been tested, it was only ever in real trouble against Notre Dame. And in that instance, the team responded in a confident, assertive fashion that leads me to think it would be anyone. I just don't understand how anyone can stop Bush, Leinart, White, and Jarrett. Sorry, duns.

2) Which of the undefeateds is most likely to remain so? Who is least likely?
Well, I just wrote that USC seems unassailable, so I guess they are the answer I have to give. To be more interesting, though: USC still plays Cal, the last team to beat it, on the road; UCLA, a confident, undefeated, scoring-machine rival; and a feisty Fresno State team that has beaten BCS-conference teams before. Texas, meanwhile, plays in the least competitive BCS conference in the country. So Texas seems like it will have fewer chances to eff things up. As for least likely, read what I just wrote. Texas is beating Texas Tech this weekend. At this point, it's probably a contractual obligation.

3) If you were running the BCS system, would you let the computer rankings factor in margin of victory? Why or why not?
First of all, if I were running the BCS, there wouldn't be a BCS. I'm a playoff guy.

This question is hard because I can understand arguments both in favor of and in opposition of margin of error. I think that I have to go with disallowing margin of victory, though, because it doesn't strike me as a fair metric. On a given week, there are all sorts of factors that can influence the margin of victory (injuries, weather, officiating, etc.) and those seem too unpredictable to introduce into an equation that is already flawed and subject to so much warranted scrutiny. Furthermore, the argument that if Team A only beats Team C by 14 while Team B beats Team C by 28 then Team B is better rings hollow to me. The transitive property (or whatever) is not only subject to the aforementioned variables, but it doesn't allow for stylistic considerations (maybe Team B wouldn't beat Team A but is uniquely qualified to manhandle Team C because of its system). Nor does it allow for a very real influence in college football: a coach's personality. Coach A might not ever run the score up while Coach B might always. That doesn't necessarily make Team B better. I suppose that were margin of victory a known determinant of post-season fate, Coach A could adapt, but why force a team and coach to unnecessarily fit its strategy into an already arbitrary system?

No margin of victory.

Association Notes

Oh yeah, this is the problem. Are those headphones?! I am horrified:


It couldn't possibly be pictures like these, right?


Slowly but surely, the coverage is getting ramped up. Bear with me; lots of hot shit coming this weekend and next week. Maybe this week if work doesn't put me over its knee. In the meantime, random thoughts (with one about golf):

- Michael Bamberger can't go to Baltimore at any point in the near future. STOP SNITCHING!

- Allan is done. I wrote about it below. I am not sad to see he, the hobbled overpaid player, go. I am sad that the Knicks of my youth are now all gone. At least Tim Thomas isn't still on the team. That's worth, like, twenty nights of good sleep.

- Why is David Stern picking this dress code fight? Everyone has already seized upon the obvious hypocrisy and transparent pandering that is seemingly motivating the decision. I won't recapitulate all of that, although I want to dap up Bomani Jones for making a good point about a new dress code divorcing the league from some of the originality and accessibility that distinguish it.

I hate these kinds of choices. First of all, it only contributes to the wall of acrimony that seems to permanently separate the union from the owners and their divine leader. But more important, it seems like my idol, David, is missing the forest from the trees. If Stern wants to overhaul the league's image and retain the white fans who buy most of the tickets and most of the apparel, why doesn't he make significant changes in other ways to remedy what is actually alienating fans? I have rarely heard someone tell me that he or she wasn't interested in NBA basketball because too many players wear throwback jerseys to and from the bus. Instead, I hear about diminished level of skill and thug behavior as the real deterrents.

The former will hopefully be addressed by the new age requirement and a rededicated focus on the NBDL. It may not be a panacea, but it's a start. As for the latter, implement stiffer penalties for off-court illegality. Requiring business-casual attire may be a cosmetic remedy that mollifies the truly idiotic who think that bad behavior stems from sartorial choices, but does anyone here actually think that Darius Miles is going to stop getting blunted because the scent is going to ruin his new Brooks Brothers suit? Is a player going to drive slower or go home earlier or desert the Gold Club or stay off the Fred Smoot Floating House of Assignation just because he's rocking gators and Armani? Fine someone some serious money for getting arrested, getting a DUI, and terrorizing a girlfriend. There isn't a moral high ground for the players in these instances because most people in this country can't commit crimes, and most employers want nothing to do with a malcontent or a recidivist. Maybe I'm naive, but I think that the players are going to stop fucking around if they are forced to pay serious cash money for unlawful acts.

And if that doesn't work, just tell Jackie Christie that Doug knows a 90-year-old who has been giving throwbacks and jeans to all of the players as a means of wooing Doug. If you thought she made it down into that tunnel for the fight against the Lakers quickly, just imagine how fast she'll burn up all those casual clothes and kill any grandma who looks at her wrong.

Also, before Scoop Jackson beats me to it, let me also say this: white people are racist. If this theoretical group of disillusioned, fashion-concerned, white fans is so upset about off-court attire, it's probably because their social environments and the media have conditioned them to believe that young black men are violent and aggressive and angry and dangerous, stereotypes they readily embrace for myriad reasons. Instead of some myopic, reactionary, inflammatory punishment, maybe the NBA could make tackling racism one of its social programs, up there with promoting reading and forcing Rasheed Wallace to help people in Portland buy Christmas trees (look it up). It would be a tremendous social good, and maybe the players would embrace it since it would be an actual partnership and a topic about which everyone in this country has a qualified opinion.

(P.S. Reef made me crack up with his line about the jewelry. Only in the NBA, indeed...)

- Not to marginalize Jason Collier's tragic passing, but why is Eddy Curry playing? And why did the Knicks trade for him?!?!?! I understand that Curry may, indeed, be healthy, but in basketball and football, a lot of oversized athletes have died suddenly because of heart problems. It seems like an emerging trend as athletes get bigger and stronger and ingest more substances to facilitate the first two items in this list.

- So last night, Brown DMC (a term which frequent commenter Alando coined and stands for Larry Brown, the Depressed Monotonic Coach) played David Lee, Channing Frye, Nate Robinson, and Trevor Ariza a lot. He used to play Darko in the preseason, too. I am skeptically pessimistic.

- Dirk for KG, straight up? Explain to me what Minnesota gets from this deal. More scoring? Yes. A Euro who could easily blend in with the Nordic people indigenous in the area? Yes. Lots of hair product and tight shirts with zippers? Yes and probably. Diminished defense, diminished leadership, diminished passing, diminished rebounding? Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Jews love basketball. Always have.

And a Michigan basketball tidbit:
- UM is finally healthy. That's great news. Now it just needs a coach who, you know, can coach.

Growing Up

Thanks for some good times; you owe us all some money, though

Our Knicks are gone.

That's it. A chapter of my life has come to a close. Talk about an anticlimax.

If you're somewhere around 25 to 30 (I'm 24, so I count, I guess) and you're from New York and you're into the NBA, a chapter of your life ended today, too. Our Knicks are gone. In some sense, I guess that our Knicks have been gone for a while. Ever since the lockout and the end of Michael in Chicago and the erosion of Reggie's skeelz and the power shift to the West and all that. I guess that our Knicks have been gone since then. And certainly ever since Patrick got hurt, got angry, and got shipped.

But it didn't really sink in until today when Allan Houston retired. For a franchise that, for years, found its essence in the ambivalence engendered by Patrick's fruitless toil; in the gully effectiveness of Charles Oakley; and even in the plucky perseverance of never-should-have-beens like John Starks and never-really-weres like Larry Johnson, it took a middling two guard with a beautiful stroke, terrible knees, and a crippling contract to fully embody almost twenty years of frustrating failures and frustrated searches for answers. And yet, that era has officially ended and nothing seems to have changed. Well, almost nothing; this is a different sort of mediocrity.

...

Our Knicks are gone.

Our Knicks, of course, were, first and foremost, Patrick's Knicks. Twenty years ago next month, the single most challenging and perplexing sports figure of my life began the sometimes exhilarating and oftentimes thankless task of carrying a majestic franchise bereft of a crown. Patrick Ewing was an imperfect sports hero: he couldn't slay Olajuwon, Jordan, or the other dragons of his era. However he was also unquestionably an ideal sports figure, a paradigm of the jumbled human experience that we so often see manifested through athletic competition: He was a savior and a failure; he was graceful and clumsy; he was valiant and terrified; he was lovable and detestable. He'd make you grimace with his mindless predictions and then he'd make you grin with his indefatigable spirit.

Ewing was emblematic of every Knicks team on which he ever played, not only because he was the star, the center, and the catalyst at both ends of the floor, but because no teams of his era ever more closely resembled the personalities of their respective leaders. Ewing was the Knicks and the Knicks were Ewing. Like Patrick, the Knicks were often very good but clearly inferior relative to a handful of theoretical peers. Like Patrick, the Knicks were capable of brilliance that exceeded their perceived limits and disappointment that defied the most pessimistic logic. And like an errant Ewing pass immediately followed by a gorgeous turn-around jumper on the baseline, the Knicks could be anything at almost any time.

But let's give Ewing and those Knicks the credit which they earned. They were rarely great but consistently quite good, playoff staples who fueled captivating rivalries, epic playoff series, and league storylines. Michael Jordan was the singular presence in the NBA following the 1980s, but his ascendancy in those early years--the years when he'd drop 63 and the Bulls would lose--was not unique. Ewing and his Knicks came of age in that time, too, and by the 1990s, the crucible in which greatness is forged--the NBA playoffs--was undeniably shaped by the Knickerbockers and their seven-foot dramatic foil.

...

Our Knicks are gone.

Outside of New York, most people hated Patrick Ewing and his Knicks. They played ugly, bruising basketball; they were seen as the recipients of undue attention merely because they played in New York; and worst of all, they never won anything significant.

Well here's a news flash for everyone: We in New York felt the same way. At least about the last point. The Knicks were joyful agony for all of the fans. Each year, a rugged defensive machine with just enough offense and a flawed but admirable leader would emerge from the bowels of the magical Garden--home to the most erudite fans in the world--ready to once again see just how far a wonderfully flawed, terribly human team could go. It didn't matter that there were always inescapable pratfalls in the way. Jordan, Miller, even Parish for a while--the looming specter of an inevitable showdown with those nemeses could not deter a fan base hopelessly seduced by the beautiful imperfections of the Knicks.

And what a group we had. There were athletic glorified corrections officers like Anthony Mason, a self-fashioned point forward who just got it done, somehow, despite the ugly shot, the awkward moves, and the simmering temper. There were walking cautionary tales like Charles Smith who will forever be sonned by Horace Grant and a backboard. There were journeymen gunners like Starks and Rolando Blackman and Johnny Newman. There were relative octogenarians like Doc Rivers and Derek Harper running the point. There were wasted draft picks like Jerod Mustaf; role players like Trent Tucker; underachievers like Gerald Wilkins; sideshow acts like Kenny Walker; hired help like Larry Johnson, Chris Childs, and Allan Houston; and, of course, the rock, er, oak that kept everyone and thing in line, Charles Oakley. (Retire his number, New York!)

Every season, our coach--Riley, Pitino, McLeod, Jackson, Nelson, Van Gundy, whoever--was assigned the daunting task of making the pieces work. And usually, whoever it was did--at least, to some extent. The high water mark came in 1994, of course, when the Knicks made it to the NBA Finals with Riley as the coach. And we all know what happened after that; I don't even want to get into it. Well, not too deep into it, at least.

Once Jeff Van Gundy wound up as the coach of the Knicks, the team entered the final third of the Ewing era, unwittingly or otherwise. It had taken Ewing some time to establish himself as an all-star; and then, it had taken him some time to get the Knicks to the Finals; and then after that, the question became, Will Ewing ever win a championship? That was the era when Jeff was the coach, and that was the era when the Knicks brought in pieces like Allan Houston as part of a desperate plan to finally take that proverbial next step, make it to that proverbial next level, and sweetly validate the career of a deserving though complicated basketball warrior.

As we know, it famously didn't work out. But don't think that as Ewing crept toward his final nadir, his teammates began to take control of the team and usher it into a new era. Those third-act teammates were no less a part of the Ewing Knicks than Tucker and Bill Cartwright or Starks and Xavier McDaniel. Allan Houston was no less impacted by Ewing. No. Allan Houston was very much a Ewing Knick, and a Ewing Knick is a complicated, frustrating, compelling love. Houston was one of our Knicks.

...

Our Knicks are gone.

They're extinct now because Allan was the last one of them. Like any of our Knicks, he was a tough guy to love and a tough guy to hate. He titillated us with that through-the-legs rock-a-bye pull-up, but he also drove us nuts by not staying in front of his man. He gave us hope every time he made the net snap up into itself after swishing a three, but he dashed our dreams by playing soft in crunch time. He was so strong at times, hitting that shot against the Heat, but he was also so frail, routinely hurt and impaired. He was a Ewing Knick, through and through.

And that's why saying goodbye is harder than I thought it was going to be. Allan has been dead weight for a while, and his contract has caused a lot of my hair to wind up in between the fingers of my clenched fists. But he was the last of the Ewing Knicks, the last of our Knicks. He was the final remnant from a Knicks era that saw, season after season, a lovable franchise that always delivered the sort of delightful torture that has fueled Red Sox fans and self-aggrandizing memoirs for years. It was the kind of sweet sorrow that builds character and social capital, makes you happy to rely upon eternal optimism, and rewards you with the soaring highs and the plunging lows.

And that feeling--those teams--was an omnipresent part of my childhood. It's hard to let go of something that you love and something that makes you feel like a kid. It's especially hard to surrender that love when it takes so many visceral and cherished forms: the magic of a first step into the Garden on a weeknight when the Knicks are battling for a good playoff seed; the comfort of a tense weekend afternoon spent yelling at your television in anguish as your heroes battle the enemy; the happy commiseration on a Tuesday morning before chemistry shared between you and an equally tired friend who also stayed up too late watching those perfectly imperfect, endearingly human Knicks.

Farewell, Allan Houston.

Our Knicks are gone.

Get Ready

"Here it go, another chapter/I ain't licking no neck, no back..."

Conant Gardens, y'all done produced the record of the year. *Big Smile* More on that later. For now, enjoy a sample. Oh, and this one's for Taj. We missed you on Friday, dun dunny.

Slum Village, "Can I Be Me"

Every Day Should Be This Past Saturday

Here we observe a wild Orgeron in its natural habitat calling for its child with a loving, "Get the fuck over here, you pussy-boy bitch!"

Believe it or not, I had a great day yesterday. Michigan won, and the outcome of its game each week is the key determinant of my well being, so nearly all is right in my world until next Saturday. (Isiah Thomas still continues to draw breath, but that's a different post for many other days.) I've taken some heat for immediately responding to the victory with yet another lengthy tirade directed toward my least favorite coach, but I feel that the criticism is valid.

All that said, here are some other thoughts--positive and negative--from what will probably prove to be the best day of this college football season. I mean, there were three unreal finishes (Wisconsin-Minnesota, Penn State-Michigan, USC-ND); two top-ten teams upset; Alabama got a real scare from The Orgeron; Urban Meyer's own team made him cry; UCLA staged that incredible comeback; Louisville and West Virginia got their overtime on; and Michigan State proved that it will always--always--be, well, Michigan State:

Penn State vs. Michigan
- So not to be even more of a jerk, but Michigan still surrendered 420 yards of offense yesterday, leading me to confidently say that while the defense has been better this season, it has simply become adequate and is certainly not a true weapon. Prescott Burgess--who is not the same one Nessler and Griese were slurping yesterday, is it?--is routinely in perfect position to make an embarrassing play (missed tackle, bad coverage, stock on a block, juked, etc.); the pass rush continues to be woefully underwhelming given what other schools are able to muster; and UM has yet to find a good running back that it can stop. Some wiseass on one of those UM message boards had the idiotic gall to wonder, "Where are all those fire Jim Herrmann posts these days?" Well, consider this one of them.

In the defense's, um, defense, it seems like it usually starts out strong and then gets worn down as the games go on because it is on the field too much. A lot of tackles get missed and pass rushes prove feeble in the second half. Chalk up just one more thing for the offense to worry about: it needs to hold on to the ball longer.

- Doug Dutch and Max Martin still can't get in the game. Transfers look bad for a program, right?

- An oft-maligned (and rightfully so) UM offensive line had a pretty good day yesterday. The rushing totals weren't eye popping, but the Penn State defensive ends were not as overwhelming as it seemed like they could have been. One note, though: How many of Hart's yards came after contact? The repetitive running strategy and a line that just doesn't blow people off the ball both need to improve. Of course, the line would seem better if UM were forcing opposing safeties to be honest by at least pretending like it ever wanted to pass down the field.

- Michael Robinson doesn't throw so well, but I admire his poise. He always seems confident.

- Derrick Williams is fairly frightening for an opposing fan.

Southern Cal vs. Notre Dame
- Charlie Weis is the living proof that college sports are about coaching. Wasn't this Notre Dame team the same one everyone said was laden with mediocre talent and limited depth? What a difference good, smart coaching makes. OSU is very good; PSU is getting good again; Iowa wins 10 games each year; and ND is pulling a Mike Jones, giving out its number to everyone and finna blow. I'd say that Midwest football is looking strong right now.

- Two questions about the final play: 1) Why wasn't the ball spotted where it went out of bounds, somewhere closer to the three or four yard line? 2) And why was the spike even an option for deception? The ball had gone out of bounds at the end of the previous play, so USC should have lined up and the clock should have only started to run once the ball had been snapped. Spiking the ball wasn't going to actually accomplish anything aside from wasting a down, right?

Florida State vs. Virginia
- Look out, Seminoles, you're losing in Charlottesville in 2015.

- Do people in Tallahassee talk about Jeff Bowden the way that the Taliban must talk about the United States? He's still here? Hasn't he done enough to this place already? We won't be good again until he leaves. And come on, what is his strategy?! Let's just grow heroin for the time being.

- Physically, Greg Carr and Fred Rouse look like the kinds of receivers that you create in a video game when you're tired of missing out on the best recruits and decide that you're gonna have a wide receiver win the Heisman by catching 70 TDs and gaining 4,800 yards. Not that I've done that.

- If Antwaan Randel-El can make it to the NFL, Marques Hagans better be able to, also. Hagans is no more of a pro quarterback than Dave Campo was an NFL coach, but anyone with speed and skills like that should have some kind of a role on a given Sunday.

Wisconsin vs. Minnesota
- Mark May gets made fun of a lot, and I can understand why given his awful wardrobe, bad facial hair, and sometimes left-field opinions. But he said smart things about this game: The Minnesota punter probably should have just taken a safety since his team was leading by three. Some programs just seem to have the same year every year, and Minnesota always seems like one of them.

Florida vs. Louisiana State
- The stupid scheduling that put Michigan and USC on at the same time as this game precluded me from watching most of it, but every time I tuned it, Todd Blackledge was making fun of Florida for something.

- Of all the teams in the country, LSU seems like one of the few that could give USC a game. At least, it could if it weren't a completely mercurial, undisciplined mess of fast-twitch muscle fiber, 4.3 forties, bad decisions, and poor execution. LSU has beaten Arizona State in Tempe, had effectively beaten Tennessee until it the Tigers stopped paying attention, and has now beaten Florida. That's a pretty good resume for a sloppy, mistake-prone team. It speaks to the athleticism of the personnel. I am not really of an opinion regarding Les Miles, but if he doesn't make it to a BCS game while he's in Baton Rouge, I'll likely regard him as a Wannstedt wannabe. I mean, how can you not win with a roster like that?

- Urban Meyer cried because his team played hard? Orson, Stranko, what is that?

Alabama vs. Mississippi
- A red sun rises; much blood was spilled this night. And on this week's episode of The Orgeron, Ed is still trying to figure out where his shirt went, how his pants turned into torn-up capris, and why he's waking up lying face down on his front porch.

South Florida vs. Pittsburgh
- This eff-ing blows. I can't make fun of Dave Wannstedt for, like, ten more minutes.

Michigan State vs. Inmates and Illiterates Anonymous Infamous of Columbus
- You know how some people win at life? Well, John L. Smith has just won halftime interviews for eternity. I had always wanted to know what it would sound like if a life-long smoker got rabies and took crystal meth. Now I know. Thanks, dude.

- The Ohio State offense seems to be predicated on missed tackles. But, that's what you'd expect from a team coached by a villain man animal cheating, lying, low-life scumbag who told conspirators--oops, did I "say" that? I meant local reporters--this week that in every game, his offense's goal is to score 24 points.

The Agony of Victory

Sgt. Slaughter hoping that UM will sack Cobra Commander

With 3:14 left in the fourth quarter of the Michigan-Penn State game this afternoon, Leon Hall intercepted a Michael Robinson pass, ending what should have been Penn State's final drive of significance, with Michigan leading 21-18. Suddenly, Michigan had the ball on the Penn State 41 yard line and only needed to run some clock and earnestly attempt to get in the end zone. That's a pretty simple scenario, right?


Still upset that other teams don't have the decency to only try field goals

Not when Lloyd Carr coaches Michigan. What did the greatest pedestrian coach in the country--Mr. Snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory--do? He said to himself, "Let's make PSU burn timeouts. We have an insurmountable three-point lead, the sort we've never blown before." And then he went to work as only he could. What an awesome leader. I'm inspired and fired up just recalling such a daring mindset.

Lloyd caught the Nittany Lions off guard on first down by running up the middle--I know, you're all probably thinking, "He did what?!" but yeah, it's true--and gaining two yards. Penn State couldn't have known that was coming, so I give them mad dap for stopping such a courageous and unpredictable play. They had to call timeout; the plan was working and PSU seemed helpless. On the next play, Lloyd unleashed a call from his joke of a innovative playbook never before seen by an opponent: the wide receiver screen. Can you believe it?! Michigan ran that play? What? Is it even a real play? I wouldn't have believed it unless I had seen it with my own eyes, but yes, it actually was a real play. And sure enough, the play was awesome--it got three whole yards and kept the clock running. Fuck yeah! Do you believe in miracles?

PSU was is so much trouble at this point because Michigan had the ball 36 yards away from the end zone, was facing third-and-five, and PSU couldn't stop the clock! I, and probably Lloyd, had thought that there was some sort of Big Ten mercy rule that is usually invoked in that sort of a situation that automatically ends the game, but maybe PSU wanted to keep playing. Actually, that's kind of cute. Nicely done...um...Nitanny Kittenies. (Ooh, I like that.)

Anyway, needing a first down to prolong the drive and bleed the clock, Lloyd of course called the only play suitable for the situation: a 35-yard incomplete pass to a well-covered Jason Avant. I don't think I need to tell you that it was a coaching masterstroke. After three plays and 28 seconds (read that again), Michigan had effectively beaten Penn State because PSU had no timeouts left and was down by the aforementioned insurmountable three points. Game over.

At least I thought so. There was 2:46 left on the clock and Penn State had the ball on its 19 yard line, so just for fun, the Nittany Kittenies decided to keep playing. Y'all probably know the rest: Penn State got all crazy and scored a touchdown; Penn State got all stupid and kicked to Steve Breaston; Michigan accepted its hard fate and, seemingly reluctantly given the Lloyd Carr Super Scared Coach 'Em Down System, won the game with a touchdown of its own.

People probably want to make a big deal about Carr getting two seconds put back on the clock and the final, winning play of the game happening with just one of those negotiated seconds left. Go ahead. It was smart, and it worked out well for Michigan. Nice job, LC. But please don't talk about that ahead of Carr's atrocious clock management on the penultimate UM drive. And don't talk about it before talking about UM's awful choices on that final drive. Why--WHY! WHY! WHY!--was Chad Henne throwing underneath with no timeouts of his own? Don't even run those routes, MFers. And don't talk about it before talking about the atrocious UM play calling that stifled the team throughout the day. Running 8- and 11-yards routes and only rushing in between the tackles is predictable, losing football. And that's strategy. And strategy is coaching.

And you better not talk about ANYTHING before talking about the fact that Lloyd Carr was AGAIN willing to play not to lose, eschewing any perspective earned in previous defeats and instead reasserting his now legendary stubbornness and ineptitude. Clinging to a slim three-point lead he chose to employ that cautious, here-comes-the-c-word conservative game plan that has lost UM so many games before; he again chose to hang his players out to dry by calling that gutless crap he always uses. What a pathetic coaching performance from a completely out-of-touch coach.

For people scoffing at me, get a tape of the USC-Notre Dame game from today. Watch the final drive. Watch the final play. From the head coach down to the ball boy, USC sold that spike routine, and while Leinart may have gotten in anyway, you have to LOVE the inspired, enthusiastic, creative coaching that hatched the scheme. Would that ever happen at UM? Don't get it twisted; I don't want the team practicing its acting. The point is just that the best teams seize opportunities and are emboldened by smart, alert, enthusiastic coaches. They aren't left to atrophy in the hands of a scared, close-minded relic.

As for Chad Henne, let's say this: Passes like the one he threw to Mario Manningham for Super Mario's first touchdown, or those that he threw on the final drive, are why the coaches and some (an ever dwindling group?) of the fans love this kid. He has obvious NFL-type talent. But he is also might have emotional and mental issues. He makes bad reads; he makes bad throws; he checks down too soon; he locks onto receivers; he got totally punked on that one run-handoff-touchdown thing. For much of the game, I was struck by how dour and defeated guys like Steve Breaston looked as they went to and from the huddle. It didn't seem like they had much faith in their supposed field leader, and given that he and UM weren't lighting up the scoreboard, I could understand why and why some question if he benefits from a double standard. I would have liked to have seen Gutz, honestly. He might not make all of the throws, but he was going to be the starter last year, and college football is the ever-changing organic proof that intangibles are important in sports. Gutz is a reputed leader and thinker, two encouraging ways to describe a quarterback.

But this comes back to coaching. If Henne isn't getting it done, either call different plays or put in someone who can run the offense like it should be run. Michigan won today, but in spite, not because, of the man who runs the show.

This is becoming exhausting. Although, it's also fun when things like this happen:


Hang a sheet when Justin's around

The prostrate guy is former UM recruit and current UM prag (Oz, anyone?) Justin King. Justin, your dad picked the wrong college for you. No vaseline.

Sad Day

This is horrible news. R.I.P.

Idiot's Guide to Straight Bangin'

Back for the first tenth nth time...

As was previously documented, it's been a tough week. But Straight Bangin' and Mr. Joseph got healthy on Thursday, so please make sure you, a regular reader (we're now up to at least ten!), note the recent updates:

- BlogPoll: Ballot #7

- Sundry, Bloody Sundry

- The Tony Starks Charming Insanity Tour

Let the usual servings of sarcasm, incredulity, and hateration now revert to the regular schedule.

The Tony Starks Charming Insanity Tour

This is the picture you always have to use when writing about Ghostface. Blood oath.

No rap concerts ever start on time. Some people might find that quaint, you know, like in the same way that people don't seem to mind that the President is illiterate or that no one ever calls out ESPN's Pam Ward for being androgynous. It's just something that most people accept as a colorful oddity. Personally, though, I hate that our President uses broken English and I am in counseling to reconcile the identity I conjure in my head for Pat Pam when I hear and see her and the identity I am told is actually hers. I'll get there.


That's a man baby, yeah!

But I will never understand why rappers can't be on time. Nor will I forgive it. It's not that hard to be somewhere when you're supposed to be, and the persistent tardiness only plays into stereotypes about the supposedly nihilistic, hostile, idiotic hip-hop culture and its theoretically lazy, stupid practitioners. I mean, Jesus F. Christ, what is wrong with you rappers?! Can't y'all ever be on time? Why be so self-defeating?

At a typical hip-hop show, I'm already paying more than I should just to see two or three opening acts that I wish were dead, but on top of that, the first opening act doesn't come on until three or four hours after the doors open. And then I have to wait an hour or more for the main act while he or they get blunted and some weed carrier--after delivering and rolling the weed, obviously--changes the crate of records behind the turntables that are already on stage! What the eff?

Sometimes, as my legs are burning from standing for so long and my ears are burning from hearing the house DJ spin the same ten records every time (yes, Gizmo's chillin'; all Channel Live does is spark mad izm; you're taking us back to the "old school" with a fucking 2Pac record; the real hip-hop fans appreciate "Used to Love H.E.R."; your backpackers will melt like Carhart-loving supplicants as you throw on the remix of "Scenario"; etc.), I can only find soothing remedy as I adoringly recall an indignant Steve Harvey making fun of the average hip-hop show. I paid $38.50; motherfucker, you scream.

And, of course, just when I've had enough time to simmer in my seething frustration and consider calling it a night, the headliner comes on stage, plays some records that I like, and all is forgiven. Best show ever, man!

Welcome to my Sunday night. All of the ingredients were there. The doors opened at 6; the first of three mostly uninteresting opening acts didn't come on until 9; there was a seemingly superfluous hour in between the final opener and the main attraction; my legs fell off; the DJ kept looping "The episode starts when I walk down the block, kid..."; and by the time Ghostface had left the stage, I was delirious.

The night started with R.A. the Rugged Man doing the usual underground, fuck-the-mainstream, don't-let-them-steal-this-from-us, the-best-rappers-ever-are-Chuck D-KRS-One-Kool G Rap-Rakim routine. He took of his shirt and did the worm across stage at one point; it was engrossingly horrible. Then the audience was treated to a performance from British Columbia-based Swollen Members, a white guy with curly blonde hair who was head banging the whole time and a black guy with dreads who probably got some bad career advice. At one point, Planet Asia came out and basically stole the remaining set time that had been allotted to Swollen, so that was that. And if you don't know what the Swollen Members sound is like, it's best described as rock-infused, low-budget, sonically cluttered, derivative Jurassic 5 music without the interesting harmony and that one dude with the awesome voice.

Next up was Tru Life, some new dude who claims to have a Def Jam contract, but given that Jay-Z has tethered his managerial reign to Foxy Brown, Memphis Bleek, and the annoyingly ubiquitous Young Jeezy, take that for whatever it's still worth. Tru's set was pretty bad--it's never good when your best song is one of those prefabricated "freestyles" over the beat from "Song Cry"--but he may have inadvertently set a record for Most Weed Carriers for an Artist No One Cares About on Stage without Microphones at Once. There were easily ten dudes on stage, two of whom were yelling the last word of every line as Tru spit them, three of whom were throwing water and pamphlets into the crowd, and five of whom were probably figuring out which girls in the crowd they'd hit on once the set was over. I think Ed "Booger" Smith was up there, but I was standing toward the back, so it was hard to tell.

Ghostface finally came on. Sort of. After teasing us with a lot of Wu-Tang records for about an hour (I forgot just how large that catalogue is; more on that a different day), the house DJ shut his turntables up and out came...Theodore Unit. Jyeah! Trife Diesel, or Trife Da God as we close friends call him, was pretty good, running through "Cocaine Trafficking" and some other junk while Shawn Wiggs and Solomon Childs and everyone else stomped around and played rap star.

And then, as wrestling announcing legend Jim Ross would say, business picked up. The greatest former apostate and former homeless dude and former taxi driver and former promising rapper of all time came out: Cap-Cap-Cap-Cap-Cap-Cap-Cap-Cappuccino! Yes, Cappadonna was in the effing building! He did a few of his own songs--I mean, the guy does have a greatest hits album (LMAO!)--and after a dude wearing a Cardinals Renteria jersey who I was literally standing next to at the bar throughout the night suddenly appeared on stage with a microphone to serve as an impromptu hype man, Tony Starks came out.

Initially disappointed that the most engaging eccentric in hip-hop wasn't wearing a fur bathrobe (one dude in the audience had on gators, a bathrobe with a handkerchief, and a cravat) or his golden ode to falconry, I quickly got over it as Ghostface tore the place down, running through all kinds of joints from his records and Wu-Tang records.

There were several highlights of the set:
1) Ghostface told the crowd that he was born in 1970. Later, he brought out a dude who he said was his son, Sun God, and the guy was at least 18. Do the math on that.

2) While Sun God was on stage, Ghostface pointed to him and said, "This is my son; that came from my dick." After Sun God finished a pretty weak a cappella verse, Ghostface pointed to him again and said, "I made that; that's from me" while motioning toward his special purpose.

3) For "Cherchez La Ghost," Black Jesus pulled several women from the crowd up onto the stage and Cappadonna literally tried to hook up with one. It was hilarious. She was freaking him (Ghost is too nasty to be freaked; not Cappadonna, apparently) and he kept leaning in trying to get her to become his special friend. I was hoping (in vain) that Luther Campbell was going to come out and turn the show into one of those Minnesota Vikings types of concerts that used to go down.

4) Guests! Not only did Cappadonna get another reason to feel upset when his royalty checks don't come, but GZA, Masta Killa, and Killah Priest showed up. So did Pete Rock (!) who spent, literally, the entire set dancing--DANCING--next to Mathematics, the DJ for the night, until "Be Easy" was mercifully performed at the end of the night. Pete Fucking Rock. Chocolate Boy Wonder. And he's dancing for two hours like a jerk off? He should have been wearing a #23 Wizards jersey. It was really, really depressing, actually. Let's move on from this. I am about to cry.

5) Every dude on stage--all 30 of them!--running back and forth across a 25'x10' stage during "Run."

6) A guy next to me screaming "Y-O!" and "D-Block" the whole night waiting for Jadakiss to come out. It didn't happen.

Overall, a great night. Just show up on time next time!

Sundry, Bloody Sundry

The next shirt to hit: What Would Carmelo Do?

Concerting:
- As an addendum to my Ghostface concert review, I wanted to comment on the crowd at the show. There was an alarmingly high number of hipsters in the crowd. What is with that? I know that Ghostface is presented to a hipster audience through regrettable media outlets that play well with people who wear tweed jackets with shell-toe Adidas for the ironic fun of it all. But is Ghostface really that much of a minor crossover star? Someone, fill me in. Please.

I also wanted to review a few hip-hop aesthetics that are not necessarily new but warrant periodic re-examination:

- Wearing your hat over your ears has never looked good and still doesn't. Especially if your head is narrow and the style makes it look like you stole the hat from some fat head somewhere. And take those damn hologram stickers off the bottom of the brim.

- People with straight hair should not wear cornrows. It looks messy.

- There is such a thing as clothing being too big. If people can't tell that that you want them to stop snitching because your t-shirt is looking like the train of a bridal gown, you need a new shirt that fits.

- There is no need to sneer all the time. Mean mugging don't work at a concert.

- NEVER pop your collar.

- Someone should start a schedule-driven website for hip-hoppers so that we know whose turn it is to wear a Scarface shirt on which day.

- Nothing is better than when you see a dude wearing a head-to-toe outfit supporting a geographically nonsensical team. To wit: I stood behind someone who had on a Golden State Warriors hat; a Warriors warm up jacket; a Warriors jersey; Warriors pants; A1s with Warrior logos; and an Jerry West silhouette earring. It's just so random.

Peep Game: Start Snitching
My man, Human Resource, started a blog. It's fucking FIRE so far.

Musicology:
- M.O.P. ft. Jay-Z, "Put It in the Air"
I don't know when it happened, but at some point, M.O.P. became every interneters favorite under-exposed group to overrate. (Not to be confused with Bun B, the most overrated underrated rapper of the day.) Personally, they've never done much for me save for setting a certain aggressive mood (not to be slept on, of course) or reminding me how annoying some hip-hop can be. I bet that this song has been placed on internets already, but I am out of the game right now because of the j-o, so forgive my redundancy.

- Cesar Comanche ft. Edgar Allen Floe, "Miss You (Nicolay Remix)"
Now this is some shit I actually like. Cesar's "Beginning" is a truly slept-on joint, and ever since hearing that, I've been a fan of dude with the understated flow and active imagination. For whatever reasons (probably embarrassing photos or a foolish bet), the Justus League has chosen to parlay Little Brother's success into promoting the mechanical, awkward, and untalented Joe Scudda. Why they've passed over Comanche, Floe, Chaundon (though that might be changing?), or some of the other cats is a mystery to me. On this joint, Cesar kicks a soothing flow over an appropriately mournful beat while Floe just strangles the track, as he does on nearly everything I've heard him on. His presence is huge.

- The Coup ft. Black Thought and Talib Kweli, "My Favorite Mutiny"
To the extent that it's possible, BT comes with a more subdued flow, sort of like an intensely focused speech that features little volume vacillation. It's a nice break from the usual unrelenting assault, and I don't mean that as an insult. I find that the urgency of the beat and the added emotion of the brass really work well, although the piano starts to annoy me over time. The content is what you'd expect given the title and the Coup. My favorite verse is probably Talib's even though his flow doesn't work especially well with the beat. The Isaac Hayes-style instrumentation at the end of the song gives it a cinematic feel. Sort of a "meh" track overall, no?

BlogPoll: Ballot #7

Thank god football isn't edible. Otherwise, Charlie would have eaten it after inventing it.

Before we get to the ballot, a few college-football housekeeping items:
- Brian issued a manifesto that addresses the proper way to engage in an increasingly popular pastime: bitching about Michigan football. (I am ambivalent about the upswing in popularity: I'm glad to no longer be such a notable minority; I'm mad that people are stealing my shit.) I think he is mostly right on--it is not Ruben Riley's fault that he isn't a tackle but is forced to play one on television; it is Lloyd's fault that underperforming Chad Henne seems to be benefiting from a conspicuous performance-based double standard--but I do take notable exception with two edicts.

The first:

DON'T bitch about Carr not playing Grady or Martin against Minnesota. Mike Hart didn't have an excessive number of carries and is obviously better than his backups. Given the overall crappiness of our offense we can't afford to yank Hart just because backup want a lolly.

I am one of those who wanted to see Martin, in particular, play against Minnesota.

Among the many shortcomings that have emerged this year (most of which are systemic and were previously ignored because Michigan was winning games with its lousy coaching staff, lousy game plans, and lousy preparation), it has become apparent that UM is woefully inadequate at running outside. Some of that owes to poor blocking (and I'd wager some of that owes to insufficient practice time since Michigan runners live between the tackles) and a lot of that owes to poor speed. For whatever reasons--several of them seemingly lame--Michigan rarely recruits running backs endowed with great speed. Even a sublime player like Michael Hart is notably slow relative to other elite running backs and even pedestrian ones. Max Martin is markedly faster than Hart. Is he a better player, overall? Absolutely not. But Michigan's predictable and stagnant offense would benefit and would have benefited from some running-game variety, and running outside with Martin might have added a component to the offense that most teams don't have to prepare for.

Martin shouldn't be starting ahead of Hart, but he should have a defined and consistent role in the Michigan offense given his uncommon athletic ability. The popular explanation for Martin's mostly absent playing time is that he fumbles too much. I'm not at practice, a place where he apparently commits this severe sin with some sort of regularity, so I can't say what goes on there. But in the two games in which Lloyd the Benevolent has been ever so gracious and allowed Max out of his doghouse--where Martin unfairly resides--Martin has fumbled once. He did so against Wisconsin. His career has since been fitted with cement boots, and he hasn't played another snap. Mike Hart fumbled against Minnesota, but he got to keep playing. Kevin Grady has fumbled three times, but he has gotten to stay on the field, and after the Minnesota game, Carr said he should have played Grady. Again, I am not saying that Hart should be benched, and I recognize that Grady needs to learn. I just don't understand why Martin doesn't get the same treatment. It smacks of favoritism, stubbornness, and even cruelty. If I were Max Martin, I'd transfer.

And the second:

DON'T bitch about Carr's excessively conservative second-half playcalling costing us games. The ND, UW, and MSU games all opened up the second half with Henne throwing the ball, usually inaccurately or into the hands of the opponent. He's also gone for it on all the fourth downs he should have--it's actually been a radical improvement. Unfortunately it hasn't resulted in anything positive.

This is a definition distinction, but I don't think that the evidence Brian cites is proof that Carr isn't conservative. Throwing the ball should not necessarily be equated with liberal football. Not when many of the throws made are effectively running plays, and not when throwing the ball is an obvious potential advantage. Playing to your strengths is basic intelligence.

There is more risk involved in throwing the ball than there is in running it, so perhaps that's the idea. But Michigan's pass offense is very limited, and many of the throws--eight-yard outs, wide receiver screens, tight end button hooks--are among the most basic and the safest (you don't see that out thrown when a CB is playing press coverage). I think that the "conservative" label can so easily be applied to Carr because the Michigan offense is fairly repetitive and predictable, and much of the play calling reflects a desire to minimize risk, not maximize reward. There is very little ingenuity and aggression reflected in the game plans, and this inertia is indicative of a cautious, conservative approach.

Also, going for it on fourth down when you should is not the antithesis of conservative, either. It's sound, smart coaching, a bare minimum of mediocrity. Yes, Lloyd could have punted in a few situations in which he has gone for it on fourth down, but trying to get just one yard with an offensive line that usually significantly outweighs an opposing defensive line doesn't seem so daring. Neither does it seem so daring to go for it somewhere around an opponent's 40 yard line since UM doesn't employ the directional punt and probably would only net 20 yards given a potential (and often likely) touchback. And against this take-what-you-want-on-third-down defense, 20 yards is nothing.

- Always on point and always in the vanguard, EDSBS beats me to the punch by humorously calling out the media's obsession with Notre Dame and the Southern Cal-Notre Dame game. Is it an interesting and finally relevant again match up between traditional rivals? Yes. Is it the Biggest Game of the Season? Not at all. Is it the Biggest Game Ever? I spit at the question. I don't even know what time it is or which station it's on. The USC-ND game is probably going to be an easy USC victory, and even worse, it's the latest best example of the self-perpetuating media hype. GameDay et al. have been talking about this game for a while and wasted little time transitioning from (sort of) honest analysis to boring platitudes and hackneyed, lazy stories about the hype for the game. Guess what, media idiots: There would be far less hype if people weren't setting The Supposed Hype as an agenda item.

Says Kirk Herbstreit (not linked since it's an Insider piece):

"I was talking with ESPN College GameDay host Chris Fowler about Saturday's game between USC and Notre Dame. In the 10 years I have been on this show, I can't recall a regular-season GameDay with this much anticipation and hype."

Are you kidding me? Well, that's just ESPN, the sports media's version of an ethical and substantive landslide. How about Sports Illustrated, a sports journalism outlet I respect for its generally high level of professionalism and usual abundance of unique information:

"It's a game so big, Notre Dame moved its traditional Friday-night pep rally from the basketball arena to the football stadium. ESPN's GameDay crew is arriving a day early. NBC is bringing extra cameras and hotel rooms are going for $499 a night."

That is just worthless drivel, courtesy of--whom else?--Mr. Eat a Dick, Stewart Mandel. Or, as I call him, The Least Informative College Football Writer in the world.

And even when people try to discuss the game without synthetic drama, it still contributes to the empty anticipation. Sorry, Bill Curry.

LD surely must have another take on this.

- For all the talk about Iowa being a colossal flop, the Hawkeyes are 4-2 and will probably be 6-2 heading into a season-ending road trip to Northwestern, Wisconsin, and Minnesota. I don't know that Iowa is running the table, but things could get interesting if it puts a win streak together right now. And yes, this is a baseless hunch, so rip away knowing that I know.

BlogPoll
The latest BlogPoll is posted here. I couldn't win my eponymous award this week because to underrate accurately rate your team, it has to be rated in the first place. And mine isn't. Nor will it be for the rest of the season, I'd guess. I did come in fifth in the Mr. Stubborn category, the one that tracks voters whose ballots change the least from week to week. But, I don't see myself as unusually difficult, though. To paraphrase Barry Bonds, I'm not stubborn, I'm right: no sense in changing things if you're voting smartly to begin with.

Before we get to my ballot, I should note that this weekend I watched Minnesota beat the Michigan; Georgia beat Tennessee; Penn State beat Ohio State; and parts of Texas beating Oklahoma. Oh, and if you live in the Oxford, MS area and haven't seen your first-born son for a while, there's a good chance that The Orgeron used him in a ritualistic sacrifice of appreciation. Now onto the ballot:

..........Tim Duncan..........
1) Southern Cal - Look, I hate you. You take all of the recruits that I want. Your coach has the attitude that I wish my coach had. You play the way that I wish my team played. Whatever. I can look past all that. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE destroy Notre Dame. Rudy Sucks.
2) Texas - Mack Brown's wife probably got twisted out during October for the first time in six years last weekend.
3) Virginia Tech - Putting the middle of nowhere on the map.

..........Dirk Diggler..........
4) Florida State - Doesn't seem to miss Steve Nash, but hasn't been guarded by McGrady in playoffs yet.
5) Alabama - Playing really well, but was Prothro injury the annual twisted ankle?
6) Georgia - Having league's best record in December means nothing until you get past usual mid-season lull.
7) Miami - Just don't know if The U is ready for the next level yet.

..........Gilbert Arenas..........
8) Michigan State - Really dangerous...
9) Notre Dame - ...but obvious flaws in game...
10) UCLA - ...can be brilliant...
11) Penn State - ...though not without some clunkers...
12) Florida - ...at times moody and flat...
13) LSU - ...and ultimately not yet beyond skepticism...

..........Kirk Hinrich..........
14) The Ohio State Joke of a University - Fundamentally sound and hard working.
15) Louisville - Seems incapable of sustaining highest level of play but really impressive most of the time.
16) Auburn - Off of most people's radars.
17) Cal - High expectations and strong start but went out in the first round.
18) Boston College - White.
19) Texas Tech - I want to like you more, but some things just don't sit right with me.

..........Damon Jones..........
20) Oregon - Can explode and put points up in a hurry.
21) Tennessee - But can also struggle to score at times.
22) West Virginia - Pretty inconsistent.
23) Colorado - A career also-ran.
24) Fresno State - Most effective when underestimated and given too much space.
25) Connecticut - Came out of nowhere.

..........Tim Thomas..........
100) Michigan - Lots of talent but will NEVER put it all together unless some major changes are made. It might be too late already. Maybe the most disappointing presence in the L. Lots of bad decisions.

..........Magic Johnson..........
1,000,000) Pittsburgh - Worst-possible coaching candidate.

Employment, a Plague Upon Responsible Humanity

If work becomes an ugly woman shoving a you-know-what up your you-know-where, you've got problems.

Work: What's amatta witchu?
Me: Look: A) you're a who-ah; B) you hit me.
Work: Well, no excuses--you're getting the Ralphie Treatment
Me: I'm a made guy!

...And then I get raped.

Kids, when you grow up, don't get jobs. At least, don't get jobs you respect at places where you shouldn't be blogging. If you do, you won't have the time needed to compose internets blabber about the minutiae that you hate (making more than two stops during any given elevator trip); the football coach that you hate (oh boy); the things that you love (the NBA, poetry, scotch, Ghostface in concert pointing to his grown-ass son and saying things like "That came from my dick!); the basketballers that you love (say it ain't so, Amare!); the dreams that you love, like the one in which my dad imagines that he's Steve Kerr getting racially profiled by Oscar Robertson's wife at all-star weekend(!); and all the other useless junk that people seem to read.

I am going to seize the opportunity afforded us by the God of the Hebrews tonight and Thursday, atoning for my sinfully derelict blog by coming back like cooked coke crack Ralph Cifaretto whatever.

Don't do drugs.

Flying Pigs Seen in the Sky

We Are...Penn State

Lloyd Carr is ruining this program. Period.

Michigan plays with no emotion. Michigan makes no adjustments. Michigan can't tackle. Michigan can't rush the passer. Michigan gets no push from the offensive line. Michigan can't run outside. Michigan calls predictable plays. Michigan gets worn down too easily. Michigan's special teams are usually anything but. THAT'S ALL COACHING.

But motherfucking worst of motherfucking all, Michigan is led by a gutless relic whose game plans are always inspired by fear, complacency, and stubbornness. Listen, Lloyd: YOU DO NOT WIN GAMES BY KICKING FIELD GOALS, SO STOP PLAYING LIKE YOU CAN. AND STOP BLOWING DOUBLE-DIGIT LEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never thought this could happen, but Lloyd Carr has stolen the fun from Michigan football. The losses are like slow marches toward the electric chair, and when we win, I am relieved, not happy, because I have been spared a week's worth of anguish and embarrassment.

For those who want to find excuses and bury Chad Henne: Injuries suck, but they're a part of football. A team that pulls in the recruits that Michigan does should be preparing more than twenty-two guys who can plan. It also sucks to have a quarterback who is failing to execute. But some of those execution failures could be corrected. He releases the ball too low and nearly sidearms some throws. Coach that shit up!

It also is just STUPID to be throwing the ball over and over to a guy with a fucking cast on his hand. And if you can't run outside, it's just mean and arrogant to keep the one fast RB on your team on the bench. What's that? He fumbles? Well guess what? So do Michael Hart (check the tape) and Kevin Grady.

There is a lot more to say, but the bottom line is this: The particulars and the players always change, but the coaching staff and the results never do. Actually, now they have: things are getting worse. Michigan is 3-3 overall, 2-2 at home. This season, it has lost to three of the four real teams that it played, and it beat Michigan State only because of embarrassment and another team's fuck ups. Michigan has atrophied and the team that Lloyd Carr is putting on the field each week is a listless, embarrassing group. It's been eleven seasons; that's enough.

FUCK A LLOYD CARR.

Best of Both Worlds

College football + NBA basketball = Best day ever. For serious...
With the Tide rolling in the Bear Bryant sort of way--as opposed to the Mike Price sort of way--Crimson Tide quarterback Brodie Croyle is the college football man of the hour. He has his own fan-run Heisman-hype website, ubiquitous references to his Ringo Starr-like look, and so many women (I'd imagine) that he actually could roll some Mike Price tide. But not just that. The frequency with which his photographs are included in stories about college football and just generally placed in mainstream publications like Sports Illustrated (as opposed to publications outside of the mainstream, like the NAMBLA newsletter, Boy Toys, or some shit like that) has afforded me an opportunity to see America's new favorite #12 from so many angles that I have conclusively decided that if Manu Ginobili can't figure out what to wear when he goes trick-or-treating this year, he can just find a Crimson shirt and a knee brace and say he's dressed up as Croyle. (Wow that was a long sentence!) Take a look--Brodie's in yellow; Manu's in the air; Shula's constipated; the Clippers are hopeless:



Am I crazy? Maybe. And I actually feel bad proposing this because nothing makes me crazier than when media types insist that two people look alike just because their skin is a similar color and they get their hair cut at the same place. But in my defense, you know how it is with those light-skinned types: they all look the same to me.

+ Links = Best day ever + links. It's science...er, math:
- Remember when I wrote this? Well, here's the result. A big "vass ahp" to 'Horns Blog, Paul Wall Westerdawg (what it do?), Hesimanpundit, and EDSBS for also flexing the strength of their street knowledge.

-Peep game: The Assimilated Negro. A new must read.

- Peep game, pt. II: One Soulful Negro.

- Queen of All Internets Stacey sent this to me. My favorite part is that they play music from Newsies during the newsboy scenes. And when they say at the end, "...but, somebody's gonna get raped."

- She also sent me this: George Bush, Blues Brother? Oh boy...

- Curt Schilling must be so mad at his God right now. I bet he'll tell you about it if you have a microphone on hand.

+ More basketball = Head explosion
Why is it that every question about sports is always "burning"? Ponder that as you read my latest scorcher:

Is Paul Pierce overrated anymore?

This doubles as his audition tape for one of those church shows on BET. Ephesians 5:11!

It's been a wild ride through the maelstrom that we call "public opinion" for the Association's least-graceful all-star.

Things started out really well: Pierce was a heralded freshman expected to help Good Ol' Roy finally win a national title after years of frustrating losses thanks to the whitest possible players, dudes like Jerod Haas and T.J. Pugh. We all know that things didn't fully work out for Pierce and Williams; lots of "couldn't give a shit" losses ensued, but Pierce largely fulfilled his promise. In fact, while Pierce was in Lawrence, the Dick Vitales of this world and everyone else--the mentally stable, objective non-propagandists and commentators--couldn't talk about Pierce in terms that glowed brightly enough: He was so versatile; he was such a leader; he worked so hard; he could do it all. His stock was high.

And then the 1998 draft happened and Pierce got picked tenth, behind NBA luminaries like Michael Olowokandi, Robert Traylor, and Raef LaFrentz. (If that draft were conducted again today, the top ten probably would be: Dirk Diggler; Pierce; Vince Carter; Mike Bibby; Rashard Lewis; Larry Hughes; Antawn Jamison; Cuttino Mobley; Al Harrington; Ricky Davis. Once everyone with a pulse had been selected, someone would roll the dice with the Kandi Man.) People were shocked; Pierce was constantly said to have been chagrined. He was going to make all nine of the teams that passed on him pay for their theoretically stunning ignorance! No one had ever used that motivational ploy before and it was so refreshing! His college exploits and the perceived slight made Pierce even more of a media favorite.

Pierce did little to disappoint his fans and adoring journalists, [hackneyed writing]storming onto the NBA scene[/hackneyed writing] as a rookie, putting up 19, 9, 5, and 4 blocks in his first game and posting take-notice averages for the season. Pierce steadily improved in his second and third years, establishing himself as a member of the new elite in the L, the wave of stars that were set to fill the post-Jordan void.

On the eve of his third season, Pierce got shanked in an attack that was reminiscent of Adibisi at his best. Luckily, Pierce recovered in time to score 25 per during 2000-2001; that sent his stock soaring.

And then 2001-2002 happened, and Pee-uhce (as Tom Heinsohn might say) had to knock people off his dick because everyone wanted on. His scoring, rebounding, and assists were all up and what's most importantly, Boston made a memorable playoff run that ended short of the Finals but served as a culmination of the Paul Pierce ascendancy.

Entering the 2002-2003 campaign, people actually talked about and wrote about Paul Pierce as though he were a top-ten player without cracking up and without any sarcasm. It was bizarre. But given what the Celtics seemed poised to do; the numbers that Pierce was putting up; and The Truth's patented awkward athleticism that resulted in some of the most aesthetically challenging plays of beauty, it was mostly warranted. Sort of like all the hype for Oregon State that one year.

Unfortunately, the wheels were beginning to fall off. That season, Pierce's numbers remained incredibly strong, however his defense was vanishing; his work ethic, which had previously been treated as sacrosanct, came into question; and his leadership ability was proved to not exist. Pee-uhce and Antoine got the Celtics out of the first round, but in the anticipated rematch with the Nets, the Cs got swept and seemed like a beaten team the whole time. It was already too late to sell at a maximum profit.

To be fair to Pierce, the 2003 disaster owed in large part to Kenyon Martin sonning Walker for four straight games. Every time 'Toine went to work down low, KMart would punk him, frustrating 'Toine and throwing the Celtic attack out of wack. Walker was so horrendous that drastic measures had to be taken, but the criticism of Pierce only intensified given how poorly the Celtics had performed at a critical juncture. As Bill Walton probably incredulously said for about two straight weeks that May, never once regaining any of his credulity as reality hit him in the face, "Where is the leadership? That's horrible!"

And then things went from getting bad to worse. Before the 2003-2004 season, the Celtics traded Antoine Walker to the Mark Cuban-owned Madame Tussaud's franchise in Dallas at the height of the fantasy-basketball strategy that curator Cuban was employing. Were Pierce Mary J. Blige, he would have told Celtic management that he had lost his "lover and secretaire." And it showed: Boston went 36-46 as Pierce's shot selection devolved into what it looks like when blind people play basketball; his defense continued to erode; and he started to seem surly and even listless at times. The Celtics made the playoffs (with 36 wins!) and seized the opportunity by...getting swept by the Pacers. Pierce turned the ball over 25 times in those four games and suddenly, he was getting called out by fans and writers. Elite players don't get rolled like that. Pierce is not a leader. We thought this guy was arguably the best shooting guard in the league? Sell! Sell! Sell!

Coming into last season, Pee-uhce's status had markedly declined. Whereas once people had talked about him as one of the ten best players in the league, by the beginning of last year, people would have snickered if anyone even brought his name up during the discussion. And perhaps even worse for Pierce, the media treated him as though he were a burden, a heartless, bitter gunner who was holding the Celtics back with his questionable decisions and turnovers. Sure, he could still hit for a triple double on a give night, but he was even more likely to shoot 7-21 and force too much. In my mind, Pee-uhce's stock hit its nadir when credible sources were saying he might get traded to Portland. Hello?! The dude turned the ball over too much, but all of sudden he had earned a spot as a member of the NBA's walking, talking, dunking public service announcement? Don't be like them, kids. Shit, you couldn't pay someone to buy that sort of a stock.

As it turned out, the Celtics made the playoffs and put up a good fight in the first round before losing to the Pacers (again). However the story of the season was what the relative success meant for the future. The Celtics were seen as a young team that would only improve, and the unspoken subtext was "And that improvement process would be accelerated if the team got something for its malcontent of a star."

So now, back to my original question. I always thought that Paul Pierce was overrated. Sure, I was consistently impressed by his numbers and grudgingly admired his game. But, I also didn't see him as a real leader, as a real winner. (And I couldn't--and still can't--get past how odd he looks when he's playing. He's sort of like the shooting guard version of Jerome Bettis: He seems clumsy and unwieldy and he knocks into guys a lot, but he's undeniably effective and has moments of breath-taking nimbleness.) There is no one who would tell you that Jason Kidd is the most physically gifted point guard in the league, however his value is undeniable given the results that he produces. With Pierce, the talent was there, but his results and personality were obvious counters to claims about his theoretical greatness. In short, he looked better on paper than in real life, and I never felt that the credit he had received early on was warranted.

His relatively rapid fall from grace seems to prove that anointing him as NBA royalty back in 2002 was always a tenuous distinction; even a guy like McGrady was held in higher regard when he left Orlando, and that was after he admitted to effectively quitting on his own team. But all that said, is it possible that Pierce is now simply fairly rated or, even worse (or better depending upon your perspective), underrated?

The guy still puts up really strong numbers, and while he isn't winning a title by making other dudes better, he probably isn't the horrible teammate that he's now made out to be. He's not Kobe. Shouldn't Pierce be seen in a better light? Shouldn't people continue to harbor more esteem for his game and a more favorable evaluation of his worth? He's no longer overrated, right?

I'm Kind of a Big Deal

Nothing says smash-mouth defense like firmly pressed pleated pants.

One of the few mainstream media outlets that is consistently intelligent and capable of envisioning a media environment in which we--the writers and the bloggers--can all get along, Sports Illustrated, er, SI On Campus, asked me to design my "perfect" college football team. Honored--and terrified that were I to refuse, Don Yaeger would show up at my job ready to ruin my life with his "investigative reporting"--I submitted the following:

When assembling a dream team, I am looking for inflexible, redundant players who can't adequately carry out all of the tasks required for success and are more likely to quit on their teammates and hate their coach than to play with pride. And I want a coach who is so awesomely self-absorbed that he benches three of the ten best players available to him. He needs to say things like David Robinson can't be coached because he's too interested in things other than basketball. He--oh, shoot, sorry. I was describing USA Basketball. My bad.

For my dream college football team, I am looking for the right mixture of personality and ability. Adrian Peterson is probably the best all-around tailback in college football given his speed, power, and athleticism, but he's not on my team. Why not? Have you seen Oklahoma this year? Or, to be more articulate, for the same reasons that I'd pick Bill Russell over Wilt Chamberlain to start at center if I were building an all-time NBA starting five: I need guys whose abilities complement those of their teammates.

QB) Matt Leinart, USC - Leinart can make every throw and is a savvy field general. He throws the nicest deep ball I've ever seen in college and his touch is as close to perfect as you'll find. He is even a deceptively effective scrambler when a situation dictates, however he won't bail out on a play, forfeiting an important completion.

RB) Michael Hart, Michigan - Hart doesn't possess top-end speed and isn't explosive like a Reggie Bush, however he is an excellent blocker, an excellent receiver, and has excellent vision. He also NEVER goes down upon first contact and has proven his reliability and durability. Hart, more than any other back, allows a team to play multiple styles, from the deliberate to the two-minute, and from the shotgun to the power I. He also is a steadying and edifying presence in the huddle and on the field, always leading by example. A complete back.

WRs) Tyrone Prothro, Alabama and Calvin Johnson, Georgia Tech - And just so we're clear, this is pre-sickening-leg-snap Prothro. Tyrone is was is a burner who will allow my offense to run trick plays, stretch the field at will, and take a slip screen 70 yards for a score. He wa/is also a dangerous weapon as a kick returner on punts and kickoffs. Johnson is pretty much an ideal WR--fast, big, and steady. He adjusts to the ball beautifully when it's in the air and he commands attention given his physical gifts and play-making ability. Combined with Prothro, Johnson ensures that my offense can exploit every kind of coverage, and he gives me a receiver who demands a double team, leaving the speedy Prothro either in one-on-one coverage or freeing up the middle of the field for a gifted receiver like Hart...

TE) Greg Olsen, Miami - ...or Olsen. Olsen knows how to get open. Period. And once he does--usually down the field and in the middle--he hangs onto the ball.

OL) Southern California - This unit is getting almost 280 yards a game and allowing the men who lineup behind it to get 7.13 yards per carry. Read that last stat again. With the USC offensive line, there's a good chance that my offense can ball-control you to death or hit for the big play. Pick your poison. And don't worry about the pass protection: The line has surrendered five sacks per game, a respectable number that will would indicate that my quarterback would have time to throw and could avoid injury.

DL) Florida State - The nationally second-best 20 sacks and sixth-best rush defense don't even really tell the full story of this group. Just watch the way that these guys get off the ball and upfield, destroying plays and hounding quarterbacks. The most aggressive and intimidating line in the country.

LBs) Ohio State - You can lead the country in rush defense when your linebackers fly around the field making sure tackles and plugging holes for sixty minutes every week. You can also register the seventh-highest sack total when a LB like Bobby Carpenter is aggressive and intelligent enough to blitz so effectively so consistently.

DBs) Virginia Tech - Opposing defenses have completed less than 50-percent of their passes against this group, and the Hokies are yielding just 136 yards through the air each game. Combine that production with obvious standouts like the cocksure Jimmy Williams and guys who are coached up enough to serve as weapons on special teams, and you have a defensive backfield of real value.

OC) Brent Myers and Mark Helfrich, Arizona State - Arizona State is a rare commodity: an explosive team comfortable in both primary phases of offense, getting more than 200 yards on the ground and almost 400 yards through the air each game. What I especially like about this duo is that it has called good games against strong competition, helping the Sun Devils find true success against athletic defenses like those at LSU and USC.

DC) Gene Chizik, Texas - During his last two years at Auburn, Chizik produced top-five defenses, and at Texas this year, despite losing Derrick Johnson, Chizik has the Longhorns ranked tenth in total defense. His teams have played smart, fundamentally sound football. That approach has yielded impressive results, so what more could you want?

HC) Dave Wannstedt, Pittsburgh - Just to see if he could ever actually win anything.

Fans) The Orgeron, Mississipi - Who wants to mess with this dude? That's what I thought.

Mustache) Mike Gittleson, Michigan - See here:

Please, Good Friends...

...please peep game: Ronald Bellamy's Underachieving All-Stars. I love the title! I love the URL! I love the subtitle! A smashing debut.

And, peep even more: Nastack.com. On the come up, indeed.

Peeeeeeeep: Be a Human Being. An obvious variation on one of my favorite exhortations, "Be a person!" And it's funny.

Peeps, peep the latest BlogPoll. Guess who's back in the winner's circle...

And since we're peeping shit, um, peep this newness:
- Qualo, "Warrior"
Some new isht I just got sent by my mans 'an 'em. I like the simple but effective horn sample and the natural-sounding voices of the MCs. I could do without the chorus and the relatively sparse sonic composition. This, to me, sounds like a good album track but not a lead single.

- Ali Bey, "Fonky Shit"
From the underground EP I Killed Massa, "Fonky Shit" serves as a great showcase for imaginative lyricist Ali Bey. The understated production is almost a cliche, but is it really all that surprising since Ali had a Rawkus deal at one point? I wish that Ali could have spit another verse at the end of the track instead of allowing the beat to ride out for about a minute because dude has a mic presence that reminds me of Jeru--there is a subtle, amusing aggression, not menacing but no less forceful. I'm not really feeling the second dude who raps; he sounds like your run-of-the-mill, I-hate-the-mainstream undergrounder.

- Ali Bey, "Scams"
Ali, channeling a paranoid's ultimate nut-busting wet dream, goes pretty crazy on this joint from a content standpoint, combining the absurd, the probably plausible, and whatever falls in between. Again, Ali's mic presence is impressive, and the stripped down beats allow his voice to dominate the soundscape. I don't know if everything he says is original or brilliant, but I find it interesting nonetheless. Overall, I'd want to hear more from Ali. Anyone else?

Kobe the Best Player Ever with No Game

Get a good look at an upright Sura, because this might be a fleeting position.

Is it terribly fun to say and/or write the same things over and over again? Sometimes, I guess. Cataloguing Lloyd Carr's faults hasn't gotten stale for me, yet. Anyway, I ask because most NBA writers seem to think so. The preseason storylines I've seen in regular rotation have already gotten boring. It's not that the topics are unengaging or wrong, it's just that they aren't really a lot of fun when they're all anyone will talk about. I mean, we get it; everyone wants to know a few basic things:

- How can on earth can Styan Van Gundy ever possibly in this world--get this--coach a team with Dwyane Wade, Shyaq, The White Jyason Williams (and yes, when he rents a car, he initials "TWJW"), Antyoine Walker, and Gyary Payton? (My guess is that he'll watch tapes of other teams, run practices, show up at games, and employ similarly radical ideas like those.)

- Should anyone else even bother playing since the Spurs were already good and have now added--get this--two (!) all-stars!!!!!!!! So what if they're both golden-parachute eligible and already picking out the dates that they go on the injured list?

- Now that--get this--we haven't had any true drama in Laker Land for a whole season (!), will the Lakers welcome back Phil Jackson and finally get over the hump, making the playoffs for the first time since the last time, two whole years ago?! It's been sooooooooooooooo excruciatingly looooooooooooooooong. We all neeeeeeeeeed to talk about them at all times.

- Will Larry Brown do well in--get this--New York City?! Isn't that, like, where he's from? And isn't that, like, where the Knicks play? Next to all those cr-azy tabloids? What is going to happen? Ohmigod!

- What are we going to have to say about Steve Nash to continue overrating him now that Joe Johnson is gone? Did you know--get this--that he's way into soccer? He is just so cool.

And repeat.

Am I the only one tired of this shit? Again, these aren't trivial questions, but they're so obvious. No one who is interested in the NBA hasn't thought about these things. Do writers really think that it hasn't dawned on Joe NBAfan that it might be hard to get 'Toine to stop shooting so many threes? Or that beating the Spurs is going to be tough? I mean, Manu Ginobili didn't actually get kidnapped, did he?

Why can't more writers be asking the non-obvious but no less crucial questions? You know, like, how many racial epithets will Darius Miles hurl at Nate McMillan? How many days will it take for Larry Brown to put a bone in Jerome James's locker since the guy is a total dog? Who will be getting more rebounds this season, Charlie Villanueva or Earl Boykins? Where should we set the over/under for the number of games that Vince Carter will miss on account of being a pussy?

Given how thoroughly exhausted the usual topics of discussion have already become, I thought I could spend the rest of the week (today through Sunday) asking some Freakonomics-style disarming questions that might actually mean something and also enhance the milieu of NBA discourse:

1) Is Bobby Sura's doctor the most significant person in the Western Conference not named Duncan or Stoudemire?
There are two things that all people who get paid to talk about the NBA are contractually obligated to say when talking about Yao Ming: 1) He's going to be really good one day because of all his skills; and, 2) He is always tired because of the red Commie bastards in China. Well guess what, everyone, "one day" might both not ever get here and may already be here. Last season, Yao averaged 18.3 points, 8.4 rebounds, and 2 blocks per game while shooting .552 from the field and .783 from the charity stripe. That's "really good" by most measures. It's just not dominant, and Yao certainly has not summoned transcendent performances in the biggest moments. But he might not be able to, and this might be as good as he can be. I realize that the hype machine and his status as a top pick have conditioned us to expect that Yao Ming is supposed to be a taller version of Shaq, but I don't think that's happening. Shit, the dude's freakishly tall, so in some ways, it makes sense that he may have arrived at his ceiling sooner than expected.

Yao plays with no sustained intensity, and his relatively passive demeanor and limited athleticism might just mean that he is already maxing out his potential. Year after year, those who have anointed Yao as the rightful heir to the throne on which Mikan, Wilt, Russell, Kareem, Hakeem, and Shaq have sat tell us that Yao is already accomplished but will be even better when he can use an offseason to rest. That's a nugget of conventional "wisdom" that strikes me as total bullshit. It's not like the guy is unstoppable from November through February and then runs out of gas after the all-star break. And given that he's consistently failed to seize moments and galvanize his teammates, I am pretty certain that the guy is not ever going to be the fearsome center some had hoped he would be. This doesn't make Yao a failure; he is a significant player who can be an all-star for another decade. He just isn't a true star.

Yao plays with one, though. And his name is Tracy. Tracy McGrady. The last time we saw Tracy, he was shutting his critics the f up by carrying his poorly assembled team through a playoff series that it should have lost easily, scoring, dishing, boarding, and shutting down another imposter elite who--though it kills me to write this--has yet to distinguish himself as a real NBA superstar. If you are unimpressed by McGrady's performance last season, please go back and watch Ryan Bowen attempt to play SF. Q.E.D. MFers.

But even McGrady wasn't enough to get the Rockets onto the second round. So during the offseason, the Rockets improved, adding an athletic though underperforming PF in Stromile Swift, an athletic unknown in Derek Anderson, and a better point guard in Rafer Alston. That gives Houston a pretty good lineup. I'll assume that Anderson is going to be healthy and plug him into the starting backcourt alongside Skip and playing with a frontline of Ming, Stro, and TMac, playing out of position (though not due to size) at the SF. That leaves an odd bench without much reliable size (not so fast, Vin Baker; 78-year-old Mutombo; Juwan Howard?), the worst starting SF in the league last season (Bowen), and a lot of limited guards (David Wesley, Luther Head, Moochie Norris, Jon Barry). Is that group good enough to give the Rockets a credible second unit? And man, does that group miss Scott Padget (don't laugh).

That's where Sura comes in. Rather, his doctor. Last season--especially in the playoffs--Houston was a different team when Bobby Sura was healthy. Sura can do everything necessary on the floor--hit threes, run the offense, board, handle the ball, you name it. He also provides leadership through his enthusiasm, selflessness, and courage. He offers none of those things when he's hurt, though, and everything on his body--his legs, his ankles, his back--is subject to damage. If Sura can play, anchoring a second unit (and playing crunch time instead of Anderson in some games?), Houston immediately seems like a threat in the West. If he can't, then Houston could be a really disappointing team because its poor depth and questionable psyche may not hold up.

In the best-case scenario for this team, it gets good production from its new starters, benefits from the continued emergence of on-a-mission McGrady, and finds a bench good enough to get it into the Western Conference Finals. In the worst case scenario, it struggles to find a real backup center, power forward, and small forward as injuries and ineptitude submarine the season and put Houston in a first-round series against the Spurs or worse. In my mind, some, though not all, of this disparity in outcomes depends upon the health of a natural leader and serviceable player like Sura. So, is there any individual not named Duncan or Stoudemire who could affect the outcome of an entire conference more than Sura's doctor?

Crime Against Humanity

So I was watching SportsCenter tonight (in a moment of weakness) when I caught a glimpse of Barry Melrose as he did his Welcome Back a Dying League preview thing. All I want to know is: Did Melrose negotiate hair extensions as part of the new collective bargaining agreement? Have people seen his hair this season? Like, did he stipulate that he'd only talk about hockey if his already legendary mullet were augmented with fake hair to seem more and more like a multi-color head-mounted parachute? Melrose's hair looks like this right now:

+ =

I was eating rice cakes at the time, and I almost choked. I know that it's fun to talk about mullets and that some people even purposely groom themselves so that they can affect a certain ironic or condescending aesthetic, but that's not the case with Barry. He is just completely out of control. And because it's his signature look, I can't tell if he's let himself go or, conversely, if he's in rare hirsute form. Sort of like George Clooney; you never know if his five o'clock shadow is a sign of indifference or a cultivated look.

And while I'm talking mullets for a moment, one of the most underrated ever was Jem's boyfriend Rio's:



Truly, truly, truly outrageous...

BlogPoll: Ballot #6

They're totally gonna make it once they get back to L.A.

- Previous week's ballot
- Weekend roundups

Five weeks into the season and things are beginning to become a little clearer. At least, at the top. After the top ten, or so, best teams, it seems like there are still a lot of questions to be answered.

..........Title Contenders..........
1) USC - Just cancel the season already.
2) Texas - I really like the running game and the defense. If Texas doesn't beat Oklahoma this week, it's just never happening.
3) Virginia Tech - Won an intense little rivalry game on the road by 17.

..........Team No One Wants to Play..........
4) Work-Release All-Stars of Columbus - Probably worked at their "jobs" during the off week.

..........Really Good But Beatable..........
5) Alabama - Roll Tide!
6) Georgia - Week off. Still waiting for expected underwhelming performance.
7) Florida State - Don't look now, but the offense might be coming along.
8) Miami - Nothing spectacular, but they have been shutting teams down.

..........Good Teams With Obvious Faults..........
9) Tennessee - I am so thoroughly unimpressed by this team each week, however it seems to have the talent and it beat an LSU team that I respected.
10) LSU - Defense seems pretty iffy, but the aggregation of talent is impossible to ignore. This team drops like a rock if it gets upset, because right now, I think I continue to have esteem for it because of its win against the Sun Devils and its potential.
11) Arizona State - Hardest team to rank. It's lost to the best team in the last ten years and a very able LSU squad. As I said at the beginning of the poll, I just ask myself "Who wins, head to head?" and I don't see many teams that can beat ASU.
12) Michigan State - Could (should?) have beaten Michigan and was "limited" to 400+ yards and 31 points. How many teams can beat that?
13) Notre Dame - I am now a begrudging believer. I no longer think that the offense's success has been a fluke, and the defense has been good enough.
14) Florida - Defense had looked good and offense had looked good enough until Saturday. I really have no idea why UF looked so flat and so out of sorts in Tuscaloosa. Can't get a full read on this team until we see how it responds to the adversity of a demoralizing loss.

..........Pretty Good But Still Not Fully Convincing..........
15) California - Still hasn't played a truly good team, but there is plenty to be said for beating teams that you're supposed to. Just ask Michigan.
16) UCLA - Mulligan? For Dorrell's sake, let's hope so. What a horrible, horrible win. Nestor et al.: Welcome to Michigan football, when winning feels like losing.
17) Penn State - I thought that this was a cute little dog and pony show until the Nits put a beatdown on a team I respect. Suddenly, 10/15 in Ann Arbor has me nervous. Gonna learn a lot this weekend against the Fuckeyes.
18) Georgia Tech - No game. *Shrug*
19) Auburn - Has come back strong since GT loss. Early defeat seems to have moved this team back to where it was most of last year: off the radar.
20) Boston College - Beating Ball State is like beating your dick.

..........I Have to Rank 25 Teams..........
21) Wisconsin - I have seen this team in person against a decent defense and I was not impressed. Beating Indiana does little to change that impression.
22) Texas Tech - Kansas is at least a school I've heard of.
23) Louisville - Welcome back. Don't fuck it up.
24) Minnesota - What was that? Probably a bad thing for Michigan.

..........Teams That Needed Overtime to Beat Baylor..........
25) Texas A&M - Pathetic.

A note about what is sure to be yet another Straight Bangin' Award won: I am not purposely punishing Michigan unfairly. Not only has the team shown itself to be pedestrian--that's what we call most 3-2 teams--but anyone who reads this site on the regular knows that I find the coaching staff extremely suspect and worthy of criticism and skepticism. As cited above, when I rank these teams, I ask myself who would win on a neutral field. Michigan is surely more talented than many of the teams ranked on this ballot, however it rarely uses a style that exploits this talent advantage to its full extent and coaching is a major part of football. I am not yet confident that UM can beat any of the teams listed above it due to its coaching and overall program structure, save for Michigan State. I have seen that with my own eyes, so perhaps logic should compel me to drop MSU below UM. By way of explanation, I'd point out that MSU did a number of things to beat itself this past Saturday and UM played its best-possible game and still barely won. We can discuss if you'd like.

And one more time: Update Your Resume!

It's Time, MFers!

Does Bobby Simmons have to choke a bitch?

For most idiots people, October is an exciting sports month primarily because the baseball playoffs start. For complete idiots an ever dwindling few, October is an exciting sports month primarily because the NHL season starts. At least, when they have one. But for those of us who actually know something, October is an exciting sports month primarily because NBA training camps open, carrying with them the promise of another season featuring ridiculous athleticism (hello, Mr. Stoudemire), absurd personalities (people have heard about Gilbert Arenas, right?), compelling personal rivalries (like Kobe Bryant versus his teammates), and all the other extracurriculars that enhance the greatest sport on the planet.

A lover of all things NBA, I CANNOT wait, and thankfully, the NBA's unique personnel have wasted no time trying to make news. In the coming days, Straight Bangin' will roll out its season preview, hand out its preseason awards, lay out its preseason predictions, and show out its love for the L. I may even enlist some friends to makes things even more interesting. But for now, I thought I'd break out of this offseason NBA slump with a few ruminations about some happenings:

- What becomes of the broken hearted? They get new multi-million dollar contracts thanks to Uncle Isiah and a Knicks organization that is still searching for even newer ways to epitomize bad and/or mediocre. Just in case you hadn't yet thought of your ten best jokes about Eddy Curry, Hank Gathers, Isiah Thomas, and the Knicks playing without heart, here's the deal, literally: The Knicks have traded the NBA's Stupidest Man and the NBA's Largest Ass to Chicago for the NBA's Worst Heart and Antonio Davis. The Bulls also get a 2006 first-round pick, one which may be lottery protected. This last part of the deal will be worked out later. If the Bulls are smart, they'll hold out for a lottery pick as long as possible, because who know what kind of fucking stupid ideas Isiah can come up with between now and June.

The only reason that the Bulls made this trade is because they were going to lose Curry for the season and then see him walk as a free agent. He wasn't taking a DNA test--something that he should NEVER have done given all of the implications it has for him and employment law, generally, and his union, specifically--and the Bulls weren't letting him play without one. In return, they get Tim Thomas's expiring contract at about ~$11m this season, cap relief that could help the Bulls next summer or entice another team and lead to the acquisition of a real post player. Mike Sweetney will be a free agent in 2007, and in the next two years, Da Bulls can figure out if he is ever going to be more than a rebounding wide load. I think he has some potential, but he isn't tall enough to play the way he wants to.

It's hard to feel really good or really bad about this trade if you're a Knicks fan. Isiah has handed out $60 million dollars--and all salaries are fully guaranteed, now--to a guy who might not get cleared to play by a doctor. That is just horrible. That's like trading for Troy Aikman. And the Knicks probably can't get the contract properly insured; what moron insurer is going to carry the load given Curry's medical history?

Assuming that he does step on a court again and, all jokes aside, can remain healthy, Curry could turn into a Knicks center for the future. 6'11" with plenty of girth, Curry is the sort of low-post threat rumored to no longer exist. Dude is long on potential and needs to get his ass in shape, raise his shooting percentage, start rebounding, and play better defense, but the raw materials are there. I'm 99% positive that these improvements are never happening, but whatever piece of me can actually endure loving such an inept franchise like the Knicks year after year is the same piece hoping that Curry gets his mind (and heart) right. If that happens, I'll be forced to upgrade my evaluation of the Isiah tenure from Worst Failure Ever to Hit Iceberg But Didn't Sink. Or, if you prefer a different analogy: There is no way that Satan could ever repent enough to make it into heaven, but maybe people would like him a little more if he started volunteering to serve lunch to old people or did some other goody-goody shit.

At the same time, now that Ricky Davis has found out the hard way which stats count toward a triple double and which ones don't, the Knicks have dumped the player most likely to shoot at his own basket. Fugazi is also the sort of guy who, after scoring two baskets in garbage time of a forty-point loss, would tell a reporter, "We just wanted to play for pride and show who's boss." He hasn't actually said that, but would anyone be surprised if he did? Losing an expiring contract hurts, but Antonio Davis and his impending retirement have filled the void. Even if he gets cut and goes back to Kanyeland, the Knicks will be a little bit closer to $7 trillion over the cap next summer. And best/worst of all, there just won't be any Thomas-related acrimony. I was hoping to remain regaled by his feats of unintelligence as the Knicks sucked their way to 30 wins, but I won't miss his pouting about playing time since he isn't good and shouldn't get minutes ahead of guys like Q or Trevor Ariza.

And in the meantime, here's what your new Knicks two-deep should look like:

PG: Soon-to-be-gone Stephon (who will, henceforth, be known as "STBG")
SG: Jamal Crawford
SF: Quentin Richardson
PF: Malik Taylor-Davis
C: Hank Gathers

PG: Nate Robinson
SG: The two best knees available among Penny and Houston
SF: Ariza
PF: Maurice Antonio Rose
C: Well-compensated backup Jerome James

That's one "star" point guard who doesn't win; two guys who only want to shoot threes; two SGs who can't move or defend; one SF still learning the game; three journeymen PFs; two fat-asses; and a 5''7" guy who is the new savior of the team. Um, dat...not...good!

Given that Curry and Tyson Chandler were effective when playing with each other, I'd like to see the Knicks play Channing Frye as a long PF at times since he needs the minutes and this team is not going anywhere, anyway. Frye should also be working on his high-post passing and his 15-foot jumper. Those are the sorts of things that the Knicks will need if Cockeyed Optimist Plan A works out and Curry becomes a productive member of the team.

For now, though, let's all start picking out ideas for Curry's theme music at the Garden. "Heatbeat" is too obvious.

- Does anyone think that Jeff Van Gundy is going to enjoy coaching Skip? Yeah, me neither. I suppose that Skip brings more to a team than James since Skip can (emphasis on ability to, not necessarily reality) run a team and James is more of a situational guy, but I question this move. Just seems like great potential for problems and limited potential for marked improvement. It will be great watching Alston run the break with TMac and 'Stro Show, though. If Jeff let's them...

- Biggest non-story of the offseason. Yawn.

- "Welcome to Milwaukee, where the players play/and we fondle, beat on women like every day"?

- "Upside potential," when used in a sports context, makes the person who uses the phrase sound like a fucking moron.

Loud Noise, All Around

Pops enough bottles on stage to run with the most decadent of the gully set.

This interweb is about four things, primarily: Music, sports, politics, my eccentricities. My passion for the first item on that list and the startlingly high preponderance of the facets of my life that provide fodder for the fourth item would perhaps explain the following: I LOVE Pearl Jam.

When I was a youth, I went to a summer camp where most of my closest friends were Pearl Jam fans. A hip-hop head from the jump, I didn't know shit about what they were into. But the dutiful and open-minded friend that I am, I absorbed a lot of that passion and then cultivated my own interest in a band that I, equipped with my limited knowledge of contemporary rock and roll, consider the greatest American rock band of all time. Disagree if you'd like; it could make for an elucidating conversation.

Pearl Jam is just a phenomenal band. The group's catalogue is extensive, varied, and generally quite good. Most music fans seem to act as though Pearl Jam stopped making music after Vitalogy, however I'd argue that No Code was perhaps PJ's second-most-enjoyable record, and I think that Yield, Binaural, and Riot Act are all pretty good to varying extents. I mention these latter four records because, to me, they are proof of the longevity and growth that most critics--amateur or professional--often cite as necessary components in the equation for greatness. "Parting Ways" sounds nothing like "Not for You," and tracks like "Elderly Woman" and "Light Years" both elicit a "fuck, yeah!" for different reasons, but all are among the myriad stand-out songs that the group has consistently created for more than a decade. And don't even get me started on how good a Pearl Jam live show is; I'd pay a ton of money to see them.

This past weekend, I made a little trip down to Atlantic City to do just that, checking out Pearl Jam at the Borgata. The venue was great--me and 3,999 of my closest friends spent about three hours with Pearl Jam and Sleater-Kinney. It was like a high school auditorium without the seats but replete with really cheesy carpeting. The PJ set list was fairly strong--it started out great, with songs like "Present Tense" and "Save You," and trailed off a little toward the ending, featuring relative junk like "Bee Girl" and "Don't Give Me No Lip." Thankfully, we were not forced to endure a performance of "Yellow Ledbetter," as the group welcomed Ace Frehley to the stage for a closing rendition of "Rockin' in the Free World." Overall, a great night.

But hold up for one second. Does anyone know if Eddie Vedder is penetrating a member of Sleater-Kinney? I did a cursory internets search for this information and couldn't come to a definitive conclusion. I ask because I can't think of any other reason why Pearl Jam would continue to tour with a band that, to my knowledge, adds absolutely nothing to the lineup. I've now heard Sleater-Kinney live three times and each time, they sound worse and worse. They are just horrible. Their songs barely have melodies, their stage "show" is completely boring, and Corin Tucker has the MOST ANNOYING VOICE EVER. I mean, is the whole point of the band that women can make just as much grating noise as men? If so, kudos to S-K for succeeding in this endeavor. I now think it's time for the members to find something else to do. As mentioned above, I know very little about contemporary rock and roll music, so maybe I am just an ignorant outsider who wasn't told that pointless guitar strumming and thunderous whining can receive critical acclaim. Please, someone, clue me in.

More Music:
- Little Brother, "Bragging, Boasting"
Ali Shaheed Muhammed called; he wants his style back. I mean, wow! This is straight up Native Tongues.

- MF Doom ft. RZA, "Biochemical Equation"
The RZA's voice is what molasses would sound like could it speak. And I don't mean that as an insult; that's just the quality that it seems to have. I'm not loving the tempo on this joint; it doesn't seem to fit Doom too well. I think that there are just too many gaps in the overall sound. It's ok for RZA, though. RZA can rap over anything since he basically just lectures the whole time. With him, it all just sounds like one continuous session that was cut up and put over various instrumentals.

- Jamie Foxx ft. Ludacris, "Unpredictable"
My memory is failing me right now, and I am too lazy to look it up. That intro is "If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want to Be Right" right? Please, help me out. I hate getting these brain itches, those moments when you know you know something but can't summon the information.

So far, the two songs I've heard from Foxx make me think he is going to be just like every other non-descript R&B singer. He'll just have a bigger budget and better guests. Honestly, what distinguishes his voice or his sound? Couldn't Avant have made this song? Keith Sweat? Fuck, this could be an R. Kelly song if Ronald Isley were cooing in the background.

- DJ Muggs and GZA, "Smothered Mate"
"Liquid Swords" is maybe the best unwittingly appropriate title ever. The GZA just flows from track to track absolutely slaying and hacking his way through whatever he gets his voice on. And he is just so menacing in that serial killer kind of way; in a horror movie, he'd walk, never run, if he were chasing someone. The dude is just...calm all the time. I was listening to some of his stuff last week, and I think that his rhyming style lends itself to so many metaphorical descriptions because he is so good at what he does in such a specific way that it demands another context so that people can fully appreciate what's going on. His voice almost always matches the beat, and his verses are so loaded that you need to listen to them more than once because it's easy to get hung up on one punch line or one word or one image and miss a lot of other stuff. Kind of like a boxer effectively working the body: it's mostly unspectacular but it really works and you have to respect it. Dude might be the Bernard Hopkins of hip-hop.

- Black Rob, "Ready"
I know it's not new, but does anyone else find this song hilariously reactionary? Let's see: Minimal, drum-driven beat? Check. Gimmicky quasi-sample chorus? Check. Complete idiocy: "...Or get smart/read books by Nostradamus"? Check. Trite vernacular? Check. J-U-M-P!

- Maybe we internet music fans are afflicted (motivated?) by too much ennui, but it was pretty funny listening to Hot 97 this afternoon and hearing someone get all hyped about that "new" Three 6 Mafia song "Stay Fly." I mean, didn't the remix come out about a month ago?

Weekend Roundup:
- Rightfully so, many other blog proprietors have picked up on the masturbatory conversation that Bill Simmons and Chuck Klosterman recently had published on the .com. I could write ten Simmons-length essays about the not-so-secret secret that is the massive erosion of the Sports Guy--to me, he has become the internets' version of SportsCenter: formerly awesome, sadly diminished, mostly annoying, rarely insightful, occasionally entertaining--but I think most of my peers have already adequately and smartly called out Simmons and his column. I'd just reiterate that while the Sports Guy is likely the archetype for many everyday-fan sites that discuss sports and culture at length and on the regular (I'd add that those two things are large components in what most of we layfolk call "life," so it's not too hard to write about those things), he has become older, self-absorbed, and so alarmingly out of touch that it seems like he has, in effect, gone JoePa on us. Their media (blogging; football) have steadily grown and changed, but their philosophies have stayed the same (thousands of words day after day about the Red Sox; out-field-position the opponent). As a result, they have started to decline relative to their competitors (other sites are far more interesting and fresh; Penn State just hasn't recruited like it used to because kids want to play in better systems). Unlike Joe, the Sports Guy has yet to catch on. Derrick Williams, a true freshman, is a fucking stud and PSU just hung 44 using a dual-threat QB. Meanwhile, back on Page 2, the Sports Guy is still boasting about how many times he's watched Hoosiers and still making Nate Dogg references. Ain't nothin' changed but his change.

And one more thing: I think that Simmons is mildly threatened by blogs since they are killing him on his own turf. No one is doing his sorts of numbers (no one else is on ESPN), but there are funnier, smarter sports ideas and better-informed sports analyses all over the place. And no one is getting paid to do it.

- Pittsburgh vs. Rutgers
See here. And for those scoring at home, since last year, in Wannstedt's last fourteen games coached, he's 2-12.

- Mississippi vs. Tennessee
In the wake of the latest Orgeron loss, I'd like to unveil a new feature: Oxford, MS or Sodom and Gomorrah? Each week, you identify if the picture provided is one of the former or the latter. Go:


- Florida vs. Alabama
This year's Auburn? Um, probably not without Prothro and with Shula. But still, this was a big surprise. Suddenly, that 10/15 game between LSU and UF is a little less exciting. As a child, I was obsessed with George Teague, so in some ways, I am enjoying seeing the Tide roll again. Sorry, Orson and Stranko.

- Notre Dame vs. Purdue
Am I the only one suddenly intrigued by the idea that Jeff Szszserbiakamarja could be one of the five best WRs in the country? And if not best, how about most effective? He may not have the same athleticism of a Prothro or the same speed as a Ted Ginn, but who's having a better season? He seems to always be open, and he's always scoring. I'm serious, let's get some dialogue on this. BGS? Oh, and in case you didn't get the memo: Joe Tiller is never winning a big game.

- USC vs. Arizona State
Well, that was a cute first half. Awfully nice of USC to spot ASU a 21-3 lead. The Trojans really sold the whole "indifferent, ripe-for-an-upset" routine with all of those penalties. On behalf of all college football fans, I'd like to thank them for trying to instill some doubt. That second half comeback would have been rousing had it not smacked of inevitability. And poor LenDale White. When Reggie Bush flips into the end zone, it's fun and flashy and cool. When LenDale jumps into the end zone...it's a penalty. Ain't nothin' 'bout Carmelo LenDale!

Internetting: An Idiot's Playground

If I were Tyler Ecker, I'd do the same thing

Being wrong sucks. As a human, and especially as a male, I can attest to this being one of the worst feelings we're forced to endure. The shame, the embarrassment, the begrudged respect one is forced to accord another who you don't want to appreciate or even acknowledge--it's just horrible. And for those whose identities are closely tethered to being correct--in any venue or format--almost all the time, it's even worse. I have limited experience with being wrong; it's happened a few times, although nothing immediately emerges as I search through the recesses of my memory. Just take my word for it; it's happened at least twice.

In the world of internets--especially internet message boards--admitting error is pretty much the most humbling experience possible. Actually, I can't think of anything else that tops having to type, "I was wrong," or closely related, the tacit acceptance of error, "You were right." In the real world, you could soil yourself, forget to get dressed, confer "instant classic" status on the new Kanye album, find yourself named "Dave Wannstedt"--this would all be hugely embarrassing. However, even a Kanye-loving, shit-covered, naked Dave Wannstedt could find his way onto a message board and pretend that he were known by people, kind of a big deal, the owner of many leather-bound books, and, of course, a true knowledge-flexing, research-doing, one-liner witty genius.

Most people would rather not endure the excruciating anguish of admitting error on internets where words are catalogued for eternity and anyone who backs down from an opinion is seen as the cyber equivalent of that mark-ass Eazy-E from the "Dre Day" video. Instead, venues like chat rooms and message boards host inane, thoughtless tripe the gets posted during extended moments of vainglory and unavoidable ignorance as wannabe pundits and sanctimonious types battle to claim the moral high ground and belittle each other rather than engage in a real dialogue.

The above is a long way to begin a discussion of this weekend's Michigan football game, but what else am I supposed to "say" when I check message boards on a Sunday and read threads started by dudes with names like Chris X. that say things like, "Come on guys-Where is all the fire LC and JH talk"? People who complain about criticism of the team are actually inviting it? People actually think that beating MSU was some kind of panacea for all that ails the program? You know these sorts of posts just encourage the rhetorical combatants to get another snack from the kitchen and come back to the computer ready to pound out thousands of more words with "Caps Lock" on. No one is admitting to being mistaken, and no one is tempering the severity of their words. Not when internetting.

Always above the fray (yeah, right), I will attempt to learn from my own disdain toward the behavior of others. Anyone familiar with this interweb knows that I am not a fan of Lloyd Carr's work. It should be obvious. But I also don't live in this obtuse, binary world where new information is cast aside in the name of ideological consistency and nuance is a dirty word. I also think that anyone who actively and consistently criticizes a coach needs to challenge himself to stay objective, reconsidering sacred arguments and acknowledging good performance.

To this extent, I want to sort of congratulate Lloyd Carr and his merry band of reactionary anachronisms for beating Michigan State this weekend. It may have required three absolute embarrassments last season and about seven straight years of hard lessons (not) learned, but Michigan finally found a way to limit a mobile quarterback. Drew Stanton only(?) threw for 282 yards and one touchdown (and he did complete 66% of his passes) and was shut down on the ground, gaining no yards on eight carries. Chastened by previous failure, the UM defensive line seemed committed to staying in their lanes and containing Stanton, relying on the linebackers to clean up the plays and make tackles. And always inspired by fear, the coaches called a game plan that tested the flexibility of bend-but-don't-break. That said, it was enough to get a W and perhaps instill some confidence in a unit that, at times last season, seemed like it was ready to accept a predetermined fate.

But the praise don't stop there. I also thought that Lloyd and Co. did a pretty good job managing the game: the timeout called after the Barringer interception that forced the officials to review the play was smart; the play calling on the ninety-eight-yard drive in the first quarter was measured and not scared; this staff continues to make decisions "going for it" when confronted by fourth-and-short situations. Was it a perfect game? [Whitney Houston]Aw, hell to the naw![/Whitney Houston]. Are there still multiple problems confronting this program, evident in wins and losses? I'd say yes. But regardless of my desire for a regime change, I gotta give the staff some dap. If I'm going to blame the coaches when UM loses, I need to also give them credit when it wins.

Other game notes:
- Long-lost Carr family member John Borton asserts that UM is 5-0 if Mike Hart is healthy all season. Thoughts? I would imagine that Hart could have been the difference in both games, but UM shouldn't need to lean on that excuse. Michigan has the personnel to beat ND and Wisconsin without Hart; it just doesn't have the coaching (or, at least right now, the quarterback?).

- So is the following a fair articulation of the Michigan game plan? Score some points early; get the running game going; get Henne more comfortable; play ball control in the second half? If so, I can sort of understand it, because there is some logic behind it. But at the same time, why did UM stop throwing the ball in the second half? Hart is great (team MVP fo' sheez, as the wanna-seem-hip white folk like to say), so using him is smart. But the patented UM Road Fear that governed the offense in the second half was almost crippling. After moving the ball all over the place in the first half, Michigan stopped testing MSU deep and made Chad Henne's well documented second-half struggles a self-fulfilling prophecy. The guy was much improved in the first half; show some fucking confidence in him.

- And more on the second half. Read this Lloyd Carr quotation:

"We were going into the wind in the third quarter, and I kept thinking, 'Let's just get out of this quarter. Let's just hang in there and get out of this quarter. In the fourth quarter we'll have the wind,' which I thought was significant as far as the kicking game went."

Are you kidding me?! A team with Henne, Hart, Avant, Manningham, Ecker, and Massaquoi is getting ready to forfeit an entire QUARTER to play field-position football against an offensive machine? Lloyd, WAKE THE FUCK UP! Maybe that's why, despite playing close to the best possible under this coaching staff, the team still needed to go to overtime to win. And maybe that's why UM has scored three third-quarter points season. Read that again. As my sister has said, Lloyd Carr must give horrible halftime speeches. I almost take back every nice thing I "said" before.

- Michigan needs a better strength and conditioning program. The defense could not rush the passer at all (although some of that was a trade off for assignment football) and it seemed tired at the end of the game.

- I was surprised that MSU didn't call more designed run plays for Stanton, but his importance to the Spartan offense cannot be overstated, and resultantly, an injury would be devastating.

- Michigan still has a really hard time defending the counter draw.

- In my best Lloyd speak: "Steve Breaston is a tremendous individual. He's a guy who can come in here and do some things. He's a fourth-year junior, and that means he is familiar with what we want to do and the kind of program we want to have. But there are some things he could improve upon. We'll see in practice." Translation: I love Steve Breaston--he loves UM; he works hard; and he plays hurt. You can't ask for more from a college kid. But he is far too brittle and, sadly, easily replaced (see photo above).

- Again, why doesn't Pierre Woods play more?

- Kevin Grady can fumble twice against Notre Dame and keep his playing time but Max Martin can only fumble once against Wisconsin before losing his spot? I wouldn't find this as maddening if keeping Martin out didn't strip the team of a weapon. Hart is a fantastic running back, but he is not at all fast, and the UM running games continues to be predictable since UM only runs in between the tackles with Hart. Martin adds another element to the running attack, a component of the team that generates few big plays. And about the running scheme: Given how hard it is for UM to defend the draw when other teams run it out of the shotgun, you'd think UM might consider it once in a while to give the running attack some variety or a different look.

- I'd love to see more of Antonio Bass on these trick plays. He did a nice job picking his way to a first down out of that snap he took at QB. And might UM actually have Bass throw it to Henne at some point? The talent makes you salivate.

- Poor form, State fans. I expected no couch to be safe. If you can't get into college, go to State...

Say It with Me Now:

If the guy on the right were Ron Burgundy, I think he'd say, "I immediately regret this decision."

Dave Wannstedt: ...(let it land)...(and some more)...(hooooold)...(hooooooooooooold)...Upd--not yet!...Ok...Now:

UPDATE YOUR RESUME.

(God, that felt good, didn't it?)