Blog Bickering #6

Ah yes, Saturdays...

Heismanpundit, our sometime antagonist, is hosting the latest BlogPoll Roundtable. To the questions we go...

What criteria do you use to determine if a team and its players are good?
Everything you need to know about a team can be gleaned from watching how its defense aligns itself when the opponent has the ball inside the defense's twenty yard line. Are the corners playing inside technique? Are the linemen looking to go two-gap and stunt before limiting kick-out blocks and getting up-field with a swim move or a bull rush? Have the linebackers committed to--Ha! You thought I knew what I was talking about. Suckers.

Like most people in this world, I primarily assess a team using irrefutable statistics: won-loss records. Indiana might feature running backs who cradle the ball properly and defensive linemen who use their hands really well when engaged by blockers. However, all of that technique is worthless if it doesn't translate into scoring more points than the opponent does on a given Saturday. It's just like a student in a public speaking class who can make mince meat of a scantron but can't articulate an idea to save his or her life: It's nice to be good at something, but not if it's rendered irrelevant. And generally, I deem teams that win better than those that lose.

Once I've separated the winners from the losers, I try to analyze how the winning teams win by thinking about the schemes and trying to discern whether their methods are adaptable and sustainable. Adaptable meaning: A team has great receivers who exploit man coverage down the field because of their speed, but can they get open against a zone? And sustainable meaning: A team's running back gets fifty touches per game, but can that style work if he gets worn down? It's an inexact science. The Scarlet and Grey Prison Down South wins by feigning a real running game and hoping that it catches a defense single-covering Holmes and Ginn. Does the joke of a University have a real running threat if teams leave just six in the box? Can Ginn and Holmes beat double teams? Does it matter since the inmates are great defenders? I ask those sorts of questions, although when assessing Tennessee and the Minimum Security Prison and Home for the Mentally Challenged, I also have to factor in which key players might be thrown in the hole.

Like basketball, football is also a game that can hinge on [Corky Bowden] speciality [Corky Bowden] situations, and that's when I assess coaching. Does a team run a smart two-minute drill? Does it have plays that it knows will work in crunch time? Do the receivers run three-yard patterns on third down when they need eight? Is the team quitting in the middle of the game (like Michigan did in the season finale last year in Columbus)? Do the players seem mentally prepared? And, with a team that seems especially prone to wack coaching on the road, does it know how to fucking tackle a quarterback? Play like it actually has talent on the roster? Score in the red zone?

Whoa. I'm sorry. Give me a minute while I re-bottle the anger...

If you could choose one coach to build an offensive system for your team, who would it be? Conversely, who would you choose to devise the defense? Why?
Give me Jeff Tedford. Now that Norm Chow is gone and Michigan-QB-coach-and-one-day-head-coach Scott Loeffler is still without coordinator experience, I'll take Ted. Have you watched Cal? Aaron Rodgers threw for 2,566 yards and 24 TDs while completing 66-percent of his passes last season. Meanwhile, J.J. Arrington was gaining 2018 yards (!) on seven yards per carry. The backup RB, Marshawn Lynch, gained 628 yards on 71 carries. Are you kidding me? Almost 9 yards per carry? A combined 7.4? And this wasn't a one-year thing. Check the tapes; check the numbers. Tedford is an offensive genius, and the proof is his results. Not only have his players (especially quarterbacks like Dilfer, Carr, Smith, Harrington, Boller, and Rodgers) put up great numbers on their way to the NFL, but Cal has gone 7-5, 8-6, and 10-2 since he started coaching. Pete Carroll is a great college coach in full--recruiting, staffing, x'ing and o'ing, speaking to booster clubs, hanging out with Snoop--but Tedford might be even better. And he's certainly better at coaching 'em up on offense.

(This paragraph about defense will start once I have successfully fought off the urge to make fun of Jim Herrmann.)

Ok, I--nope...
The thing about defense is--not yet...
Tackli--psssh...
Ihatejimherrmannanddon'tunderstandwhyumcan'ttackleandstillcan'tstoprunningquarterbacks

OK, I'm ready. I'm staying in the Pac-10. Give me Carroll. These picks are the chalk ones, but they're chalk because they're consistently so good. Coming into this year, everyone is salivating over Leinart, Bush, Jarrett, White, Turner, et al., but overlooked is that USC was 5th in rushing defense, 44th in passing defense, 20th in scoring defense, and 6th in total defense last season. The passing number--about 200 yards per game--seems a little high, but not when you consider that USC was usually winning and regularly stuffing the run, meaning that other teams had to pass a lot. (That might be a specious argument built on a solid foundation of conventional wisdom.) USC defenders finish tackles, pursue plays, and get into the right position to make plays. They aren't caught going the wrong way, missing an angle, or letting a tackle get broken. They also don't have to blitz a lot because the front four have consistently generated a lot of pressure. A simple, effective scheme run by fundamentally sound players works for me.

Describe your typical college football Saturday.
(N.B: Given planned trips to watch the Michigans play this season, and, resultantly, planned posts about in-person game-day behavior, I'll describe what happens when I'm not at the game itself.)

At Straight Bangin', like HBO's Real Sports, nothing is out of bounds, and we take pride in fostering an environment in which everyone is comfortable. With that in mind, I'm gonna be honest and say something about which I am a little apprehensive, so please be supportive: On a given fall Saturday, there's a lot of cursing. I mean, enough profanity to get someone sent to the ninth level of hell. Like, a motherfucking shit-ton of the foulest fucking shit you've ever heard.

I get up in time to watch College Gameday. That's a given, like Ron Burgundy being a member of the Channel Four News Team. There might be some dancing and some chirping involved as the Bubba Sparxxxxxxxxx song plays out. (As friends and family will attest, I am what some might call an enthusiast.) There's also OCD-driven counting of how many clips we see of each school during the opening montage. Though this is an unpopular opinion, I fucking LOVE Lee Corso (), so when he comes on, I stark hollering things like "CORSO!" or "Warshington! Say Warshington" at the top of my lungs. Mind you, we're still just at 10:35. The neighbors have already called about three times.

As Gameday goes on, I start placing and fielding phone calls. I call the Jigga Man and try to get something recorded on his machine before my voice gives out in the crescendoing falsetto of excitement. Schoolpiece calls to ask if Corso really just said that. Stacey might rhetorically wonder on my voicemail if Herbstreit really is such a jerk. My father surely will get on the horn and tell me all about what Trev Alberts just said. Actually, simultaneous viewing of a sports program followed by an immediate debriefing phone call is S.O.P. for my father and I. Billy Packer is such scum! What is Lloyd doing? Mark May is picking Baylor to play Stanford in the Hall of Fame Game? By pick time--you know, when Corso consigns the team he's rooting for to sure failure--I have lost my voice, pissed off my neighbors, gone through three Michigan shirts, broken a sweat, and maxed out my cell phone battery. Yes, there has been drinking. Beer only. I don't fuck with the liquor.

When Gameday ends, the anxiety begins. If Michigan is playing at 3:30, then I'll make lunch, keep drinking, and channel surf my way through the early games, all while constantly afflicted by a miniscule tinge of doubt. I'll also get mad because Michigan being on at 3:30 means I'll probably have to DVR the CBS SEC Home Depot Tim Brando Sucks Game of the Week. Come game time, I am a wreck.

Michigan We could be playing anyone and it wouldn't matter. I am always nervous before kickoff. There are, of course, degrees to which my irrationality extends. I don't worry about Eastern Michigan so much once the team comes out of the tunnel and fails to suffer an injury, like hyperextending an elbow while hitting the banner. And paradoxically, I might be my happiest at that moment, because while I'm nervous, my anxiety is overwhelmed by the elation and unadulterated joy engendered by the sight of 100-odd young men streaming forth from that tunnel; wearing those beautiful maize-and-blue uniforms; protected by that classy winged helmet; and electrified by the prospect of sixty athletic minutes spent playing football and representing the greatest university in the history of the world.

I have watched a lot of Michigan football games, and not once have I avoided feeling chills as the team jumps up and touches that M Club banner. Just writing these last two paragraphs has made me shiver. It's crazy and pathetic, but Michigan football is not just about the sport. It's also about 400,000+ people having a shared something to which they can attach all of the adoration they have for the University. Michigan is not a football school, and it's not just a university. It's the greatest school with the greatest team in all of sports, and people like me live and die with the team each Saturday not just because we want to score more points and feel good while we get wasted at The Brown Jug, but because we want to continue to feel connected to a wonderful experience.

Yuck. Enough with that genuine emotion. Now, about that profanity. Once the game starts, I am not street legal, and kids should be kept outside of a one-mile radius. From the moment the game kicks off, I am a football genius. I haven't ever made a bad play call, dropped a pass, missed a tackle, you name it. As a result, I expect the same of our coaches and players, and if they aren't meeting expectations, they hear about it. Three-yard run up the middle? Great, here comes that three-runs-and-a-punt offense. Fuck you, Lloyd. Pierre Woods misses a tackle? Well, he's a motherfucking douche bag. They scored?! You piece of shit cock suckers! Basically, I become Al Swearengen for three to four hours. I don't know if one bad play goes by without some kind of offensive language immediately behind it. Honestly, it's embarrassing, but I am just crazy. I'm learning to deal with it.

Good plays inspire elation, bad plays get the vitriol. By the end of the game, win or lose, I am exhausted. And there is drinking the whole time, much more when UM is losing. If I'm a glutton for misery, I might sign on to a Michigan message board and spend a few possessions posting a play-by-play account of my insanity. I can't believe that formation worked...Awesome call...NOOOOO!

If Michigan wins, I can go on with my life. Go out, make plans, go plans, make out, go outside for sun and air. If Michigan loses, well, it can get ugly. The drinking starts. Posting about imminent decline starts. The second-guessing persists for a year, if not longer. Talking to another human is out of the question. Staying awake is usually not likely, either. It's horrible. I'd rather not write about this.

I try to watch as much football as I can get away with. Sometimes, social life or familial obligations intrude, but otherwise, I'm watching my friends from ESPN, Michigan, someone else, and someone else, at least. I'm also rooting for Michigan, Spurrier, whichever teams need to win to help the Michigans, and whichever teams are respectively playing the prison team, Notre Dame, Nebraska, Texas, Tennessee, Penn State, Michigan State (once we've played them, because if they are already sucking, it's a sure L), Oklahoma, and Miami. One part of my routine that won't be an option any longer is listening to Mike Gottfried and Ron Franklin call a 7:45 game on ESPN. They got split up. I am NOT happy about this; they were a great tandem. I'll end a Saturday with Gamenight, SportsCenter, and Gamenight again.

Jesus, only three more days to endure!

...With a Vengeance

No slump, please

Some tidings from across the interwebs:
- Erstwhile hip-hop head and legendary fan of the British sound Jon got this one right. Not that violence is funny or a good thing (although, that becomes far less certain when Suge is the one gettin’ got), but anytime Pardon the Interruption can feature Wilbon asking Tony if he’s still gonna roll with Suge, it’s a good thing. Who said Suge didn’t contribute anything positive?

- Resolute skeptics like me can’t help but suffer the proliferation of cracks in the doomsday façade as we read articles like this one about prodigious and inebriating talent Chad Henne. (And after reading this preview, imagine what Brian’s doing right now. There probably isn’t any banquet beer left at the mead hall we call Ashley’s.) Especially intoxicating--and that, my friends, is the extension of an imagery system that should earn me a job at Bitchfork--is the praise Henne receives for quickly making his progressions and finding secondary and tertiary options. That’s the sort of assessment that gets repressed-sanguine types like me mutedly excited. While I still maintain that UM is far more likely to lose four than to lose none, the small piece of me that wants to think he’ll be in California for New Year’s is metastasizing and seizing upon the bulwark of expectation management that guards my heart. Not only does this development augur well for fewer sacks and desperation heaves in the general vicinity of Braylon Edwards, but it also means that the offense might actually feature short, darting routes meant to get the ball to shifty receivers like Breaston, Manningham, Dutch, and Bass in stride and in space.

- Did anyone else notice this on Page 2 today:

“Prepare your own weekly top 25. Why not? You have just as much legitimacy as the BCS.”

Um, does that mean that the Blog Poll is ahead of the curve or does it mean that it will also be seen as worthless? I take it as a backhanded compliment. Sort of. I think. Maybe.

- SI isn’t the only outlet that does this, so I’m not picking on it, exclusively. However, reading its preseason Heisman list reminded me: While establishing the best team is far more important than establishing the best player, why don’t more people spend more time denigrating preseason Heisman lists? Why should preseason polls get all the abuse? Just like the polls, the preseason Heisman lists set the agenda for that debate all season, and players who probably don’t earn legitimate consideration linger in the picture or on the periphery because some writers read about them a lot during July and August.

I don’t know that the Heisman means as much as it once did since every year a seemingly deserving candidate or five doesn’t get fair recognition; Heisman winners tend to suck in the NFL to an extent that would make Andy Katzenmoyer proud; and only dudes from BCS teams who play glamour positions get real consideration. But it’s probably the most recognizable award in sports and is prominent among the numerous, varied quirks that make pageantry-steeped college football all that it is. It would be nice if the award could mean something, and these lists do little to restore its significance. Instead, they reward hype.

- Don’t be ridiculous. Anyone who knows anything can tell you that “global warming” is made up by those nasty, nefarious, nescient "scienticians." I mean, those dopes believe in evolution, too. [Napoleon] Idiots! [/Napoleon] (And a quick aside: Napoleon Dynamite is a horrible movie but it is incredibly quotable. No plot, no explanation, no good. But as a collection of vignettes driven by manifest eccentricities, well, now you’re talking.)

On this one, Time gets a big, “No shit."

- Are there any HTML-savvy computo dudes or dude-ladies who read this website? If so, I’d like you to design something for me. Compensation will be me lavishing you with praise and the considerable notoriety one can gain simply through mere mention on Straight Bangin’, let alone an entire paragraph or entry. I mean, I write about Kanye West a lot and look at what he’s become. Anyway, you know those “buttons” on sites that accompany text which reads something like, “This site is best viewed with AOLscape Firefoxplorer”? I’d like one that says “This site is best read while listening to John Tesh’s “Roundball Magic.” I’d also like for the button, if clicked on, to start the song. I have the track. Just tell me what I need to do, and, as J. Peterman would say were he designing an internet about to be consumed by flames unless George Costanza does something about it, “Shout out the code, man!”

- Read this item about Britney Spears. Did she storm off because she was upset or because she had run out of clichés to spew at a thirteen-year-old? I think we should all be honest: Britney has single-handedly redefined “class act.”

- Budding butcher (he traffics in beef. Get it?) Hashim calls out XXL editor Elliott Wilson after Wilson took some shots at bloggers. He thinks Wilson was led in this direction by Hashim giving a Kris Ex-written book a bad review and then calling out Kris Ex for posting ad hominem attacks in response to the review. You can read what Wilson wrote here.

If you don’t feel compelled to sift your way through the broken English, unwarranted profanity, and hackneyed prose that comprise the usual hip-hop “journalism”--you know, that conversational style in which people leave out words; use the n-word as a universal, non-derogatory pronoun; drop rap lyrics half the time; and, ironically, incorrectly use “myriad” while trying to seem edumacated--here’s the synopsis: Bloggers want to be journalists; bloggers live with their Mother; bloggers aren’t rich; bloggers are spending all of this time writing these internets because they one day hope to get Mr. Wilson’s autograph.

All I want to “say” to Wilson is: get over yourself. Who cares about your puerile opinions and poorly written magazine? You don’t know anything about internets if you think people sit around trying to win jobs at reputable institutions of writing. (And really, XXL isn’t qualifying.) I think that blogging is about community, the same thing almost all human interaction is about. Blogging is about finding people with shared interests and engaging in an extended, free-form dialogue. It’s learning; joking; commiserating; improving; thinking; challenging. Blogging is an activity and a social endeavor unto itself; it’s not hopeless, counterfeit journalism. It’s not about playing Johnny Writer, Action Reporter; Fawning Wordsmith, Hip-Hop Journalist; or Insecure Imperator of Ignorance, XXL Editor.

I am not trying to draw some kind of line in the sandbox. There are plenty of journalists, like Del or Lynne or Chris or Bomani Jones, who blog and do it better than most. Christ, they help shape the communities of which they count themselves members. Their blogs seem like an extension of who they are and what they like.

And then there are the many who aren’t writers and are probably happy about it. Read Different Kitchen (even if he is trying to ruin my impression of Eva), Sexy-Results, Byron Crawford, Tribute to Ignorance (Unkut?), Cuban Links, Better Than Yours, Funkdigital, Mr. Kamoji, or the many others.

How about sites intended to maintain friendships, provide catharsis to the respective authors, and entertain readers? Help fill the idle hours? Or the very legitimate cyber sports bars that are cropping up and attracting knowledgeable, witty customers? Is all that jealousy-fueled wannabe-writer fantasy? What of blog-driven online publications that are eloquent and actually interesting? And let’s not even get into the new grassroots political activism that is almost entirely web driven. I can’t imagine anyone at Daily Kos wants to one day be seen as an Elisabeth Bumiller or Robert Novack.

Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but the vainglory that was construed in Elliott’s essay was galling. Mr. Wilson should stick with what he knows--perpetuating stupidity, fomenting bad taste, composing worthless essays--and leave the thinking to the bloggers he's so ready to disregard. And I don’t necessarily count myself among them; this ain't no ego trippin'.

I'm Not Mad; I'm Just Disappointed

Blogging nemesis

Is there a more dreaded expression than that? Has anyone who's ever heard that directed toward them ever felt good after hearing it? (At least, when it's come from someone about whom you care? That's a key distinction, because a teacher who I hated once told me that and I think it made me feel successful. But I digress...)

I ask because I doubt that anyone is mad that this site has been stuck in a rut for about a month, however I am sure at least three people are disappointed (me, my mother, and a friend of mine who goes to work to use an internet). This used to be a place to find new music, make fun of 50 Cent, rail against the Sports Guy, and indulge your deepest Michigan football-related anxieties. Wha' happ'ned?

Well, as I've "said," employment did. Straight Bangin' hasn't been quite right since I started my new job. There are a number of factors that have contributed to this (hopefully) temporary decline in quality. First, my new job requires more concentration and more man hours than my previous employment circumstance, rendering me more occupied and more tired every day. There aren't as many idle hours, day or night, and when there are, I usually just want to sleep or drool while I think about a January in Pasadena. I have also spent less time on internets lately, and I certainly can't update my shit while at work. Now that I am a corporation fool who enjoys his work and all that comes with the position (like, more money, lots of free lunches, explanations of how to open email, etc.), I don't want to run the risk of getting caught blogging at work and suffering a penalty. I'd never divulge a work secret--shit, I won't even "talk" about work here--or anything like that, but why invite disaster? I already do that in enough ways throughout the rest of my life.

One of those ways is coincidentally another contributing factor in the demise of the Bangin'. Last week was Bender Week. What's that? Good question. Bender Week is a now annual tradition that was conceived by my friend ALC and myself. Last year, ALC had just moved to New York and had nothing to do and nowhere to live, so by day he'd look for an apartment and by night he'd sleep on my couch. Why nothing to do? He's one of those kind-hearted, altruistic people you read about; I think they're called teachers. Anyway, what they don't tell you about these "teachers" is that during the summer, the don't do anything. Yeah, they work at camps or take classes, but they're usually waking up at noon, calling their friends to hang out at 3:30, and always available for a booze fest. They're not paid much, but with all that free time, they have nothing to complain about and no excuse to not supplement their incomes with some good old-fashioned slangin'.

Well, not content to simply throw himself into the sloth lifestyle afforded by his teaching, ALC decided that we'd go on a week-long bender. There was some junk about his birthday thrown in (and that's what compelled us and his brother to drive to Foxwoods in the middle of the night on a Tuesday(!)), and that helped persuade me, but at the end of the day, ALC coerced me into this scheme. (And by "coerced" I mean that he asked once, I said maybe; he asked again, and I gave an enthusiastic "yes!") After some lengthy discussions planning sessions last August, for a week, it was a bender: Drinking at all times; barbecue; staying up late; gambling; carousing; feats of strength; yelling; immitating Ron Burgundy at all times; doing all the bad things you shouldn't be doing but won't get arrested for; etc. Some might call it "good times." And it was.

And this year, we did it again. Last week. It was tough.

Getting wasted on the regular is the regular for some, but not me. I can drink, and I enjoy doing it (especially when the Yuengling is flowing like a mighty stream), but I am also pretty risk-averse, so Bender Week is generally a departure from the straight bangin' lifestyle. Bender Week not only saps me of my strength, but it also takes a shitload of time. Time I might have spent blogging. Does anyone know how much time and effort are required to drink, grill, and gamble from the minute you leave work until you fall asleep every night for an entire week? A three-hour tour?!

So that's what happened, really. I got a new job, and I went on a prolonged bender. But now I'm focused. Bender Week isn't happening for another year; college football has turned the corner and is coming my way; and there's a new Jim Jones album to make fun of. Things are looking up for the Bangin'.

Starting tomorrow evening, it's fucking on and poppin'. One mo gin.

Actually, let's start right now: Here's new Reverend Run. And yes, the appropriate follow up is, Does anyone actually care? I don't know; probably not. Michigan footbal grindin'--hard--tomorrow...

Run, "Mind on the Road"

Open Thread

(Insert picture of Eva Longoria in that pink bathing suit here)

I was going to write something about the absurdity that MTV calls its Video Music Awards, but keeping track of the stupidity and contrivances was like trying to count the number of times Michael Vick says "you know" in an interview. So instead, just leave some feedback with the best absurd moments. Maybe we can compile the responses and publish a book. And I think that R. Kelly's one-man psychotic break counts as one of the best worst things I've ever seen.

There will be more content posted tonight. You know, for all ten of you who still read this shit.

Randoms

The whitest man in America. Ever.

- The first BlogPoll has been posted. Straight Bangin' is proud to be the fifth-most-boring entry, having been fifth-most right. S.B. is also proud to have the lowest prescription maize-and-blue-colored glasses, and to be the least homeric inclined. Oops, I mean homer inclined. I didn't think it was any longer possible, but Brian has again outdone himself and set the bar for blogging so high that only Wyatt Sexton can reach it.

- If you were watching the rain-ruined third round of the NEC Invitational from Firestone in Akron, OH this past Saturday, raise your cyber hand. During one of the recaps that Jim Nantz and Lanny Wadkins had to escort the viewers through to kill some time in between Tim Finchem and those many ads for a company that wants to help you retire and look smug while doing it, did anyone else catch the on-air mini-meltdown that Nantz had? Did I imagine it?

During the highlights, Nantz was getting into it because, you know, he's whiter than white; his network's most unflappable sports personality; a former scholarship golfer; like me, always seduced by that rousing CBS golf music (no joke). At one point, it sounded like he was making a weather-related joke by saying that some player was "thirsting for a birdie." Before Wadkins responded to the set up with some of that generic golf analysis--like, "great shot; within six feet; hole high; and makable"--he quickly slid in a good-natured, "That was horrible, Jim." If you've been stuck in a booth with Jim Nantz for about eight hours and don't have live golf to watch, you're probably dying for a little levity. And if you're good ol' Jim Nantz, you probably should be able to take some really gentle ribbing.

Well, that's all hypothetical. In reality, Nantz seemed legitimately pissed off at Wadkins. Because it was Nantz and he probably hasn't been allowed to show an emotion since he was five-years-old, he didn't raise his voice or storm off the set like Robert Novak. What he did do, though, was go into the next highlight by saying, "Oh yeah, Lanny, can you do better? Here, call this one." And then he just stopped talking as the tape played. Wadkins was totally shocked, and he didn't say anything except for, "Ughmasdh, well, Jim..." By that point, the next clip came on and Nantz said, "No, come on, Lanny, do this one." It was the most awkward moment I've ever had. It was almost like when Ike made Tina eat the cake. Or something from The Great Santini. Now imagine if you'd actually been in that little tiki hut of a booth they erect in makeshift fashion every week. My god, it was horrible,

Does anyone else know what I'm "talking" about?

- I foresee a major overhaul of my blogroll coming this weekend, because I am ashamed to be tacitly shitting on so many great sites--like those maintained by my BlogPoll colleagues--by not listing them every second. Until then, here's some game to peep: Dangerous Logic.

- I got this from Stacey (like a week ago. Sorry. This whole job thing sucks.) I don't know what's funnier: the incident or the fact that it happened in Birmingham, MI. I guess 50 was staying at the Townsend Hotel, a place where I once met a high-as-fuck Kenny Thomas in the lobby. Nothing is gullier than getting blunted in your room and then strolling around the affluent capital of White Flight County, MI.

- Different Kitchen continues to be the baseline for hip-hop blogging. If this isn't a site y'all visit everyday, y'all need to get better at internets.

The Latest Iteration of an Endless Debate

The business-savvy people who run The New Yorker haven't made Nicholas Lemann's "Right Hook" available on any internet (imagine that--there are so many interwebs and it's not on any of them), so I can't link to it. Take my word that the following passage exists in it. While discussing Pat DeWine, son of Ohio Senator Mike DeWine and congressional aspirant, a guest, DeWine opponent Tom Brinkman, on Hugh Hewitt's radio show said:

"I have never, ever, ever voted for a tax increase in any way. I am a hundred percent for the Second Amendment, have supported that all the way. I'm totally pro-life and I'm for limited government. We had a symbolic vote for the Fourteenth Amendment in Ohio for our bicentennial....I voted against the symbolic vote because I said I'm going to send a signal against the judicial activism that has occurred in this country because of the Fourteenth Amendment."

Say Write what you will about the entirety of the quotation, but here's what I don't get: why do gun-rights advocates always neglect to consider the part of the Second Amendment that says, "A well regulated militia, being necessary for the security of a free State..." before getting to the part that reads, "...the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed"? Doesn't the first part imply that the right to keep and bear arms exists solely because of an imminent threat? And the threat was seen as, like, a country with an army. Absent that threat, doesn't the second part become obsolete, or at least infringe-able? I am not trying to marginalize terrorist attacks, but those, by definition, are unpredictable. And I am not trying to be an asshole. I really don't understand the burning desire to have a gun. Nor do I understand the interpretation of the Constitution that would allow for firearm proliferation.

He Cold Cocked Him, Tom. Ooh, Sheen!

Honorary Buckeye Lawrence Phillips. His last positive contribution to the world involved evading pursuit. Fitting.

Somewhere, Mike Tyson's thunder was definitively stolen. The proud football tradition of Nebraska can now also count spawning the craziest athlete in the last quarter century among its many accomplishments. Nice.

Tangentially related: Have people seen that Nationwide commercial in which a purported NFL Draft opens with a wide receiver from Nebraska being selected number one? It's the functional equivalent of George Bush wearing a wave cap while tooling around in Crawford.

Michigan Football Open Thread

Charles Stewart, still learning the Jim Herrmann 10,000-page playbook.

This is kind of a cop-out post, but indulge me nonetheless. As many who read this site or other Michigan sports blogs likely know, Michigan football is entering the season with a ton of questions at linebacker and defensive back. Starting linebackers from last season--Lawrence Reid, Scott McClintock, and Roy Manning--are no longer starting: Reid suffered a career-ending injury; McClintock has been overtaken by more talented players; and Manning is playing well for the Green Bay Packers. Starting defensive backs from last season--Marlin Jackson, Markus Curry, Ernest Shazor, and Ryan Mundy--are no longer starting: Jackson is playing for the Colts; Curry is playing for the Chargers (unless he's been cut); Shazor is fucking up his life; and Mundy is hurt (and, to be honest, he doesn't do much when he's in a game, anyway, rendering the definition of "starting" flexible).

Here are two things I know to be mostly true. One, most "football schools" produce top-shelf players at certain positions and are always able to, for lack of a better term, plug and play. Michigan is always putting an NFL-caliber quarterback on the field. USC has defensive linemen for Sundays. The next 4.2-running FSU receiver who isn't drafted will be the first. Two, most "football schools" are football schools because they attract the talent and develop the players necessary to consistently win. When Dan Morgan leaves, Miami has capable replacements prepared to play linebacker. Mike Williams can leave Texas, but the Longhorns still produce a top-notch offensive line. In general, players leave and get replaced by or get overtaken by others, and the best teams suffer relatively little drop off.

But that's not the case this year at Michigan. Early reports from practice say that Prescott Burgess still doesn't full understand how to do his job. Chris Graham is still over-running plays. Leon Hall can be beaten deep; CBs like Morgan Trent and Charles Stewart are gifted athletes who don't really understand coverages; and the safeties are just not ready--some mentally, some physically.

So, here's the question: Does Michigan adequately develop its defensive talent? Are the coaches and system in place so that abilities are maximized and the system is taught well? How can a team that claims it plays for the biggest prizes (a claim I find dubious as, year after year, we only hear about playing in the Rose Bowl, even when it's not hosting the most important game of the year) be so thoroughly unprepared for a season? Five, and maybe six, defensive starters will have little experience and little idea of what they're supposed to be doing. Admittedly, I am generalizing and there are plenty of examples that might be trotted out to prove that I'm overreacting in my concern. I mean, has the Ohio State joke of a University had a real running back in couple of years? Hasn't the Oklahoma pass defense become more porous since the halcyon Roy Williams days? I recognize one can find examples to the contrary. But still, the Michigan back seven seems severely unprepared, and I wonder if that owes, in part, to incompetence.

Please, give me some input on this.

What the Shit?!?!?!?! Update: LaMarr Woodley, by all accounts, has been unreal in practice. Like, light-bulb-on, gone-after-three-years good. And so of course...he will still be playing LB sometimes. Same with born pass rusher Tim Jamison. Who, of course, is struggling with his pursuit angles. Hello?! PLAY HIM AT DE AND STOP WITH THE BULLSHIT. I'd say that my mind is 90% made up that this disappoints me, but I'll give the 3-4 another look in the coming weeks before I add it to my list of things Michigan needs to dump. (You know, along with Jim Herrmann, that stupid wave that students care more about than the game they're watching, and Magic Wok.)

Like the Bad Boy Street Team

Here's the new Kanye West album:

Curtis Mayfield, "Move on up"

Well, it's not just Curtis Mayfield for seventy minutes, but it would have been better if it were.

A long time ago, I noted that I didn't ever want to review records by listing the tracks and discussing each one individually because that's not a style that's conducive to narrative flow or some fun writing techniques and, to be honest, none of the professional writers were doing that. But since I'm pretty certain at this point that most--though surely not all--professional music critics are fairly out of touch with reality and mostly write to impress themselves and pretend that their occupation necessarily makes them cooler than most, I'm done adhering to any norms that the music-writer intelligentsia has created. Have fun ruining taste and perpetuating wack trends. I'm getting all Bol in this bitch:

1) Wake Up, Mr. West - One of the great tragedies in contemporary hip-hip is that no one makes albums--well-sequenced, cohesive, narrative-arc-having records. The Listening was so good, in part, because it was absorbing from beginning to end and was a record in its entirety. I give Kanye some dap for trying to make whole records, not just collections of songs. It's just too bad that he's convinced himself that going to college is for idiots. Yes, no one smart or successful has ever gone to college, but still...

2) Heard 'Em Say - Another of those great tragedies is that because hip-hip is now so mainstream, and because so many people are trying to find room under the tent, it's a genre that is condescended to by nearly every musician. Hey, hip-hop's cool; I'm cool; and I'm totally gonna make a hip-hop record. Well guess what: no, you're not. And fuck you for thinking you can. High-pitched whining has no place in hip-hop, so Mr. Levine, find something else to ruin. Thanks. This Mr. Rogers-theme-sounding track has a lot of layers, and that intricacy often enhances a song, but this one sounds like bullshit that Jon Brion cooked up while trying to be different for different's sake. I mean, are we supposed to take this song seriously? It's like a lullaby, mellow and boring, save for the final twenty-six seconds when it starts sounding like "Sweet Caroline" could break out. That would have been better. So far, Jon Brion-as-hip-hop-producer is getting a thumbs down.

3) Touch the Sky - This track is the ultimate validation of Kanye West. He has always wanted to be seen as a rapper, not just a producer, and with this one he succeeded--because it's the best beat on this record, and he didn't make it. Zing! I think that Kanye's flow on this song is pretty tight, and he's always at his best when spitting punch lines and those matter-of-fact asides. Lupe Fiasco flows nicely, as well. The only reason that this track would lose points is that it's almost a straight beat jack, with minimal reworking. But honestly, who gives a shit? This is a perfect soul sample. Just Blaaaaaze.

4) Gold Digger - I am still unsure about Jamie Foxx's apparent choice to actually pretend he's Ray Charles at all times, but regardless, I like this track, too. This is a track that sounds more likely to have been on College Dropout than this pretentious, symphonic album, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Even the patent lyrics recycling doesn't bother me too much. At least, not when the synth and drums bump like this.

5) Skit #1 - Ha ha, those stupid college students. They don't own cars and probably won't ever be able to do cool shit like hang out with John Mayer...

6) Drive Slow - This song is the one that will have the internets going the most nuts. Why? Well, it's Kanye; it's got some lonely horn riff that screams "Jon Brion jazz influence" and you gotta pretend like he's awesome; it slows down at the end like the track just drank some NyQuil; and it's got the people's champ, The Rock Paul Wall. I actually like the steady, understated piano notes. They give this track a 'Watcher" feel. I even thought that Dr. Dre spit the second verse since it's all about cars and women, but then I remembered that it was Paul Wall, and that's mostly all those Houston dudes have to say. Not a terrible track, but really nothing too exciting, either.

7) My Way Home - More dap for sequencing. By "screwing" the end of "Drive Slow," this one begins seamlessly and is set up really well. Hate on Common if you want (and yes, this is a fairly pedestrian verse since I think it was cut and pasted together from everything else he's ever said), but the dude has a great ethos, and the melancholy sample is perfect for him. Should we be concerned that the two best beats on this record so far are simple samples? Man that Jon Brion; thank god he's involved.

8) Crack Music - "...invested in that/it's like we got Merrill Lynched." If you're gonna knock Kanye when he spits about dropping out of school and picking up girls, you should also give him credit when he tries to say something of substance. Yeah, it's not a new message--crack has ravaged black communities--but I have no problem with a persistent problem being discussed. I only wish that the rhymes and message were a little more sophisticated. A listener knows everything about this track before it really gets going. And why is Game on this? Does his aggressive baritone really do much for the chorus? Couldn't GLC have done the same thing for a lot cheaper? And by the way, I think we've now had a Miri Ben-Ari sighting. And Malik Yusef. The whole Israeli/Chi gang's here! (P.S. This is the worst song on the album. Worse than that emo shit with that white dude who wears tight shirts and moans.)

9) Roses - John Legend, check. (Or is this Tony Williams? Liner notes, please.) I think that the theme from Scarface would have worked on this track, too. And it would have made things a little more interesting. A mournful Kanye reflects on his grandmother. I think that the rhymes are pretty mediocre, but I do like the swelling choruses. Couldn't we have had more Legend (if it's him)?

10) Bring Me Down - Wasn't "Bring Me Down" a song from the last record? I find this to be an orchestral track the actually works because the instrumentation and layering actually enhance the product and don't seem forced, don't seem like someone's saying "see, this can be hip-hop, too." The vocal content is eh as Kanye spits one verse and Brandy just does her usual thing, but the melodies and actual music are fine. Actually, this might get stale as I listen to this more and more. So remember this praise while it's still applicable.

11) Addiction - This sounds like something from one of those remix records that an overhyped producer makes to earn some renegade hip-hop stripes. I mean, this could easily be appended to the end of The Gray Album or something equally unimpressive and frivolous. Kanye's verses sound fine over an urgent tempo, though, so, paradoxically, I wish an actual hip-hip producer would remix this so we could hear it in a musical context that better suits the flow.

12) Skit #2 - ...and they probably won't even be able to go to Jacob's since you can't use a degree to get a jesus piece or a watch...

13) Diamonds from Sierra Leone (Remix) - See here.

14) We Major - Playing the parts of both Stevie Wonder and Philip Bailey tonight, John Legend Tony Williams. (What? Did they break up?) I mean, come on. Nas doesn't do much for me on this track, and it was almost a waste to put him on a beat that is so overpowering. He probably stepped in the booth, heard the track, and couldn't really concentrate, so he just did whatever so he could go back home and help Kelis dye her hair six different colors. Shit, he even admits it. I bet that this song will be performed at the Grammy's with Stevie Wonder and Earth, Wind, & Fire. (And, of course, John Mayer, Adam Levine, and Los Lonely Boys.) It sounds like it has that potential. I actually like this song, although it's kind of a disjointed mess. That might be what I like about it, though; it's brimming with unfocused creativity. Like a sonic hallucination.

(Also, this better not be held up as some Jon Brion brilliance. Anyone who owns an R&B record from the 70s could have thought of this. It's really good--and you can't beat nostalgia--but it's derivative.)

15) Skit #3 - ...and you know they won't get to wear Polo all the time...

16) Hey Mama - I heard this song about two years ago. It's still not too good.

17) Celebration - If you hadn't been able to tell yet, this record is melodic on a ho nother lev'l. That characteristic engenders some ambivalence, though. Late Registration does not have the same character and energy of College Dropout. That record, though hardly filled with sparse beats, felt a lot more natural, amiable, and low key. Kanye was showing you what he could do as an MC, and he had some of his own beats to help him do it. When he rhymed, it felt like he was speaking to you as a friend. A funny, crass, and hungry friend, but a friend. With Late Registration, Kanye comes back like the media star that he is and simply shows off his big budget and polished sound. It's good, both subjectively and superficially. But it also feels empty, like Kanye pimped himself. That's the major shortcoming of this album; it doesn't have any real endearing personality. It's overproduced; almost too refined. There's no grime; no imperfection. Really, it needs a little Jay Dilla.

18) Skit #4 - ...and they definitely won't get to be on TRL.

19) Gone - Is Jamie Foxx singing in the background again? Regardless, this is one of the best tracks on the record, and not coincidentally, it sounds like something Big Bank Kanye could have made years ago, before he was living in L.A. and hanging out with a bunch of dudes who think hip-hop is something cute. Cam'ron, at this point, is pretty much always gonna do him, so if that's your thing, you'll enjoy his verse. I am conflicted about the Dips, but I can't front. I generally like them.

20) Diamonds (from Sierra Leone) - Didn't this song used to just be called "Diamonds"? It's good but not great. Been there, done that.

21) Late (Hidden Track) - Why even call a listed track "hidden"? Rappers are so stupid sometimes. The beat sounds like something an amateur would make to take advantage of this whole chipmunk soul sound. Lame. Alright, I was totally wrong on this track. It grows and grows on me. Oops.

In hip-hop, you can set your watch to the sophomore slump. No one's second album is ever as good as the first (except for De La Soul, Tribe, and a few others). And even if it is (like, say, Supreme Clientele) it usually gets knocked anyway. Well, Kanye's second album is not nearly as good as his first. Sure, it's more refined. And it will probably make music critics piss themselves while they fight each other for a chance to write absurd, grandiloquent pronouncements like "With soaring, regal beats and a triumphant aesthetic...." But his rhyming is only decent at best; some tracks, like "Addictive" suffer from Tipping Point syndrome (different for the sake of it); and others, like "Heard 'Em Say," are just horrible. (Phrenology remains the best of the recent attempts to "move the genre forward" or whatever self-absorbed explanation artists give when they do something risky and stupid.)

The celebrated collaboration with supposed genius (and actual mere human) Jon Brion seems to have a minimally positive impact on the music. The intense orchestration and riskier arrangements are hit and miss, and I don't know that Kanye really needed so much help. I actually think that he'd had this in him but needed to work with a reputed white dude to avoid criticism from the gully set. But that is probably a whole different discussion. Brion's best work, to me, still came as a member of 'Til Tuesday.

Really, this is a pop record made by rappers. There is a decidedly absent hip-hip element to this record. I often fall into the trap of unfairly categorizing music; why is it even that important? All I can say is that if it weren't important, Justin Timberlake could be a great MC. There are just certain compositional styles that work for certain artists, and these styles, though flexible, lose some of what makes them great if they're fucked with too much. The lyrics on this record will be far less memorable than those from College Dropout, in part, because the increased instrumentation and drift toward popdom obscure them, and that's not really hip-hop. At least, not to me. Great beats are important, but the greatest of beats--even contemporary bangers like "Grindin'"--earn such high regard because while the carry the rhythm and melody, they also showcase the MC. That's not the case on this soulless album.

Blog Poll: Ballot #1

Well, in case you hadn't noticed, a large portion of the summer has gone missing, not to be seen again until next year. For someone who spends hours of his life figuring out which shorts and sneakers he should wear in tandem when the weather accommodates such fashions, this development is troubling. Pretty soon, it will be back to too many layers, too much bundling up, and too little sunlight. But it's not all bad. As summer winds down, football appears on the horizon, exciting in its mere appearance yet frustrating in its persistent distance. Really, it's looking like a desert oasis that's perpetually out of reach. But in seventeen days (!), it's on.

I don't know that I had the best summer. I didn't take a vacation. I didn't find that ever elusive girlfriend. God, that witty intelligent designer that he is, didn't grant me my wish and vanquish all open-toed shoes. My best friend was away. And I didn't even get to barbecue as much as I would have liked to. Instead, I worked, I watched Bobby and Whitney (ok, so that's been excellent), and I familiarized myself with tons of internets for tons of time. Kind of pathetic if you ask me.

It was not all an endeavor of futility, though. No. Rather, much was accomplished, and most notable was probably my collaboration with a confederation of college-football zealots that is now the Blog Poll. Started by interweb legend Brian of the consistently incredible mgoblog, the Blog Poll was an inspired idea, and now, it's finally upon us. You thought that we were writing all those diatribes to pass the time? Fall back, dun. This shit is serious.

So below, please find my inaugural Blog Poll ballot. I'll be composing one each week during the season. And before we get to it, I'd just make a few points:

1) Fuck the schedules. I am not ranking who has the easiest road to Pasadena, so don't respond with shit like "How can you have Purdue so low?! It doesn't play Michigan or The Idiots and Inmates University of Ballot Impropriety."
2) Fuck last year. I don't think that polling is a continuum with continuity from year to year. Auburn didn't lose last year and finished ranked second, you say? Great. How did it do in the draft? Oh, it lost its entire starting backfield, you say? Well, that's why it's not in the top five. Show me something.
3) Fuck the rosters. Well, not fully. Talent is an important component in the formula for success in college football, but so are coaching, preparation, and intangibles like emotion, confidence, and experience. Michigan might have as much talent as any team not from L.A. (not so fast, UCLA), or maybe Baton Rouge, but it also has Lloyd Carr and a defensive coordinator still trying to stop that Chunky Soup guy from Syracuse. That matters when a nighttime road opener presents a team with oh so many of the usual excuses for a loss. So please, none of those "Suchandsuchteam has such better personnel than soandsoteam." That might be true, but recruiting rankings don't guarantee wins. Nor are retroactive national titles awarded after each spring's NFL draft.

Instead, I am just trying to answer one question: Head to head and playing on Jupiter in a stadium simulating Earth conditions, who wins? (And by the way, notice that some teams that generally play solid, 4-3 Cover-2 defense in which the d-line stays in lanes and applies pressure--Miami, tOSjoaU, Iowa--while the LBs make easy reads and sure tackles are fairly high on this list.)

1) Southern Cal - The backfield and WRs are known commodities that are the envy of every team in the nation. The defense is well coached and chockablock with speed and athleticism.
2) Tennessee - 16 returning starters include a precise and gritty QB, a workhorse RB, and three aggressive defensive linemen. This team tends to struggle with expectations, though.
3) Texas - Did anyone else read about Vince Young in last week's Sports Illustrated? Have you seen him play? The dude won't let this team lose when it shouldn't.
4) LSU - Miles has put together a great staff that should find success with that overflowing cupboard. JaMarcus Russell has to get his mind right; Perrilloux is not the answer this year.
5) Miami - Wasn't Kyle Wright an Elite 11 QB, like, ten years ago? I think that Charlie Jones is underrated, I love Lance Leggett, the defense has ten returners, and Hester just ran one back.
6) tOSjoaU - The Fuckeyes, and Smith, will surprise people this year with a smart, spread offense that gets the ball to Ginn and Holmes in space. The defense is awesomely fundamental.
7) Virginia Tech - So long as Ron New Mexico plays like the Old(er) Mexico, the offense should be pretty good. And you know that the defense will be dominant.
8) Iowa - So long as yours isn't named Stoops, Iowa's coach is always gonna be better than yours. Tate is the most dangerous QB in the Big Ten; the running game will improve; and those LBs!
9) Louisville - The offensive line, Michael Bush, and Brian Brohm will be excellent. Bobby Petrino is still there (for now). The defense is up and down but is generally adequate.
10) Georgia - Coach Mark Billick has done nothing but win since arriving in Athens. This year, the stars are gone, but eight of nine line starters--O and D--are back to win the trench battles.
11) Florida - I think everyone has Florida ranked here. At least, that's how it seems. Meyer's offense will probably work. Will the Gators play consistent defense?
12) Oklahoma - No more White, Bradley, or Clayton. That's a lot of questions on offense, even if the Sooners have the best RB since Marshall Faulk. Good thing they also have Stoops.
13) Michigan - Unsettled o-line; tons of pressure on a d-line that has not been anything special in years; brand new LBs; and a coach who can't spell his first name without three Ls. Prove me wrong. Please. At this point, I'm begging.
14) Texas A&M - 20 returning starters. Read that again.
15) Purdue - Entire defense, already stout, comes back. Brandon Kirsch should fit into the spread offense well, and this is ALWAYS an underrated running team. Is this finally the year?
16) Auburn - They'll lose this year, but they remind me of Georgia a little: No longer obscured by the shimmer of some stars, "no-names" and a good coach will keep the program strong.
17) Florida State - It would be nice if the starting QB weren't going to be a redshirt freshman. And if Jeff Bowden would stop playing "How Far Can Nepotism Take Me?"
18) California - Jeff Tedford is the Mike Shanahan of QB coaches: Give him anyone and he's gonna work out. I wonder if DeSean Jackson will ever leap into the...two-yard-line again?
19) Boise State - Does ranking them in the top 20 mean I believe in them, or does having them low mean that I'm still a skeptic? This year will be the year to win over the remaining doubters.
20) Arizona State - It seems like every few years, we're told that ASU is gonna be a Pac-10 sleeper. And then the Sun Devils refuse to play defense. We'll see...
21) Pittsburgh - I was one of Wannstedt's big critics when he was starring as one of the NFL's greatest retreads, but I think he could find success in the college game. And he has some guys.
22) Texas Tech - Beat a high-profile team in a bowl game. Building block or aberration?
23) Bowling Green - I love teams like this, ones led by great talents who hustle and believe in themselves. Omar Jacobs is so cool.
24) North Carolina State - A team that is proverbially flying below the radar. That defense could win some games if the offense even exists.
25) Fresno State - Paul Pinegar is still in college?

I Am Still Literate

I am going to consume ANYTHING with that illustration on it--albums, video games, cartoons, dog food. What-the-fuck-ever.

All over the place:
- My post from the weekend detailing my objection to the now infamous-on-the-internets Vibe list may have been born of some questionable judgment (like, why help steer blogging toward rapping and cause trouble just because?), but I begin to feel better and better about it as the ensuing discussion turns toward the (rightfully) ongoing examination of the hip-hop bloggerwebnets. I would encourage more opinions to be shared, as the dialogue can be helpful.

But I also need to draw a line and, as Sy Tolliver would sort of say, here's where I'm makin' my stand. I am not getting involved in the Kris Ex vs. Hashim Broadband Beatdown. Pretend internets gang that takes a tongue-in-cheek swipe at the gully set? Cool. Playing interweb gangster? Not really. Actually, hold up. I do want to say just ONE thing, and it has no external application; it is a self-contained comment with no normative implications to be inferred: calling people gay and trying to really mean it as though it's some major insult is weak, tired, idiotic, and any other word you want to use to call something out. (And I am not calling out lemon-red.) Even writing and saying "no homo" is pretty dumb, and I'm guilty of it. Even if it's "just" a joke meant to lampoon such an absurd practice.

- It's almost football season, and I think that the Lord is testing me. He knows that I can't play internets while I'm at work. And he knows that I have less free time than I used to. But still, he tempts me by putting obsessions in my mind. How am I supposed to be a functioning person when I keel over ever ten minutes, gripped by the overwhelming cocktail of anxiety, excitement, dread, and exhilaration? Can't we kick off already? Can't it be September 25th already so that Michigan can have survived--*gasp!*--a road opener. At night! I'm careening out of control. I feel like Whitney Houston on a family vacation to Colombia.

- Good. Good. Good. We need more of this. The media needs to call itself out and mean it. Once we're done ripping the Plame saga to shreds, let's move on to condescending, mean-spirited, wasteful journalism like this piece of derogatory garbage that the Washington Post published today. What was the point of this article? Can we expect a follow up on Rick Santorum? Or, even better, an explanation of someone's policy position on something? Start holding your breath now and I'll pay for your funeral.

- If you're a Republican, and you want to be the mayor of Detroit, you might want to consider another line of work.

- I'm ambivalent about this impending spectacle. If NASCAR really is so popular (I wouldn't know because I'd rather wash my face with molten steel than watch a bunch of idiots making a left turn for hours) and can avoid the interest roll off that has plagued other sports, it would be a nice thing to capture new fans so that writers would shut up about the NBA's declining ratings and lagging appeal. But at the same time, I don't know that I want the NBA associating with something so boring and lame. I mean, we're already forced to deal with WNBA-based cross promotion. I can only have nightmares about the guest "color" commentary we'll be forced to endure if this collaboration catches on. Is anyone gonna care about which NBA team Dale Earnhardt likes the best?

Three brief New York-related items:
1) Does the sidewalk culture in New York so thoroughly deviate from norms elsewhere that every tourist in Times Square must start and stop all the time? It's impossible to walk there because every ten second, someone with a fanny pack is doing something annoying--stopping for no reason; milling around in a circle; petting a cop's horse; dropping to a knee and taking a photograph of a manhole cover. WTF?

2) Is there any behavior that will earn an adult the dismissive rebuke "Quit being a baby" any faster than covering one's ears as those mean, nasty express trains go rumbling through the subway station? Boo hoo.

3) Women, this is not a good look:



Sorry for the blurry photo. Trying to keep your balance on the subway while holding a magazine, iPod, and camera phone as the train is stopping can lead to bush-league photography. If you can't tell, that's a grown-ass woman wearing flip-flops with a pants suit. On a Monday. *shakes his head and rolls his eyes while breathlessly muttering* Open-toed shoes...

Shaq says: "Freeze. Music, please..."
- C.L. Smooth, "Warm Outside" (prod. by Heatmakerz) (buy)
- C.L. Smooth, "I Can't Help It"

"Warm Outside" is a perfectly-timed single: it oozes romantic summertime reflection, a sadly appropriate mindset as August quickly turns into September. C.L. sounds pretty good over this not-really-Heatmakerz-sounding Heatmakerz beat. "I Can't Help It" is more my style, though. A soulful horn loop; those perspective-steeped C.L. words; and an overall beat that seems to caress C.L.'s authoritative flow. This track makes you want to get up and do something, anything.

Thank God This Has Only Happened Twice

There needs to be drug testing on the PGA Tour. He HAS to be on amphetamines. Get that fucking smile off his face. Jesus Christ, am I the only one who is creeped out by this dude and his vacant grin? If he weren't rich and waspy and sent from central casting with that all-american routine, he'd be a prime candidate for an E! True Hollywood Story about that one pudgy guy from down the block who buried people in his backyard.

Maybe I'm just a hater, but here's what was most impressive to me about the whole tournament: Tiger Woods made the cut on the number and would have forced a playoff had he not left two birdies on the course at the end of Saturday. Or had he played like a real person on Thursday. Or had he done anything on the par-5s (he was just -1). I might be more impressed by this weekend than anything he did in Scotland.

Tony Kornheiser, OG

Get 'em...get 'em...get 'em...

WHERE'S TONY?

Where Was the Mindset?

According to the Mindset's version of Tony Soprano, Bol, these are the greatest, superest, most splendiferous hip-hop sites on internets across the globe, as listed by Vibe:

- Chantelle Fiddy's World of Grime
- Cocaine Blunts
- Government Names
- Hip-Hop Music
- Houston So Real
- Lynne D Johnson

Or, as I refer to them:

- Motherfucker, who?
- (I'm Scrappy on this one; I ain't got no problems with this)
- Shit I mostly don't care about
- News coverage
- An entire "movement" that the world won't miss
- Women and hip-hop and blogging

So let's see: That's one site I really like; two sites I read but can't say I really get excited about (nhjic); and three sites that are just not at all appealing. Who is Chantelle Fiddy, anyway? And I don't mean that in no Mike Jones kind of way. I especially object to Fiddy's site's inclusion. Who fucking cares about grime music? Just like Hustle & Flow or OutKast wearing Brooks Brothers, grime is something that journalists and people whose identities are dependent upon feeling as though they are hipper and more perceptive than others have glorified because it's different. Not necessarily better than anything, or even all that entertaining, but different. Funk dat. Like, for real. Like, Sagat style.

The real question is this: What, no one from Bitchfork? But those guys are so down.

With increasing regularity, I hear tales from friends about companies, organizations, and twenty-somethings that/who have absolutely no idea about what a blog is or "how they work." (Yeah, you just wind 'em up and they create buzz.) I have no fewer than three friends who didn't even know the word "blog." And I also read reports which claim that only two percent of households contain people who use syndicated site feeds. If so few people really know what blogs are and read them with such irregularity, those same people shouldn't be making bullshit lists.

And no, I'm not mad that this site didn't make it. It doesn't deserve it. The music criticism is not at all sophisticated. No agendas are being set. Only some new music is being discovered, and it's not from people you haven't heard of. I could go on, but my point is that this is not about me. This about incredible sites that are smart, funny, perceptive, educational, and genuine getting the shaft (nh) because writers are their own little community and they only like to write about each other or do what someone else has said or thinks is cool. Why is the New York Times wasting bandwidth with Kelefa Sanneh extolling the virtues of Young Jeezy? Because Jeezy has some buzz? Find something interesting to say or write about. And stop listing shit you don't know. I'm not releasing my list of the best theorems in physics next week. Well, not unless some hipster tells me the best ones.

Mindset, baby, Mindset!

Better Than Yours, Better Than Ever

Aw shitty, your boy's doin' his best Cassidy impression. Wait. Check that. I'm a hust-l-uh, not a murd-a-uh.



- Al Green, "Simply Beautiful"
Simply awesome. That should be the alternate title. The agonizing pace; the timid melody; the consistent swelling of emotion; the waivering vocals; the world weary tone of an experienced romantic. Just an incredible track. Sing it, Rev!

And here's what it's become (no Latifah):



- David Banner, "My Gun"
"If you think a n***a p*ssy, gaw an' check a n***a's nuts" is not what I'd call beautiful poetry, but it's pretty funny. The rhyming is fairly simply and the beat is an understated loop, but it works because DB has so much charisma. I don't really "do" his sound, so I can't front like I am a big David Banner fan, but I can listen to this track because he has great energy and the dude is playing his character. I mean, he has a fucking master's degree from Southern University.

And the song would be way better if it had that one woman come on the track at the inception and do her "Dav-Dav-Davi-Davi-David-David Banner" routine. You know, the one where you can't tell if she's trying to get her mixtape DJ on, her G-Unit on, or just drop the dude's name.



- Talib Kweli, "Good to You"
A more complicated, layered beat with a chopped melody and chipmunked Al Green. This was from back before Kanye was huge; when he was just a name whose work people appreciated. As usual, Talib slices his way through the track with lyrical swords, dismissing the trite ignorance embraced by far too many of the gully set. It's hard to evaluate some of Talib's rhymes because so much of his material gets recycled, in message if not verbatim. But that said, it's not like conditions and education--received from school or the world--are getting better, so I can't really fault dude for always calling out the failings of our society. And he spits some amusing punch lines.

You know the drill. What you got?

Reports of My Demise...

...whatever. Y'all know the rest.

As I've mentioned before, I have a new job, and it prevents me from doing my best blogging. A normal person probably wouldn't have encountered this problem in such pronounced fashion, but I'm no normal person. Rather, I am incapable of falling asleep at a regular hour (say, 11:30?) and am equally incapable of making good choices (like deciding to read less or watch less television). Working in concert with a de facto requirement that I arrive at my desk by 8 AM, a corporate culture that doesn't look kindly on the unkempt look, and the economic reality that dictates that I bring my lunch from home, this detrimental cocktail of too little sleep and too little impulse control that I call my lifestyle has left me tired and cranky and oftentimes without the power to write clearly with humor and insight (assuming I could do that before). But still, I updated on Monday and Tuesday and am writing now, so step the fuck off.

While I've been "gone" some interesting things have happened in blog land, and I'd like to focus on the college football universe. This column by Stewart Mandel got some of my Michigan-blogging colleagues a little worked up. While Brent and Brian reasonably argued that Mandel was wrong for legitimate reasons, Vijay took things to a ho nother level by ripping Mandel to shreds. As anyone who knows me might know, I think Stewart Mandel is one of the worst "journalists" writing for a mainstream publication. (It's especially painful that he writes for a magazine I love, Sports Illustrated.) He is often illogical, lazy, and self-absorbed, all of which make his theoretically authoritative style intolerable and absurd. I wouldn't ask him to recommend a sandwich let alone pick a football game. He knows nothing more than the average casual fan, and that is a horrible indictment of someone who is covering an entire sport with all of his time while getting paid by a credible writing institution. What a pathetic "journalist."

Sadly, though, I have to agree with Mandel on this one. Not for his reasoning, though. (And I can barely type right now; it hurts having to acknowledge anything good about that man.) As Vijay points out, Mandel dwells upon unresearched and mostly unconsidered accepted wisdom (yes, Ernest Shazor is gone, but is that such a bad thing if he phoned it in after the Purdue game?) while also betraying any notion that he's intelligent by approaching polling with one of the worst systems of reason I have ever read. Polls should not be seen as predictive--that is, on a weekly basis, voters shouldn't be answering the question, "In which order will the teams finish?" Rather, a poll should answer the question, "Relative to the competition, which is the best college football team?" That is a fluid, subjective evaluation that can and will change. I can live with that. Mandel should work on understanding that.

But I did not come here to write bad things about Stewart Mandel. (At least, no more bad things.) I came here to...argh...you...can...do...it...agree with him. Sort of. I think that Mandel's primary point--one, it should be pointed out, he didn't really have the balls to write explicitly--was that Michigan always benefits from overestimation throughout the college football universe. And he's right. Flat out: Michigan football does not achieve that which it should given its history, prestige, marketing, resources, facilities, and most important, talent. Argue all you want about recruiting rankings, but more often than not, the schools that attract the highest-rated recruits are the ones that win the most games, and Michigan has more than a fair share of the "best" high-school kids. However, Michigan does not consistently win in outstanding fashion, and it suffers as a result. At least, it should.

In a time when news coverage (and that includes sports) is asked to make money and trump the competition, perspective is sacrificed in the linked names of ratings and revenue. Instant "insight" is not only expected but demanded. And it has to be delivered at a high volume, too, because that theoretically conveys expertise and unassailable thinking. As a result, commentators, journalists, and resultantly, fans only use a relatively brief time frame when assessing continuity and success. This mode of thinking filters down to recruits, too. What have you done (for me or otherwise) lately? That's the key, like it or not.

What has Michigan done lately? To start, it has successfully avoided contending for a national title since 1997. Here's more: In 2004 (three losses), it lost to a should-have-been-overmatched, mostly pathetic Notre Dame team (because of coaching); it struggled at home to beat a bad San Diego State team; it allowed Michigan State to rush for almost 400 yards and nearly lost at home to the walking, 85-man epitome of mediocrity; it lost to its controversy-plagued chief rival for the third time in four years; and it was embarrassed by Vince Young in the Rose Bowl. In 2003 (three losses), it lost to a should-have-been-overmatched, mostly mediocre Oregon team (because of coaching); it couldn't even execute a punt (hello, coaching) and lost to a should-have-been-overmatched Iowa team; and it was embarrassed by USC in the Rose Bowl. In 2002 (three losses), It lost to a should-have-been-overmatched, decent Notre Dame team (because of coaching and officiating); it struggled at home to beat a mediocre Utah team; and it was embarrassed at home by Iowa. Should I go on?

Michigan simply does not win big or convincingly, and it suffers too many relative setbacks to continue to command so much respect in the media. Sure, it's the greatest or second-greatest program of all time, but in the last five years, it's been clearly surpassed, in style and substance, by the contemporary elite: Oklahoma, USC, Miami, Ohio State. Vijay can post all of the statistics that he wants; they're valid and they tell an objective, rational story. But the media, recruits, and fans beyond the maize and blue curtain don't necessarily care. They care about blowouts; access to practices; colorful figures; adventurous and aggressive play calling for 60 minutes; national title contention. Michigan falls woefully short when measured against these modern-day, Internet-era standards. Would any other team with a coach who can't avoid losing three times a year, a defense that is consistently mediocre to bad, an all-new LB corps, a mostly new DB corps, a missing Biletnikoff winner, and no established center be ranked in the top five? I challenge anyone to name one.

Michigan gets undue respect from the media. Anecdotally and subjectively, this is clear to me. No team that has been so consistently good but never great is ever ranked as high as UM. And when you can't back it up on the field (it would be nice to have a season without a blemish, or perhaps just one or two), you shouldn't be treated like you have.

It's Coming!

"Rap today is like a minstrel show..."

Coming to a store near you on September 13th:
- Little Brother, "Still Lives Through" (snippet)
- Little Brother ft. Elzhi, "Hiding Place" (snippet)

Support motherfucking Little Brother, the best rap group on the planet not named De La Soul.
...
So work is already kicking my ass. Posting anything of length or anything with a comprehensive scope is looking tough right now. Sorry. I should have some college-football content up tonight.

Change Gon' Come

Little did y'all know, but your boy boy (nhjic) is always on the grind, making moves out in the streets like Antonio Montana. I recently got a new job, and it starts today. The new j-o may not afford me the same amount of time on which I had come to rely for the purposes of traveling around the internets. With much regret, I must inform you that I may no longer be among the first people to seize upon new info at The Wolverine or some new music from my friends at Earfuzz and the like. Far from the end of Straight Bangin', though, this might mean that my posting schedule changes. I am gonna see what this week is like and try to adjust accordingly. So please, stick with me; perhaps I've earned a little patience. Besides, so long as founders, members, or friends of my gully internets gang and college-football bloggers keep enhancing the cyberwebs with their humor and insight, I can't imagine anyone will care if new shit pops up at 10 PM as opposed to 3 PM. Right?

Today is August 8th, or 8/8. As a result, I'm throwing some 88 Keys at you. Remember back when Mos Def didn't read his own press clippings all the time and could make good records? Yeah, me too:

- Mos Def, "Love"
- Mos Def, "May-December" (Cop that shit)

Question:

What is with Vince Vaughn's right thumb? Some internets said that he lost a "piece" of it in a car accident as a yout'. Does anyone else find that his right thumb looks like something from Gumby? Jesus, I need to get a life...

Day Late? Yes. Dollar Short? *Shrug*

Yeah, it's no longer Thursday, technically speaking, but still...Who You Wit'? Which Roc-a-fella producer's Tribe Called Quest beat jack do you prefer? The soulful interpolation or the shameless fawning update? Don't forget, voting for the former might get Allen Anthony a few more food stamps.

- Freeway (ft. Allen Anthony), "Alright"
I can't front; I love this track. And it's almost all because of the sentimental value. I don't think this is Free at his best, and I was confused as to why Rell didn't get the call for this collabo (Dame and Jay dropped the ball). But all that said, the synthed out melody and uber-melancholy bass line (it's so lonely as is, and on top of that, it makes you pine for the Tribe) are bangin'.

- Consequence and Kanye, "Electric Relaxation 2003"
Some of you, like Toyochin, ain't never gonna co-sign this joint (I think) because you hate on Quence for always trotting out his Tribe affiliation as a validating element of his career. Others just ain't gonna respect anyone trying to remake a Tribe track because. Well, I might be inclined to follow this second train of thought, but I do like this track. How can't you? It's the same as the original, just with updated vocals.

Bonus Kanye "homage":
- Rell, "Real Love"
Here's Rell! I knew he'd be up in here somewhere. And please pardon the recycled version of the preceding song. If you live in the studio (or stay in your apartment making five beats a day for three summers) you probably can't help but use some of the same material twice. (And here's where Bol posts something about Big Bank Kanye being a no-talent jerk.)

The Ship Be Sunk

No longer content merely to make the same jokes over and over again while retreating further and further into his own delusions of grandeur and self-importance, the Most Overrated and Overhyped Writer in the Sports Empire (MOOWSE), Bill Simmons, outdid himself yesterday and today, ruining one of my favorite movies ever by treating it like some lost classic that only he--who apparently watches movies with a ten-year-old's ability to pick up on stuff--could retrieve from the waste bin of forgettable cinema.

First, Anchorman grossed $85 million last summer, so I wouldn't say that only a few people saw it. Second, no true Will Ferrell fan (which Simmons considers himself to be, and I now have major doubts about that) who consumed any of the promotional materials--trailers, advertisements, internets shorts--stayed at home because of the mediocre reviews. It was obviously destined for the greatness it achieved. Third, I won't judge someone else's sense of humor because everyone has his or her own comedy index, and I respect that, but Simmons missed the boat on a lot of witty shit that enhanced the film tremendously. (For instance, I love when Chris Parnell's Garth Holliday says," Ooh, that's a hot lead" in response to Fred Willard's Ed Harken assigning a story about a 103-year-old women's chili recipe to Christina Applegate's Veronica Corningstone. It was a great line, reinforcing Holliday's feeble attempts to support Harken and keep Corningstone in her place, and delivered with that "we know you know just how ridiculous this all is" sarcastic inflection.)

Some "gems" from Simmons (and, of course, I won't even get into the fact that this movie-quote gimmick he uses just doesn't work with this movie and the NBA content to which he matched it up):

"Even though the movie (about a chauvinistic '70s anchorman in San Diego, played by Will Ferrell) received mixed reviews last year, since Ferrell was involved, I gave it a belated shot...and loved it."

It took him a year to find out how enjoyable this movie is? Maybe next summer Bill will finally get around to watching that one movie in which Ben Stiller plays a model. I heard that the kids like that one, too.

"And by the way, look for Brick quietly putting mayonnaise into the toaster during this scene. Took me four viewings to notice it."

That's three more viewings than it took my emotionally disturbed ten-year-old cousin. Nice.

"Remember the scene when Luke Wilson gets his arm chopped off during the anchorman gang fight?...(As for the big gang fight, I'm torn on this one. Liked/loved Tim Robbins's curly afro, liked Ben Stiller screaming "Policia!", liked Wilson's arm getting cut off ... but the whole thing was a little over the top....)"

Oh yeah, I had forgotten about that absurd, hilarious fight that was probably the most memorable scene in the whole movie. What would we all do without Bill? And you thought it was over the top? You don't say. (Who was he writing these articles for? Wouldn't most Simmons readers recall ALL OF THIS STUFF with greater ease than he does?)

"(And while we're here, how 'bout a round of applause for Christina Applegate, who plays Ferrell's love interest in the movie and is slowly becoming the Rafael Palmeiro of Hollywood -- she's peaking in her mid-30's and has to be considered for the Babe Hall of Fame soon, even though it seemed impossible as recently as two years ago. This may have been her best movie yet....)"

On this one, I might be way off, but I didn't find Applegate all that funny or all that attractive. She's blonde. And? Also, it seemed like she was trying too hard. I can forgive her, as it must be fucking impossible to be in a comedy movie with Ferrell, Carell, Rudd, and Willard, but still, I thought she was pretty weak.

"(Not only was that one of the funniest moments in the movie, it inspired me to put my Hubie Brown wig on for a couple of sentences. Here we go...)"

Oh good. More of that "No one else has ever thought of lampooning Hubie Brown so I'll show how smart I am by doing so now" routine. Awesome. Because, like I said, no one had ever made fun of Hubie before Simmons.

"'Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Di-ah-go, which of course in German means "a whale's vagina."'

To Nikoloz Tskitishvili, who parlayed a 25-point summer league game into an actual contract offer from the Wolves. Seriously, who's worse than him? You might as well offer Dennis Rodman a contract at that point. Unbelievable. None of this would be happening in Minnesota if Kevin McHale were still alive."

What? I don't get it. Is this quotation "apt" because the line and the contract are just so crazy? Couldn't ANYTHING from this movie have fit here? I hate this gimmick with this movie.

"To NBA TV, who keeps insisting on showing WNBA games when they could be showing classic NBA games in their place. Sure, I'm the only TiVo owner in the country who gave "NBA Hardwood Classics" the pole position spot on their TiVo season pass, but still. Throw me a bone here. I need my weekly Bird fix. I need my weekly M.J. fix. Heck, I need my weekly Gus Williams fix. Please tell me their season is ending soon. Please."

Always with the "I'm the only real NBA fan left" routine. How fucking obnoxious and arrogant is this? Does anyone actually like reading this kind of shit? Hey, Bill, go here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and about 21 million other internets to find plenty of people who care just as much as you do and probably think a lot better.

"To the Celtics' front office and coach Doc Rivers, who need to start saying similar things to Paul Pierce every day from this point on ... or else he's going to make Vince Carter's Operation Sabotage in Toronto look like child's play by comparison. Pierce is 28 years old, nearly made the NBA Finals three years ago, is the fourth-highest scorer in the league since 1997, and is one of those guys who watches old playoff games on ESPN Classic and NBA TV and wishes he was playing in them. You really think he wants to go through another rebuilding effort and bridge the gap between the Pierce/Antoine Era and the Green/Jefferson Era? Please.

(Prediction: This is going to end badly. Repeat: Badly. They're doing the right thing with the youth movement, but they need to move Pierce before they're getting 30 cents on the dollar in December. Which is precisely how this will play out. I'm telling you.)"

I gotta give Simmons a little praise. He knows his Celtics, and this was spot on.

"To Allen Iverson...what would be more entertaining than the "First Annual Allen Iverson Celebrity Golf Tournament"? Anything? Anything at all? Imagine AI showing up five hours late for his 9 a.m. tee time? How would he be dressed? How would he react if he missed a 4-foot putt? Or imagine a terrified Kyle Korver in a foursome with 50 Cent, Ron Artest and Ice Cube? What about Jim Nantz saying, "Let's go to Verne Lundquist on 16, where there's apparently been some gunfire again." I might devote the rest of my life to making this tournament happen. After all, if Michael Douglas can have a celebrity golf tournament, why can't Allen Iverson?"

If Simmons never makes another hip-hop reference, the world will be a better place. He is always so out of date and condescending. I mean, he knows that Ice Cube makes movies for families at this point and that 50 Cent is only getting involved in some beef if it's part of a highly orchestrated plot to move product, right? I'd find this far more amusing if his references were, like, current or funny or smart or--allow me to dream, please--all three.

Ok. That's enough for now.

Overrated?

The USA Today Preseason Coaches' Poll has been released and Michigan is #4 behind USC, Texas, and Tennessee. (Unrelated: I had a dream last night that, for some reason, included an episode during which I had wandered into a bar just in time to watch the Tennessee-Florida game. WTF?) I think that Michigan is overrated, but we shall see. The big question about the poll? Should Tyrone Willingham keep his vote after obviously voting for his own sorry-ass, 1-10 team? Somewhere, a television "pundit" could get a good three-minute rant out of this.

Also, Michigan got some more good news today when incoming transfer/freshman/sophomore DE Eugene Germany was cleared to play. In 2004, Germany had privately committed to the Wolverines but later sent in his letter of intent to USC on signing day. In the fall, he got to USC, practiced with the team for just one week, didn't take any classes, and was then, um, "asked" to go to junior college instead. Germany's grades were questionable, and more important, USC had committed too many scholarships to too many players and had to do what all reputable institutions charged with taking care of young men must do when covering their asses: they forced Eugene off the team. Germany spent just one week at a junior college before withdrawing and attempting to work his way back to the place where his heart had always been, Ann Arbor.

Germany was officially counted as a member of Michigan's 2005 recruiting class, and he has been in Ann Arbor since the spring. UM had admitted him, but he was awaiting NCAA clearance regarding his eligibility because the USC/JUCO situation muddled his status. As of today, Germany can play football and will begin doing so as a freshman, just like anyone else. I might be a Michigan homer, but even a Buckeye would have to admit that the NCAA did the right thing in this instance. Germany didn't take classes elsewhere, didn't play football elsewhere, and truly was the victim of circumstance and dishonesty.

This is great news for UM as DE is a position where the team could use some depth. LaMarr Woodley will start on one side of the formation, but after that, who knows? 2004 super recruit Tim Jamison is coming off of knee surgery; Jeremy Van Alstyne is never healthy; Pierre Woods is mental; Rondell Biggs is a career back-up. In a perfect world, Jamison would play on the other side, across from Woodley, and wreak havoc with his speed. But as anyone who loved North Shore will tell you, this world ain't all that. If Germany can get in shape and learn his assignments, he could be a contributor. Now, hopefully, the coaches won't waste a year of his eligibility by platooning him with the six trillion other LB/DE hybrids in that idiotic 3-4 defense that didn't seem to work last season. It just makes NO SENSE to take players like Woodley and Jamison and put them out of their respective comfort zones, asking defensive linemen to play as linebackers.

Who Said That Phony Beef Was Just for Rappers?

Fear not, Bangin' readers: Buckeyes do not pass quietly into the night. Eloquent and appreciated comments-section contributor Joe Fetrow strikes back. As you can tell from the photograph above, Buckeyes are frightening.

And unrelated, check out Sports Illustrated's list of the biggest NFL Draft busts. Come to Penn State, son. You, too, will be able to wash out in the NFL. Thank god there aren't any Wolverines on the list.

Purple

Cookin' up that new shit?

I'm a card-carrying Wu-Tang fan, but even I can't keep up with every fucking thing that comes from someone claiming Wu-Tang affiliation, weed carrier or otherwise. So don't give me a bunch of "Yo, I heard this shit ten minutes ago on some internets elsewhere" bullshit if this isn't new. Instead, just enjoy seventy-four minutes of Raekwon flavor. You'll recognize some of these joints for sure, but there appears to be some new hotness on this "tape" as well. And believe it or not, there's a mafia motif.

Raekwon, The Vatican Mixtape, Vol. 1

Big News

The personification of gully

I recently joined a gully internets gang. That's right: I now walk around with a box cutter; push a little weight in my spare time; swarm on any motherfucker in a blue uniform; protect "our" urls turf; show up at most events with a length of chain tucked into my jacket or pants (nhjic); and beat down the Sharks whenever one of my boys hooks up with a P.R. woman get my ass shot up while eating fast food after capping some wannabe USC Trojan rumble if anyone insults Dorothy Mantooth. Bol is probably in charge, and so long as he doesn't make members do anything stupid like follow him around while he tosses and turns in his bed, dances his way through the hood, or has a fake knife fight in an "abandoned warehouse" with some dude in a white jacket, I got his back.

Membership is already paying dividends. Peep this interview with Charlie Murphy that was sent to me because I'm now gang related:

TV Guide: So is that it for Chappelle's Show?
Murphy: Chappelle's Show is over, man. Done. It took me a long time to be able to say those words, but I can say it pretty easy now, because it's the truth. There's no way to get around it. It's a new day. I'm disappointed it ended the way it did, but I'm not angry with anybody. Chappelle's Show was like the Tupac of TV shows. It came out, it got everybody's attention, it was a bright shining star, but it burned out and for some strange reason, it burned out quick. The two seasons I acted on that show made me a star. Now I can go out and do stand-up. I'm getting movie offers. It's off the hook. Me getting to the next level or whatever's going to happen is going to come from the next things I do, but Chappelle's Show served its purpose and I'll always be grateful.

Thank god Charlie had the nerve to say it, because we were all thinking it: Chappelle's Show, the Tupac of sketch comedy. This might be a good time for Ian to unveil some Site Meter-busting post.

Gotta Love Those Buckeyes

Andy says, "Golf--God's gift to eligibility."

Busy again today, but I thought I'd hit y'all with a little soul music because that is, after all, what inspired so much of the hippity-hop that serves as the soundtrack to my life.

Also, I received this comment today: "Michigan fans are fucking gay." The author of such a smart, compassionate, and insightful comment did not list a website, but he left his name as "Joe" and his name appears to be Joe Fetrow. He was responding to my answers from the third BlogPoll Roundtable. If you read this and this, you'll see that someone with the same name who appears to know how to use at least two internets--this one and The Sporting News's--is from Cincinnati, OH. And he doesn't think very highly of those warm-weather-bred athletes. (Because, you know, it's not like warm-weather teams ever win any football games of note.) I wonder if it's the same Joe Fetrow. Could it be? And I also wonder if he was upset with me, a Michigan fan, because he is either a supporter of or parolee from The Minimum Security Prison and Home for the Mentally Challenged. If it's the latter--and let's be honest, I hope it is--then "Michigan fans are fucking gay" will be that much better. Only a "graduate" from (the) Ohio State (joke of a) University would think of something so witty. And to post it in enemy territory? Well, that demonstrates a courage that he must have learned from Andy Bosworth Katzenmoyer (sorry, I have a hard time keeping track of the biggest busts in history) while sitting next to "The Big Cat" in a class like AIDS Awareness. In college (if calling the joke of a University that doesn't degrade the term). Maybe a Michigan Man stole dude's girlfriend? Regardless, thanks for the feedback, Joe. I always appreciate it when people take the time to acknowledge my work.

And now for that throwback music I promised:
- The Ohio Players, "What's Going On"

- King Curtis, "Instant Groove"

- Ernie Hines, "Our Generation"

Fine

I just couldn't stay away.

Some quick links:
- Ian's grind goes on and on. His hip-hop-analogs list is almost complete, and there are some fantastic picks. And don't forget that he and Travel have launched Genius Reviews, the irreverent and sarcastic Sports Illustrated to Pitchfork's absurd and self-involved Slam. Keep reading the latter if condescension and ridiculousness are your things, though.

- Brian is holding you down during Big Ten Media Day. Or, as it may be known this year, the day that Michigan actually got a defensive-back recruit that it wanted as anything other than a tenth option. And meanwhile, Vijay gives you more to think about, throwing up an amazing post that attempts to measure historical greatness among the ten winningest programs of all time.

- As always, just read everything at EDSBS. Imagine how successful those dudes would be if they were applying all that quick thinking to their jobs. (Jokes, friends, jokes.)

- Stacey is also taking over more interwebs. She's now a writer for the Detroit Metroblog. As is usually "said" around here: peep game.

Don't Tell the Blog Police...

Fuck whatcha heard

...but I don't love The Mouse and the Mask. It's a good record. It's a fun record. It's an amusing record. But it just doesn't possess that enthralling quality common among really good and even great albums. I felt the same way about Madvillainy. I can appreciate the creativity, humor, and execution of the concept, and the rhymes can be great at times, but once the novelty appeal wears off, I'm left feeling a little disappointed. I have the new MF Doom record! Ohmygod, it's all about cartoons; that's so fucking cool! MF can really flow, and I love the images he conjures! The beats are unique what with the spliced cartoon excerpts and cut up cartoon music. Ok, now what? Feel me? Anyone else? I didn't even really like Teh Ghey Album The Grey Album. I just thought that it was some bullshit that white people were rushing to get on. Ooh, the zeitgeist dictates that I fawn over Jay-Z, and what better vehicle for this seemingly obligatory slurping than a record from "the underground" the "challenges" the cultural status quo by chopping up sacred Beatles music and making it hip-hop? No one else with a popped collar is gonna even know what this record is, let alone know to say that it's hot. Yes! In theory, the idea was cool, but too many of those beats were boring. Maybe it's just because, while I don't deny their place in music history, I don't really like the Beatles. (Yeah, fuck it, I "said" it.) I mean, does a track like this really do anything for anyone?

DangerDoom (ft. Cee-Lo), "Benzi Box"

It has a certain cartoon-theme style that I can appreciate within the context of the record, and I give Mouse and Doom credit for exploring the concept of creating a modern-era hip-hop cartoon theme. But the song's pretty monotonous.

What I do really like is when Common kinda clowns himself on this track by rapping, "They say the crocheted pants, the sweater was wack/Seen "The Corner," they say a n*gga's back."

Papoose (ft. Common), "Rebel Muzik"

I'd write more, but I gots no time today. Payce.