Blog Bickering, #3

A wolverine

Were there doubt about their respective extents, the collective wit and intelligence of the college-football blogerati is on full display today, and the answers to this latest incarnation of roundtable questions are so good and so exhaustive that you’ll feel compelled to smash the glass and take something. I had intended to hold off on a summation post until next week, but I am overwhelmed (to say nothing of humbled) by the enthusiastic and authoritative answers, and I think it’s only right that I dap up my insightful and humorous “colleagues.” The comments and trackbacks sections from this post are chockablock with excellent blogging, but if you’re too lazy to wade through the morass of responses, check out these sites at your leisure:

Every Day Should Be Saturday remembers the best black "white" receiver; MGoBlog gets all pretentious indie rock on us; Pitt Sports Blather smartly notes that replacing a center is never easy; Blue-Gray Sky challenges the conventional notions of Irish, Catholic hip-hop fans with an impressive analog analysis; Section Six tabs NC State the LL Cool J of college football and shits on (t)OS(joa)U, opting instead to watch UM-Iowa; iBlog for Cookies hits you with a fantastic Jurassic 5/DJ Format hip-hop segment; Have You Met Tony puts down a strong BGSU game in a way that would make Jason Jackson proud; The Bowling Green love stays strong in the djl zone, replete with a Sage Francis shout; Catholic Packer Fan notes the rise of the TE; The Mississippi State Sports Blog says that the MSU kicker will be the Most Valuable No-Name; ATL Eagle beats the Irish to the punch and says that BC is House of Pain; You know your team is loaded when the player you'll miss most is a career backup (According to Your Boi from Troy); Paradigmatic Brent goes with the (right) stock answer, Dudley; Rob in Madtown allows you to witness the strength of street knowledge; MDG says that Pat Hill and Fresno are the SugarHill Gang; We Are the Boys concurs with EDSBS; The Realist weighs in with a smart analysis of the Dawgs--the talent's there, but what's gonna be done with it?; idoc hates the rap question and my layout but dispenses PSU knowledge nonetheless; and the Bruins Nation also notes that when you remove your center, bad things can happen to your line. I know that's a lot of links (holy shit), but trust me--every single one if worth your time.

Update: Bemusement Park has at it, opting to take Holloway of "that play" instead of a DL as the player hardest to replace. Meanwhile, WV Law Dog wisely chooses to look past a five-star recruit to find his impact player, in this case, home-grown Marc Magro.

I thought I could drop my own answers today, also:
Which unheralded player on your team will be the hardest to replace? Which seemingly inconsequential player could make the biggest impact?

As Brian and Vijay both forecasted, former fullback Kevin Dudley is the obvious and nearly unanimous choice. He’s my top pick, too, but because I’d like to both be different for whatever intrinsic value that distinction may carry and contribute new thinking to this online dialogue, I’ll say Adam Finley. Finley acquitted himself nicely as the Michigan punter last season, a year during which Michigan’s renewed commitment to special teams (after years spent allowing the kicking game to languish and serve as the go-to reason for gut-wrenching losses) was evident in fewer mistakes and fewer (maybe zero?) asinine formations. His replacement will likely be a true freshman--Zoltan Mesko (yes, that’s a real name)--and I don’t care if he’s the quarterback, the running back, or the nickel back: that’s cause for trepidation (though not in the cases of Chad Henne and Michael Hart). I won’t be surprised if early on, Michigan sees a punt or two blocked because its freshman punter is still learning the accelerated rhythm of the college kicking game, and during those moments--if anything I say is not a profane tirade directed at the best pedestrian coach in America--I’ll be pining for Adam Finley.

As for a seemingly inconsequential player making a major contribution, I could launch into some diatribe about scholarship limits and effort and every player on the team counting. Or I could be realistic and go with a greedy answer that befits my greedy two-questions-in-one style: back-up defensive tackles Alan Branch and Will Johnson/Terrence Taylor/Marques Walton (whoever wins this spot). As I have written before, the key to the Michigan season is an improved defensive line, and no player will be a bigger part of that improvement than potential All-American tackle Gabe Watson. Gabe is big fat, though, and he got worn down toward the end of last season, a deterioration that mirrored (and probably partially caused) the break down of the Michigan defense. If Gabe and the defensive line are to be the forces that UM needs them to be, Branch and a player to be named later must give the Wolverines a significant number of meaningful snaps each game.

Which regular-season game that won’t feature your team would you pay the most money to see this season? Why?

I’d pay the most money to see the game that I think possesses the most potential to alter the national scene: Florida-LSU. I’d love to see a game in Death Valley, replete with liquored-up bayou folk, over-the-line SEC tailgaters (if that’s not redundant), desperate UF fans converting to Catholicism just to help Urban Meyer’s chances, and Bob Stoops acolytes attempting to poison former Bedlam-rival Les Miles. Oh, and the football, itself, would be pretty good, too. The rivalry game I’d most like to attend would be (stock answer coming…now) Texas-Oklahoma. Corndogs at a state fair are not to be missed. Neither is a chance to wear my Sooner-red keepmackbrown.com shirt, something I bought not for partisan loyalty but to honor the ingenuity of its inventors. Watching Lloyd Brown get manhandled by Stoops again would also make me feel better about Mack Carr’s impending 1-4 record against Suge Knight (see below for explanation).

If your team were a rapper, who would it be and why?

Before I get to my answers, I’d like to take a moment to illustrate the eerie similarities between (the) Ohio State (joke of a) University warden Jim Tressel and Death Row impresario Marion “Suge” Knight. Both wear vests (see here and here). Both lord over organizations that were once preeminent but could not sustain the success and now can summon only occasional moments of greatness (hiring a mortician like John Cooper and feuding with Dr. Dre will do that to you). Both employ (get it?) rosters filled with people who can’t stay out of prison. Kind of scary how closely the Minimum Security Prison and Home for the Mentally Challenged mimics Tha Row, huh?

As for Michigan, the rapper whose career and abilities best resemble our program is god MC Rakim Allah. Aside from those who invented hip-hop (people like Kool Herc), Rakim may be the most influential figure in the history of the art. He’s an O.G. for sure. Similarly, Michigan didn’t actually invent football, but it might as well have done so; any school that teaches Notre Dame how to play and creates Script Ohio (one of the stupidest “sacred” things in the sport) is fucking influential. Rakim achieved great success with Eric B. in a bygone era; Michigan won ten national titles through 1948. Rakim, no less great but not as productive, dicked around for a while, occasionally producing a great track like “Guess Who’s Back”; Michigan has dicked around for a while (including the Schembechler revivification), still great but rarely producing the soaring results of its past; Rakim practically taunted his fans when he signed with Aftermath and recorded half of two different albums but failed to release either and never met his potential; Michigan’s inability to get over the hump but one time in the last fifty years is an ignominious distinction made even worse by the near misses and excruciating losses. How does Rakim fail to release a record with Dr. Dre on the boards? How does a team with Brady, Terrell, and Thomas play QB shuffle, losing a winnable game at MSU and blowing a seventeen-point fourth-quarter lead at home against Illinois? Why is Rakim making records with someone named “Truth Hurts”? Why is Michigan losing to Northwestern?

Finally, I think that this Rakim quotation is an apt embodiment of the Michigan ethos. The Leaders and Best, a college-football institution; and, like Rakim, a program always great:

"...I've been from state to state, followers tailgate
Keep comin’ but you came too late, but I'll wait
So back up, regroup, get a grip, come equipped
You're the next contestant - clap ya hands, you won a trip!
The price is right - don't make a deal too soon
How many notes could you name this tune?
Follow the Leader is the title, theme, task
Now ya know, you don't have to ask
Rap is Rhythm And Poetry, cuts create sound effects
You might catch up if you follow the records E. wrecks
Until then keep eatin’ and swallowin'
You better take a deep breath and keep followin'
The leader."