What, a Weekend?

The many same faces of Dave Wannstedt. I hope his resume is written in pencil.

For a lot of people, the onset of September means that fall is starting, school is starting, and football is starting. For me this year, it has meant that I have a significantly diminished amount of free time. Two weeks ago was that party; last weekend was a ridiculous (in a bad way) bachelor party; this weekend was a wedding; next weekend is a football game and a wedding; the weekend after that is a trip and a concert; and the following weekend, I'm going to try and make it to Home Depot, but I don't know if I'll have time. Jesus.

As mentioned, I was away at a wedding in Maine this past weekend. My cousin--one of the nicest, coolest, classiest people you'll ever meet--married a really sweet girl. I've always loved my cousin and his immediate family, so it was nice sharing the experience with them.

Sadly, my grandmother had to come, and my parents and I had to transport her in the car. Given what ensues in this post, here's a brief scouting report about my grandma (who I call Belle-bo Baggins because she mostly looks like this, minus the hairy feet and pipe): Complains about her ass a lot; discusses minutiae to an extent that would bore even Jerry Seinfeld; impossible to please; hard of hearing; likes strangers more than anyone she knows except for her niece and her niece's good-pension-having husband. You know that thing that most of us have in our heads that stops us from saying everything that we think? Well, Belle-bo doesn't have it. If you're fat, unkempt, tired, or anything else, you'll hear about it.

In fairness to Belle-bo, she's 90-years-old and has been dealt a pretty tough hand in life, so some of her accomplishments--like raising two successful children despite having no spouse for a looooooong time and no money--are worthy of true wonderment. Many weaker people have failed in identical situations. And, she has her moments of authentic compassion and generosity. Really, I think that she's less malicious and more just nervous, always seeking to please people but usually self-conscious about herself and her abilities. But some of her behavior and comments are so absurd and inappropriate that one loses perspective when dealing with her and mostly just wants the time spent in her company to end swiftly.

Needless to say, this weekend was a struggle at times. Though well worth it (it was really nice to see my cousin and his family), the traveling seemed likely to cut into my college football watching time, however good scheduling, bad Maine weather, and my DVR really came through for me. So now onto the proof that I can't have a girlfriend...

Scrimmages Watched:
Ypsilanti High School Super Varsity vs. Michigan - Michigan did what it was supposed to do, winning 55-0, and now I know what happened last weekend: Lloyd and Co. were saving their best stuff for the Battle of Washtenaw County. (P.S.: Couldn't Gameday have talked about this a little more just so that we could have head Corso say "Warshtenawr"? That would have been the best ever.) You're telling me that Breaston couldn't have run a direct-snap play against NIU? Awesome job, guys. In case you weren't sure, at Michigan, winning the Big Ten is always the top priority. Always. One day, maybe we'll get the tallest midgets in the world on campus, too.

How high school was Eastern Michigan? The quarterbacks were looking at the sidelines while lined up in the shotgun multiple times on every play. And on the sidelines, the coaches wiped their asses after they made poopy. What is that? The Eagles were probably the worst team I've ever seen--slow, uncoordinated, and defeated before the bus rumble into the parking lot.

I suppose that the best player during the scrimmage was Max Martin, the presumptive starter against Wisconsin unless Michael Hart gets healthy. Martin had a pretty good game, showing decent speed when running to the outside, consistently finding cutback lanes, and setting up his blocks well. I actually thought that his vision on a couple of runs was the most notable trait he put on display. I was a little worried early on that he was running too tentatively and too upright; he's a big dude (read: tall) and on a few of the runs in between the tackles, it looked like he was thinking about the motion required to move his legs instead of just running smoothly. But overall, he looked good, albeit against the functional equivalent of a Pop Warner champion. Really, that's the caveat with all of these impressions.

I also think that the Michigan offensive position-group coaches should get some credit. It was Eastern Michigan, sure, but UM has consistently produced WRs, RBs, and QBs who can contribute early on and get better over time (with a few exceptions, of course). Andy Moeller is dealing with some depth issues, but he, Erik Campbell, Scot Loeffler, and Fred Jackson are very good at getting guys ready to play. The game plan often leaves much to be desired, but I'd put more of that blame on the OC and HC.

Some other random notes:
- Holy fucking shit. The band did the Monty Python music at halftime? A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Watch part one here and part two here. Hail to the Victors!

- Steve Breaston looked too slow on that return. But he also looked hurt; his hamstring seems like it's still a problem. With sadness, I must say that Steve is probably the most overrated player in college football. He makes no impact on the game as a receiver and his big return in the first quarter remains his only notable special teams contribution so far. People actually want him instead of Ted Ginn? I have seen the guy play much more effectively (last year's Rose Bowl, the 2003 sucktacular at Oregon), but that was with Braylon Edwards on the field alongside him. Guess how many touchdowns Breaston has caught this year. The same number as I have. He has written more slam poems than me, but I have a better blog. I'd call this one a draw.

- David Harris is why people don't like Scott McClintock, Vijay. McClintock could be black and Harris could be white and I'd take the white dude, because Harris makes plays and gets to the ball sooner.

- The UM offensive line is in trouble. The holes weren't all that big and the team only got 4 yards per carry against a team that USC would have beaten 140-0.

- Chad Henne is still too inaccurate when passing downfield.

- It was nice to see a fullback, Brian Thompson, catch two passes. They don't only have to be lead blockers, right?

- Mario Manningham and Antonio Bass are going to be better at Breastoning than Breaston is. (And they might be already.) Also, Manningham made a great play the one time that UM ran a crossing route. Can we please see more of those?

- I liked the direct snaps to Bass. I didn't like the fact that Bass played. To me, it means that: 1) The coaches think that Bass has so much potential this year that he can't stay off the field; 2) Dutch and Arrington are seriously hurt; 3) the coaches are idiots for wasting his redshirt. I want to think it's #1; it could be #2; I am more inclined to think that after the season, it will be #3. We'll see...

- Tim Jamison and Shawn Crable coming off of the edge are what UM needs more of. Now Crable just needs to remember that he's playing football and not running a race.

Games Watched (or, in the case of Mississippi, fantasized about):
Michigan State vs. Notre Dame - Does this mean that the media will get off its knees and wipe off its chin for at least ten minutes? As Corso said (and I'm grateful for it), I know that Weis invented football, but the hype has been ridiculous. Michigan has no chance of beating Michigan State. If Drew Stanton played for a national power, he'd be a top-five Heisman candidate. I also don't get Brady Quinn; he misses a lot of throws. My inclination is to think that the Notre Dame defense looked better than it really is when it played Michigan. Pittsburgh scored 21 against ND and then lost to Ohio while scoring 10 (!) and Nebraska while scoring 6 (!). Michigan State had no problems scoring this past weekend. Nothing makes a defense look better than a horrible Chad Henne and Lloyd Carr in a big game. As for the MSU defense, I wasn't too impressed, but Weis does, in fact, draw up good stuff, and it's hard to sustain the intensity and momentum when you're up by 21 on the road.

Florida State vs. Boston College - Don't look now but FSU could be putting together a pretty good season despite all of the doubts (some of them held by me). It's won two of the three hardest games on its schedule and still doesn't really play offense. And by that, I mean that Jeff Bowden still works there. FSU has Syracuse and Wake at home; the Noles go to always-good-enough-to-lose-the-supposed-big-games Virginia and then Duke; after that, they host looking-pretty-bad Maryland and first-team-to-five-wins N.C. States; and then finishes at Clemson and at Florida. Those last two games will be tough, and going to the Swamp this season seems unenviable, but Bobby doesn't lose to Tommy and the FSU defense is just nasty. In the past, some pretty good Noles teams have lost when the offense has gotten bogged down and the defensive backs have been exposed. If the FSU defensive line and linebackers keep flying around at this clip, though, the latter may not become a problem. As for the former, Carr looked pretty good this weekend so maybe FSU will have something that counts as a passing game by the time it heads to Gainesville. Given that I'm a Corso guy (), I'll drop one of his inexplicable new go-to phrases: I say nothing...

Pittsburgh vs. Nebraska - Here are the results of the last eleven games that Dave Wannstedt has coached: L, L, L, L, L, L, W, L, L, L, L, L. If Pitt can blow it against Youngstown State this weekend, that will be a nice little palindrome.

I know that it's early in the Wannstedt tenure, and he needs to bring in his own players, drop the dead weight, yadayadayada, but I'd like to propose that Wannstedt might be one of the worst continuously employed head coaches I have ever seen. Honestly, who has been so consistently wack? Dennis Erickson? The dude can at least win in college. Does the Wannstedt disaster tour ever come to a close? I mean, what has this guy accomplished? How does he continue to get jobs? He is redefining "retread" one failed endeavor at a time. Dorin Dickerson, do you still really want to be a Panther?

I'd also like to mention that Bill Callahan isn't exactly the Pete Carroll of middle America. Here is a note to athletic directors; NBA general managers might also want to read this: Previous employment as a head coach in a professional league does not prove that a guy can actually coach. It's correlative; not causal. Or something like that.

Pulled Pork Barbecue vs. USC - If Barry Tompkins is to be believed (and honestly, he is the college football equivalent of Kenny Albert, so his credibility is not a given), USC scored on four of its first eight plays. I can't remember a quarterback throwing a deep ball with better touch than Leinart's; Dwayne Jarrett is not legal; and Reggie Bush is a god in the backfield. USC absolutely dismantled an SEC team. Maybe the Hogs are just awful, but, USC : Arkansas ~:: Iowa : Ball State.

Tennessee vs. Florida - There isn't a pint of ice cream left in Knoxville.

The SEC, where reputed offensive geniuses go to...become defensive masterminds? First Richt, now Meyer? I think that the Meyer spread-option thing will take better shape once he's recruited the kids he wants to be in his system (Tim Tebow, come on down!), but so far, I'd say his tenure in Gainesville has been characterized by the revivification of the defense. That group looked great, and it never hurts when an opposing coach decides that running the ball is for suckers. It also doesn't hurt to have an accurate passer like Chris Leak when the pressure is on. Florida has shown me something, and I can't tell you how excited I am about its trip to Baton Rouge.

Oregon State vs. Loulvulle - The Cardinals were rapidly losing their Q rating with me coming into this game. And the first quarter didn't help much. But then Brian Brohm showed that he's probably the best sophomore QB in the country (not a typo) and Louisville played opportunistic defense fueled by good pressure.

Virginia vs. Syracuse - Ian had plenty to say about this. All I want to add is that I don't know if I'm impressed by Al Groh going for it on fourth down and winning on the road or if I am disgusted that Virginia struggled to beat a team that plays offense as though it were waiting for Thomas Jefferson to step off the UVA bus.

And, um, Al Groh references Risky Business? What?! I can't wait until we hear Lloyd, mic'ed up for sound on the sideline and meeting with the defensive line, say, "Sweep the leg." More college football coaches need to be quoting movies. We could get a geriatric like Joe Pa, trying to seem hip but remaining true to his diet, lamenting at the opening of an early-season game, "It's hot; milk was a bad choice." Or maybe a coach like Mack Brown could explain away another loss to Oklahoma at the state fair with a simple, "We should never have some here." How about Ed Orgeron yelling, "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast"? Oh, and speaking of Ed...

Mississippi vs. Vanderbilt - "...And out of the smoke came forth locusts upon the earth; and power was given them, as the scorpions of the earth have power. And it was said unto them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree, but only such men as have not the seal of God on their foreheads. And it was given them that they should not kill them, but that they should be tormented five months: and their torment was as the torment of a scorpion, when it striketh a man. And in those days men shall seek death, and shall in no wise find it; and they shall desire to die, and death fleeth from them. And the shapes of the locusts were like unto horses prepared for war; and upon their heads as it were crowns like unto gold, and their faces were as men's faces. And they had hair as the hair of women, and their teeth were as teeth of lions. And they had breastplates, as it were breastplates of iron; and the sound of their wings was as the sound of chariots, of many horses rushing to war. And they have tails like unto scorpions, and stings; and in their tails is their power to hurt men five months. They have over them as king the angel of the abyss: his name in Hebrew is Abaddon, and in the Greek tongue he hath the name Apollyon. The first Woe is past: behold, there come yet two Woes hereafter. And the sixth angel sounded, and I heard a voice from the horns of the golden altar which is before God, one saying to the sixth angel that had one trumpet, Loose the four angels that are bound at the great river Euphrates. And the four angels were loosed, that had been prepared for the hour and day and month and year, that they should kill the third part of men. And the number of the armies of the horsemen was twice ten thousand times ten thousand: I heard the number of them. And thus I saw the horses in the vision, and them that sat on them, having breastplates as of fire and of hyacinth and of brimstone: and the heads of lions; and out of their mouths proceedeth fire and smoke and brimstone. By these three plagues was the third part of men killed, by the fire and the smoke and the brimstone, which proceeded out of their mouths. For the power of the horses is in their mouth, and in their tails: for their tails are like unto serpents, and have heads; and with them they hurt. And the rest of mankind, who were not killed with these plagues, repented not of the works of their hands, that they should not worship demons, and the idols of gold, and of silver, and of brass, and of stone, and of wood; which can neither see, nor hear, nor walk: and they repented not of their murders, nor of their sorceries, nor of their fornication, nor of their thefts."

Ed Orgeron lost again. Watch the fuck out.